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Earlier today, before we had to do our homework for class, she sent me this text: 'I am going to be late. I'll buy you coffee to make it up to you. Had a work call to deal with for the clinic. What coffee do you want?" I said: "no problem. how late? You really dont have to buy me coffee, don't worry about it." She replied: "I know you hate waiting so I'll buy you coffee." I replied: "No, it's okay, you don't have to. We're still friends, so don't worry about it." She replies with: " 1230, but still buying you coffee regardless"
Also, while we were doing our homework today, just out of the blue, she tells me two things.
First, she shows me a text. It was sent to a guy that used to be her best friend at college. For some reason, he randomly stopped talking to her and now completely ignores her. There was some miscommunication, where he thought that she was in love with him or something along those lines (even though it wasn't true). She said that if he doesn't get back to her, she'll just delete his number and move on from it. So, it's obviously something personal her. I don't know WHY she showed me this, especially when during the conversation she said we should keep it to school related and non-personal things.
Second, she randomly clarified what she meant by "you can control who you fall for", from yesterday's conversation. She said that what she really meant was that you can control what actions you take, so you don't fall for them more.
In all honesty, I don't think it means what you hope it means. I think that if she liked you, she'd be showing it, or she'd flat out tell you. She might be acting a little awkward, but nothing in her actions is suggesting to me that she has romantic feelings for you. Maybe she was just trying to throw you a bone with the coffee. Maybe she's trying to salvage the friendship with the talking.
If it was me, I would continue to be casually friendly, but I would also work to develop my life outside of her. If many of your classes and a club are together, I would focus on developing friendships and a social circle outside of her.
You say you have had feelings for her since the beginning of 2011 as if that was a significantly long period--that is only 5 months. A drop in the bucket of time. You will be over her in less than a month if you can truly let go.
In all honesty, I don't think it means what you hope it means. I think that if she liked you, she'd be showing it, or she'd flat out tell you. She might be acting a little awkward, but nothing in her actions is suggesting to me that she has romantic feelings for you. Maybe she was just trying to throw you a bone with the coffee. Maybe she's trying to salvage the friendship with the talking.
If it was me, I would continue to be casually friendly, but I would also work to develop my life outside of her. If many of your classes and a club are together, I would focus on developing friendships and a social circle outside of her.
Well, to be fair, I don't think I was construing it as her having romantic feelings for me. I was just taken aback by the sharing of something very personal for her when the day previous she explicitly said to keep it to just school and non-personal things. It made me very confused. My initial reaction was that she was trying to send a message to me.
I will continue with the no initiation of contact online/via text, unless necessary... and stay friendly but 'professional' when I have to see her for class or the club.
Quote:
Originally Posted by zentropa
You say you have had feelings for her since the beginning of 2011 as if that was a significantly long period--that is only 5 months. A drop in the bucket of time. You will be over her in less than a month if you can truly let go.
Well the feelings began in Oct 2010, but they started to 'explode', if you will, in the beginning of 2011. But, an extra 2-3 months probably doesn't change a whole lot. I hope you're right. Unfortunately, I will have to interact with her for the next few weeks (because of school/club), so I don't think I'll really start to be able to get over my feelings until I don't have to see her more-or-less everyday.
It will happen eventually, but nevertheless, it's still really tough for me. Especially since my feelings for her are so strong. I hate seeing her chatting with other people (and presumably getting closer), while I have to sit back. Admittedly, I do go throughout the day hoping that she will randomly text me something... or start chatting with me online.
Don't hope for anything, just enjoy the friendship. Learn to be your own best friend by resolving personal issues yourself. It sounds like you are too dependent on her and she tried to help you but you are confusing that into thinking there is something more. Understand that she is setting her boundaries with you so respect them. Distract yourself with making other friends & pursuing women. You might think no one is interested but you probably haven't taken enough time to look around since you were so focused on this girl. Wean off these feelings for this girl because it's holding you back from what could be right in front of your face.
