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I have only read a few pages. There seem to be two camps, the husband is an insecure jerk camp and the you are a selfish jerk camp. I am in neither of these camps.
Let us take the notion of blame out of the equation and work the problem. Your husband, is, indeed being goofy in his insecurity. But when we marry, we marry the warts along with the good stuff. You need to find a way to strike a balance between kindness and understanding with your husband, working on making him feel loved and cherished by you while setting effective limits on behavior. Personally, I don't see what the big deal is to have little contact with this friend. It is SOOOOO common for these confidante relationships to turn into emotional affairs without the offending spouse even realizing it is going on. Don't play with matches. Don't get burned.
That said, your husband's behavior is crap too. Pitching a fit and then not talking to you? Um no. Can you sit him down, calmly explain that he has no reason to be jealous but that out of respect for his wishes, you are going to greatly lessen your contact and will immediately derail any conversations that go into romantic confidences space? Calmly explain your feelings about his lack of trust in you. If he pitches any fits or makes non-productive defensive and insecure comments, you can calmly say when you are ready to discuss these issues seriously, let's talk again.
I think both of you could get over to marriagebuilders.com and get some education as well.
Good luck.
The OP was from 2011. She is probably living with the guy by now and playing WoW all day.
Two years, 33 pages, and more than 320 posts are a bit much to study at one time, but most surely do I concur with most opinions that side with the husband. The OP originator is long gone, but she is dead wrong, and her husband was justified in his jealousy and objections. There have been recent threads on this "We're just friends" topic. My opinion is that it is virtually impossible for a man and woman of the same or nearly same age, neither person gay, to be or to remain "just friends." Romantic and/or sexual feelings of one or both persons is almost always going to come into play. Friendships between married couples does not count, that is an entirely different matter.
The OP husband was not being insecure, acting like a jerk, or being controlling, as earlier posts pointed out, he was behaving like a normal male, protecting his wife from what was definitely an outside threat to his marriage. Non sexual infidelity, emotionial infidelity, internet romance, or whatever label you wish to call it, seems to have been a definite factor. Such conduct can wreck a marriage, and needed to have been stopped. When a couple is married or in a committed relationship, both partners must put aside and let go of old relationships. The whole question of this topic comes down to one very basic question that applies to both men and women; which is more important to you, your husband or wife or your old friend? Which would you rather end, your marriage or your friendship?
The OP husband was not being insecure, acting like a jerk, or being controlling, as earlier posts pointed out, he was behaving like a normal male, protecting his wife from what was definitely an outside threat to his marriage.
Yes he was. He made snotty passive aggressive comments like "well sorry I can't be more talented". Then he acted like a petulant child and refused to meet the man after the op tried to introduce them. I can't side with the husband when he acts like an immature brat because his wife has a friend that she talks to. The husband has no respect for his wife. The op never did anything with this guy and didn't have romantic feelings for this man. I can't side with the husband and tell the op to do whatever her husband wishes when his behavior is creepy and disgusting. Like I said, what if he made these comments and threatened to leave her over her family? Do you all bow down to your husbands will every time he throws a childish temper tantrum over stupid irrational things? Where will it end? The op will be walking on eggshells every time he says boo.
In case any think that my remarks were just biased in favor of men, not so. Flip the situation around, and it would equally wrong for a husband to behave in this manner. Earlier posts mentioned this, how would she like it if he clung to an old female friend? Not very much Imo. Man or woman, top priority belongs to your spouse, not friends from the past. When some conduct threatens the marriage and the spouse views it as a major problem, that conduct must be ceased or else the marriage may be in real trouble. Stubbornly digging in and saying "You don't own me" or "I'll do what i want" not the wisest course. What he/she thinks, believes, and insists on is not the point. The only important thing is how he/she, the offended partner, feels. In the case of the OP husband, he felt threatened and was jealous, feelings that Imo were justified.
Would you like your husband having personal private conversations with other women about their problems?{Most likely the easiest road in developing intimacy,and causing emotions to be aroused}. And if your husband fails to live up to how this fella makes you feel. Then your a sitting duck,hook,line,and sinker. On your way to the new usual...DIVORSE. If you truly LOVE your husband,and he truly LOVES you..."LOVE CONQUERS ALL".
In case any think that my remarks were just biased in favor of men, not so. Flip the situation around, and it would equally wrong for a husband to behave in this manner. Earlier posts mentioned this, how would she like it if he clung to an old female friend? Not very much Imo. Man or woman, top priority belongs to your spouse, not friends from the past. When some conduct threatens the marriage and the spouse views it as a major problem, that conduct must be ceased or else the marriage may be in real trouble. Stubbornly digging in and saying "You don't own me" or "I'll do what i want" not the wisest course. What he/she thinks, believes, and insists on is not the point. The only important thing is how he/she, the offended partner, feels. In the case of the OP husband, he felt threatened and was jealous, feelings that Imo were justified.
The "conduct" threatening the marriage was the husband's conduct. His irrational jealousy and behavior was the conduct in question. The op only talking to a friend online and playing online games with him. The horror!!! The husband created a problem that didn't even exist and put in his mind and took it out on the op. Then he threw a hissy fit, tried to guilt trip the op, and seemingly was trying to isolate the op from her friends. Classic abuser.
Personally, I wouldn't have any problem with my husband or boyfriend hanging out with or talking with an old female friend. Unless I knew for a fact that there was more than a friendship in the past on either part. It's clear in this case that there is no romantic feelings on either side. Who is that insecure?
If the husband is that insecure, then yes a divorce is necessary. He should then find his stepford wife or a woman with no friends and family who will cater to his every whim and need. Or perhaps he can just lock the op up in the basement with only a little food and water. Who knows, maybe that's what happened to her!
The "conduct" threatening the marriage was the husband's conduct. His irrational jealousy and behavior was the conduct in question. The op only talking to a friend online and playing online games with him. The horror!!! The husband created a problem that didn't even exist and put in his mind and took it out on the op. Then he threw a hissy fit, tried to guilt trip the op, and seemingly was trying to isolate the op from her friends. Classic abuser.
Personally, I wouldn't have any problem with my husband or boyfriend hanging out with or talking with an old female friend. Unless I knew for a fact that there was more than a friendship in the past on either part. It's clear in this case that there is no romantic feelings on either side. Who is that insecure?
If the husband is that insecure, then yes a divorce is necessary. He should then find his stepford wife or a woman with no friends and family who will cater to his every whim and need. Or perhaps he can just lock the op up in the basement with only a little food and water. Who knows, maybe that's what happened to her!
Talk about extremes.
I think it's been made clear throughout the thread that it's just this one guy that her husband has issues with. I'd wonder why the need to reconnect now (well, now being 2011) with another man that had been out of her life for a long time. Now they confide in each other and she spends time online with him on email, FB, WoW and chatting on the phone. That's hardly "only".
Why is she so insistent on maintaining this friendship when her husband is uncomfortable with it? If people online can see it, I can only imagine what the husband must be feeling, wondering why this friendship was resurrected, this guy's motivations, then wondering about his wife's motivations since she's defending the right to her friendship with the long-lost guy over her husband's feelings. It certainly comes across that she's digging in her heels just to spite him, because the way she describes her husband, she doesn't give a damn what he thinks, she's going to do what she's going to do. That's the sort of rebellion you see in teens against their parents, not a grown adult against their spouse.
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