I'm a scumbag; would like advice from normal people (dating, wife, boyfriend)

[barclay09]

I think I am a "once a cheater, always a cheater" person. I cheated on my girlfriends in high school and thought I was pretty cool until I got to college where I became addicted to drugs and almost dropped out.

I met my girlfriend and we have been dating for five years and she really changed my life. I'm actually starting med school this month. I wanted to be real careful about this relationship so I never went out or partied, used substance, avoided Vegas like it was Juarez, or even talked to other girls - who weren't her friends. For four years. In the last 5 years, I have never drank more than 1 beer at any event.

Last year, at one of her get-togethers, a girl who was prude but flirty with only me from high school was there - and she got a lot hotter and more promiscuous. She Facebook friended me and started messaging me. We talked a lot, I was definitely in the wrong a lot. Eventually she started sending me naked pictures of her and we webcammed. All through this time, I was talking to my close friends who disapproved but tried to help me ease my conscience by saying it isn't real if it happens over the Internet.

After crossing that line, I crossed the big line maybe 3 months ago. We started hooking up maybe twice a month - everything but sex. She has a boyfriend of two years.

This is the part where I'm actually looking for advice (and it becomes more immoral):

Basically, I have had my girlfriend and she has had her boyfriend and there was some twisted balance in that. A few weeks ago, her boyfriend left to study abroad for the next 9 months. I started to feel like I was sliding into the boyfriend position - and that there would be some other guys who would be...the other guys. I know since her boyfriend left she's made new friends and they go out to clubs and stuff.

This started making me insanely jealous to the point where I told her I didn't want to see her anymore because I was getting attached (I didn't talk about the other guys). I was really cool about it when I actually told her whereas in reality I'm extremely, extremely attached now. I feel like I have a few options:

Option 1. I can just stop talking to her and ease away. Clean break. I'd have my friends restrain me (shut down Facebook, change my passwords, delete her #, etc.) I think this lets me walk away with some dignity but is more agonizing in that it is a slow and painful break up.

Option 2. Another friend is telling me I should just **** her once and that will help me get her out of my system because "I will have done everything I could." I don't know about this because I'm pretty emotionally attached but when I'm horny, I think I should do this.

Option 3. This friend also suggests that if I can be cool and not freak out, I should just be **** buddies with her - I'm obviously not cool and have no self-restraint - and am emotional - I can't see myself doing this.

Option 4. I thought I should just call her and blow things up. Like act like a crazy person - and spill every possible bad thought I had about her. Tell her some impossible ultimatum like "I don't want you hanging out with ANYONE!!!" so that she'll think I'm crazy. This will force the break up so there's never the possibility that I might want to hook up with her again.

This is a lot longer than I intended but I'd appreciate feedback. I know for sure some will point out how ridiculously immoral and selfish I am, but I still feel bad. I feel like **** and while I can rationalize how wrong my actions were and how they may cause others to feel like **** if it were revealed - I don't feel anything. I felt the same way in high school when I cheated on two girls. Nothing. Truth.

Lastly, this girl isn't a huge **** or anything. I know she's horny A LOT but it has been repressed for awhile. She didn't even have sex in college and her current boyfriend is the only guy she's had sex with. To finish my rant and highlight my immaturity: I just don't want her to have sex with anyone else.

[le roi]

i get the impression that you are a slave to your own impulses, and whatever advice we give won't matter.

[Dollydo]

Might be time to put on your big boy pants and grow up! Your going to med school...god help us!

[Theophane]

Originally Posted by Dollydo

Might be time to put on your big boy pants and grow up! Your going to med school...god help us!

How is that helpful?

[maf763]

Option 5 - You're really not committed to your girlfriend, so maybe you should break up with her and take up with this other woman.

[barclay09]

so which option? regarding med school - i'm pretty stable everywhere else except when it comes to relationships. that's all.

[barclay09]

Originally Posted by maf763

Option 5 - You're really not committed to your girlfriend, so maybe you should break up with her and take up with this other woman.

I thought about it for like one second but there's just no way. I thought longer about confessing everything but I honestly cannot see what good that would do. Again, I keep stressing that I'm aware of how morally offensive this can be, but I have a life that I need to keep stable.

This just sounds worse and worse, but my girlfriend is really, really great. She's wife material and this other girl is a notch below. She's bad conversation, a cheater like myself, and somewhat immature. I guess I was so attracted to her or am still attracted to her because of her high school innocence. She is also extremely silly and immature which is the complete opposite of me - and it's nice.

[dave nz]

miamisweetheart?

[naturesdreams]

Yes we all are attracted to other people and could have sex with others easily... keep in mind that once you cross that line... there is no taking it back... I've used my emotions in the past to guide my actions and have always regreted those decissions.

If your present girlfriend is so great... think about your decission from her perspective... If you are willing to throw away her relationship if caught (by the way most women know something is going on and ignore the signs) then go for it... but you must live with the results of that decission. "what goes around, comes around"... think with your big head and your future relationship with your great girlfriend... how would you react if she had someone she had been looking at naked online?

Just my .02...

[birdinmigration]

Hey Barclay --

There are just some things here that tell me you are not a scumbag, so I can't pile on like others. First of all, you are extremely self-aware. You know exactly your weak spots and limitations. Considering that you are probably in your early 20's you sound far and away more mature than most of your peers, but you can judge that for yourself.

I will tell you what you don't want to hear. Break up with both girls, right now. You are cheating on them both, while not wanting to hurt anyone. The Girlfriend (Girl A) you are putting on a pedestal as "wife material", this is not a sign of love. If you can list off the reasons why you 'love' someone, it may not actually be love, but more of an acquisition. You might always cheat (even emotionally cheat) on Girl A, because she's a 'good girl' in your eyes and doesn't ring your bells enough.

Girl B may not be a sl**, but what she is is a horrendous tease. She can keep however many of you guys in play with the promise, real or not, that there may be some sex at some future point, IF she breaks up, If this, if that. Barclay, you are being tickled like a grand piano without actually getting to the Rachmaninoff. Don't be stupid and send her naked photos or steamy texts, emails or anything like that. Careers have been ruined that way.

There's another thing -- you are starting med school. That is not a nothing. It is very hard to get into med school and you can't be messing around with distracting personal situations. People are competitive and driven, and if you don't have the chops, you will be spending n amount of money on an education that will not pay off in a career.

Clean your slate and focus on your education. Some things you can't do over. Take it from someone who learned the hard way.