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When I got married I was so in love that I forgot about my friends, didn't worry about keeping my job, my financial future/retirement, I gave up my hobbies for his (even though he didn't ask me to) and I basically became one with him.
I know I'm not the only woman who has done this. I would love to talk with other women who are in the same situation. They have given everything up, to be available to her man, even though he hasn't asked or demanded her to do so. I'm not talking about abuse, I'm talking about your choice to give things up to be with this man.
Why do we do it? Are we depressed? Do we have such low self esteem that we have to cling to someone else's life?
My husband likes that I've given up my life to be with him, but at other times it's obvious that he also resents it. I'd like some feedback on this issue.
Here you go. If you think this about yourself, then it's probably true.
No man or woman should depend on their spouse for everything. Not only is foolish, but it's also ultimately a crushing burden to the SO.
People die. Divorces happen. The fire of marriage wanes. Even in the happiest of marriages, it's important to have your own friends, your own hobbies and pursuits, and your own ability to earn money. To do otherwise is to devalue yourself as a person--the person your SO fell in love with and married in the first place.
Time to realize your husband isn't your sole means of gratification in life. Time to re-establish ties with old friends and make some new ones as well. Get out of the house. Find something that interests you. My wife has friends, hobbies, and girls' trips. I have my friends, hobbies, and sometimes travel with them or in pursuit of them. Those things help us grow as people, thereby making us more interesting to one another. Not less.
Khalil Gibran, a hack poet if ever there was one, did actually write one thing of value. He said "Be apart in your togetherness." Those are words that I have to agree with.
When I got married I was so in love that I forgot about my friends, didn't worry about keeping my job, my financial future/retirement, I gave up my hobbies for his (even though he didn't ask me to) and I basically became one with him.
I know I'm not the only woman who has done this. I would love to talk with other women who are in the same situation. They have given everything up, to be available to her man, even though he hasn't asked or demanded her to do so. I'm not talking about abuse, I'm talking about your choice to give things up to be with this man.
Why do we do it? Are we depressed? Do we have such low self esteem that we have to cling to someone else's life?
My husband likes that I've given up my life to be with him, but at other times it's obvious that he also resents it. I'd like some feedback on this issue.
I don't know i never did that....i think often women become too into their mates to the point like you said everything else suffers. I love my husband....but not enough to give up things i enjoy or friends to just spend every waking moment with him either. I think often women who do that have attachment issues though that need to be sorted out. Wanting to be with your mate more then normal is fine in the begining....but when you keep on doing it there is something wrong.
We are INDIVIDUALS for a reason. To have our own thoughts, to explore our own interests to live the way we choose. So on one hand sure I am sure there are women who gave up their identity to be with their man. Is it okay to do that? I'm sure there is no law against it but WHY would you willingly give up your identity and personality when those are the very things your husband found attractive in you to begin with. You think he's resentful sometimes? Of course he is. You are not the woman he met and fell in love with.
God forbid but.. what happens if he dies? Would you even know what to do?
Last edited by andreaspercheron; 09-17-2010 at 11:28 AM..
Reason: Computer error...
When I got married I was so in love that I forgot about my friends, didn't worry about keeping my job, my financial future/retirement, I gave up my hobbies for his (even though he didn't ask me to) and I basically became one with him.
I know I'm not the only woman who has done this. I would love to talk with other women who are in the same situation. They have given everything up, to be available to her man, even though he hasn't asked or demanded her to do so. I'm not talking about abuse, I'm talking about your choice to give things up to be with this man.
Why do we do it? Are we depressed? Do we have such low self esteem that we have to cling to someone else's life?
My husband likes that I've given up my life to be with him, but at other times it's obvious that he also resents it. I'd like some feedback on this issue.
I know exactly what u mean. I have done exactly the same thing and asked the same questions. Only in my situation it did not work out well at all; yet, I have that tendency. I am not sure if it is a character flaw in me or just wiring. I do know I was reared to serve the men I love and respect male authority. This is fine as your are growing up to obey your father and do everything u can to help his life, since he is the one going out and making sure u and everyone in the house is taken care of. The problem is u develop a habit of this with boyfriends and husbands too. I think women who r too inclined to nurture and serve, must find away to balance this trait with self love. Not being selfish, but loving yourself enough to where u can appreciate your own value and worth. This empowers u to have and pursue your own dreams and evolve and grow into the person u have the potential to be- Instead of singularly adapting to what u believe your mate wants and needs u to be. I sincerely, hope your situation works well for u, but ask yourself what will u do if it does not for any reason. Then develop a plan B and balance your welfare with your love in small easy steps.
