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The rule should be: try lying only to prevent hurting the situation or the spouse. But try to be truthful in other places, so the spouse can still trust you.
Lie only as long as it doesn't HURT the spouse.
Lie to help, not to hurt
Of course it's best not to do things that would need you to lie, but if it happens...
Tough to define "hurt" sometimes, as some people will flip out over burnt toast, let alone the strip club scenario (btw that ones just not worth it).
Reason and logic don't always factor in these discussions, at least in my life.
Personally I find this topic very challenging, and thank the OP for posting it. I look forward to other responses.
Location: Everybody is going to hurt you, you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for-B Marley
9,516 posts, read 20,030,264 times
Reputation: 9418
Quote:
Originally Posted by reed067
At what point do you lie to your spouse/Gf/Bf? Where do you draw the line at being totally honest with them? Do you really tell them that they are starting to put on weight? Do you dare tell your wife/Gf that her butt looks big in that dress? What about more personal things like sex? Do your tell them that they are lacking in the bedroom? Do you tell your Gf/wife that you & your buddies went to the local strip club after work? What is acceptable NOT tell your spouse/gf/bf?
That is without getting killed or worse!!
Yes, you can tell them they're putting on weight. If you say, BS, people know when they're putting on weight, you'd be wrong. There's this thing called body image and it's usually better or worse for the person who owns it than it actually is. Also, with other people lying so much; Wow, you look great!, it can mislead people into thinking they look better than they do. Tell your spouse the truth. There are ways to say things and there are ways not to say things. Use common sense and compassion.
Absolutely you talk about sex and what's good and what's not. Again, it's all in how you say it.
Tell her you went to a strip club? Sure, if you're man enough for her response, why not?
If it comes up, I tend to do what I do with all people: ask myself if what I'd be saying is hurtful. If it is, ask myself if saying what's on my mind is worth hurting somebody, or if there will be a worse repercussion if I don't say what I'm thinking of saying. Some things don't need to be said so badly that it's worth being disrespectful of somebody I care about's feelings. If it's not worth it, I don't need to say it. If it's truly something that needs to be brought up, I figure out the least offensive way. Why would I want to hurt somebody I care about if I don't have to?
Opting NOT to say everything that pops into one's head isn't necessarily being "dishonest."
Location: Everybody is going to hurt you, you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for-B Marley
9,516 posts, read 20,030,264 times
Reputation: 9418
Quote:
Originally Posted by TabulaRasa
If it comes up, I tend to do what I do with all people: ask myself if what I'd be saying is hurtful. If it is, ask myself if saying what's on my mind is worth hurting somebody, or if there will be a worse repercussion if I don't say what I'm thinking of saying. Some things don't need to be said so badly that it's worth being disrespectful of somebody I care about's feelings. If it's not worth it, I don't need to say it. If it's truly something that needs to be brought up, I figure out the least offensive way. Why would I want to hurt somebody I care about if I don't have to?
Opting NOT to say everything that pops into one's head isn't necessarily being "dishonest."
Knowing when to not say something is just as important as knowing when to say it, as not everything in our heads should reach our lips.
Directed towards the OP..
Honesty to me is everything...period and end of story...
Telling me that I have gained weight? Especially if it is gradual and I cannot tell until my fave pair of jeans do not fit and I need to do karate kicks to fit in them?
I have been through this and I have stated to my ex..."Why did you not tell me I was becoming a fatty" his reply was "It is not that bad.." ugg...
I have told people I love tell me something...that tells me you care about me...
But being nice is key...
As far as something that does not look good? Especially if I am on the fence? I want an honest opinion...its as simple as "I like the other dress that one makes your boobs look good"
Regarding the strip club? You better tell me! Total deal breaker...
My philosophy? I cannot get pissed at you if you are honest...I would hear a dozen hard truths over one lie.. period..this to me means I CAN TRUST YOU...
I live my life on truth and honesty..I always state.."Never ask if you do not want to know the truth" And I have gained the respect of friends and family for my standpoint because I expect to be dealt with in kind...
A lie no matter how small, to me? Makes me lose trust due to the reality that states..." If you can lie to me about something this microscopic what happens when its macro-level?"
