I do not desire women (conversations, interested, famous, fighting)
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I'm coming late to this thread, but I can tell you from experience that there is no way, if you're heterosexual, that you'll be able to kill your desires toward women. I was a very lonely, frustrated kid in college because I just had no idea how to attract women. I was fit (though heavy) and, while I was clean-cut and well-groomed, I dressed like a nonconformist. I was shy and quiet. This made for a very isolated, lonely life. So before my junior year, I decided that I would just not care anymore. I resolved that I would not try to even think about dating. I wouldn't feel bad about being alone. I would get in the weight room and work even harder. I would take my frustrations out on the football field. I'd go into some bad parts of town, hoping someone would jump me. (It worked, twice). I would spend my days and nights in the language lab or library studying. All of that worked like a charm - for a day or two. Then I began to realize that women also worked and studied and spent time at the language lab and the library and the dining hall. I just couldn't get away from them, no matter how much I tried. And the first sweet, beautiful girl I saw screwed up all my new resolve and I went back to being that brooding, obsessed, depressed kid. I felt even worse because I knew that there was no way I could ever end up with any of these cuties I saw every day, all day.
So work on yourself and stop being lazy, or you will indeed become an angry, sick, lonely old man.
I guess I do something similar. When I'm out somewhere and see an attractive woman, I automatically tell myself, "Eh, I'm sure she'd annoy the hell out of me." I don't think this on purpose; it just happens. And I know very well it's ridiculous to think that about every woman, but I guess I've just become that jaded. But it doesn't happen with every woman I see. The problem is, when it doesn't happen, I still don't try to initiate a conversation with the woman, because I tell myself there's no reason to try.
But whats mentally off about just being resigned to not love eh. I mean if one has completed an honest & accurate assessment of oneself, then its hardly mentally off kilter don't ya think.
Let me give an example, lets just imagine someone who is 20 years old. He's EXTREMELY shallow and he knows it and as such he projects this shallowness out to other people meaning he'll doubt the intentions of any one out of his league but will despair at the 3s, 4s and 5s in his league (ohhh the irony). But unfortunately, he has crowded lower teeth due to braces that didn't take, not to mention that he has noticeable mandibular asymmetry (I would liken it to Ralph Nader's chin)..... Fixing those two problems would amount to a significant amount of money which would mean that he would have to work throughout the term of his twenties (even in a white collar position). Not to mention to fix the asymmetry, pins would have be inserted at the mandible precluding any future MRIs as any form of diagnostic test) By the time these problems can be fixed, his 20s would have wasted away and thus, the period of his youth where he's supposed to "sow his oats" and etc has passed. Couple this with **** poor social skills outside of work and academia, I mean what else would you expect from people like these.
In a sense, I...I mean that person I described above will definately feel a bit of solidarity with the OP...it would be better to get rid of at least the societal expectation that hey its normal to get into a relationship and etc. Although, I know its definitely impossible to suppress the biological urge (but thats what my LH is for)
Byronic Coward ... Speaking of Ralph Nader, he has never married, because he's decided that his extreme devotion to his career is more important.
I think that people can be happy without dating, but that it takes a lot of work to come to peace with the idea that one is never going to have a girlfriend and doesn't really want one.
I think that there are women out there who would be willing to date you in spite of how ugly you think you are, just as there are women out there who would be willing to date me in spite of how ugly I think I am.
But if we're going to date, we're going to have to work at it, which is what most people have to do. But for some people (like me) this work is much more emotionally difficult than it is for others. I don't know what it is, but trying to make myself look better to women, and trying to be more socially engaged feels like this huge emotional burden that I'm not willing to take on.
And so, I'd much rather learn to continue to be happy by myself. And continue to build on other commitments in my life, that make me glad there isn't some woman trying to "steal" some of my time. It is a difficult process for someone like me who is naturally very attracted to many, many women. But I feel like maybe I value my independence and my ability to do whatever I want whenever I want so much, that I'm willing to continue to suffer from loneliness.
I will echo what someone said, that a heterosexual male will always find females attractive. Nature designed us this way to ensure survival of our species. I know there are quite a few men who decide not to date or get involved in replationships, for one reason or another, but they think of it as a choice. If you arent happy with single status, go where women are and let them seduce you. Its really that simple. You dont have to have model looks, a nice car or a great career for that to happen (although each does help a little, mostly for the initial attraction).
There isnt a man on this planet, that cant find a mate, because attractivness is subjective and women find different things attractive. There are some womnen that are very attracted to little people, or soccer players or shy guys, or .......... its a neverending list. More often than not, its how a guy sees himself and how he projects that to the outside world that would be a barrier. Be content with who you are, have a plan, bring your best self and everythng else falls into place. Go where women are.....
Just think of all the money you will save. The arguments you will not have. And the stress you will avoid!
I see a LOT of people who call themselves "lovers", but in reality they are "haters". They hate each other, argue all the time, and have a miserable life if you ask me.
I think people who have less stress live longer?
Anyway it is YOUR life. If you prefer to not be in a relationship with anyone, then that is fine in my book.
And society will expect you to do otherwise. But you don't have to live your life the way other people think you should be living it, rather you can and should do what you want. I've never been one to play "follow the leader". I do what I want and could care less what other people think.
One thing that can be different in people is sex drive. Some people have a very low sex drive and can live without it. Others have a high sex drive and can't understand how someone could go without it.
I'll just say to remember when we were kids - before the sex urge came along. Boys had no interest in playing with girls and were perfectly happy living that way!
Byronic Coward ... Speaking of Ralph Nader, he has never married, because he's decided that his extreme devotion to his career is more important.
