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Once divorce was apparent, I joined a divorce support group. For purposes of answering your question, I want to share some TRUE stories:
1. One woman started immediately dating a man in our group, thinking he was THE ONE...only to find out later he was literally using her (he told her that) and she was devastated.
2. Another began dating immediately and slept with every guy that came along....each time saying he was a "lovely man"
3. A man in the group went back and forth from his ex to others he met...over and over.
4. Another woman too began dating....only to be hopeful then very disappointed each time.
What I am getting to: those who are divorcing (particularly after long-term marriages) are in NO CONDITION EMOTIONALLY TO HAVE ANY TYPE OF DATING/SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP. Quite similar to the recommendation for recovering from alcoholism etc.....ie no dating for a year or so......
WATCH OUT or you could be hurt. The people I mentioned are fine, smart, law-abiding citizens who were overwhelmed with their situations and made poor choices.
Personally I would NEVER date someone who is "separated". That is just going by my own personal code of ethics. I would never do it. Even when I separated from my first wife, I did not date anyone until the divorce was final. I had women beating down my door and almost begging me to date them (or more), but since I was still "married", I refused to do anything. Its just my own personal code of ethics and conduct that drive me. If someone is married, they are married. Doesnt matter if they are separated, going through a divorce, on vacation, have a "hall pass", etc. Being married means they are off the market and not dateable.
Quote:
Originally Posted by BCBGirl
I'm not even sure what currently separated really entails (or in a legal context) with regards to marriage/divorce.. So, is he still married? Honestly, I know very little about how divorce works. Does divorce differ from state to state, we are in PA.
Forget about inquiring about the state law, you should just ask this guy these questions instead of internet folks. In my opinion, the very next words out of your mouth when he said he was "currently separated" should have been "So you are married?" OR "Call me when you are divorced then maybe we could get together."
Quote:
Originally Posted by BCBGirl
Can this backfire on me?.. I can see the ex coming after me with a knife or gun. I don't need that kind of drama. Additionally, I haven't asked him any details about the divorce, I told him he can always talk to me about it when he is ready.
This makes me think that no matter what anyone says here about what you should or should not do, you already have your mind made up about this guy. You are probably just looking for answers that you WANT to hear (probably along the lines of "Well you should date him and see what happens") instead of advice along the lines of what would be right to do. So, yeah, you could be risking having someone come after you with knife or gun but you are going to do it anyway. I mean really, are you having difficulty in finding guys that you are willing to overlook the negatives of this guy just so you can have someone?
I think you need to get more information...... such as...... has he filed for divorce, has he moved out, does he have children and if so is custody worked out, lastly yes I would want to make sure the ex isn't likely to get violent.
OP, lets say you and your husband are having a tough time, what would you think of some tramp that was try'n to make matters worse?
And your worried that it might backfire on you? Selfish, inconsiderate.
The other thing is to trust a POS that would look elsewhere when he is still married. You two just might be right for each other, you both have no respect for others.
Can this backfire on me?.. I can see the ex coming after me with a knife or gun. I don't need that kind of drama. Additionally, I haven't asked him any details about the divorce, I told him he can always talk to me about it when he is ready.
no, no, no.. Stop right there! You're leaving yourself open to become a door mat. Whatever your 'relationship' is at the moment, there's 2 of you in it, and your emotions are just as important as his.
He may not be ready to talk about it, but you are or you wouldn't be asking us. Ask him for details, ask if he's got kids, ask him if he wanted this separation or was it his wifes idea, and really listen to what he's saying, not what you want to hear.
Another problem with dating a "currently separated" person is that even if they really are in the process of getting a divorce, you are probably a rebound who's going to be given the boot once the divorce happens. Men really love to use you as a sexual band-aid during the divorce process, and if there was any infidelity on the wife's part even more so.
I had to learn this lesson the hard way, and I suspect the OP will have to learn this the hard way too.
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