Directed towards the OP..
Honesty to me is everything...period and end of story...
Telling me that I have gained weight? Especially if it is gradual and I cannot tell until my fave pair of jeans do not fit and I need to do karate kicks to fit in them?
I have been through this and I have stated to my ex..."Why did you not tell me I was becoming a fatty" his reply was "It is not that bad.." ugg...
I have told people I love tell me something...that tells me you care about me...
But being nice is key...
As far as something that does not look good? Especially if I am on the fence? I want an honest opinion...its as simple as "I like the other dress that one makes your boobs look good"
Regarding the strip club? You better tell me! Total deal breaker...
My philosophy? I cannot get pissed at you if you are honest...I would hear a dozen hard truths over one lie.. period..this to me means I CAN TRUST YOU...
I live my life on truth and honesty..I always state.."Never ask if you do not want to know the truth" And I have gained the respect of friends and family for my standpoint because I expect to be dealt with in kind...
A lie no matter how small, to me? Makes me lose trust due to the reality that states..." If you can lie to me about something this microscopic what happens when its macro-level?"
i believe you always have to be honest with your s/o especially if you are married, i have always, always been honest with my s/o, if your s/o or spouse knows you have lied to them it will damage your relationship forever, you will never be able to trust them again. honesty is always the key to a happy relationship, if you dont have honesty then you have nothing.
i believe you always have to be honest with your s/o especially if you are married, i have always, always been honest with my s/o, if your s/o or spouse knows you have lied to them it will damage your relationship forever, you will never be able to trust them again. honesty is always the key to a happy relationship, if you dont have honesty then you have nothing.
Exactly...but taking it further...
Would you trust someone with your life if they were not honest?
Meaning having the guts to "Keep it real" I have learned in this life and I am 37..
I would rather hear the hard truth than some sugr coated crap...
Tell me I m fat...tell me I am wrong and state why...Tell me the way I am living my life is not right...
Tell me what you are up too..tell me why..lets discuss and if it is not going to work? Let us be done with it instead of prolonging the inevitable..
Let us save years of being miserable and living a lie rather than ending **** and looking for happiness...
My fave saying actually derives from a childrens book...Dr Suess..."Sayb what you mean and mean what you say" Easy enough right? Not..I have grown to know that common sense is not so common...
Exactly...but taking it further...
Would you trust someone with your life if they were not honest?
Meaning having the guts to "Keep it real" I have learned in this life and I am 37..
I would rather hear the hard truth than some sugr coated crap...
Tell me I m fat...tell me I am wrong and state why...Tell me the way I am living my life is not right...
Tell me what you are up too..tell me why..lets discuss and if it is not going to work? Let us be done with it instead of prolonging the inevitable..
Let us save years of being miserable and living a lie rather than ending **** and looking for happiness...
My fave saying actually derives from a childrens book...Dr Suess..."Sayb what you mean and mean what you say" Easy enough right? Not..I have grown to know that common sense is not so common...
yes, i have grown to know this too, i have always been honest, i dont hide anything, but in the past two months, somebody very close to me, i found out has been hiding things from me and not being honest with me, its one of the worst feelings in the world to find this out, sooooo hurtful. especially since i have never done this to them.
Not sure if this is off topic or not, as when I read the topic title I had a different impression. Basically there is a major line between lying and not telling someone something. As for the "how they look questions", well I think that is common sense. I wouldn't be honest with anyone that is female about that.
But when it comes to things you've done, I would say that it's much worse to be asked and lie, than to just not tell her. In many cases if you don't bring it up, such as the strip club, she will never find out. In my opinion there is no harm done there. However if I kept that from my wife and then she asked me, I would tell her the truth. Getting caught in a lie can erode trust. And this trust will be very hard to get back. Some people just have it in their nature to lie to avoid situations. The problem with this is that if they are caught, then you question everything they tell you. I've never lied to my wife about anything significant that she has point blank asked me about. Have I kept things from her, fudged the exact time I left work, or how much money I spent on something? Of course. But anything where she could possibly find out the truth, she gets it from me the first time she asks it.
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