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Originally Posted by confusedandlost;18272677[/quote
He even told me he loved me and he loves hearing my voice and misses me, etc etc. However, he also told me he wants to take things slow and “he doesn’t want a relationship right now”. Now, he told my friend this back in December before I was ever in the picture so I know it is something he said before I even came in.
He loves you or he's "in" love with you?
He's acting like he's in a relationship, but doesn't "want a relationship right now"?
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Me and him got into our first fight a week ago. He called me while I was drunk and I said something stupid. (Lesson here is NEVER talk to people you are emotionally attached to when you’re drunk, LOL) Anyways, we argued about it the next day and several times he said “our relationship”. What the hell?? This is after his “He doesn’t want a relationship”. He told me that night to not contact him and he needed space from me now because he didn’t ask me to come into his life and cause him to question himself. I said “Excuse me, but YOU came after me and then told me you’re not ready for a relationship.” And we just fought. Anyways, after telling me to not contact him, he didn’t even last a day. The next morning, he told me he liked me too much and nothing would change that and that he was sorry. We have been doing a lot better and planning a date for later this week.
What I would do, is have a serious conversation with him. This sounds like how the end of a relationship goes, not the beginning of one.
Before you invest any more time, energy, emotion, etc., the two of you need to figure it out. You need to tell him what you want, and if he's not ready for it (dating and seeing where it goes), tell him very politely, that you are at a different stage in your life and you are open to being in a relationship. Until he figures out what he wants, and isn't going to change his mind every other week, don't call you. When he figures out what he wants, he can give you a call to see if you are either still available or still interested.
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Problem is I know I am getting attached to this guy. I have never ever dated or liked a man of my culture and I already have so many dreams and hopes attached to him. I know it has only been a month but I can’t help it. I have always been worried about shaming my family by bringing home a non Indian man. He is the first Indian guy I found attractive and I get along with. His beliefs align mine (against cultural norms, non religious, Democrat, liberal) and yet we differ enough to keep interest.
There will be others. Don't hang on just because of this. I have a lot of girlfriends who are Jewish, and never dated a Jewish guy (for various reasons - none negative) and all married within their faith.
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He told me he wanted me to know that I am not just a kissing buddy but that his feelings are truly genuine.
His feelings that he doesn't want to be in a relationship?
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I ignored him and he began to panic. Said he nearly had a panic attack thinking I was really gone. My friend verifies all these things since she has known him for years.
Why does he flip flop so easily?
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The reason why he is says he is weary of relationships is because girls in the past hurt him. He dated 2 women and both relationships weren’t good. His last one was 2 years on and off. His first one was about 2 months. I told him everyone has exes that hurt him and that he shouldn’t write me off because of them.
Tell him you aren't #1 or #2, you are you. There is NO guarantee any relationship will last, but he probably won't figure that out until he wakes up one day and you're married (to someone else).
And that's sort of a line men have been using for ages, "I can't commit right now b/c my ex really hurt me, but I'm sure I could find in myself to fool around with you".
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I know it has only been a month and a half but I want your opinion. What do I do? I asked a couple of my friends and they say to give him until May and if he is still dancing to the same tune, move on. What can I do to make him want to commit? Anyone been in a situation similar to this? Everything seems to be so fine between me and him and he says he loves me and we kiss and everything. He says he is scared of losing me and panics. He did slip up and say “our relationship” when he fought. And as much as I want to be with him, I have to watch out for myself too. I don’t know or whats going on.
You really can't make anyone commit. And it doesn't need to happen over night - you can date for 6 months and just "date". Doesn't mean you have to just date him, and if you're not in a committed relationship with him, what you do is none of his business and vice versa.
You need to take control of your situation. Lay it out there, tell him what you want and if he's not up for it, tell him to let you know when he is. Until then, leave you alone.
move the freak on. have some self-respect and find your own sense of happiness. you dont want to be in a co-dependent relationship................ if this eventually does turn into a relationship, both of you sound too needy.
I just dont understand why people do this. A new person is a new relationship. If people hurt you in the past, why punish the new potential person?
Yeah I am trying to relax. I don't know what to do though. How long to wait? If or when he will ever ask me to be his girl.
He's probably not thinking about it like "punishing" the new potential person. The trouble is, some people are dating because they want to find a girlfriend/boyfriend. They are ready to date and want a partner. Other people date just to have fun. They don't want anything serious. Other people wanted something serious once, got hurt, and then started dating again before they were ready. Really, they shouldn't date until they know what they want, but they do and sometimes it hurts the person they're dating. You can't make someone ready when they aren't, no matter how hard you try.
But again, there's no way to know if that's just a story or not. This guy may know what he wants, and he may not want anything serious, maybe just with you, or maybe with any girl.
That's why it's so important that you not do anything you aren't okay with, and that you keep your eyes focused on what you are looking for. If you're looking for a boyfriend, then you don't wait around hoping he'll "ask you to be his girl." After you've dated for a reasonable amount of time (a month is plenty), you bring up the subject yourself. You let him know what you're looking for, keeping in mind that you have as much power in the matter as him. If he's not treating you right, or not offering what you want (a relationship), you need to be willing to say, "I'm sorry, this isn't what I'm looking for. I really like you, but I'm looking for a guy who wants something serious. If something changes one day, you have my number." If he thinks you don't value yourself, why should he value you?
This guy sounds like he doesn't even know what HE wants...or if he wants a relationship. A proven time waster. And what smart woman has a lot of time to waste on a commitmentphobe? Run.
move the freak on. have some self-respect and find your own sense of happiness. you dont want to be in a co-dependent relationship................ if this eventually does turn into a relationship, both of you sound too needy.
They're young.
I don't know how many relationships the OP has had, but he has only had 2. One for 2 months (I wouldn't call that a relationship) and one that was on and off for 2 years (obviously not a stable relationship)....and he sounds pretty gun shy.
OP might want to talk to that mutual friend of theirs and find out why his past relationships ended up the way they did.
He's probably not thinking about it like "punishing" the new potential person. The trouble is, some people are dating because they want to find a girlfriend/boyfriend. They are ready to date and want a partner. Other people date just to have fun. They don't want anything serious. Other people wanted something serious once, got hurt, and then started dating again before they were ready. Really, they shouldn't date until they know what they want, but they do and sometimes it hurts the person they're dating. You can't make someone ready when they aren't, no matter how hard you try.
But again, there's no way to know if that's just a story or not. This guy may know what he wants, and he may not want anything serious, maybe just with you, or maybe with any girl.
That's why it's so important that you not do anything you aren't okay with, and that you keep your eyes focused on what you are looking for. If you're looking for a boyfriend, then you don't wait around hoping he'll "ask you to be his girl." After you've dated for a reasonable amount of time (a month is plenty), you bring up the subject yourself. You let him know what you're looking for, keeping in mind that you have as much power in the matter as him. If he's not treating you right, or not offering what you want (a relationship), you need to be willing to say, "I'm sorry, this isn't what I'm looking for. I really like you, but I'm looking for a guy who wants something serious. If something changes one day, you have my number." If he thinks you don't value yourself, why should he value you?
Think with your head not your heart. Don't mistake his possessiveness as love.
There's no reason for you to get caught up in his confusion. He does not get priority in your life, you save that for a man who loves & is committed to you.
And, most importantly, do not sleep with him. I know you said you didn't have sex but you're tempting fate and it will happen eventually. Only children take naps together. Not to mention it implies an intimacy that he gets to enjoy without any commitment.
Find out the true story between your friend and this guy. Something smells fishy about that.
If he said he's not ready for a relationship, then you're not in a relationship.
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