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One big thing I am not seeing in these responses is this:
If you are going to be telling him or her about something that they cannot change, then please do not do it!!! for example, if you tell me you really are not happy with my height, I can not work on that for you~
make it constructive. whatever you are being honest about, make sure the other person can change it or work on it.
And as far as the strip club thing-if it would just hurt her, why bother? If all you are doing is hanging out with no ill intentions, and she is not the open-minded sort, I would not say anything.
It all depends on your intent there.
Sorry you are having a hard time in your relationship
And it sounds like you are having some health problems too, which can always make everything seem so much worse. Hope things work out on both fronts for you real soon.
You asked, if he isn't doing anything wrong, "why deny?"
Well, I've known of situations sort of like you are describing. And not to make excuses for your guy, but sometimes when people are feeling as though their partner is being too controlling they will get more tight lipped about what they are doing, even when they aren't doing anything wrong. They just start to keep things to themselves and be less open with their thoughts and activities as a way of maintaining what control they can.
Basically, it sounds like you two are caught in some kind of power struggle. Ask yourself, is it possible he feels you are being too controlling? (not saying you are, just giving you food for thought).
23 years together is a LONG time. Hope you are both able to get back to a team approach to your relationship and work the issues out
No, its not controlling issues, or a power struggle, just innocent questions i asked at different times, and was told no by this person, and i never gave it another thought untill i stumbled upon it and realized he had been lying to me all along about different things, why? it was such a non-issue when i first asked, but it became a big issue because of the lies, sneekieness, being dishonest, there was no reason to lie, but this has happened in the past with worse things i cant mention here, so i should have known better. you put your complete trust in somebody and when you loose that, where do you go from there? if a person is going to lie and be dishonest about such unimportant things, what else are they lying about, it just says a lot about a persons character and integratiy. I do not lie, hide anything, and i am always honest with him, i just expected the same in return and i didnt get that respect.
No, its not controlling issues, or a power struggle, just innocent questions i asked at different times, and was told no by this person, and i never gave it another thought untill i stumbled upon it and realized he had been lying to me all along about different things, why? it was such a non-issue when i first asked, but it became a big issue because of the lies, sneekieness, being dishonest, there was no reason to lie, but this has happened in the past with worse things i cant mention here, so i should have known better. you put your complete trust in somebody and when you loose that, where do you go from there? if a person is going to lie and be dishonest about such unimportant things, what else are they lying about, it just says a lot about a persons character and integratiy. I do not lie, hide anything, and i am always honest with him, i just expected the same in return and i didnt get that respect.
I see how hurt you are and I'm so sorry for you
Maybe what feels like sneakiness and dishonesty to you is just him trying to be more in control of his own life?
Like maybe something is going on in his life that makes him feel powerless, so he takes "control" where he can? (a job loss or just a sucky job maybe?) Just throwing out possibilities to help you figure out how things got off track.
If you have really lost all trust the next thing to go is all respect. And once that's gone, it's hard to maintain a relationship.
Have you discussed your feelings with him in depth so he knows how wounded you feel? Like I said earlier, 23 years is such an investment of time that if you can figure out what happened you might still be able to repair things.
Maybe what feels like sneakiness and dishonesty to you is just him trying to be more in control of his own life?
Like maybe something is going on in his life that makes him feel powerless, so he takes "control" where he can? (a job loss or just a sucky job maybe?) Just throwing out possibilities to help you figure out how things got off track.
If you have really lost all trust the next thing to go is all respect. And once that's gone, it's hard to maintain a relationship.
Have you discussed your feelings with him in depth so he knows how wounded you feel? Like I said earlier, 23 years is such an investment of time that if you can figure out what happened you might still be able to repair things.
thanks for your concern, yes he knows how hurt i am right now, the problem is, he doesnt care, ,wont talk, or discuss feelings, he has pretty much been a loner all his life, if i bring anything up, he screams so loud the neighbors can hear, if i start crying its worse, he yells louder and then mocks me because im crying, and its hard to repair things when i am the only one who wants it , he doesnt speak to me unless i say something to him first, an then it justs ends up with him screaming at me and me crying. 23 yrs is a long time but you cant fix things if only one of you wants it.
If I am asked a specific question then I give an honest answer. Does that dress look bad on her... Well ladies I hate to tell ya but sometimes it does and I'm honest about it. I will admit there are things I don't openly tell the GF about. She doesn't need to know about the strippers at the bachelor party or the $500 I spent on some misc toy. But if she asked directly I would tell her the truth.
Way I look at it is she is with me because of who I am. I was honest with her in the years before we were dating and I've been honest with her as long as we've been together. See no reason to change.
Yeah...it's just fidelity and finances. No big deal. She doesn't need to know about that. Those things don't affect relationships at all.
At what point do you lie to your spouse/Gf/Bf? Where do you draw the line at being totally honest with them? Do you really tell them that they are starting to put on weight? Do you dare tell your wife/Gf that her butt looks big in that dress? What about more personal things like sex? Do your tell them that they are lacking in the bedroom? Do you tell your Gf/wife that you & your buddies went to the local strip club after work? What is acceptable NOT tell your spouse/gf/bf?
That is without getting killed or worse!!
I always tell a women the absolute truth or say nothing at all which drives them crazy. Somethings my silence gives them the answer they dreaded to hear. I always expect lies from women. A lying women is OK in my book, I just don't know why other men get so bent out of shape about it. People lie when they are uncomfortable. So I never lie to a female I either tell the truth or don't answer.
thanks for your concern, yes he knows how hurt i am right now, the problem is, he doesnt care, ,wont talk, or discuss feelings, he has pretty much been a loner all his life, if i bring anything up, he screams so loud the neighbors can hear, if i start crying its worse, he yells louder and then mocks me because im crying, and its hard to repair things when i am the only one who wants it , he doesnt speak to me unless i say something to him first, an then it justs ends up with him screaming at me and me crying. 23 yrs is a long time but you cant fix things if only one of you wants it.
I hope you guys will agree to go talk to someone and see if you can work this out.
Sometimes when both people in a relationship are hurt and feeling misunderstood they just withdraw more into themselves, further aggravating the situation and putting more distance between them.
A good mediator/therapist can help each person to feel validated and get the couple to share more empathy for each others positions. Please don't give up on 23 years together without first trying this
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