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I didn't see too many posts on this topic so I thought I'd share my experience for the benefit and comments from others.
Geez how I loved this girl. Our relationship started off at 1000 mph. We were so into each other, seeing each other 5-6 times a week. In 2 weeks we were exclusive, in 1 month came the "I Love You's", and shortly after that she slowly migrated into my place.
Before we met, I was already planning on moving out of state but when she came along I postponed those plans to see where things would go. I didn't mind the pace because I wanted to know sooner rather than later if things were going to work out. Everything was great for a few months but then I started noticing things that began frustrating me.
I've always felt that in a healthy relationship, each partner does things to show the other that they care. For me it was doing little favors, many that she didn't even ask for but I thought she would appreciate. I practice what I preach and made a point of always doing things for her like making her coffee in the morning (I don't drink coffee), fixing her lunch, taking care of her animals, pretty much making sure she had everything she needed and much of what she wanted. I even opened up a separate account so that I could transfer money to her in case she needed it.
I have always been the messy person in relationships, but not in this one. She would say she was going to do the dishes or laundry and I would notice days later boulder sized piles of clothes and dishes overflowing from the sink. I just did the chores without complaining because I didn't expect her to be my maid.
After a while things started to get frustrating because I felt that she was not close to matching the level of effort I was putting into the relationship and many times I didn't even feel that she was even trying. I felt unappreciated and like she didn't care about me or making me happy, meanwhile I was doing everything I could to keep the honeymoon alive.
Then, I remembered something she mentioned early on in the relationship - She had ADD. I had never known anyone with ADD much less had a relationship with someone with ADD. I did some research and found that a lot of the concerns I had were classic ADD relationship issues.
Now that I understood that, I approached things differently. I became vocal with my feelings, letting her know what I needed and what I expected from a loving relationship. Communication, right? She perceived that I was attacking her/picking on her/calling her stupid.
Eventually, it wore her down. I wasn't mad at her, I was frustrated with the ADD. She never blamed the ADD and instead began resenting me. She said I was insecure. Sure, I was insecure, because I was doing so much for her and getting little to nothing back in return. One day we got on the computer and she built the $15,000 engagement ring that she wanted. I sat back and after much thought asked her "What do you do to deserve a ring like that me?" At this point I am thinking that she is using me as her meal ticket.
And then it got scary. She picked up a gambling addiction. At first she said that it relaxed her, and then she said it was because she had no more friends/hobbies (because of me), and then she said I drove her to it. I have to admit, that I did enable this behavior by accompanying her and giving her money, even against my better judgement, because I could see it made her happy. Up until now, this was a woman I could still see myself marrying but now I was afraid I would come home to her one day crying about how 'She lost everything'.
Next came the nights of her staying out late only to find out she was gambling at the casino. One time I had to get out of bed to drag her out of the casino and she cried to me about losing $600 and now she needed money to pay bills. I gave her the money thinking she had learned her lesson. I made her lower her ATM withdrawal limit, but this behavior continued and it actually got to the point where she gambled away the bank deposit for her work. I covered that too.
There were other things that went wrong but this is enough. We recently broke up, but I am afraid I still love her and she is just done with me. We never really had good times and bad times, rather we had 'great' times and 'awful' times. I always held on to the 'great' times hoping to figure out a way to bring them back. We were both exhausted from the fighting. I feel bad because she never did anything really wrong (like cheat) but I would get frustrated and argue about the same things over and over.
Did I fail because I couldn't deal with her ADD? Was I wrong to stand up for what I felt I needed/deserved in a relationship? Are my expectations unreasonable?
I didn't see too many posts on this topic so I thought I'd share my experience for the benefit and comments from others.
Geez how I loved this girl. Our relationship started off at 1000 mph. We were so into each other, seeing each other 5-6 times a week. In 2 weeks we were exclusive, in 1 month came the "I Love You's", and shortly after that she slowly migrated into my place.
Before we met, I was already planning on moving out of state but when she came along I postponed those plans to see where things would go. I didn't mind the pace because I wanted to know sooner rather than later if things were going to work out. Everything was great for a few months but then I started noticing things that began frustrating me.
I've always felt that in a healthy relationship, each partner does things to show the other that they care. For me it was doing little favors, many that she didn't even ask for but I thought she would appreciate. I practice what I preach and made a point of always doing things for her like making her coffee in the morning (I don't drink coffee), fixing her lunch, taking care of her animals, pretty much making sure she had everything she needed and much of what she wanted. I even opened up a separate account so that I could transfer money to her in case she needed it.
I have always been the messy person in relationships, but not in this one. She would say she was going to do the dishes or laundry and I would notice days later boulder sized piles of clothes and dishes overflowing from the sink. I just did the chores without complaining because I didn't expect her to be my maid.
After a while things started to get frustrating because I felt that she was not close to matching the level of effort I was putting into the relationship and many times I didn't even feel that she was even trying. I felt unappreciated and like she didn't care about me or making me happy, meanwhile I was doing everything I could to keep the honeymoon alive.
Then, I remembered something she mentioned early on in the relationship - She had ADD. I had never known anyone with ADD much less had a relationship with someone with ADD. I did some research and found that a lot of the concerns I had were classic ADD relationship issues.
Now that I understood that, I approached things differently. I became vocal with my feelings, letting her know what I needed and what I expected from a loving relationship. Communication, right? She perceived that I was attacking her/picking on her/calling her stupid.
Eventually, it wore her down. I wasn't mad at her, I was frustrated with the ADD. She never blamed the ADD and instead began resenting me. She said I was insecure. Sure, I was insecure, because I was doing so much for her and getting little to nothing back in return. One day we got on the computer and she built the $15,000 engagement ring that she wanted. I sat back and after much thought asked her "What do you do to deserve a ring like that me?" At this point I am thinking that she is using me as her meal ticket.
