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Did you try reversing roles and putting yourself in your husband's place? What if he got in touch w/ an old friend and wanted to spend time online w/ her on FB playing games and emailing? What if he wanted to follow her band around? What if he was bragging on a talent she had that you didn't?
Let me give you a taste of the possible conclusion of all this...just the other day, here in Middletown OH, an estranged husband took a shotgun and a loaded assault rifle, went to a restaurant parking lot where his soon to be ex worked as a waitress, took the shotgun, ventilated her new boyfriend, and then turned said shotgun on himself...
If you're keeping score, that's 2 dead men and one severely shaken woman, whose life will never be the same, all because her husband got p****d off and decided to play Rambo, and end HIS life AND the other
this is an all too common story....it happens every few months and its in the papers ...waitress, boyfriend and ex have a showdown at the ok corral...in one case, the golden corral..
This isn't about cheating. It's about standing firm and not letting a man dictate who you are friends with. As some of you have said it's 2011 not the middle ages and we're not living in Saudi Arabia where women get killed.
Do you really feel that way? Is this really about your husband's reaction to your super-friendship with this guy or is this about something more? I feel like you're overplaying his jealousy (just from what you've said and how you've described him) in order to justify being more emotionally intimate with another man that you're "more interested in" at the time.
If another man could steal your time and attention so easily, then why did you get married in the first place?
Quote:
Originally Posted by jmassey83
I knew my friend way before I knew my husband because I was heavily into the local scene.. I have always got along better with men than other women. Most female friends I've had stabbed me in the back at some point.
Now I can't even be on FB without my husband sniffing around. Me giving in would not solve anything. I want to nip the controlling thing in the bud before I end up in one of 'those' marriages.
I also agree with the person who said that you cannot put all of your emotional need eggs in one basket. There is nothing wrong with confiding in other people of the opposite sex if it's purely platonic.
The first paragraph of this quote would scare me early on in the relationship and send me running for the hills. That doesn't sound like marriage material type women to me.
You are married, why do you care if your husband can see your facebook conversations or not? Why does he HAVE to sniff? It sounds like you have something to hide, and it's your discussion with your friend. If it truly is platonic, let your husband read them so he can see that. It still doesn't justify your behavior though.
As for putting all your emotional needs in one basket....that's why people have parents or siblings or close friends from college who are of the same sex. Confiding in another man on the level that you are is taking away from your relationship with your husband.
Quote:
Originally Posted by jmassey83
No mention of the fact that my husband needs to trust me that I would never hurt him. That is what's damaging the marriage.
I dated a girl for 2 years in college, I was in love with her. You know what ended it? Me breaking up with her because she slowing drifted away.
She had a fake ID and I did not, so she would go out with a bunch of guy friends of hers to the bar and get drunk off her ass. She wouldn't call me or text me while out at the bar, she wouldn't come stay with me afterward either. These "guy friends" I never once met, never even knew their names. I was all for letting her have friends, but she was so secretive about it. She wouldn't even tell me about her night or what they did, who was there, nothing.
She would then tell me that I just need to learn to trust her.
My point is that part of trust is the other person not creating a situation for doubt. You read about my ex-gf and 100 people will tell you she was probably cheating on me. She told me to trust her that she wasn't. What kind of situation are you putting your husband in with your actions? You are demanding his trust but you're not doing anything to earn it.
If you're not guilty, why run from the police, destroy evidence, and flee the country?
The problem is that my hubby clearly is uncomfortable with my male friend. He told me the other day that he is fine with me having male friends, as long as he trusts them and knows them (????). He doesn't like this particular male friend because he feels inferior to him as he knows I like music and creativity, while my hubby isn't musical. I keep telling him that he has nothing to worry about and that I'd never meet my friend alone without him, but he is now paranoid about us emailing one another and for some reason is upset that my friend confided in me about his personal problems.
We had a massive argument yesterday with him saying "Sorry I don't have any musical talent" and storming off. I don't want to ditch my friend, but what should I do? My husband doesn't like him, but he won't tell me outright to cease contact with this person. Most of the friendship is just over email and World Of Warcraft. I am beside myself as to why he is acting like such a jerk, knowing that I have few friends.
