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Just because I rebut a post does not mean that there is no point to the original.
If your looking for a pat on back..I congratulate you...when this guy knocks on your door and theres an altercation...don't call for help from the police...you'll be able to handle it all on your own after all... you believe the police are all corrupt ..
True, but even though it is dangerous to put myself into a position where my health and safety are at risk... if not me, then who? To follow a couple of famous quotes... "All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing." "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you."
You know as well as any that our legal system is broken, and chances of being able to find a Turkish interpreter at that hour are slim at best. While I may not agree with people entering the country illegally, I surely won't judge someone on it when there is a present danger to their safety. I also have a strong distrust of authority and police, rampant corruption and illegal tactics rule the ranks of many departments. In fact, a local police department just underwent an investigation over the past year directly resulting in the incarceration of 3 highly ranked officers (chief, deputy-chief and seargent I believe) as well as the termination of 8 other officers for corruption related events.
I believe that she may have gotten her phone numbers accidentally mixed up... the piece of paper she had was torn and barely legible.
While I am not personally familiar with it, I know enough about it to recognize that many women return to their abusers. However, with the knowledge that her Uncle was going to be contacting the police to help get her belongings that it would be sufficient.
It's one thing to be noble and heroic, it's another to foolishly place yourself in harms way on a repeat basis. Especially when you do not have the ability to provide a permanant solution for this girl. She'll keep going back to her abusive husband and he'll sooner kill you than he would her. From my own observations these things typically don't end well for the hero with good intentions.
I can understand being skeptical of police in some cases but they are most qualified to deal with domestic violence issues. Often, well intentioned citizens such as yourself get in over their head or make things worse while trying to help. But it's your hide, and I wonder if you'll be hesitant to call those "corropt" cops if the husband shows up at your door with a butcher knife.
The only one more messed up in their mind than a damsel in distress is a knight in shining armor. Why would someone not simply call the police in a situation like this? For one if she's here illegally and fearing for her life, the only logical thing would be to get back home to her family, who in their right mind would want to stay near and dependent on their abuser in some unfamiliar country?
The OP or anyone doing this kind of thing is lucky to be alive. Even the police armed with guns fear the domestic violence situations - and often it's the victim that ends up attacking them when they try to save her from the abuser.
Leave this stuff to the armed and trained experts.
The only one more messed up in their mind than a damsel in distress is a knight in shining armor. Why would someone not simply call the police in a situation like this? For one if she's here illegally and fearing for her life, the only logical thing would be to get back home to her family, who in their right mind would want to stay near and dependent on their abuser in some unfamiliar country?
The OP or anyone doing this kind of thing is lucky to be alive. Even the police armed with guns fear the domestic violence situations - and often it's the victim that ends up attacking them when they try to save her from the abuser.
Leave this stuff to the armed and trained experts.
I quoted the above post because it's so dead on correct it needs to be repeated. Especially the last sentence.
Women that pick violent men.... Is it some sort of mental disorder??
I think you did the best you could under the circumstances. She may be in an "arranged" marriage, so didn't necessarily "choose" an abuser. The fact her uncle drove 7 hrs to help her, indicated the family must have some inkling of the problem and willing to step in to help her.
If her husband was abusing her, chances are he won't be willing to tangle with another male, as abusers are weak and cowardly and tend to abuse those who can't protect themselves. This includes isolating them from friends & family or any support system.
It would probably be a good idea to contact the officer and explain that the vic was afraid to come forward and has since left with relatives. If she needs to get a restraining order, if will help if there is a paper trail on the domestic violence.
I would like to say Thank you, for helping someone in need. You did the right thing.
I'd have spoken to the police when they called. I'd have said yes, she was at my place, that she did not want to go home or speak to her husband, and that her uncle was on the way to get her. She was there of her own volition and would not have had to go with the cops if she didn't want to, nor would she be compelled to give a statement or have him arrested. I think it was a mistake to lie to the cops, and I would probably have welcomed a cop's showing up to tell the guy to back off so she could leave.