And then it got scary. She picked up a gambling addiction. At first she said that it relaxed her, and then she said it was because she had no more friends/hobbies (because of me), and then she said I drove her to it. I have to admit, that I did enable this behavior by accompanying her and giving her money, even against my better judgement, because I could see it made her happy. Up until now, this was a woman I could still see myself marrying but now I was afraid I would come home to her one day crying about how 'She lost everything'.
Next came the nights of her staying out late only to find out she was gambling at the casino. One time I had to get out of bed to drag her out of the casino and she cried to me about losing $600 and now she needed money to pay bills. I gave her the money thinking she had learned her lesson. I made her lower her ATM withdrawal limit, but this behavior continued and it actually got to the point where she gambled away the bank deposit for her work. I covered that too.
There were other things that went wrong but this is enough. We recently broke up, but I am afraid I still love her and she is just done with me. We never really had good times and bad times, rather we had 'great' times and 'awful' times. I always held on to the 'great' times hoping to figure out a way to bring them back. We were both exhausted from the fighting. I feel bad because she never did anything really wrong (like cheat) but I would get frustrated and argue about the same things over and over.
Did I fail because I couldn't deal with her ADD? Was I wrong to stand up for what I felt I needed/deserved in a relationship? Are my expectations unreasonable?
You got involved with someone who has an addiction problem. Really no different than an alcohol or drug abuse addiction. Interestingly, it is common for those with addiction problems to get into a serious relationship very quickly and to have extreme highs and lows with very little in between. This is similar to the highs and lows the alcoholic, drug addict or gambling addict experiences with their addiction.
You did not fail. Recognize that your girlfriend has a serious illness which only she can fix. You CAN NOT fix her. Move on and do not look back.
Your expectations were completely reasonable. A relationship is supposed to be reciprocal. The relationship you were in was anything but that. So of course you were frustrated.
You were very mature to realize that your needs were not being met, and move on. All too often people see the signs that a relationship is not working out, but because of the intoxication of new love, they go ahead and get married anyway, thinking that things will improve. Well, they never do. Problems usually only get worse.
Good for you for making the right choice.
Last edited by Pivot Point; 03-22-2011 at 08:48 PM..
You made the right choice and really dodged a bullet. Most people that have ADD or other mental health issues have addiction problems too. Go forward and know you did all you could for her and the relationship and find someone that will appreciate you.
I have ADD myself and I feel that you behaved in a perfectly appropriate manner. ADD means she has challenges, not an excuse to do whatever the heck she feels like doing. There are meds for that, and you never mentioned whether she has taken them or not, but it does help. It doesn't do the whole job--there will still be things, but it would make her life easier and that of anyone else she has to deal with.
BTW, while ADD makes it likelier that a person will have addiction problems, it is by no means a given--the only addiction I struggle with is sugar and I'm starting to win the battle. I've never been remotely tempted to gamble b/c I hate, hate, hate to lose hard earned money. I'm only telling you all this so you won't steer clear of those with ADD thinking they'll turn into addicts--it is a manageable condition, but a person has to put in the effort.
The title to this caught my eye because I have been stricken with ADD my whole life and never outgrew it. And we definitely pose challenges to our mates.
However, just the fact that your girlfriend is messy and has an addictive personality doesn't necessarily mean she's ADD. Was she actually diagnosed with it in adulthood? If so then she should be under the care of a doctor, and I agree with Stepka that she should take meds for it. Those who don't have ADD have no idea what it's like ~ it is NOT like a "typical child" with shortened attention spans! But, anyway. . .
Addiction to things like drugs and gambling are not one of my issues (quite the opposite, in fact). I can get temporarily addicted to something new for awhile then lose interest (in fact, I'm finally losing interest in City-Data) ~ that's how easily I get bored. But I can see gambling addiction as a problem for others with ADD for the self-medication.
I'm sure that my condition frustrates my husband in ways other than the situation in your relationship. The man is a saint, I swear.
Your lady needs professional help and she needs to stickto it. Good luck.
She was diagnosed as an adult and does have medication but I did not always keep track of when she was taking it. I seem to remember her mentioning that here worst nights gambling were probably because she took her meds which gave her something like tunnel vision. She would lose track of time and just keep pumping money in the machines.
I wanted to be a saint for her, but I just couldn't continue giving emotionally as much as I was without knowing if she was going to ever give back. Not to mention that now that I was able to put a dollar amount to how much I was continuing to give.
The fights were terrible. We both said mean and hurtful things but she actually had me convinced that I was the one with severe issues. I ended up seeing a therapist who after one session told me my problem - I had needs that she was not fulfilling and it was not fair for me to expect her to change to fulfill those needs. We were quite simply not compatible.
I have ADD myself and I feel that you behaved in a perfectly appropriate manner. ADD means she has challenges, not an excuse to do whatever the heck she feels like doing...
BTW, while ADD makes it likelier that a person will have addiction problems, it is by no means a given--the only addiction I struggle with is sugar and I'm starting to win the battle. ... I'm only telling you all this so you won't steer clear of those with ADD thinking they'll turn into addicts--it is a manageable condition, but a person has to put in the effort.
Good post. I have it as well. Incidentally, there ARE up sides to it: adult ADDers are fantastic multi-taskers IF they can figure out a self organization method. I wasn't aware of the addiction factor. Now what could mine be . . . CD perhaps?
I don't think this has anything to do with ADD. This has everything to do with an addict. Addicts love to put play the blame game. The most important thing to remember about an addict: They're liars.
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