Less than 2 weeks before wedding and having thoughts of break up (marrying, man)
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Well, that makes ME sad. It seems to me most (not necessarily you) are so used to the virtual life they don't even think there are people behind these monitors, people whose lives you may be responsible for ruining! There may be dozens of reasons for his hesitance and they may have everything to do with his own issues and nothing to do with her. Now, if we're talking about getting married at all or not, I'd agree with you, and I wouldn't want to marry a man who's not sure myself. If we're talking about this particular woman, though, I wouldn't. They've been together for 4.5 years and have lived together. What in the world changed 2 weeks before the wedding?!
It would be my guess that nothing has actually "changed in the last 2 weeks" to cause this for our OP. I'm betting he's one of those people who refuses to face reality and facts until he has literally no time left and the thing he's been putting off deciding on is right in his face.
Yes, his timing sucks. Yes, you would think after 4.5 years he'd be more sure of the relationship and not have let things get this far before he said something.
But if he truly just now "realized how difficult my life will be with her if we get married" he can't in good conscience go thru with the wedding. Better late than never, so to speak.
Wow... this is another thing I'm afraid of too (hopefully I don't become the OP's soon to be ex fiancee). You have to tell her know this ASAP and just pray she doesn't end up screaming at you or throws a drink in your face.
Don't wait.. do it now. My bet is she'll kick you right to the curb like Djuna stated and probably hate you but hey what can I say... it would be deserved. I can't imagine how would her friends and family feel about you afterward. You better hope the girl's father doesn't go crazy and goes out to get you. That's how mine would react if a man hurt me like that.
Wow... this is another thing I'm afraid of too (hopefully I don't become the OP's soon to be ex fiancee). You have to tell her know this ASAP and just pray she doesn't end up screaming at you or throws a drink in your face.
Don't wait.. do it now. My bet is she'll kick you right to the curb like Djuna stated and probably hate you but hey what can I say... it would be deserved. I can't imagine how would her friends and family feel about you afterward. You better hope the girl's father doesn't go crazy and goes out to get you. That's how mine would react if a man hurt me like that.
No offense Sunflower, but this is SOOO overly melodramatic
So I guess you'd expect him to go forward with the wedding, EVEN THOUGH he now realizes this is not the right thing to do and will likely mean he'll hurt her worse in the future, just so people won't be "mad" at him????
together for 4.5 years, and live together.
it's 2 weeks before the wedding. we have guests coming from out of country, and the west coast.
i'm thinking of calling it off and breaking up all together. i feel like it's not the right match personality wise, and although we've been together for this long, i just now have realized how difficult my life will be with her if we get married.
i'm at work right now, and can think of nothing but this. i don't know what to do. my head is about to explode.
If you cancel right now, nobody will think badly of you. Except of course, your fiancee and her family. But, even then, the wisdom of it will be apparent in a couple of years. Anything's better than an expensive wedding followed by a quick unhappy marriage and a divorce.
If you call it off now you will devastate her!!!!!!!!!
As someone who was dumped with less than three weeks before my wedding you better think good and hard about all the lives you could destroy with this decision. Friends, family, your fiance.
No one's life will be devastated, except for the fiance. And she'll get over that in time. The most friends/family will lose is air fare. You're suggesting he ruin his life instead.
Marriage is way too serious of a subject to dismiss OP's gut feeling that this is not right for him.
Alot of people want to get married for the wrong reasons : ( hence the high divorce rate ) Those reasons are "
Pregnant .
Get out of the house away from abusive mom or dad.
Want to play house because 5 of your friends did it.
Teen marriage .
Rebound - dumped by someone else , I'll show you .
Wanting a baby.
Because you are mad passionate in love and limerance having sex 8 times a day .
You don't want to be alone.
Your mom wants to know and your friends too why you have not snagged anybody.
You want someone to support you in the wallet .
People forget what * marriage * stands for . Mingling the money , the assets , the bills , and the lives.
You notice the wedding costs thousands of dollars , big cake , flowers , pictures , wedding gown , wedding hall, honeymoon.
You wonder how many of those weddings could have been done more intimately and economically .
