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Im saying what should you do when he throws things?
Mary, I think you should ask your counselor or therapist that question. That person knows you in real life and would be able to give a better answer than any of us can do, here on this thread.
So many people in thie thread fail to see that i said 2 yrs ago het hit me he has been in therpy he has not hit me Since ,nor cheated yet people in here are ignoring that.Im saying what should you do when he throws things?
I'm thinking he has PTSD. Many of our service men and women have emotional scars from being in a war zone.
As a Case Manager for a domestic Violence Agency for the county sounds typical..
Sounds as if he is trying to control himself by not hitting you yetis still using POWER AND CONTROL TACTICS..meaning..."YOU KNOW WHAT I am capable of"
Just because he has not hit you since the LAST time he is still an abuser..
He has cheated, hit you and now throwing things..means he still controls your behavior and knows just what to do to get you off his back and focuson immediate behavior rather than the cheating.
NOBODY can tell you when is enough..this isyour decision..only you know when is when..he is no good for you..I can tell this now...but the ultimate decision is yours..there is help..
So many people in thie thread fail to see that i said 2 yrs ago het hit me he has been in therpy he has not hit me Since ,nor cheated yet people in here are ignoring that.Im saying what should you do when he throws things?
I did listen Mary, but I stand by my advice.
Not every family needs to be a nuclear family and I understand you love him and don't want to leave him. I didn't say you should.
Find a new routine that involves the two of you living separately. You can still be a family, just not one where you are forced to be in each other's company. If you want him to stay the night, ask him to stay the night, but he still has to go back to his own place and deal with the issues that you can't.
Yeah, that was cute and all, but most people are living in the real world. I am sure she doesn't have time to worship this little bully every single day. As if any of us need worshipping. That sounds swell and all, but let me ask you this. What does he do with that inflated ego on a day that she just doesn't feel like swelling it up? This would get old for anybody. I can picture him saying, "aren't I the best lover you ever had?" She's tired and not quite in the mood (also rolling her eyes to this question), her reply becomes snarky or sarcastic. Bego, we'll call him that (short for big ego) just explodes on her like a little kid having a tantrum,-because now he is conditoned that his ego must be stroked at all times. When truthfully he's an awful lover and she's tired of strokin his you know what, besides she has a headache and she just got a parking ticket. See how life can unhinge a person.
You see how that plays out, because that's most likely the road she's traveling down. You probably aren't hearing about the negative side to this because the women are at home tending to their wounds or the couples are too ashamed that this failed too.
I don't know much about religions outside of my own, but I promise you I am not joining your congregation any time soon.
Actually, I don't have a 'Congregation'. And I've never been Baptist. But I learned a lot from them, and so did my kids. We started climbing the White People's Religion Ladder at Methodist, and got off the ladder when we'd reached the Top Floor (Reform Judaism...we both had some Jewish ancestry, and so it's not like we were invaders, gate-crashing where we didn't belong). Our kids are still observant, and are happy in that identity.
The point, in any event, is for this young woman to focus on what is possible, what is constructive, what is positive and validating.... Baptists started out as an oppressed (virtually enslaved), mostly Irish, underclass group. And they are only now working out of a whole set of underclass negative behaviors, which are very much like what I'm reading about here. But they have made astonishing strides, and, today, are generally very nice, very prosperous people.
Working one's way out of a bad place/impossible situation, using little more than a transcendent cluster of philosophies (and the power gained from group affiliation) is the typical story behind most affluent Baptist families. I watched, listened, and learned...and applied their success strategies (while ignoring all their Dogma...which they, themselves, mostly ignore).
But here's the choice: Optimize the relationship, or abandon the relationship.
If the guy cannot be worked with...cannot receive (and ultimately, mirror) the love and affirmation; if he refuses to focus on working toward goals and building up his partner, then yes: it's time to say "Ta taaaaaa.....forever....".
Otherwise, it's dumb to be anything to your partner in life than that person's greatest fan and most reliable resource. You get what you give. If you spend your time tearing down a person, then you're left with a wreck. If you spend your time building up that person, then you may (as has been my experience with DH) end up with someone more magnificent than you'd ever dared dream.
