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The other woman doesn't need to be pressuring you to leave your wife. She started up with a married man and had to know there was a chance you wouldn't leave your marriage for her. There are "other women" out there who will let you stay married if you are a cheater.
Yep, there are!
Ah yes, those gorgeous types who never have any qualms about giving you something that makes your d**k fall off.
My advice is to tell your wife before someone else does. I have seen this many times where the mistress calls up the wife and lets her know what is going on. The mistress gets tired of waiting and speeds up the process. This is going to get very messy and it is best your wife learns of the affair from you instead of someone else.
All comments and opinions above are right.. And yes I'm not afraid to admit that I need to grow up. I guess I want things to work with my wife but I font want us to spend the rest of our lives together because we are great friends. If love/passion fades for everyone then I can't think of a better life partner. But at the end of the day, I have connected to someone else on a deep emotional level, and that shouldn't be possible if I loved my wife.
I'm not sure I agree that love/passion fades for everyone. I think it has a LOT to do with the person (you) and how they view marriage and relationships in general. If you go into it knowing that this is the person you will spend your life with, that this is the person you will nurture, will love, you invest yourself in them.
You devote your attention to them. You invest yourself in them because they are your future. There is no chance for another woman to take root in your heart because you are not out scoping the scene looking for other women. Your attention is focused on your wife.
Think about it. You had to find the time to notice this other woman. You had to find the time to flirt with her at first, to pursue her. You put effort into making yourself attractive for her, into dreaming about what your date would be like. You put effort into thinking of romantic ways to be with her, reserving hotel rooms or planning out times when you could be intimate. You told her how much you loved her, how beautiful she was.
All of that was time spent actively pursuing this other woman's affections. It was time you chose to spend neglecting your wife and time where you actively WORKED to get this other woman on your hook.
Now imagine you had spent that same energy every day in your marriage, writing sweet little notes to leave in your wife's pocket, making yourself look extra nice *just* for her, planning dates with your wife, working up sweet little compliments for her, reserving a hotel for you to have a romantic night together. Chances are you put a lot more work into nurturing a relationship with your mistress than you did with your wife.
The INITIAL flood of hormones fades with everyone within the first few months. That's why at the beginning you get butterflies when you kiss someone, but can kiss your spouse each day, still loving them, but without jumping up and down about it for an hour. It is replaced by a far deeper love, but only if you have the maturity and desire to nurture that and develop it with your partner.
I'm not sure I agree that love/passion fades for everyone. I think it has a LOT to do with the person (you) and how they view marriage and relationships in general. If you go into it knowing that this is the person you will spend your life with, that this is the person you will nurture, will love, you invest yourself in them.
You devote your attention to them. You invest yourself in them because they are your future. There is no chance for another woman to take root in your heart because you are not out scoping the scene looking for other women. Your attention is focused on your wife.
...
I can not rep you again but I just have to say your wisdom is impressive. Although I never married, your advice sounds like the way to look at it.
Ok, not proud of this but I've been married for seven years and I've been having an affair for the past eight months. My wife is great but there is just no physical chemistry. I have found someone who I think I'm in love with but is also married. She left her husband last week and wants me to do the same. My wife is great in almost every way but she is more of a great friend than a lover. The added complication is that she is from Australia and desperately wants to move home. No kids.. What to do, heart or head?
I don't want to drop too much morality on ya... but come on.
Man the hell up.
And they said that the 80's was the me me decade. Your wife doesn't deserve this.
Flip the script, she's getting ridden 8 ways to Sunday, would you appreciate that??
I'm not sure I agree that love/passion fades for everyone. I think it has a LOT to do with the person (you) and how they view marriage and relationships in general. If you go into it knowing that this is the person you will spend your life with, that this is the person you will nurture, will love, you invest yourself in them.
You devote your attention to them. You invest yourself in them because they are your future. There is no chance for another woman to take root in your heart because you are not out scoping the scene looking for other women. Your attention is focused on your wife.
Think about it. You had to find the time to notice this other woman. You had to find the time to flirt with her at first, to pursue her. You put effort into making yourself attractive for her, into dreaming about what your date would be like. You put effort into thinking of romantic ways to be with her, reserving hotel rooms or planning out times when you could be intimate. You told her how much you loved her, how beautiful she was.
All of that was time spent actively pursuing this other woman's affections. It was time you chose to spend neglecting your wife and time where you actively WORKED to get this other woman on your hook.
Now imagine you had spent that same energy every day in your marriage, writing sweet little notes to leave in your wife's pocket, making yourself look extra nice *just* for her, planning dates with your wife, working up sweet little compliments for her, reserving a hotel for you to have a romantic night together. Chances are you put a lot more work into nurturing a relationship with your mistress than you did with your wife.
The INITIAL flood of hormones fades with everyone within the first few months. That's why at the beginning you get butterflies when you kiss someone, but can kiss your spouse each day, still loving them, but without jumping up and down about it for an hour. It is replaced by a far deeper love, but only if you have the maturity and desire to nurture that and develop it with your partner.
spot on.
there must have been pts where you could have turned back and not chosen to have the affair.
Another thing is that does the OP have children? Would it affect the children to know that this other woman is splitting up the household?
I won't be denigrating and call the OP a dog, even though in my mind this situation is pretty low. I just think he needs to be honest with his wife perceiving the marriage to be fine. If both parties were already at breaking point, and one cheated, I don't think it will matter. But that's just my own opinion.
Okay, I'll dispense with all the rote, kneejerk answers because all the other posters have done that for me.
However, I'll add this thought to the fire. I would offer that you 'love' this woman because of the fun she provides, whether it's sex, witty conversations, or whatever else you do in your liaisons.
The problem with that? You aren't paying the bills with the lover. You aren't having to do housework with the lover. You're not raising children with the lover. You're not doing the thousand little boring things with the lover that makes a marriage work. So you basically get each other's quality time, while you spend your other hours doing the mundane things that are required by life.
So grow up. Either break it off with your lover or divorce your wife. And if you have kids, just realize what kind of emotional damage it's going to inflict when you board a plane for Sydney, never to be seen again or, at best, annual visits.
Your suggestion, whilst well founded and rational in itself, depends on the values/attitudes of the two women in question. What if both have conservative beliefs, or traditional beliefs on relationships?
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