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Location: As of 2022….back to SoCal. OC this time!
9,297 posts, read 4,642,323 times
Reputation: 7618
You don't date "online"......you only meet online. People that hide behind a computer & date at a distance......sometimes they don't even meet in person.......aren't really dating IMO. They are usually fake & lying about who they are.....& that's not going to end in a successful relationship ofc. Or...they would just meet.
IMO it's a big red flag & even dangerous to call it "online dating" like O.P. says.....because you should never date online. Dating is something you have to do off a computer.
Wow…what a very long and interesting thread. Here’s my thoughts on the matter…and fair warning this will be a pretty long post.
I went on my first online date in the year 2000 when I was 25. I had just graduated college and found that my previous social circles (classes, study groups, campus events) had changed and finding women my age to date was a lot more difficult. In those days the biggest challenge was finding a profile with a recent picture (or any picture) and while I went on some dates nothing serious ever resulted. Friends and family were really judgmental but to be fair it was a new frontier and some of those same people who previously made fun of me for adapting to this new technology later used it themselves far more than I ever did.
I used online dating on and off for the better part of two decades. I had one relationship in the early 2000s that only lasted a few months, but that was my fault for ignoring red flags and allowing myself to become involved with a dysfunctional person. I also went through a period of about 10 years where my own life was very dysfunctional - health issues, depression, even being homeless for a while. During this time, I only went on a few dates with one girl and nothing ever became of it.
Fast forward to 2013 or so after I had finally turned my life around. New job in a new state and after many years of struggling I finally felt like it was time to start dating again. All of those years of isolation made it difficult at first, but I kept putting myself out there and online dating was the method that worked best. But this time around I got more serious - I started reading blogs for advice and even hired an online dating coach to help me with my profile and wardrobe. I'd also lost 100 pounds and this certainly helped a lot. Went on lots of dates and eventually met a woman that I wanted to date seriously, but she had some serious instability in her life (and was quite good at hiding it).
As in my younger years I noted a few red flags but since I had been single for over a decade, I decided to let the relationship progress. For the better part of a year I was on a roller coaster ride due to my ex's mental health issues, but despite all that we did have some good times. But I eventually had to put my foot down and end things for good. Leaving someone you still love isn't easy but it had to be done so we both could move on.
After this I was pretty messed up emotionally and I started to have a very negative view of online dating. Like the OP of this thread I started to believe that every woman on those sites were undesirable and that it was just a waste of time. It was time to give dating in general a break but I also made the decision that after my break I’d start exclusively asking out women in person...ie the old-fashioned way had to be the best.
Getting over my ex wasn't easy but time and therapy helped a lot. I didn't date for an entire year until I felt that I was fully healed and ready to get back out there. I’d lost some weight, put on some muscle and got some nice new clothes. And as a first step, I finally asked out this incredibly beautiful woman who worked at a store that always took time to talk to me and seemed very interested. She was about 10 years younger than me (I was in my early 40s) and seemed like such a sweet and beautiful person. Screw those people on dating sites...this girl was a winner!
Oh, how foolish we men can be at times.
To make a long story short, this girl ended up being a train wreck the likes of which I hadn't encountered before. I'll spare anyone reading this the details, but suffice to say she was a piece of work. Definitely not girlfriend material and didn't want to date me...but said quite honestly that if I spent a little money on her we could definitely have a FWB relationship. I should mention again that this woman was nearly model quality attractive but I'd had enough of dealing with women who were hot in bed but didn't have much to offer beyond that. So, I turned her down, cut my ties with her and decided that maybe online dating wasn't so bad after all.
I fired up and updated my old dating profiles and kept my time on the sites very limited. About a week later a woman liked my profile but for some reason she lived an hour away. I had thought my settings stated that I only wanted to meet women 25 miles away or closer, but it seemed the last time I had used the website (OKC) I had changed the setting to allow women up to 50 miles away to see my profile in their searches. I normally wouldn't have traveled that far but the girl seemed real nice so I made the trip and met her. She was a nice, attractive girl who had her act together but after two dates there just wasn't any spark and we parted ways.
A few days after this another girl liked my profile who was also an hour away. But here's the kicker...her profile was completely blank and only had one picture where you could barely see her in the background. I would normally ignore this type of profile but I figured what the hell, who knows what could happen? We talked a bit but she seemed very stand offish. Wouldn't tell me her name or update her profile. She then disappeared and I figured it possibly a fake account, a married woman or one of the many time wasters that you find on most dating sites and thought nothing of it.