Lying and hiding from the cops perpetuated her fear that they are to be feared, and if her husband decides to show up and get hostile with you, you have to explain to the cops why you lied the first time.
Had a rather strange situation happen to me last night, and I'm curious to hear what you all might have done in a similar situation. Long post, please bear with me.
Late last night (about midnight), I was just getting ready to head off to sleep in my apartment when I heard a soft knock on my door. I open the door and it turns out to be a young woman (I'm guessing mid to late 20s) that lives across the hall from me in my complex, tears streaming down her face asking if she could come in and use my phone. I obliged, as she was obviously scared, she indicated that she knew almost no English. She had me lock both the handle and chain on the door.
She had recently moved to the USA with her husband (both from Turkey). Unfortunately, my phone plan doesn't allow international calls and she wasn't able to reach her first intended party (who was in Turkey). So she called a couple of other numbers in the US, and one that was local. At this point she is still quite upset, and gesturing was only getting us so far for communication, so I fire up Google Translator on my computer and get to discussion.
It turns out that her husband was abusing her, trying to kill her, or something to that effect (she didn't have any obvious marks that I could see). I immediately asked her if she would like me to call the police so that they could help, but she appeared just as afraid of them as she was of her husband and asked me not to call them. After a few minutes and calming down slightly, she called up another phone number, her uncle in Connecticut. After she spoke with him for a bit (I'm guessing, relaying her story) handed the phone to me, and her uncle in rather broken English told me he would get here to help, saying the drive would be a couple of hours (in reality about 7 hours).
As much as I wanted to call the police, I decided against it. Perhaps she was an illegal immigrant, or perhaps she had been taught to fear the police (I discussed the event with my mom, apparently abusive husbands of immigrants teach them to be afraid). But either way, she had put her trust in me during a situation where she was afraid for her life in a country where she could not communicate in the major language, and I wasn't about to break that trust. Now if she hadn't been able to get a hold of her uncle, I would have called the police since she would have no safe place to go.
Apparently, the local number that she called was that of her husband, and he proceeded to call my phone back numerous times, with her asking me not to answer so we ignored it. I don't believe he knew where I lived yet, just that she had called from my phone. At this point, he must have called the police at around 3 or 4am, which only scared her more... to the point where she went and tried to hide under my bed but it was too low, so she went and hid in my closet. The police car sat outside for a couple of hours, they knocked, rang my bell, and called my phone but we didn't answer. She had turned all the lights off so they wouldn't see any movement inside. Eventually the cop left.
Fast forward a few hours, and a couple of calls with her uncle later and he's nearly arrived to where I live. In the meantime we were talking over the Google Translator... discovered that her hometown in Turkey has a big business in hazelnuts. By this time she had calmed down a bit more. I had called into my workplace to let them know I was going to be a couple of hours late (it's an automated service) but it seemed to be malfunctioning. I then receive a call that looks like it's from a familiar number (I'm thinking it's probably the administrative assistant that manages the Sick Phone at work), but it turns out it was the police again. This time they asked if I had seen her, missing person, etc... and stubbornly said that I had let her use my phone earlier that night to make a call (they had gotten my phone number from her husband's caller id). I also alluded that I had not seen her since then, since she was still so afraid of them, and I took the officer's phone number.
Her uncle arrives out in the parking lot, and she has me peek into the hall to make sure her husband isn't waiting, the go out to her waiting uncle and indicate back to her when the coast is clear. Seems her husband was either sleeping, or had left for work, so she was able to make it to her uncle's car alright. She, her uncle and aunt were very grateful that I had been able to help her. Her uncle said that he wanted to go get her things, but he was so angry (with her husband) that he would come back later with a police officer for safety's sake. So I provided him with the officer's phone number that called me, and my number so they could use me as a witness. They leave without incident, and I then leave for work.
So... what would you have done?
