Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
It's one thing if your spouse approves and quite another if they don't. I guess those who want to cheat need to find spouses who think being a cheater is a good quality I can't go there. I'm a child of divorce. I want to know my spouse will stand by me. I want to KNOW he will stand by me. While I think my husband would, there's always going to be that nagging doubt in the back of my mind now. There's always going to be a part of me I can't commit to this relationship because I can't let him hurt me again. Hurting me the first time was 100% his fault. If I LET him do it again, it's 100% my fault for being stupid enough to trust a cheater.
I've never understood blaming the OW for the affair. IMO, the OW is the one person in the picture who didn't take a vow she's breaking, unless she's married too but she's breaking her vows not my husband's. I've never been even remotely curious as to who she is. I figure if it weren't her, it would have been someone else. The problem isn't her. It's that my husband is not faithful. And THAT is a problem in my book. I'm sure it's because I'm a child of diovorce but trust is HUGE for me. If I can't trust him to keep his penis in his pants, when he swore before God he wouldn't, what can I trust him with? You have to wonder why he took the vow in the first place if it meant nothing. It would have been better for us to have gone our separate ways back then.
I'm aware that different cultures tolerate cheating more than others but it doesn't change how I feel about relationships. I'd rather find someone who wants to be in a, mutually, faithful relationship. I'm certain there are men out there who will be faithful and value having a wife who is faithful. It's not about a marriage being weak. It's about expectations surrouding the marriage. I meant it when I pledged fidelity. My problem is that my husband didn't when he pledged fidelity. THAT is a problem. If I'd married a man for whom fidelity was important and he had married a women for whom it isn't, we wouldn't be having this converation. It's not a weak marriage that cannot tolerate infidelity. It's a marriage built on trust that can't tolerate infidelity. I would shatter my husband's belief of who I am if I had an affair as he shattered mine of him.
I agree with staying out of situations you know you can't handle. It is up to each of us to know what we can and cannot handle and to make sound decisions based on that knowledge. I know that if I go into the bakery, I'm going to eat the chocolate cake so I don't go into the bakery. Food is my weekness. I eat when stressed. So I keep foods I can eat around the house (veggies and such) and stay away from the bakery, the italian restaurant, the donut shop, the ice cream parlor, etc, etc, etc... I also don't go around making vows about what I'll eat. I know I can't keep them. I gave up sugar for lent and it's a struggle. More than it should be but the exercise is good for me. It's good to pratice avoiding temptation but I have enough sense to do it in my own home with lots of things to distract me than in the local bakery.
I think this position is almost exclusively held by women.. I think the degree of actual 'need' for sex is different between men and women and also varies from individual t individual. I think many/most people think of having sex with only this, one, person when they marry, but it just does not work.
The fact that there is so much infidelity, and only SOME leading to divorce means we are doing something very wrong, in my book. The odds seem WAY against fidelity.
Look at it this way, most people on diets fail. I mean, they are getting nutrition on most diets. They have had the food they cheated with before. But they fail. The same thing happens with sex, if a person has that degree of sexual need - and not everyone does.
I, too, am a product of a failed marriage. No disrespect meant, but join the club - at least half of us are. In my case it was my mom who was cheating. Rather than call her disparaging names for doing something that at least half the population does, I choose to ask why and to see if a marriage can accommodate such behavior. I am told that Europeans are much more sophisticated about such matters.
As I said, you suppot that cheaters can be/are good people. And, as I've said, over and over and over....I don't think good people go around, deliberately, hurting their spouses to get what they want. Your definition of a good person and mine are two different things.
Our decisions and the actions based on those decisions tell the world what we really are deep down inside. IMO, a cheater is not nearly as good a spouse as a non cheater. The cheater has no hope of being a good spouse because they're a cheater. The non cheater may or may not be a good spouse. We'd have to look at their actions.
You don't know what I think or what I support. You are not in my head nor do you understand my posts, or anyone's message on this matter. Maybe that's why everyone no longer bothers responding to you and this will be my last response to you on this thread (or on any other threads).
I merged the three threads about infidelity together. Two were about the same topic (why people cheat), and the other (whether people would forgive a one-time instance of cheating) was not generating unique discussion. Now people don't have to post the same arguments in three places.
I merged the three threads about infidelity together. Two were about the same topic (why people cheat), and the other (whether people would forgive a one-time instance of cheating) was not generating unique discussion. Now people don't have to post the same arguments in three places.
Cindy, you know I love ya, but sometimes it really does take two to tango.
Not excusing cheating, but sometimes a spouse does play a contributing role.
The flaw in your logic is that the spouse who is cheated on had no part in the decision to cheat. This is like blaming the car because I was speeding. No one makes you cheat. You choose to cheat. Other people cannot drive us to decisions if we do not choose to go to.
It doesn't matter what my husband does or does not do. The decision to cheat or not cheat is mine and mine alone. He can't make me cheat and he can't make me not cheat. I decide whether or not to cheat.
You're big on the issue of vows. Did you vow to love and honor your husband? What's his side of the story? And did he give an "excuse" or "reason" for cheating? Also, if you're so adamant about this issue, why did you take him back? (I think that's your situation, is it not?) Did you forgive him, and if you are still married, are you still honoring your vows to love and honor him?
There is a difference between having sex everyday prior to marriage, then 2 or 3 times a week after marriage to 0 times a week. If I stopped having sex with my husband for a year or two, I would be mystified if he did not cheat.
What I find even more mystifying is that a woman would stop giving her husband sex entirely and that a man would stay with a woman who stopped giving him sex for that length of time. It really doesn't make sense and is why I rarely give credence to a man who says his wife never gives him sex. I just have a really hard time believing that.
