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wow, Don't you think your good, hard working husband deserves more consideration than your desire to try out some new flesh? You say you don't feel emotionally neglected, but you don't act like it. I think that if you spent as much time talking your fears and your wants and desires with your husband, as you do fantasizing about other men, He would have a much better chance to give you what you crave. It would be a shame to turn your back on a good man, without trying everything in your power to make things better for the 2 of you first..
The passion fades in every relationship. Hook up with that new boy-toy and it'll fade with him as well. Feel lucky, however, that you're married to a good man.
If you're smart you'll just forget about the affair and honor the commitment you made to stay with your husband for better or worse.
I agree. To expect fireworks for years on end without any dull periods is not a realistic existence for a long term relationship. But at the same time when sparks fade out you have to think about why and see what you can do about that BEFORE having an affair.
Forget about that guy, be honourable and focus on renewing your marriage and sexual life with your husband. Talk to your husband and tell him that you need some excitement in your relationship. or if your marriage is so much hopeless, divorce but not cheat. but excitement ends in most of the marriages afterwards. you can't divorce each time you get bored you'll probably get bored of also this guy after some time.
And think about this: if he can be with a married woman today, can you guarantee that he won't cheat you tomorrow??? can you trust him in your new marriage??? Don't break up your household, especially for this unreliable person.
I know many people will angrily write in response to my thread, but here goes anyway. They say an affair is merely a result of a failing marriage. I had an affair with a man 11 years younger than me (he is 25). My husband doesn't know. It started as an emotional attachment and within a month turned sexual. My husband works many long hours and I rarely see him. This man wanted to marry me and start a family with me. We had an instant connection both emotionally and physically as many affairs do. He met needs that I didn't even know I had.
He believed that my husband was cheating on me ( I don't think so, but who really knows). When I didn't leave my husband, he moved on, understandably. Well he came back and was constantly asking about my marriage (we are in counseling). While he wasn't as loving, he made it clear that he was hanging about waiting for me to file for divorce. I finally told him that I needed space to work on my marriage properly. Now he isn't speaking to me, understandably so..well he is distant and cold. Part of me wants to be with him but I know the percentage of affairs that last are like 3%.
I have been married for 7 years. He is a good man. I do not feel neglected emotionally, but sex and passion have been non-existant. I don't feel "in love" or sexually attracted to my husband. He feels like a roommate. So now in counseling, I am working on loving him again and trying to understand this restlessness I am going through. I feel like I am going through a mid-life crisis. I'm terrified of aging and ready to have a baby but the idea of staying with my husband is at times depressing.
Can I make this marriage work? Everyone says I can. I have never cheated on him before but I can't deny my attraction to other men right now. I don't know if it's hormonal or what. But I'm so worried right now. What about this other man. What was he thinking? Why was he waiting? Sometimes I think that it's just the chase for him and if I were single, he wouldn't be interested. I know what I did was terrible. I've made my peace with God, but now I feel that I am worse off emotionally than I was before. I don't know if I should continue counseling or file for divorce...
You may have made peace with God, but there is no making peace with yourself until you do the right thing - which you haven't and why you feel "worse off emotionally".
Cardinal rule - don't take your old relationship into your new one or you'll just end up in the same position that you are in now later down the line.
You MUST see your marrriage thru.
You must do all you can to salvage it.
That means saying goodbye completely to the 25 year old and doing the hard work in counseling with your husband.
If you keep new guy waiting in the wings while you are deciding what to do you aren't being fair to your husband - who deserves your first loyalty.
Your marriage may not be able to be saved, but you won't know that until you are not so distracted by this other guy.
Unfortunately for the OP, if she tells her husband that she cheated, it will probably end her marriage. Female infidelity takes a much harder toll on a marriage than male infidelity.
Also, I'd be willing to wager that if she files for divorce instead of saving her marriage, she'll be even more unhappy than she is now. At 35, you've already hit the wall and are sliding down hard. The dating world isn't the same as it was when you left it. And younger men are an easy lay to and for a woman 35+. Don't believe the hype.
You've really gotten yourself into a pickle, annieseal. I think you should work hard to save your marriage (and consider the burden to be on YOU) yet keep your mouth shut about your affair. I know that this sounds like a jerky thing to say, but I believe this is the best course of action given the circumstances.
As I mentioned about male vs female infidelity... I started to google for statistics and became bored. But I came across this blog from a guy who I think explains the emotional difference well, in a manner I can't say here since it's a pg-13 board:
Staying in your marriage might satisfy other people here, but will it make you happy? I know you are expected to work out your marriage, but it's really not worth it if it's gonna fail anyway?