To play the Devil's Advocate, should he have to? Your husband has already let you know that he feels uncomfortable with the type of contact you have with this man. Your friendship with this man has already caused fights in your marriage. Should your husband have to tell you to cut it out and leave him alone? Or should you take a look at the situation like an adult and take a big step back on your own?
It's a hard question to answer. I read nothing in your posts that suggests you have done anything "wrong" per se, nor that you have any intention of cheating. The trouble is, most people don't and most affairs begin exactly the way you are describing with your friend. You talk about innocent things, grow closer. Then he confides a personal problem (he crossed the line there) to a married woman. Suddenly he's in your deepest circle of confidence in a way that ideally, only your husband should be. Your husband (rightfully) starts to feel a bit threatened. A big fight ensues.
Now you're in a tough place. Should you not be allowed any male friends? No, I don't think that's the answer, and I don't think that's what your husband is suggesting either. However, when you get married, you choose that you're going to make that relationship come before all else. It would be fine to see this "friend" in public with your husband at your side, say at a party or at one of his shows. It would be fine to meet him for dinner along with your husband. But all the emailing, Facebooking, and other private contact? I think that needs to stop.
Think about it this way... if your husband had some woman friend from his past who was emailing him, Facebooking him, etc, would you not feel the least bit concerned? What if she possessed all of the qualities you felt you lacked (more physically attractive, better suited to him in one way or another) and was confiding her boo-hoo's over a failed relationship? Wouldn't you feel there was some reason to be a bit concerned? I think you need to follow your conscience and behave the way you would hope he would if your situations were reversed.
I'm single and would have dropped this loser 'friend' on my own volition. Wouldn't need a husband to tell me what a dirtbag he is.
Why someone would put their marriage in jeopardy for this is only looking to justify divorce.
I'm wondering why the OP came on CD forum asking for help only to get defensisve. She doesn't want our help. She was hoping we'd all root for the musician.
Why are you choosing to only hone in on what your husband needs to do, and where your husband is in the wrong, and how this is somehow a scheme for your husband to flex control over you? Why are you completely ignoring the felking HEYYUUGGEE part you're playing in stoking the fire? The fact that you have to "stand up to him" and show that this is 2011 and not 1951? You're the one playing the control game, not him. This has nothing to do with countering an attempt at "male domination", as you see it. It has everything to do with needing to do right by your marriage. Count me in as one of the several forum members who can't believe you are still failing to realise this.
You came on here asking for help, but you don't want help. You want someone to confirm the conclusion you've already come to. You already know what you want to do, and it looks like it's already beginning to slowly eat up your marriage. In such case, there's nothing else that needs to be said. You want support for your decision, and you've gotten it. However, judging from the attitude you're conveying here, if your marriage does go ka-put, you'll find every reason for why your husband is at fault and why you aren't. It's sad. Hopefully you won't come back later on whining when your marriage is completely down the drain.
Let me give you a taste of the possible conclusion of all this...just the other day, here in Middletown OH, an estranged husband took a shotgun and a loaded assault rifle, went to a restaurant parking lot where his soon to be ex worked as a waitress, took the shotgun, ventilated her new boyfriend, and then turned said shotgun on himself...
If you're keeping score, that's 2 dead men and one severely shaken woman, whose life will never be the same, all because her husband got p****d off and decided to play Rambo, and end HIS life AND the other
this is an all too common story....it happens every few months and its in the papers ...waitress, boyfriend and ex have a showdown at the ok corral...in one case, the golden corral..
This happens sadly....but OP would take none of the blame if her husband snapped and took out the musician !.....
This happens sadly....but OP would take none of the blame if her husband snapped and took out the musician !.....
And let's hope it DOES NOT come to that, because I wouldn't wish an end like that on ANYONE...
However, I guess I still can't wrap my head around the fact that the OP's husband smells a rat, and folks are still debating whether her husband is right, or if he's being jealous, insecure, and controlling...despite the fact that he's only (according to posts from the OP) sent out the rat-alert about just this one guy
And let's hope it DOES NOT come to that, because I wouldn't wish an end like that on ANYONE...
However, I guess I still can't wrap my head around the fact that the OP's husband smells a rat, and folks are still debating whether her husband is right, or if he's being jealous, insecure, and controlling...despite the fact that he's only (according to posts from the OP) sent out the rat-alert about just this one guy
^^Word. That's pretty much my take on it.
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