And if I flew from another country to see a wedding and the bride cancelled I would always have plan B. I would make sure of the city, research it ,. I visited and make plans accordingly.
To feel bad and not cancel the wedding because someone flew in is crazy to me.
I like the idea of postponing and send out messages . Why do people have to feel humiliated by this ?
And then you have some that beg you ( because their wedding was cancelled ) to go ahead with this . Disaster !
Location: Everybody is going to hurt you, you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for-B Marley
9,516 posts, read 20,021,735 times
Reputation: 9418
Quote:
Originally Posted by WannaliveinGreenville
Marriage is way too serious of a subject to dismiss OP's gut feeling that this is not right for him.
Alot of people want to get married for the wrong reasons : ( hence the high divorce rate ) Those reasons are "
Pregnant .
Get out of the house away from abusive mom or dad.
Want to play house because 5 of your friends did it.
Teen marriage .
Rebound - dumped by someone else , I'll show you .
Wanting a baby.
Because you are mad passionate in love and limerance having sex 8 times a day .
You don't want to be alone.
Your mom wants to know and your friends too why you have not snagged anybody.
You want someone to support you in the wallet .
People forget what * marriage * stands for . Mingling the money , the assets , the bills , and the lives.
You notice the wedding costs thousands of dollars , big cake , flowers , pictures , wedding gown , wedding hall, honeymoon.
You wonder how many of those weddings could have been done more intimately and economically .
And if I flew from another country to see a wedding and the bride cancelled I would always have plan B. I would make sure of the city, research it ,. I visited and make plans accordingly.
To feel bad and not cancel the wedding because someone flew in is crazy to me.
I like the idea of postponing and send out messages . Why do people have to feel humiliated by this ?
And then you have some that beg you ( because their wedding was cancelled ) to go ahead with this . Disaster !
Agreed. But I rebounded, not as an I'll show you--because, 1, I'm not vendictive and 2, he was thousands of miles away and wouldn't see anyway. I rebounded to try to forget, to move on. It doesn't work, no matter how long the rebound lasts, at least for me it didn't. But I guess that's another topic.
He was trying to forget her ( through me ) and he worshipped her so he brought up her name if we had a disagreement and spewed how wonderful she was.
He would call her in front of me. Invite her to all the things holiday . I put my foot down. His fear of losing her and my distaste for what he was doing ended our relationship.
Location: Everybody is going to hurt you, you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for-B Marley
9,516 posts, read 20,021,735 times
Reputation: 9418
Quote:
Originally Posted by WannaliveinGreenville
I was a rebound victim. It hurt like He**.
He was trying to forget her ( through me ) and he worshipped her so he brought up her name if we had a disagreement and spewed how wonderful she was.
He would call her in front of me. Invite her to all the things holiday . I put my foot down. His fear of losing her and my distaste for what he was doing ended our relationship.
3 way relationships don't work for me , lol !
Well I didn't bring 'him' up to my rebound--which lasted an agonizing 19 years, btw. No. I suffered in silence. LOL
Just for the record, I don't feel time put into a relationship--4.5 years in this case--is a valid reason to remain in it if you have doubts.
I think you need to take a couple of days and spend time alone thinking about this. (For me, it would be a countryside bicycle trip... whatever it is you can do that allows you to clear your head.) Spend the time to think about what you feel is lacking in your relationship with this woman, what it is about her personality (and yours) that you think doesn't work. Think about the positives too and try to objectively determine whether those positives are unique to her, or if they are things you can find with someone else. After that, if you still feel this way, talk to her about it.
Tell her the truth, that you are concerned that you are not right for each other and as a result would not have a happy marriage. Listen to what she has to say. She may allay your fears, or freak out, or perhaps she feels the same as you. If after this you feel it's over, you know you were honest and honorable. Don't be rash, think this through, yes the date is fast approaching but it's worth it to remain calm, and slow down for a moment to really give yourself (and her) a chance to give this life-changing decision the attention it deserves.
I think this is the best advice. Whatever you decide to do, you should at least talk to your fiance about your feelings.
(I would also be wary of those who are giving you advice and have found themselves trapped in marriages that they despise - and still refuse to leave.)
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lol !