What I'm saying is try to ignore peer pressure and what is the 'appropriate' thing to do.
Find out what you really want. Here you have a loving husband who you don't really love back. And another younger candidate who wants you. You can risk losing one and regretting it or losing both if you don't pick. Life isn't a bad Twilight movie where men battle each other forever for a woman. You only have a short time frame to decide.
You don't need counselling if you really think about what you want. Who do you love the most? And I mean real love, not just temporary romance. You should be able to tell the difference. Are you sure you're not staying with your husband for the security? On the other hand, are you sure you're not interested in that younger man just because you want kids (it's a fact that older women will often subconciously pick younger males for reproductive purposes)?
These are the kinds of question you have to ask yourself. You have to do what you want, but for the right reasons. Not to please folks who think you should remain married, not because that young men is exciting but because it's truly what you want in the long run. Heck, maybe you'll realize you need to be alone.
I hope you manage to work this out. I suspect you already know what you want.
Staying in your marriage might satisfy other people here, but will it make you happy? I know you are expected to work out your marriage, but it's really not worth it if it's gonna fail anyway?
What I'm saying is try to ignore peer pressure and what is the 'appropriate' thing to do.
Find out what you really want. Here you have a loving husband who you don't really love back. And another younger candidate who wants you. You can risk losing one and regretting it or losing both if you don't pick. Life isn't a bad Twilight movie where men battle each other forever for a woman. You only have a short time frame to decide.
You don't need counselling if you really think about what you want. Who do you love the most? And I mean real love, not just temporary romance. You should be able to tell the difference. Are you sure you're not staying with your husband for the security? On the other hand, are you sure you're not interested in that younger man just because you want kids (it's a fact that older women will often subconciously pick younger males for reproductive purposes)?
These are the kinds of question you have to ask yourself. You have to do what you want, but for the right reasons. Not to please folks who think you should remain married, not because that young men is exciting but because it's truly what you want in the long run. Heck, maybe you'll realize you need to be alone.
I hope you manage to work this out. I suspect you already know what you want.
And this ladies and gentlemen is one big reason why our divorce rate is so high - people are managing to make it to adulthood without a thorough understanding of the concept of COMMITTMENT
As I mentioned about male vs female infidelity... I started to google for statistics and became bored. But I came across this blog from a guy who I think explains the emotional difference well, in a manner I can't say here since it's a pg-13 board:
But the only girl who ever cheated on me is the girl I settled down with. Once you get over your ego and stop having those disgusting visuals and try to understand why the cheating occured, it's really not that big a deal.
Mind you, I cheated on her a few times too so maybe I felt even afterwards. But really, I was trying to end our relationship and so was she. We cheated on each others a few times, until we got completly burnt out of trying to break up only to end up hurting each others.
We are financially independant, we are still young, we are good-looking...we could've been with anyone else. We weren't even in the same city. The relationship made no sense to us, so we tried to move on with other people but we always ended up driving to see each others even if all odds were against us
One day, we sat down and came to the conclusion that we were stuck together. We settled down and as time pass we really don't care and look back at all this with humor. Time does its work. The only trace of this period we have left are a few swinging fantasies but it's not something we focus on as of the moment. Maybe when he hit our midlife crisis
Believe it or not, we trust each other a 100% and a lot of people who are actually married envy our confidence in each others. We're not afraid, jealous or possessive.
Anyway, all I'm saying is that cheating is not the end of the world. But it depends. When you are emotionally involved with someone else, like the OP is, I'd say the relationship is over.
Last edited by GeorgeLucasLongLostChin; 02-08-2011 at 09:23 AM..
And this ladies and gentlemen is one big reason why our divorce rate is so high - people are managing to make it to adulthood without a thorough understanding of the concept of COMMITTMENT
Superficial commitment is useless. Maybe from the outside it will look better if she remains married. Maybe people like yourself will be happier knowing that she will remain married but that won't change the situation under the surface.
When you are no long emotionally attached to someone, there is no commitment. You stay with someone just to honor traditions. I find the idea of being someone just because people say so to be hypocritical, dishonest and hurtful.
No amount of commitment will make her love her husband back if she's moved on in her head and no amount of counseling will stop her from cheating eventually. If she works it out and decides her husband is the man she wants to be with, fine, but if she does it just to honor her marriage...she'll probably stray again at some time. You can only go against your will for so long.
I respect your choice to folllow traditions no matter what but I'd rather have a geniuine relationship with someone.
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you'll probably get bored of also this guy after some time.
