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it's really hard for me to write about this, i am embarrassed but feel hopeless and just wanted some opinions. my boyfriend and i have a pretty good relationship. he loves to stumble and comes across porn quite often. he has a large collection of images and videos he has saved on his computer from stuff he finds online and it used to not really bother me. for some reason though it had really worn down on me over the past few months and i can't deal with the comments he makes about the women in the images he sees. i have only had one long distance relationship before this so this was never an issue before and i can't tell if i'm being irrational or not. it's not that i don't enjoy watching with him or really even mind him watching but sometimes it just gets to me, i get angry, and then a whole fight starts up. he says porn is not a big thing, he feels no emotional connection, all guys do it, that these are girls on the computer and tv (they are not real) etc., etc. and it's not that i don't believe him but i can't help feeling pissed and hurt! i really just want to know if it's something i have to work to get over or if there is actually some fault on his part. we get along very well in other aspects but this is always an issue for me.
it's really hard for me to write about this, i am embarrassed but feel hopeless and just wanted some opinions. my boyfriend and i have a pretty good relationship. he loves to stumble and comes across porn quite often. he has a large collection of images and videos he has saved on his computer from stuff he finds online and it used to not really bother me. for some reason though it had really worn down on me over the past few months and i can't deal with the comments he makes about the women in the images he sees. i have only had one long distance relationship before this so this was never an issue before and i can't tell if i'm being irrational or not. it's not that i don't enjoy watching with him or really even mind him watching butsometimes it just gets to me, i get angry, and then a whole fight starts up. he says porn is not a big thing, he feels no emotional connection, all guys do it, that these are girls on the computer and tv (they are not real) etc., etc. and it's not that i don't believe him but i can't help feeling pissed and hurt! i really just want to know if it's something i have to work to get over or if there is actually some fault on his part. we get along very well in other aspects but this is always an issue for me.
From what you wrote, you don't really seem all that cool with his watching it.
First, let's clear up a few things:
Not all guys watch porn. He's telling you (and himself) that all guys watch porn because it makes his watching porn seem not so bad.
He probably doesn't feel any romantic emotional connection with the women he's watching. But if his comments are extremely crude, violent or demeaning, then he's feeling an emotional connection...just a disturbing one.
These women aren't real, in the sense that these actresses don't really act this way in their real lives. They're performing for the camera; the whole thing is staged. If you made the same sounds and tried doing the same stunts in real life, you'd probably laugh out loud at how silly it seems, and pull a few muscles trying to have sex like that. They are, however, real people...just ones that he will probably never meet, let alone have a shot at getting with in real life.
And if his comments or his watching porn is making you feel angry, upset or hurt, it is a big thing! Why should you put up with feeling hurt? Don't you deserve better than that?
If there were an ideal solution to this problem, what would it be? If you could have this turn out the best of all possible ways, how would things turn out?
... i have only had one long distance relationship before...
I suspect that this "LDR" thing is the core issue here.
I start from the premise that absent a successful, in person relationship of some duration **PRIOR** to some circumstance changing in your lives (like a job transfer) that warrants a short term attempt at continuing that relationship from a distance until other things can be sorted out...
...the people involved in most LDR's have little more going on between them than what your "BF" has going on with the women he sees while viewing the porn.
it's really hard for me to write about this, i am embarrassed but feel hopeless and just wanted some opinions. my boyfriend and i have a pretty good relationship. he loves to stumble and comes across porn quite often. he has a large collection of images and videos he has saved on his computer from stuff he finds online and it used to not really bother me. for some reason though it had really worn down on me over the past few months and i can't deal with the comments he makes about the women in the images he sees. i have only had one long distance relationship before this so this was never an issue before and i can't tell if i'm being irrational or not. it's not that i don't enjoy watching with him or really even mind him watching but sometimes it just gets to me, i get angry, and then a whole fight starts up. he says porn is not a big thing, he feels no emotional connection, all guys do it, that these are girls on the computer and tv (they are not real) etc., etc. and it's not that i don't believe him but i can't help feeling pissed and hurt! i really just want to know if it's something i have to work to get over or if there is actually some fault on his part. we get along very well in other aspects but this is always an issue for me.
Consider that if in a long distance relationship he is only sleeping with you. The porn may be there for him when you are not. Better porn than the neighbor girl.
This is a big deal if you find it upsetting. However, you did not really say why you feel upset?
Do you feel it is a negative reflection on how he views you as a woman? Since he is vulgar and demeaning of the women in the images, do you think he has a lack of respect for woman (including you) which upsets you?
Or do you think he is doing this because he doesn't have an attraction to you? That he needs to find a more attractive outlet for his energy?
Regardless, not every guy watches it. I used to but always felt dirty about it. I used to convince myself it was ok because it was culturally accepted. I do not anymore (nor do I have a desire to) and feel a lot better about myself.
If you are that upset by it, you may want to ask him to try and cut it out of his routine, and be ready to walk if he cannot. You do not want to be upset and frustrated all the time over this, and it can be a very difficult addiction for a guy to break.
How good is your relationship with him? His statement to you "all guys do it" is so, so wrong! Another thing, you sound very mixed up about this and it shows below. Bottom line is, if you don't like porn, you need a new guy and he needs a gal that likes it as much as he does. Doesn't that sound like a good answer to you???
Quote:
Originally Posted by hellohello89
it's really hard for me to write about this, i am embarrassed but feel hopeless and just wanted some opinions. my boyfriend and i have a pretty good relationship. he loves to stumble and comes across porn quite often. he has a large collection of images and videos he has saved on his computer from stuff he finds online and it used to not really bother me. for some reason though it had really worn down on me over the past few months and i can't deal with the comments he makes about the women in the images he sees. i have only had one long distance relationship before this so this was never an issue before and i can't tell if i'm being irrational or not. it's not that i don't enjoy watching with him or really even mind him watching but sometimes it just gets to me, i get angry, and then a whole fight starts up. he says porn is not a big thing, he feels no emotional connection, all guys do it, that these are girls on the computer and tv (they are not real) etc., etc. and it's not that i don't believe him but i can't help feeling pissed and hurt! i really just want to know if it's something i have to work to get over or if there is actually some fault on his part. we get along very well in other aspects but this is always an issue for me.
When you are together, why does he need to watch porn? Although I don't watch porn, I would think the fantasy experience of watching the tape can be fulfilled with you.
Where my concern lies is if watching causes an argument, why does he continue to watch with you present?
If he feels "no emotional connection" then why does he do it if he knows that it bothers you.....Maybe he needs to decide if he has an "emotional connection" with YOU or not...because if he did he would show more respect, and not watch it when you're around.....Oh, and he's wrong when he says all guys watch porn, that's just his excuse for being so selfish.... and not a good one at that.
Not for the porn (which in my opinion is nothing to be too concerned about), but for how he makes those comments that make you feel uncomfortable and how you seem to be trying so hard to be okay with it when you should be comfortable expressing and having your OWN thoughts and opinions when you are with this guy.
He's not worth it. It's not like you're engaged or married to him. Move on.
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