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In these seven years he has stood by my unconditionally through my cancer and other ailments. I guess this is why these words have hurt so much because it was not expected. He has always been such a giving person.
If he stood by you and helped take care of you through your illnesses maybe right now it's about returning the favor by understanding that perhaps he is sick himself now and needs support and compassion. Depression is an illness. I know it hurts to be on the receiving end of anger and harsh words but he must really be suffering inside to act out like this, particularly if this isn't how he usually behaves. If it's at all possible try to detach your emotions from the equation and realize he doesn't really mean what he's saying - he's acting out. From what you've said he's been generally a kind and giving partner all this time...until now.
If he's sunk into a severe depression he's not himself right now. This is when a marriage really gets tested. There are many ups and downs. People aren't perfect. If he isn't beating you or cheating on you maybe you can think about turning the other cheek and understanding he's not himself and needs help and support through this.
To advise you to cut and run, particularly when no one knows the whole situation or both parties involved, is irresponsible and uninformed. Marriage is about give and take. Sometimes one partner does more of the giving while the other is taking but if it goes both ways at different times you need to be understanding of it (as long as it isn't always one doing the giving and the other taking...all the time) - sometimes one partner needs to be the strong one when the other is weak. Sometimes in a marriage there are rocky times and it becomes a test of the strength of your commitment and love for the other person.
If he stood by you and helped take care of you through your illnesses maybe right now it's about returning the favor by understanding that perhaps he is sick himself now and needs support and compassion. Depression is an illness. I know it hurts to be on the receiving end of anger and harsh words but he must really be suffering inside to act out like this, particularly if this isn't how he usually behaves. If it's at all possible try to detach your emotions from the equation and realize he doesn't really mean what he's saying - he's acting out. From what you've said he's been generally a kind and giving partner all this time...until now.
If he's sunk into a severe depression he's not himself right now. This is when a marriage really gets tested. There are many ups and downs. People aren't perfect. If he isn't beating you or cheating on you maybe you can think about turning the other cheek and understanding he's not himself and needs help and support through this.
To advise you to cut and run, particularly when no one knows the whole situation or both parties involved, is irresponsible and uninformed. Marriage is about give and take. Sometimes one partner does more of the giving while the other is taking but if it goes both ways at different times you need to be understanding of it (as long as it isn't always one doing the giving and the other taking...all the time) - sometimes one partner needs to be the strong one when the other is weak. Sometimes in a marriage there are rocky times and it becomes a test of the strength of your commitment and love for the other person.
I didn't think about this and I believe it's good advice if he matches up with the criteria that was posted by tao. Good luck.
below is some info. It's a way to get him an involuntary psychiatric exam- being destructive and laying in a room crying are two red flags to depression or mental illness. [quote]
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mental disorders can happen to anyone. She said he doesn't drink. The Baker Act is an alienating choice if she still wants to work things out civilly with her husband. Why should there be a stigma to it- needing help is not a crime or a sin- (although some still act as if this is so) He may be amenable to seeing a doctor, Pixie- I would ask him when things calm down.
Last edited by dreamofmonterey; 07-02-2007 at 01:41 PM..
Reason: add
Location: Phoenix...until next week, then Maryland...tick tock tick tock
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Pixie,
Wow...I am so sorry to hear about this! I know how it feels when someone says hurtful things, & how they stick with you. There have been a couple of things that my BF has said to me that were extremely painful to hear & were extremely damaging to my self-esteem. Despite the fact that he has apologized--numerous times--there are still some sore spots in my heart.
Having said that, I am doing my best to accept his explanation & apologies & move on. He has also punched a couple of things now & then...but I can't put total responsibility on him for that. It is a very bad way to deal with anger...but when you have another angry person (me) pushing your buttons relentlessly, it can be hard to keep composed.
