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Your cheating is understandable . . . because you are an inately dishonest person who lies, cheats and sneaks around in order to satisfy some carnal desires. You will never find happiness anywhere unless you can have a life changing revalation that changes your twisted ethics and personality.
You can start by divorcing the poor schlub that you have victimized so that your abuse of him does not continue. He will be far better off without you. And, don't bother trying to set things up with the paramour. Cheaters who get married never can trust oneanother and the lack of trust is worse than the actual cheating.
You might try drinking in excess. I'm told that alcohol dissolves the conscience which is what you will need to get by.
I did not have time to read all of the other replies so forgive me if I repeat...but this is just pathetic...pure and simple.
The OP didnt seem to be blaming herself or taking responsibility for herself at all. It was all I did this because of this..
Let me let you in on something..its shocking and you will gasp and say why didnt I think of that when you read it..so hang on to your hat...
This is a free country and if your marriage isnt working and you are not happy, you can get a divorce!!! oh yeah
You can then sleep with all the other men you want..and no one will call you what we are in our minds...
I do not care what he does to you or how awful he makes you feel or if he beats you even..you have no right to cheat on him. period. Walk away..let him go. Let yourself go.
You are toying with your little "friend" and you are toying with your husband...
Sounds to me like you just married the wrong guy. Theres a lot of people married for years that dont belong together and they stick together just for no good reason. They(you?) may love your husband but may not be compatible with him. It's no wonder they (you?) find someone else. Was the emotional side and sex ever good with your husband? My sister used to complain that the Love of her life was terrible in bed, but she loved everthing else about him. She never did marry him but they were soul mates. We as people are not compatible on all levels, you just have to decide which ones are important to you.
Everybody should have a prioritized compatibilty list with their mate with the 10 or most important things they are looking for in a mate. Heres mine with a couple of extras but not in order of importance; Looks, good provider, Common background, common likes, Faithful, good parent, stable, sex, security, good person, none drug user, non drinker, non smoker, emotional attachment. The list can easily change as life goes on.
I think a lot of the infidelity we see today is because we are not willing to settle, but we are not ready to break ties with someone we have put time into or are afraid to. Some people endure a life of abuse and misery just because they are afraid to get a divorce.
Last edited by Docaholic; 03-02-2011 at 04:13 PM..
Can I make this marriage work? Everyone says I can. I have never cheated on him before but I can't deny my attraction to other men right now. I don't know if it's hormonal or what. But I'm so worried right now. What about this other man. What was he thinking? Why was he waiting? Sometimes I think that it's just the chase for him and if I were single, he wouldn't be interested. I know what I did was terrible. I've made my peace with God, but now I feel that I am worse off emotionally than I was before. I don't know if I should continue counseling or file for divorce...
Honestly, I don’t think this marriage is going to work. You said you can’t deny your attraction to other MEN, not just this one other man. This is going to spell disaster. If you’re this uncomfortable and unsure maybe you should be alone for a while, be single.
Pay no attention to the people who call you names and put you down in here. Even though what you did was very, very wrong (which I am sure you are more than aware of), you came here for help.
I know many people will angrily write in response to my thread, but here goes anyway. They say an affair is merely a result of a failing marriage. I had an affair with a man 11 years younger than me (he is 25). My husband doesn't know. It started as an emotional attachment and within a month turned sexual. My husband works many long hours and I rarely see him. This man wanted to marry me and start a family with me. We had an instant connection both emotionally and physically as many affairs do. He met needs that I didn't even know I had.
He believed that my husband was cheating on me ( I don't think so, but who really knows). When I didn't leave my husband, he moved on, understandably. Well he came back and was constantly asking about my marriage (we are in counseling). While he wasn't as loving, he made it clear that he was hanging about waiting for me to file for divorce. I finally told him that I needed space to work on my marriage properly. Now he isn't speaking to me, understandably so..well he is distant and cold. Part of me wants to be with him but I know the percentage of affairs that last are like 3%.
I have been married for 7 years. He is a good man. I do not feel neglected emotionally, but sex and passion have been non-existant. I don't feel "in love" or sexually attracted to my husband. He feels like a roommate. So now in counseling, I am working on loving him again and trying to understand this restlessness I am going through. I feel like I am going through a mid-life crisis. I'm terrified of aging and ready to have a baby but the idea of staying with my husband is at times depressing.
Can I make this marriage work? Everyone says I can. I have never cheated on him before but I can't deny my attraction to other men right now. I don't know if it's hormonal or what. But I'm so worried right now. What about this other man. What was he thinking? Why was he waiting? Sometimes I think that it's just the chase for him and if I were single, he wouldn't be interested. I know what I did was terrible. I've made my peace with God, but now I feel that I am worse off emotionally than I was before. I don't know if I should continue counseling or file for divorce...
Well, I don't know whether or not your marriage can survive, but I do know that unless you come clean about your affair, your counseling is useless. Right now you are living a lie and hiding a big secret, you won't be able to emotionally move on unless your husband knows the truth. From then on, you will be able to think clearer and see whether this marriage is worth fighting for.
Thats nice that you forgive yourself. I don't and from your statement your husband would not either. As for God? His choice for forgiveness are based on what ever religion you believe in. Does your belief sanction adultery? Does your Priest, Shaman, Pastor, Confessor, Drug dealer know of your fall from grace? If not you may need to find out if you are violating the rules.
Why you bother spending money with a counselor is also strange. How can he/she help without knowing the real picture? If you are just hoping that it never comes to light about your affair, that may happen. However it does not answer your basic reasons that you had one. I am willing to bet you will have another sometime in the future. (or re-continue the one you have had already).
I agree with this. OP is wasting money on this whole counseling thing. She is not honest with her husband and she is not honest with the therapist. The only way that she can completely move on from this affair is to come clean. Otherwise she will cheat again. Quite honestly, I don't know how she can look into her husband's eyes now, yet alone try to salvage the marriage while keeping a secret as such.
Men do forgive. Not as much as women, but they do forgive. And whether or not this marriage is worth fighting for will be visible by her husband's reaction. If he is willing to work on the marriage past the infidelity, then she definitely has a something to fight for.
When I was married to my ex-husband, I didnt love him like a wife should love her husband, I kept telling myself someday I will follow inlove with him. That someday never happened. I realized it was no fair to him or me, so I asked for a divorce, he deserved to find someone who would love him the way he needed it.
We then seperated, but because of our religous beliefs he couldnt divorce me (I mean file for divorce), I was seeing someone during our seperation, so when I fornicated I called him and told him he can file for divorce now,
He did, he did find someone he has been with her ever since, I do hope he finds his happiness,
A spouse should never feel like a roommate, but a lover
Some people are married to the wrong person and they think they need to hold on when they should be letting go
People marry someone for a number of reasons. You don't want X amount of years to have been a waste. You know they’re a good person. You think you can maybe fall in love with them. You’re too comfortable to leave. You’re scared to start over. You have a family. Your family would be humiliated if you got divorced.
The list goes on. A relationship – although treated this way by way too many people – isn’t just some throwaway thing. It’s not that easy just to walk away.
I wish I could just up and leave someone as easily as most people on here seem to be able to do.
Last edited by *VaNiLlaGoRrilLa*; 03-02-2011 at 04:53 PM..
People marry someone for a number of reasons. You don't want X amount of years to have been a waste. You know they’re a good person. You think you can maybe fall in love with them. You’re too comfortable to leave. You’re scared to start over. You have a family. Your family would be humiliated if you got divorced.
Yes, people marry for a number of WRONG reasons. No wonder more than half of marriages fail.
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