But I'd love more information than we've been given. I want to know his IQ, her IQ, their goals in life (or lack thereof), whether there are children involved, whether she is working, whether he is working....
Is this a typical lower-middle-class Military home, or something else?
I used to volunteer at a women's shelter, but it got too mentally and emotionally exhausting. So after a few years, I had to leave. Despite having small children, and putting not only themselves in danger, but also their children, they would go back. It was tough to see, but you can't stop it- it's their "right".
I think they go back for a number of reasons ... No means of support, no where to go, people who don't support them (emotionally, mentally, etc) and huge lack of esteem. They feel worthless, hopeless, depressed, a vicious toxic cycle. After a while, some battered wives go far as to provoke it simply to get it over with since they know it's coming ... It's heartbreaking.
What is wrong with a man that he can't control himself and feels the need to beat a woman and the kids till they are down and begging for their life ??? Sickening to me.
I think the worse part is people will say, "Why did you stay, you must have liked it". Who the F would like that ?? The real question is, "What is wrong with him that he needs to lift his hands to someone weaker, does he hate women, or was he abused himself as a child".
It is part of the * trap *. The man picks a woman with low self esteem then strips her of all her family, car, job, posessions and keeps her almost as a slave.
So because they are trapped, they can't fathom functioning when everyone says " GET OUT " !! ...
They think " get out where ? " He has promised to kill her if she leaves him. So they have the hostage mentality which is what this is.... Kind of a Psuedo Terrorist Tactic blended with the Hostage Mentality.
Many emotionally healthy people cannot understand someone that allows themselves to be in this living HELL.
But the BEST thing to do for the hostage/ victim is try to get them removed by physically coming over, when the loser-beater is not home, load them up and the kids and TAKE OFF !
Take them to a battered shelter and they will receive counseling, legal assitance, restraining order assistance, job assistance, housing assistance, medical assistance.
What this DOES is MOLD them into what they could BE. What they could DO. That they have outside sources. They can stop being a victim.
The WORST thing an abused victim can do is keep SILENT.
I agree that you should find someone to counsel you separately from your husband. I'd be very suspicious of a counselor who says that since it's been two years since he hit you and just a year since he cheated on you that he's making slow progress and thus insinuating that you should stick it out. I'd suggest you separate for a while because the next thing he throws just might be a heavy object aimed AT you. Hope you get the help you need.
So many people in thie thread fail to see that i said 2 yrs ago het hit me he has been in therpy he has not hit me Since ,nor cheated yet people in here are ignoring that.Im saying what should you do when he throws things?
Mary, he hasn't hit you in two years YET.
He clearly still has anger issues if he's being distructive with inanimate objects.
You cannot honestly trust that in a fit of rage he won't strike out at you again.
He has not earned that trust yet, and if you give it to him before he's earned it you are a fool.
His treatment of you (the abuse, the cheating ect) does not just go away because some time has passed. A LOT more time has to pass with him PROVING to you he has changed through ALL of his actions.
Throwing things when he gets angry only proves he is still volatile and untrustworthy.
PLEASE call a battered womens shelter for some advice and counseling on dealing with a man like this.
LEAVE. That's what you should do when he throws things. Leave and don't go back.
I don't care why he does this, or that he has modified some of his worst behavior. Who cares? If he's still throwing things and blowing up around you, that's enough of a reason for you to dump him.
His tantrums create an atmosphere of extreme tension and stress, so it's no wonder that you're having trouble thinking clearly, but please look at what you've written and leave this situation. He has deeper problems than you are able to help him with.
Quote:
Originally Posted by mary1986
So many people in thie thread fail to see that i said 2 yrs ago het hit me he has been in therpy he has not hit me Since ,nor cheated yet people in here are ignoring that.Im saying what should you do when he throws things?
Anyone who starts throwing things has lost control of their behavior and are on the verge of doing something worse. Your husband sounds like a guy with some serious problems and you're the one who's suffering because of it. I wouldn't expect his behavior to change, it just never seems to work out that way and in the end it generally escalates. I honestly couldn't live in those circumstances and I don't think anyone else should have to either.
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