It's very common. Going into a marriage you want to become as one and be a life partner and sometimes it seems like the easiest way to do that is to just give up your ideas and go all in on theirs. Ideally you should both be doing that, a meet-you-halfway kind of thing that lets both people become as one without completely loosing themselves. Usually it IS the woman who gives up things for the man and you know what? Sometimes that works out. But sometimes it doesn't. We know what we want we just don't always know what we have to do to get there.
In my lifetime I've come to see that some people just don't have a strong life path of their own and seem to be wired to jump into someone elses life with them. I don't think it's low self esteem, I think it's just wanting to think of life in terms of being "partnered" rather than individually. Not to be overly Christian about things (since I'm not even) but there is this idea of women being a "help mate" to a man, that isn't exclusively a Christian idea either it was just observed throughout time as something that seemed to work under certain circumstances and I think many of us just naturally think that way without even knowing why.
Obviously nobody should give up everything about themselves, I'm sure even you have your likes, dislikes, preferences, etc. and could exercise those if you had the right support group and that's the first place you can start.
It's very common. Going into a marriage you Not to be overly Christian about things (since I'm not even) but there is this idea of women being a "help mate" to a man, that isn't exclusively a Christian idea either it was just observed throughout time as something that seemed to work under certain circumstances and I think many of us just naturally think that way without even knowing why.
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HELPMATE, n. A wife, or bitter half. From Ambrose Beirces' "Devils Dictionary" wriiten 1911.
I think there are two different ways of being like this one being better for you than the other. The first is to be like a doormat and the other is to have your own strong personhood.
The doormat goes along with anything the husband wants even if it feels wrong to the wife. She would fall apart without his direction and is likely to be a slave to the man. The strong personality can have the same hobbies and interests as her husband and would do them on her own even without him if he were not in the picture. She would likely not give up her own hobbies either, or seperate friends if she had previous ones.
In all of my relationships we have enjoyed similar hobbies, financial interests, mostly the same friends, and did most things together, even businesses. The big difference is that I would live this same way with or without a partner. I also had addl interests that weren't necessarily shared.
Partly it's a matter of growing up and/or knowing who you are and what you like. It can be accomplished without being a doormat or as an all out follower. These days it's probably a good idea to make serious consideration as to your own financial future if you're a woman: savings, career, education, (or inclusion in his pension, name on pd off house) as you never know what life is going to toss your way. Time to reexamine your life it seems.
In my lifetime I've come to see that some people just don't have a strong life path of their own and seem to be wired to jump into someone elses life with them. I don't think it's low self esteem, I think it's just wanting to think of life in terms of being "partnered" rather than individually. Not to be overly Christian about things (since I'm not even) but there is this idea of women being a "help mate" to a man, that isn't exclusively a Christian idea either it was just observed throughout time as something that seemed to work under certain circumstances and I think many of us just naturally think that way without even knowing why.
I was raised Christian and was introduced to the woman-helpmeet concept at a young age. I think there are a number of characteristics involved that comprise that kind of person when subjugation is not an issue - intelligence or really lack thereof, laziness/motivation, self-esteem issues that may include emotional/mental illness, and level of maturity. Of the very few women I've known that don't have their own path, those descriptors seem to fit.
I think the issue is ultimately a unhealthy view regarding life. I think too many people fail to live in the moment and rather live in the future, or the past. (I have suffered from doing both at times). In this case its the idea that they can somehow get happiness through someone else.
You can't. You just plain can't.
You can only find happiness within yourself. And you do that by living by God's word. Trust me on this, I have tried things my own way for a very long time and I failed miserably.
So my suggestion to the original poster, and any others that suffer from this, is to simply rededicate your life to God, and then tell your husband/wife that while you deeply love them, you cannot let them stand between you and the Lord. It will be a struggle at first, as change always is, but hopefully they will see the light and become okay with the changed, rededicated you.
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