I know that we both have a lot of growing still to do, & while I suspect you guys have had a few more years to grow (I'd have been an 11 year old mother if I had an 18 year old...so I'm making an age assumption here ) that doesn't mean that you guys don't still have growing to do. I agree with a lot of what has been posted here. If you can convince him to go with you for counseling, that would be great. If not, I still suggest you go yourself, if for no other reason than just to unburden yourself of some of this hurt & stress. You've obviously been through a lot, even without this situation.
I also vote depression. I struggle with this myself, & it does have a very profound effect on my thought processes. My depression & dissatisfaction with myself often manifests itself as anger with my BF...He takes a lot of crap from me before he gets angry. Personally, I would've left me long ago, but thankfully he is a much more patient, optimistic person than I.
I don't know all the ins & outs of your situation, so I can't really tell you what you should do. No matter what, threatening divorce is a big deal. A $93 overdraft is so not the issue here. Don't let him off the hook too easy, because his behavior is BS...but go with your heart. If you still want to be with this man & you feel he's worth it, then try to talk to him. If you don't, then it's time to get your affairs in order. If you're convinced that he has made up his mind that he's done with this marriage, then get your affairs in order. If he has already made up his mind, then it can't be resurrected...but severe depression can cause one to say things they don't really mean...trust me on this.
Good luck & go do something nice for yourself...it sounds like you could use a pick-me-up...& I think it would help.
[quote=sunnyhelena;990826]below is some info. It's a way to get him an involuntary psychiatric exam- being destructive and laying in a room crying are two red flags to depression or mental illness.
Quote:
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mental disorders can happen to anyone. She said he doesn't drink. The Baker Act is an alienating choice if she still wants to work things out civilly with her husband. Why should there be a stigma to it- needing help is not a crime or a sin- (although some still act as if this is so) He may be amenable to seeing a doctor, Pixie- I would ask him when things calm down.
My mother has a mental disorder and when take to a hospital that did not have a psychiatric dept at all, the doctor placed her on hold with the baker act so she could be held for 3 days at a county facility. I would NOT recommend this unless you honestly believe he would harm you, your kids or himself. She was basicly stuck in a unit that consisted of drug addicts, and persons that were suicidal even though she had a specific diagnosed mental disorder. They changed her meds without even requesting her medical records and although what they had her on was not helping, they kept her on it. They also sent her home without one of the MOST important anti-psychotic drugs in her possession because they said it was a narcotic. HELLO!! That's kinds of why she was at the HOSPITAL!!!!
Get him to a psychiatrist that can evaluate and diagnose and possibly medicate him. DO NOT use the baker act unless there is no other choice.
Pixie, all states are different, but generally, once funds are co-mingeled they become maritial property, subject to equitable division during a divorce. Despite what a lawyer tells you (he has a lawyer telling him the same thing) nobody really wins in a contested divorce except for the attorneys.
Florida law difines domestic violence as:
741.28 Domestic violence; definitions.--
"Domestic violence" means any assault, aggravated assault, battery, aggravated battery, sexual assault, sexual battery, stalking, aggravated stalking, kidnapping, false imprisonment, or any criminal offense resulting in physical injury or death of one family or household member by another family or household member.
To get an injunction under Florida law you have to show:
741.30 Domestic violence; injunction; powers and duties of court and clerk; petition; notice and hearing; temporary injunction; issuance of injunction; statewide verification system; enforcement.--
1) There is created a cause of action for an injunction for protection against domestic violence.
(a) Any person described in paragraph (e), who is either the victim of domestic violence as defined in s. 741.28 or has reasonable cause to believe he or she is in imminent danger of becoming the victim of any act of domestic violence, has standing in the circuit court to file a sworn petition for an injunction for protection against domestic violence.
I do not know if you could get an injuction from what you have stated. Miami Vice would know.
Regardless, unless he just walks away, both of you will suffer a financial loss, not to mention the emotional stress. I have been there twice, and it is not pleasant.
Pixie, all states are different, but generally, once funds are co-mingeled they become maritial property, subject to equitable division during a divorce. Despite what a lawyer tells you (he has a lawyer telling him the same thing) nobody really wins in a contested divorce except for the attorneys.