I wouldn't have answered my door at midnight. Now, having said that and you DID answer your door, I would have contacted police immediately and let them handle it. I am not one to turn my back when someone needs help but with the lack of english, the domestic issue, it's just a little too much for the average person to deal with. Better leave that kind of stuff for the officials.
Do I think you may have let yourself in for future problems with this guy? Yes.
Would I have done the same things you did, knowing that? Also yes.
People are presuming this woman is here illegally. Maybe she is, but I doubt it. We're not talking about sneaking over the border from Mexico... this woman is apparently from Turkey... unless her husband has some "interesting" connections, they didn't magically slip inside the border without anyone noticing. And the chances of him having those "interesting" connections... and then calling the police for their assistance in tracking down his wife are slim to none. Heck, the chances of him calling the police and asking for help tracking down his "illegal immigrant" wife are pretty much nil. So I think we can safely assume she is here legally.
That said - it's a false premise to assign the same mentality of a typical American domestic violence victim to a Turkish woman. While she herself (and her husband) may not be Muslim, the culture in their home country has still been heavily influenced by some of the more conservative and extremist views in terms of how women are treated and their "rights" within a marriage. I'm not at all surprised she is terrified of the police... it's likely that in Turkey, her claims of abuse would fall on deaf ears and that, in fact, she would have been dragged back kicking and screaming to her abuser. That's what she expects from the police, and a few months or even years here in America isn't going to cure her of those fears.
The fact that she felt safe in calling her Uncle tells me that she expects and believes he will protect her from her husband... whether that's because he has become "Americanized" in his ideals, or because her family is less conservative than the one she married into, I have no idea. It's possible she comes from a Christian or non-religious family (Turkey actually does, on the whole, have some surprising laws regarding freedom from religion, which is different than our freedoms of religion) and married into a more conservative/traditional middle eastern (not necessarily Muslim) one.
Either way, with her family's support, she's actually pretty unlikely to return to the husband... in this, the "male leads the family" mentality is actually helpful... she was likely raised to view her father/uncles as having the highest authority, and if they tell her not to return to the husband, she won't. (Similarly, if they told her to return to him, she would... but that doesn't sound likely in this instance.)
Is it possible the husband could figure out where you live and try to cause problems for you? Yes, but you already know that. Do I think it is likely? No. In your shoes, I would, however, have a conversation with the officer whose information you already possess. I would let him know that you felt you were protecting a victim of domestic violence, and that she herself asked that the police not be involved. I would let him know that she has gone to be with family and let him know you gave the Uncle his contact information. And then I would ask him if he feels it likely that the husband will attempt any sort of retaliation against you... he's talked with the husband, so he probably has formed some impressions of the guy.
I think you did the right thing, even if it wasn't necessarily the smart thing - those aren't always the same thing.
agreed ..I had serious doubts that shes here illegally, I can't speak for other posters but addressing the issue that he would be willing to hide someone here illegally and used police fraud, previously exposed and dismissed for and assumed anyone who replaces them will do the same.
Shes speaks minimal english and wouldn't have known who he was talking to or what was said and lied to the police for the above reasons , I don't agree that she wont return to her husband.
The OP was gracious to take her in and help, but acted from his own fears....not reason.
True, but even though it is dangerous to put myself into a position where my health and safety are at risk... if not me, then who? To follow a couple of famous quotes... "All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing." "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you."
The thing is, he has no idea what the situation is and now could be in trouble for interfering with a police investigation.
Also, is he a paid law enforcement agent or someone else whose protection is compensated for? If not, well someone else can be a white knight.
Remember, this society no longer protects the protectors. Depending on the state, you can be sent to jail for defending your own home against criminals. Many states also refuse your second Amendment right to own a firearm for protection.
Until society rights itself, you have no duty to be a white knight. Do so at your own risk. Remember, there are many men who are dead because they acted as the white knight and the person they helped doesn't even think about them now.
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