Well, to be fair, I don't think I was construing it as her having romantic feelings for me. I was just taken aback by the sharing of something very personal for her when the day previous she explicitly said to keep it to just school and non-personal things. It made me very confused. My initial reaction was that she was trying to send a message to me.
I will continue with the no initiation of contact online/via text, unless necessary... and stay friendly but 'professional' when I have to see her for class or the club.
Well the feelings began in Oct 2010, but they started to 'explode', if you will, in the beginning of 2011. But, an extra 2-3 months probably doesn't change a whole lot. I hope you're right. Unfortunately, I will have to interact with her for the next few weeks (because of school/club), so I don't think I'll really start to be able to get over my feelings until I don't have to see her more-or-less everyday.
It will happen eventually, but nevertheless, it's still really tough for me. Especially since my feelings for her are so strong. I hate seeing her chatting with other people (and presumably getting closer), while I have to sit back. Admittedly, I do go throughout the day hoping that she will randomly text me something... or start chatting with me online.
Ah. With all kindness intended, I guess I don't see what she told you as particularly personal. She probably felt awkward being around you after the conversation you had, and maybe when the text came up, it seemed like a safe topic to discuss. I don't know. I guess if it was me, I wouldn't interpret it as any sort of message that she was trying to send. I would still keep my distance, and would still keep things strictly casual from your end.
I would also consider whether you're spending too much time online/texting. I can remember being in your shoes, desperate to hear anything, and you can really waste a lot of life hung up on that person. Instead of waiting around hoping she might chat you online, why not step away from the computer? Get out there at your college and make some new friends. Join a new club she isn't a part of. Start developing parts of your life that don't have anything to do with her.
I know how hard it is to sit back and keep your distance, but I think it's the right thing to do. It stinks when someone doesn't return our feelings, but she was pretty clear in saying it was bothering her and she wanted you to give her space. If you meant it when you said you wanted a friendship (with no possibility of more) one day, then you have to back off and give some time for the weirdness to fade. As a side note, if you decided you couldn't handle a friendship, or that a friendship with no possibility of more was affecting your future with other girls in a negative way, it would be fine to simply walk away from her. Sure, some people can be friends in situations like this, but that doesn't have to be the case. Sometimes they just walk away too.
this story is sad to read actually. Enzio, if you have any inkling of respect for yourself, please do not continue down this path. This girl will NEVER EVER have romantic feelings for you. No girl wants to feel that the guy they are interested in is ultra dependant (needy). She knows how you feel about her obviously, and has told you in a non-subtle way that she is not interested. Also she has a boyfriend already so you should respect that, how he treats her is not your concern (other than him hitting her in front of your face for example). The fact that the boyfriend hasn't spoken to you about having feelings for his girlfriend, speaks volumes, he obviously knows you are not a threat. If I were in your situation, I would break off contact for a while, the relationship doesnt sound healthy at this point, you need to regroup. If you are so in love with this girl (but can never have her) the only way you can be friends with her is when you are READY to be friends with her. Right now you are hoping for more, but trust me, it's not going to happen, too many bad things have happened here, too much of yourself (not good sides of yourself) have been revealed. Work on yourself, first. When you are more comfortable with you, you can try dating (someone else) by then the friendship you have with this girl, may not even matter all that much.
Ah. With all kindness intended, I guess I don't see what she told you as particularly personal. She probably felt awkward being around you after the conversation you had, and maybe when the text came up, it seemed like a safe topic to discuss. I don't know. I guess if it was me, I wouldn't interpret it as any sort of message that she was trying to send. I would still keep my distance, and would still keep things strictly casual from your end.
I would also consider whether you're spending too much time online/texting. I can remember being in your shoes, desperate to hear anything, and you can really waste a lot of life hung up on that person. Instead of waiting around hoping she might chat you online, why not step away from the computer? Get out there at your college and make some new friends. Join a new club she isn't a part of. Start developing parts of your life that don't have anything to do with her.