About a week later, this mysterious person messages me and says that she will be in my area this weekend and would I be interested in meeting? Still no name or better pictures. I already had another date set up for the following Monday, so I thought once more, well...why not? We made plans to meet and I honestly gave it a 50/50 chance of her even showing up. The day arrives and she's not there. I get a text that she's running late and won't be there for another 30-40 minutes. I'm pretty annoyed as I'm dressed and on time and she's nowhere to be found. I decide to go on a walk but after 45 minutes had gone by, I told myself this was a big waste of time and started heading for my car.
I'm almost there when I get a text. She's at the cafe and waiting for me. So, I go in...and sure enough, there she is. After asking her to please tell me her name (which she does) we sit down and the conversation just flows. Three hours pass like three minutes and I hug her goodbye and tell her that I'd like to see her again. I follow up and make plans to see her for dinner in a few days.
I do meet the other lady that I'd already made plans with. She's obnoxious and keeps talking about her ex-husband. Can't wait to leave. I give it an hour and half a beer and I leave knowing that I never want to see her again. But I can't stop thinking about that blue-eyed girl I'd met over the weekend...
Well the moral of this story is that blue eyed girl and I are getting married in a few months. After our second date we became pretty much inseparable and the past few years have been wonderful. I'm 45 and for many years thought I'd never get married or ever find someone to share my life with. And yes, it took me a long time to finally meet the right girl but a lot of that time was due to me dealing with life altering events that took years to resolve and heal from.
I'm no expert but I'd like to think that my experiences have granted me a little wisdom that I can share. First off let's face facts - online dating isn't a picnic and I do believe that the majority of people on there shouldn't be there. These companies don't make money by people finding true love and happiness...they make money from people who are lonely and/or horny. The most important bit of advice I'd give is to set limits on how much time you spend on there. If it becomes your only source of meeting people eventually it will mess with your head. If it becomes too much, take a break.
There are good people on those dating sites. But they are not easy to find. And you can't place all the blame on everyone else. I remember many times where I would message dozens of women and get no replies. Then I would get upset and start projecting this negativity to the few women that did contact me. That's when it is time to step back and reassess yourself. And as much as some people don't want to hear this, online dating is a market and there is A LOT of competition. Take good pictures. Write a good (and positive!) profile. Read good quality online dating blogs, talk to people who have had long term success. If you're not having a lot of luck, consider upping your game. Get some new clothes, lose some weight, hit the gym and pick up some new interests. Get out there and research nice and/or classy places to meet people, check out the venues so when you do talk to someone you want to meet, you can make plans easily.
Don't waste time wondering why people ghost you. It happens and some people are lame. F--k 'em. And remember, you're not there to meet your soulmate, the love of your life or prince charming. You are on the dating site for one reason and one reason only: to find someone to go on a date with. The biggest downside of dating sites is that you have no idea who is sitting in front of that computer on the other side. So, you have to be smart about it. Keep your expectations low until that person is sitting in front of you. That's when it's business and usual and time to see if they are right for you. And that requires time, patience and lots of dates. Until that first face to face, you don't know a damn thing about them so you don't want to waste too much time trying to find out.
This is getting a bit long but I'll offer one final bit of advice. A very wise and experienced online dater once told me that he only logged on once a day after work. He'd log in, check his messages and respond if necessary and then he'd look over the profiles and try to find 1-3 new women to write to. If he didn't find any, he'd log out. If he did find any that struck his fancy, he'd send a quick and polite message to them and then log out. And unless he got an email message telling him that someone had written him back, he wouldn't log back in until the next day. He also took regular breaks from the dating sites when he felt he needed it.
YMMV, but I found this to be some of the best advice I've heard for preventing online dating burnout. It worked for me but I had to learn things the hard way. Online dating is difficult, but it doesn’t have to be a chore and if you approach it with a healthy mindset without investing too much emotionally, it can be a lot of fun.
If anyone manages to read all this, I hope you find something useful in what I shared. Stay positive, stay strong and don't give up. I never thought it would happen to me, but all it takes is being in the right place at the right time. And a little luck never hurts either.
You don't date "online"......you only meet online. People that hide behind a computer & date at a distance......sometimes they don't even meet in person.......aren't really dating IMO. They are usually fake & lying about who they are.....& that's not going to end in a successful relationship ofc. Or...they would just meet.
IMO it's a big red flag & even dangerous to call it "online dating" like O.P. says.....because you should never date online. Dating is something you have to do off a computer.
Wow…what a very long and interesting thread. Here’s my thoughts on the matter…and fair warning this will be a pretty long post.
I went on my first online date in the year 2000 when I was 25. I had just graduated college and found that my previous social circles (classes, study groups, campus events) had changed and finding women my age to date was a lot more difficult. In those days the biggest challenge was finding a profile with a recent picture (or any picture) and while I went on some dates nothing serious ever resulted. Friends and family were really judgmental but to be fair it was a new frontier and some of those same people who previously made fun of me for adapting to this new technology later used it themselves far more than I ever did.