I think that people can be happy without dating, but that it takes a lot of work to come to peace with the idea that one is never going to have a girlfriend and doesn't really want one.
I think that there are women out there who would be willing to date you in spite of how ugly you think you are, just as there are women out there who would be willing to date me in spite of how ugly I think I am.
But if we're going to date, we're going to have to work at it, which is what most people have to do. But for some people (like me) this work is much more emotionally difficult than it is for others. I don't know what it is, but trying to make myself look better to women, and trying to be more socially engaged feels like this huge emotional burden that I'm not willing to take on.
And so, I'd much rather learn to continue to be happy by myself. And continue to build on other commitments in my life, that make me glad there isn't some woman trying to "steal" some of my time. It is a difficult process for someone like me who is naturally very attracted to many, many women. But I feel like maybe I value my independence and my ability to do whatever I want whenever I want so much, that I'm willing to continue to suffer from loneliness.
Yep yep, true that. It is f-ing hard to build up that emotional willpower to do something you know. Especially since you're not guaranteed to succeed if you try anyways.
Well, I gave up on the thinking "I do not desire women" every time I saw a woman (it didn't work), but I think I want to try it again.
My life has not gone in the direction it should have gone, and I blame my desire for women. Desire for women was the famous bluesman Robert Johnson's greatest weakness as well. His problem was he couldn't stop hitting on married women at juke joints. My problem is that I can't reconcile my desire for women with my desire for independence and freedom. And so this creates a kind of war in my mind that paralyzes me. I can't move on with my life because I can't stop obsessing about women and so I can't go in the direction of perfect celibacy of the mind, but I also can't actually try to meet women and form relationships because I don't really want to go through the effort of obtaining and maintaining relationships.
Since the 1st grade I have been having crushes on females. I think that is earlier than normal. I know my first crush was in 1st grade, no earlier. Since then, the story of my life has been having crushes on literally hundreds, maybe 1,000+, females, but never (aside from once) asking one out. The time I did ask one out, she went on a lunch date with me, but I over the next couple months embarrassed myself by being wishy-washy and weak, and she became completely uninterested in me. Some of my crushes last for a couple of days. Some have stayed in the back of my mind for decades, coming into active memory once in a while while cleaning house or lying in bed unable to sleep. But I never, ever (aside from that once) acted on my crushes. I just wonder what could be if I had acted on them.
But then, if I think about what could be, do I really want that ? Someone telling me what to do ? Not having absolute freedom in my personal life ? Not being able to do what I want when I want ? Having to worry about offending the person by my annoying habits ? The likelihood of the relationship eventually ending, and my feeling deep hurt ? No, I love my independence more than I desire women, and so I simply don't ask them out. But my desires which won't get away never leave me alone and let me get on with my life.
I have to keep trying telling myself that "I don't desire women" whenever I want to desire women. It has to work. I have to obtain freedom. I long for freedom so much, for living my life, and not having a single thought about whether women are watching me, noticing me, liking me, or not.
This spring I have been extremely frustrated about my lack of a girlfriend and lack of a social life. I have written two other threads about that.
Now I am reporting that I am going to once again try something that worked in the past for a little while. I'm going to give it another try. I think I'm ready. I started this afternoon.
Every time I see an attractive woman, anywhere (including on TV), I look away (as long as its safe to, like I'm not driving towards her or something) and say "I do not desire women". After a while of "white knuckling" it and really struggling with this, I anticipate that it is eventually going to become second nature to just look at things that are much more interesting to me than women: trees, buildings, clouds, grass.
I tried this for a while a number of years ago. I think it was working, but then I got this dumb idea of asking a school librarian out on a lunch date. She said yes, but then after that one lunch date she never said yes to anything again. Eventually, I stopped trying, and said goodbye to her, and never saw her again. But anyways, that put an end to my "I don't desire women" strategy.
A couple years back, I tried it again, and it only worked for a couple weeks. Eventually, I was looking at women again. What really made it difficult is they had the TV on at work, and I was constantly tempted to look at the news anchors or women in advertisements. Also people at work were talking about "hot women" on the TV or in real life from time to time. All of that broke down my resolve.
But this spring, I've been so frustrated that I really think I'm ready. I really think it's going to work. I have resigned that I'm never going to have a girlfriend, because I'm too lazy to get better clothes and do a better job shaving my face, and I'm too scared to start talking to women. So, I'm ready to really put the "I do not desire women" strategy to the test. I think I can do it.
For a half day, I have been saying "I do not desire women" every time I wanted to look at a woman. I feel better today than I've felt in a long time. It feels good to just look at clouds, trees, grass, and buildings without worrying about any hot looking women that are in the way of the view. These women are nothing to me any more.
I know it's going to work this time, because I'm going to make it work. There aren't any librarians or anyone else I'm going to ask out. I've got the will power to carry this out, to become truly independent of women for the first time in my life. It's going to feel good !
I can do anything I set my mind to, and I've set my mind to this. I do not desire women !
Will it work ?
It won't work. I'm single and only hang out with guys. I'm not gay, dumb or blind. Oh, I desire them alright. I don't sit around and mope while I feel sorry for myself. The day I quit looking and trying is the day they plant me. My biggest problem is at the age I am, there aren't that many single women around here. You have to go way younger or way older to find some. I keep telling myself I haven't run into "HER" yet.....But I will!
I think... I mean, that sounds gay. I just want you to know this is, like, the first conversation of, like, three conversations that leads to you being gay. Like, there's this and then in a year it's like, "Oh, you know, I'm kinda gonna want to get back out there, but I think I like guys," and then there's the big, "Oh, I'm... I'm... I'm a gay guy now."
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