I know how hard it is to sit back and keep your distance, but I think it's the right thing to do. It stinks when someone doesn't return our feelings, but she was pretty clear in saying it was bothering her and she wanted you to give her space. If you meant it when you said you wanted a friendship (with no possibility of more) one day, then you have to back off and give some time for the weirdness to fade. As a side note, if you decided you couldn't handle a friendship, or that a friendship with no possibility of more was affecting your future with other girls in a negative way, it would be fine to simply walk away from her. Sure, some people can be friends in situations like this, but that doesn't have to be the case. Sometimes they just walk away too.
Well, to clarify, that was something she had sent him Saturday afternoon, so it wasn't something that had just come up.
I will still keep my distance, of course. I've had a tough time making new good friends. I don't think it's lack of opportunity. But I have this close group of around 10 friends and have no real desire to expand it. I really don't know why.
I will keep the last bit in mind. Perhaps it's because I'm blinded by liking her so much, but once these feelings fade away... I would like to become friends again because I was able to share a lot with her and we did get along well (for the most part).
Quote:
Originally Posted by darrensmooth
this story is sad to read actually. Enzio, if you have any inkling of respect for yourself, please do not continue down this path. This girl will NEVER EVER have romantic feelings for you. No girl wants to feel that the guy they are interested in is ultra dependant (needy). She knows how you feel about her obviously, and has told you in a non-subtle way that she is not interested. Also she has a boyfriend already so you should respect that, how he treats her is not your concern (other than him hitting her in front of your face for example). The fact that the boyfriend hasn't spoken to you about having feelings for his girlfriend, speaks volumes, he obviously knows you are not a threat. If I were in your situation, I would break off contact for a while, the relationship doesnt sound healthy at this point, you need to regroup. If you are so in love with this girl (but can never have her) the only way you can be friends with her is when you are READY to be friends with her. Right now you are hoping for more, but trust me, it's not going to happen, too many bad things have happened here, too much of yourself (not good sides of yourself) have been revealed. Work on yourself, first. When you are more comfortable with you, you can try dating (someone else) by then the friendship you have with this girl, may not even matter all that much.
You brought up some great points... from what I gather, I shouldn't make any efforts to resume a friendship with her until my feelings for her have gone away. Otherwise, I'll just find myself in this same situation.
Well, to clarify, that was something she had sent him Saturday afternoon, so it wasn't something that had just come up.
I will still keep my distance, of course. I've had a tough time making new good friends. I don't think it's lack of opportunity. But I have this close group of around 10 friends and have no real desire to expand it. I really don't know why.
I will keep the last bit in mind. Perhaps it's because I'm blinded by liking her so much, but once these feelings fade away... I would like to become friends again because I was able to share a lot with her and we did get along well (for the most part).
You brought up some great points... from what I gather, I shouldn't make any efforts to resume a friendship with her until my feelings for her have gone away. Otherwise, I'll just find myself in this same situation.
well being friends with someone we cannot have does happen and we cant always just walk away from the friendship. It just seems in this case the friendship is unhealthy, and your feelings (that you cannot hide) are what is making the friendship troubled currently, as your unreturned feelings are manifesting to needy actions on your parts to stay close to her.
2. Because she's boffing some other guy (who is emotionally unavailable -- novel story indeed!!!). Do you know what girls do with guys they like? They boff them! If she liked you, you'd be the one getting laid, not the jerky boyfriend. Who happens to be, um, her boyfriend.
3. If you're the one always initiating contact, then you're playing on her terms. And deep down inside, women just don't like that. She feels as if she's choosing you rather than the other way around. A woman wants to be chosen. If you don't give her that feeling, like she's the luckiest girl in the world, then she won't be attracted to you. Sorry.
I could tell you how to win her though. But then the question becomes whether you'll have any modicum of respect for her once you do.
Pretty much what I was thinking. OP is getting played, hard.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Enzio1
A terrible position indeed. To be fair, though, she is very religious and doesn't have sex. So I know she doesn't really do anything with her boyfriend, aside from kissing and the likes. But, I don't think that changes anything.
I'd bet you good money she is one of those sinner on Saturday, saint on Sunday types. I know this because no "emotionally distant boyfriend" is going to stick around unless he's getting laid, and chicks like this are always giving it up to those types.
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