The ONLY reason I could see a woman justifying not giving sex to her husband, and vice versa, is if there is absolute evidence of cheating in which case I would also not give my spouse sex for fear of an STD. But then, of course, I would also be starting divorce proceedings!
"Always" and "never," polar opposite words, tend to characterize the vocabulary of black and white thinkers. Black and white thinking means seeing the world only in terms of extremes. If things aren't "perfect," then they must be "horrible."
...
In real-life, situations are almost always shades of gray, not black or white. Falling victim to black and white thinking tends to exacerbate depression, marital conflict, anxiety, and a host of other everyday problems.
---------
This attitude is non-productive. It sets impossible standards. And it is harmful to both the person holding the attitude and to those they judge so inflexibly and without compassion.
Great comment! Also, this type of approach leads into great numbers of discord in politics, marriage, religion, friendships, etc. They seem to follow the latin saying "Falsum in uno fasum in toto". Basically if you are wrong in one area you are all wrong. People with this type of attitude do not like to see frailties in human nature and the abitlity to humas to get up and correct mistakes and improve in life. Take care.
It's one thing if your spouse approves and quite another if they don't. I guess those who want to cheat need to find spouses who think being a cheater is a good quality I can't go there. I'm a child of divorce. I want to know my spouse will stand by me. I want to KNOW he will stand by me. While I think my husband would, there's always going to be that nagging doubt in the back of my mind now. There's always going to be a part of me I can't commit to this relationship because I can't let him hurt me again. Hurting me the first time was 100% his fault. If I LET him do it again, it's 100% my fault for being stupid enough to trust a cheater.
I've never understood blaming the OW for the affair. IMO, the OW is the one person in the picture who didn't take a vow she's breaking, unless she's married too but she's breaking her vows not my husband's. I've never been even remotely curious as to who she is. I figure if it weren't her, it would have been someone else. The problem isn't her. It's that my husband is not faithful. And THAT is a problem in my book. I'm sure it's because I'm a child of diovorce but trust is HUGE for me. If I can't trust him to keep his penis in his pants, when he swore before God he wouldn't, what can I trust him with? You have to wonder why he took the vow in the first place if it meant nothing. It would have been better for us to have gone our separate ways back then.
I'm aware that different cultures tolerate cheating more than others but it doesn't change how I feel about relationships. I'd rather find someone who wants to be in a, mutually, faithful relationship. I'm certain there are men out there who will be faithful and value having a wife who is faithful. It's not about a marriage being weak. It's about expectations surrouding the marriage. I meant it when I pledged fidelity. My problem is that my husband didn't when he pledged fidelity. THAT is a problem. If I'd married a man for whom fidelity was important and he had married a women for whom it isn't, we wouldn't be having this converation. It's not a weak marriage that cannot tolerate infidelity. It's a marriage built on trust that can't tolerate infidelity. I would shatter my husband's belief of who I am if I had an affair as he shattered mine of him.
I agree with staying out of situations you know you can't handle. It is up to each of us to know what we can and cannot handle and to make sound decisions based on that knowledge. I know that if I go into the bakery, I'm going to eat the chocolate cake so I don't go into the bakery. Food is my weekness. I eat when stressed. So I keep foods I can eat around the house (veggies and such) and stay away from the bakery, the italian restaurant, the donut shop, the ice cream parlor, etc, etc, etc... I also don't go around making vows about what I'll eat. I know I can't keep them. I gave up sugar for lent and it's a struggle. More than it should be but the exercise is good for me. It's good to pratice avoiding temptation but I have enough sense to do it in my own home with lots of things to distract me than in the local bakery.
Thanks for the reply. My message was not trying to say that the other spouse is to blame. Not at all. The bottom line the cheater is the one that made the decision to cheat. With that in mind I do believe that factors come into play that may set situation and circumstance of someone cheating. In this case both individuals can contribute to whatever factors may exist.
The closest example I can come up with may be in any type of team whether is made up of two or ten. A team member can contribute to a success and failure of the team. The there is failure, then if both parties are honest both will sit down and look closely as to why there was failure. Can a boss be a factor on people cutting corners to complete a task? Of course. Can a spouse can contribute to a failure of the other spouse, I believe that can happen. That does not exonerate the cheater for make the choice as I said. The important thing I like to stress is the need for both to work in nurturing their marriage and avoiding situation that could lead to infidelity.
The examples I cited about spouses allowing sex outside marriage were to show there is so much variety in people regarding marriage from allowing it to turning the other way, others are able to forgive while others are not, and on and on, take care.
This is a black and white issue. You're either a cheater or you're not. There is no shade of gray. Either you can be trusted when you pledge fidelity or you can't. Some issues just are at the extremes.
I suppose one could argue that there is a gray area with poeple who don't care who their spouse sleeps with but it's not a problem if your spouse expects and condones your affair. Personally, that leaves a bad taste in my mouth but to each his own here. The problem only exists when cheaters take vows with non cheaters. Then someone gets hurt. I really don't get why someone can mean enough to you to marry them but doesn't mean enough to you to not hurt them in this way. Or maybe that's what the cheater wants. To hurt them. Maybe that's part of the thrill. I don't know. I'm not a cheater and I'm not going to become one to find out.
I the follwing.
Can a good person make mistakes? Can a bad person make mistakes?
Mistakes can be in judgement, due to weaknesses, etc.
If a mistake is made and the person ammend his/her ways is that person still bad in your eyes. Will that person always be a cheater?, Take care.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
