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Although best known for his It Gets Better project, an archive of hopeful videos aimed at troubled gay youth, Savage has for 20 years been saying monogamy is harder than we admit and articulating a sexual ethic that he thinks honors the reality, rather than the romantic ideal, of marriage. In Savage Love, his weekly column, he inveighs against the American obsession with strict fidelity. In its place he proposes a sensibility that we might call American Gay Male, after that community’s tolerance for pornography, fetishes and a variety of partnered arrangements, from strict monogamy to wide openness.
Savage believes monogamy is right for many couples. But he believes that our discourse about it, and about sexuality more generally, is dishonest. Some people need more than one partner, he writes, just as some people need flirting, others need to be whipped, others need lovers of both sexes. We can’t help our urges, and we should not lie to our partners about them. In some marriages, talking honestly about our needs will forestall or obviate affairs; in other marriages, the conversation may lead to an affair, but with permission. In both cases, honesty is the best policy.
I think people who believe that every sexual urge and whim should be satisfied are extremely narcissistic and live an incredibly insular selfish life. Just like energy vampires they easily sex up anything they want and then casually toss it aside like a used kleenex.
When people have to conform to sexual mores and rules it instills temperance and causes them to think before they act impulsively.
The problem with sexuality in the USA is that everyone is doing it without a thought for "what if I?" "why do I want?" "should I?", adults down to children.
Nobody asks questions or questions themself, it's only about what I want now.
I think people who believe that every sexual urge and whim should be satisfied are extremely narcissistic and live an incredibly insular selfish life. Just like energy vampires they easily sex up anything they want and then casually toss it aside like a used kleenex.
When people have to conform to sexual mores and rules it instills temperance and causes them to think before they act impulsively.
The problem with sexuality in the USA is that everyone is doing it without a thought for "what if I?" "why do I want?" "should I?", adults down to children.
Nobody asks questions or questions themself, it's only about what I want now.
I think people who believe that every sexual urge and whim should be satisfied are extremely narcissistic and live an incredibly insular selfish life. Just like energy vampires they easily sex up anything they want and then casually toss it aside like a used kleenex.
I don't think that's what Dan Savage is saying at all. He's not saying that everyone should give into every urge every time, he's saying that sometimes people have different sexual needs and wants and expectations and they don't talk about them honestly. And if a marriage is otherwise healthy, is it worth breaking up over those differences? You may not agree, and I'm not certain that I do, but it's interesting to think about.
From the article:
Quote:
The point is: priests and rabbis don’t tell couples they might need to involve cake play in their marriages; moms and dads don’t; even best friends can be shy about saying what they like. Savage wants to make sure that no strong marriage ever fails because an ashamed husband or wife is desperately seeking cake play — or bondage, urine play or any of the other unspeakable activities that Savage has helped make speakable. If cake play is what a man needs, his G.G.G. wife should give it to him; if she can’t bring herself to, then maybe she should allow him a chocolate-frosted excursion with another woman. But for God’s sake, keep it together for the kids.
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“If you are expected to be monogamous and have one person be all things sexually for you, then you have to be whores for each other,” Savage says. “You have to be up for anything.”
Last edited by fleetiebelle; 07-14-2011 at 04:05 PM..
I don't think that's what Dan Savage is saying at all. He's saying that sometimes people have different sexual needs and wants and expectations and they don't talk about them honestly. And if a marriage is otherwise healthy, is it worth breaking up over those differences? You may not agree, and I'm not certain that I do, but it's interesting to think about.
And my point is that people do not use restraint and want every sexual whim and urge catered to. If they don't feel like they can have it their way they will go look for it because they're selfish. Why would ANYBODY marry someone who they didn't have sexual compatibility with in the first place? Sexual needs and wants should be well discussed before you are married and continued to be discussed throughout the marriage. If you and your partner are swingers and like variety in the bedroom, then BOTH of you better be on the same page. Don't come out in a marriage years down the line and decide that your housewife isn't enough of a sex kitten and now you want something new because it's boring and you need to invite more women into the bedroom.
No that's selfish.
Furthermore... if a husband needs "cake play" in his sexual life, he should probably ask himself why he needs "cake play" if the wife doesn't want to do it, not that the wife should allow him a "cake play excursion" with someone else. That's what I mean about every sexual whim catered to, because it's narcissistic. And unfortunately a lot of what goes on in extra flirty, hyper sexual people's lives is that element of narcissism.
I would also have to argue if a gay male can truly understand the concept of heterosexual monogamy.
Not being a heterosexual how could Dan Savage possibly comment on the culture of heterosexual sex.
Sure he can give advice about basic human issues, but coupling in gay relationships is not like coupling in heterosexual relationships.
He even goes so far as to offer up a new sensibility called "American Gay male".... c'mon R U serious?
Proposing that heterosexuals adopt a more open view of sexual relations whereby fetishism and blah blah blah etc etc etc are acceptable.
Quote:
Although best known for his It Gets Better project, an archive of hopeful videos aimed at troubled gay youth, Savage has for 20 years been saying monogamy is harder than we admit and articulating a sexual ethic that he thinks honors the reality, rather than the romantic ideal, of marriage. In Savage Love, his weekly column, he inveighs against the American obsession with strict fidelity. In its place he proposes a sensibility that we might call American Gay Male, after that community’s tolerance for pornography, fetishes and a variety of partnered arrangements, from strict monogamy to wide openness.
I can't believe this dude is being seriously discussed! Before I knew who he was I thought "savage" in the "Savage Love" column in the free local weekly just stood for the dictionary meaning of the word, which closely matches the content of his columns.
The U.S. is a sexually conflicted nation. There is the faction demonizing sexual freedom, and the faction promoting mindless sexuality and the sexualization of pretty much everything. Each is an unreasonable and unreasoned reaction to the other, I think
Anyway, I think Savage is basically correct, and my agreement is based on an understanding of human evolution, human biology, and cultural and religious memes. Monogamy is contrary to human nature, but it can certainly work for some people - that's not at issue. However, humans (in general) are a promiscuous species by their fundamental nature, and attempting to repress that by the cultural/religious memes is not only never going to work, it leads to many of the problems we face such as sexual excess and the prevalence of cheating.
Unfortunately, the cultural/religious memes are only going to change slowly, and a more rational and natural - and ethical! - approach to sexuality is a long way off for most, but it IS a reality for a minority who can and do have a thoughtful and reasoned perspective on the overall situation.
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Before I knew who he was I thought "savage" in the "Savage Love" column in the free local weekly just stood for the dictionary meaning of the word, which closely matches the content of his columns.