I used online dating on and off for the better part of two decades. I had one relationship in the early 2000s that only lasted a few months, but that was my fault for ignoring red flags and allowing myself to become involved with a dysfunctional person. I also went through a period of about 10 years where my own life was very dysfunctional - health issues, depression, even being homeless for a while. During this time, I only went on a few dates with one girl and nothing ever became of it.
Fast forward to 2013 or so after I had finally turned my life around. New job in a new state and after many years of struggling I finally felt like it was time to start dating again. All of those years of isolation made it difficult at first, but I kept putting myself out there and online dating was the method that worked best. But this time around I got more serious - I started reading blogs for advice and even hired an online dating coach to help me with my profile and wardrobe. I'd also lost 100 pounds and this certainly helped a lot. Went on lots of dates and eventually met a woman that I wanted to date seriously, but she had some serious instability in her life (and was quite good at hiding it).
As in my younger years I noted a few red flags but since I had been single for over a decade, I decided to let the relationship progress. For the better part of a year I was on a roller coaster ride due to my ex's mental health issues, but despite all that we did have some good times. But I eventually had to put my foot down and end things for good. Leaving someone you still love isn't easy but it had to be done so we both could move on.
After this I was pretty messed up emotionally and I started to have a very negative view of online dating. Like the OP of this thread I started to believe that every woman on those sites were undesirable and that it was just a waste of time. It was time to give dating in general a break but I also made the decision that after my break I’d start exclusively asking out women in person...ie the old-fashioned way had to be the best.
Getting over my ex wasn't easy but time and therapy helped a lot. I didn't date for an entire year until I felt that I was fully healed and ready to get back out there. I’d lost some weight, put on some muscle and got some nice new clothes. And as a first step, I finally asked out this incredibly beautiful woman who worked at a store that always took time to talk to me and seemed very interested. She was about 10 years younger than me (I was in my early 40s) and seemed like such a sweet and beautiful person. Screw those people on dating sites...this girl was a winner!
Oh, how foolish we men can be at times.
To make a long story short, this girl ended up being a train wreck the likes of which I hadn't encountered before. I'll spare anyone reading this the details, but suffice to say she was a piece of work. Definitely not girlfriend material and didn't want to date me...but said quite honestly that if I spent a little money on her we could definitely have a FWB relationship. I should mention again that this woman was nearly model quality attractive but I'd had enough of dealing with women who were hot in bed but didn't have much to offer beyond that. So, I turned her down, cut my ties with her and decided that maybe online dating wasn't so bad after all.
I fired up and updated my old dating profiles and kept my time on the sites very limited. About a week later a woman liked my profile but for some reason she lived an hour away. I had thought my settings stated that I only wanted to meet women 25 miles away or closer, but it seemed the last time I had used the website (OKC) I had changed the setting to allow women up to 50 miles away to see my profile in their searches. I normally wouldn't have traveled that far but the girl seemed real nice so I made the trip and met her. She was a nice, attractive girl who had her act together but after two dates there just wasn't any spark and we parted ways.
A few days after this another girl liked my profile who was also an hour away. But here's the kicker...her profile was completely blank and only had one picture where you could barely see her in the background. I would normally ignore this type of profile but I figured what the hell, who knows what could happen? We talked a bit but she seemed very stand offish. Wouldn't tell me her name or update her profile. She then disappeared and I figured it possibly a fake account, a married woman or one of the many time wasters that you find on most dating sites and thought nothing of it.
About a week later, this mysterious person messages me and says that she will be in my area this weekend and would I be interested in meeting? Still no name or better pictures. I already had another date set up for the following Monday, so I thought once more, well...why not? We made plans to meet and I honestly gave it a 50/50 chance of her even showing up. The day arrives and she's not there. I get a text that she's running late and won't be there for another 30-40 minutes. I'm pretty annoyed as I'm dressed and on time and she's nowhere to be found. I decide to go on a walk but after 45 minutes had gone by, I told myself this was a big waste of time and started heading for my car.
I'm almost there when I get a text. She's at the cafe and waiting for me. So, I go in...and sure enough, there she is. After asking her to please tell me her name (which she does) we sit down and the conversation just flows. Three hours pass like three minutes and I hug her goodbye and tell her that I'd like to see her again. I follow up and make plans to see her for dinner in a few days.
I do meet the other lady that I'd already made plans with. She's obnoxious and keeps talking about her ex-husband. Can't wait to leave. I give it an hour and half a beer and I leave knowing that I never want to see her again. But I can't stop thinking about that blue-eyed girl I'd met over the weekend...