Yes, and as marital property, she can go clean out the bank accounts tomorrow and split for parts unknown.....it is joint property if she is on the account and there's not one law on the books to keep her from taking it all. I would happen to know personally about that, I was on the other side of the fence. My attorney kept telling me to take half and be fair - I was sure spousal type person would be fair as well. Oops, my bad. In Arkansas, the judge will generally give you any personal property which was yours prior to the marriage. Things purchased after the marriage become joint property and subject to being split.....that's why my spouse and I now have legal papers stating very plainly what is yours, mine and ours. I think both of us are too old and too tired to go anywhere, but it was something I insisted on early on so if something happened it wouldn't be a "he said, she said" situation. Twice burned, thrice shy...what's the old poem? "with every goodbye, you learn".
I agree with crashcop regarding financial and emotional stress, but I actually can't see where being with someone who is VERBALLY abusive and prone to putting holes in the wall could be any less stressful than being on your own. At least you maintain a measure of control on your own and lose the measure of fear.
He may very well be depressed and need help...I think that's probably a given...nonetheless, the punching and shouting are indicators that there is an anger or frustration bigger than we may know underneath it all. People who bang holes in walls end up kicking the dog and slapping their wife and kids around if they don't learn to deal with their emotions rather than being excused for entirely inappropriate behavior. I think if the OP had told us he got angry and got drunk and drove around that everyone would be up at arms - well, a drunk behind the wheel is a timebomb, and so is a depressed, angry person. Depression makes you do things you wouldn't normally do, but he's well aware of his actions and the OP can't MAKE him seek help - but she can protect herself and her children from future outbursts. Written notes saying I'm sorry are fine, but they aren't addressing whatever the underlying problems are...and sometimes problems can only be addressed when the parties involved are in two separate corners with some neutral territory between them.
Location: Lots of sun and palm trees with occasional hurricane :)
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I haven't read ALL of this thread yet but Pixie "mija", I think your husband needs to go. He's unstable. Whatever he blurted out has been there for a long time and now it is said and done. I could not be as forgiving as you. Apology letter or not, crying or not. You put holes in my wall and the next hole is in his head. I wouldn't have allowed a 2nd hole in my house.
There is a lot more to this than I am writing of course but, bottom line, he can go see a doctor, he can go to his parents, he can go rent an efficiency somewhere else but he can't stay in my house. You're better than that. Don't put up with any of this macho stuff in his head.
I'll tell you something. You know my ex and I weren't doing so well. He has a GOOD, GOOD heart. He IS GOOD people. He's not selfish or materialistic or a troublemaker. But we are totally different from different backgrounds and upbringing and mentality about life.
Aside from the fact that we were just not "right" for each other, one day we went to Costco and we got this flat bed truck in the parking lot. We were moving along and this guy starts backing out his parking space. My ex started yelling and waving his arms to get his attention. The guy still ended up hitting the front corner of that flat bed truck.
My ex went in front of the guy's car and started banging on the hood and telling him all kinds of things. The guy got out of the car, pulled out his cell phone and told me (I was a little bit in shock) he was calling the police. I said fine, go ahead and turned around. Then turned back again and said "you could have hurt somebody or damaged your own car". He said YES, but he doesn't have to bang on my hood. And I said Yes, you're right and walked away.
The guy got back in the car and drove off. I left my Ex standing in the parking lot. Later that evening I just told him, what you did at Costco today was not acceptable and left it at that.
That whole situation just made everything that was wrong between us, that much wronger and there was no turning back.
Just read this. I hope you're doing ok. I know this can be scary, especially when you love someone and have spent so many years with them.
I know there is a lot of advice on here. Please, please, listen to that inner voice that tells you what the right choice is. Make sure you and your kids are protected.
Hang in there, you are in my prayers.
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) that doesn't mean that you guys don't still have growing to do. I agree with a lot of what has been posted here. If you can convince him to go with you for counseling, that would be great. If not, I still suggest you go yourself, if for no other reason than just to unburden yourself of some of this hurt & stress. You've obviously been through a lot, even without this situation.