Well the moral of this story is that blue eyed girl and I are getting married in a few months. After our second date we became pretty much inseparable and the past few years have been wonderful. I'm 45 and for many years thought I'd never get married or ever find someone to share my life with. And yes, it took me a long time to finally meet the right girl but a lot of that time was due to me dealing with life altering events that took years to resolve and heal from.
I'm no expert but I'd like to think that my experiences have granted me a little wisdom that I can share. First off let's face facts - online dating isn't a picnic and I do believe that the majority of people on there shouldn't be there. These companies don't make money by people finding true love and happiness...they make money from people who are lonely and/or horny. The most important bit of advice I'd give is to set limits on how much time you spend on there. If it becomes your only source of meeting people eventually it will mess with your head. If it becomes too much, take a break.
There are good people on those dating sites. But they are not easy to find. And you can't place all the blame on everyone else. I remember many times where I would message dozens of women and get no replies. Then I would get upset and start projecting this negativity to the few women that did contact me. That's when it is time to step back and reassess yourself. And as much as some people don't want to hear this, online dating is a market and there is A LOT of competition. Take good pictures. Write a good (and positive!) profile. Read good quality online dating blogs, talk to people who have had long term success. If you're not having a lot of luck, consider upping your game. Get some new clothes, lose some weight, hit the gym and pick up some new interests. Get out there and research nice and/or classy places to meet people, check out the venues so when you do talk to someone you want to meet, you can make plans easily.
Don't waste time wondering why people ghost you. It happens and some people are lame. F--k 'em. And remember, you're not there to meet your soulmate, the love of your life or prince charming. You are on the dating site for one reason and one reason only: to find someone to go on a date with. The biggest downside of dating sites is that you have no idea who is sitting in front of that computer on the other side. So, you have to be smart about it. Keep your expectations low until that person is sitting in front of you. That's when it's business and usual and time to see if they are right for you. And that requires time, patience and lots of dates. Until that first face to face, you don't know a damn thing about them so you don't want to waste too much time trying to find out.
This is getting a bit long but I'll offer one final bit of advice. A very wise and experienced online dater once told me that he only logged on once a day after work. He'd log in, check his messages and respond if necessary and then he'd look over the profiles and try to find 1-3 new women to write to. If he didn't find any, he'd log out. If he did find any that struck his fancy, he'd send a quick and polite message to them and then log out. And unless he got an email message telling him that someone had written him back, he wouldn't log back in until the next day. He also took regular breaks from the dating sites when he felt he needed it.
YMMV, but I found this to be some of the best advice I've heard for preventing online dating burnout. It worked for me but I had to learn things the hard way. Online dating is difficult, but it doesn’t have to be a chore and if you approach it with a healthy mindset without investing too much emotionally, it can be a lot of fun.
If anyone manages to read all this, I hope you find something useful in what I shared. Stay positive, stay strong and don't give up. I never thought it would happen to me, but all it takes is being in the right place at the right time. And a little luck never hurts either.
I'm actually surprised you were okay with meeting a woman with a very unclear photo to be honest.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,936 posts, read 37,171,503 times
Reputation: 40641
Quote:
Originally Posted by Formerly Known As Twenty
I had *no* photo of me on my profile, yet my boyfriend still chose to meet up with me. Nearly two years later, we're both glad that he did.
I've met people with no photo. Was quite common 15 or so years ago. Have done so recently too. Why not? It's also common for women, even currently, to put up less than flattering photos of themselves purposefully so that they try to discourage guys who are looks obsessed.
I've met people with no photo. Was quite common 15 or so years ago. Have done so recently too. Why not? It's also common for women, even currently, to put up less than flattering photos of themselves purposefully so that they try to discourage guys who are looks obsessed.
I think the “less than flattering” photo is a great idea! I’ve messaged with men who have no profile photo. They indicate it’s a privacy issue, but once we exchange numbers and get off of the app, we don’t end up meeting because they still won’t send a pic but have mine. That’s when I decide there’s more going on than just a strong need for the value of inside over outside.
i had a lot more luck with online dating before it became super mainstream with all the swipe apps. i didnt message tons of people, but i read profiles and made sure to only message people who i felt would be a good match. i usually got replies back and setting up dates was pretty easy. never got completed "ghosted" on meeting up.
now that i am trying online dating again in 2020 things have changed a lot. in the swipe apps no one writes profiles so you dont really know anything about anyone you are trying to connect with. people tend to disappear. a lot of the older profile/message based sites like OKC seem to have adopted a swipe model and have a lot less people now.
probably easier to just rely on meeting people in real life and just keep a dating site on the side and not expect much
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