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update- he spilled the beans and told her everything and taht he wants to do it involving licking the knife after cutting her etc- i asked her if she had heard enough she says she doesnt belive him hes just syaing that he wouldnt do it. I am showing this to her so somone pelase talk some sense into her THANKS!!
Questions your friend needs to answer:
Is she willing to take the chance that she's wrong?
If she is willing and it turns out she is wrong, how does she think she'll extricate herself from the situation?
Does she really want to take the chance of being cut, raped, choked, etc?
Tell her people who go on to kill/hurt significant others are not like in the movies, where they are all scary all the time from the get go. They are almost always "nice' and "normal" enough to lure someone in. See: Ted Bundy or almost any garden variety abusive relationship. If such people set off red flags for everyone there would be no victims. Why would she even want to take the chance that she's falling into a deadly trap? Is some dude she barely knows worth that kind of risk?
All the things she likes in him can be found in someone who does not say/do those things. Is her problem that she doesn't believe she can find it in anyone else? Maybe she doesn't have faith in herself to do better? If so reassure her that there's better out there for her. As scary as it is to leave what seems like it could be a good thing, it is even scarier to stay and find out she was really, really wrong about him.
Rent Henry:Portrait of a Serial Killer and show it to her. Ask her if she wants to be that girl at the end.
If she doesnt leave him here is what's coming next--
He wont let her visit her friends.
He wont let her visit her family.
He wont want her to work because "he can support her."
He will have a list of things to tell the ER doctors to explain the bruising and fractures.
It wont be until they pull her bloated body out of the landfill that they realize just how many fractures there were.
Then all you have are old,sad,confused friends left saying "we tried to tell her."
This reminds me of Kurt Cobain, Rising Sun (film) and Ricky Martin.
Is the guy cheating who knows, but what we do know is that there are a great number of people who like choking/asphyxiation during sex. And even the beloved Ricky Martin likes a little golden shower ever once and awhile.
First of all, her denial is a problem. What I see is the biggest problem though, is that she knows how worried you are, yet she continues to share these things with you. So either she is getting off on your reaction, or deep down she's really scared.
Personally, I think she's getting off on your reaction. You are feeding into an enabling relationship. You are enabling her to continue this type of behavior. It's up to her to protect herself...and it's up to YOU to protect yourself. Don't allow yourself to be manipulated any longer. Get out. Run. Whatever you need to do. Because if it's all true....he's going to come home...he may date her...and if he does, she's going to get off on telling him how much you hate him. He's not going to like you. And he's crazy. You will lose your friend one way or the other, may as well be on your terms.
Another thing...you may actually be helping her by stepping away. Because by stepping away, she has no outlet for her stories. She will then have to actually rethink some things, instead of relying on YOUR reaction to get her through the day.
She cares about herself less than you do. And she cares about you less than you do. It's ultimately her fault and her decision. It's obvious the guy's a nut. She's not oblivious to that. She feels that she's getting something out of this relationship...don't let that be you and your worry.
The guy sounds like he's just into kinky sex, is all. Actually, urination (called "Golden Showers" among its practitioners) on one or another between sex partners is a not-all-that-uncommon fetish. As is the choking thing; that's called "auto-asphyxiation" and is usually done at the moment of orgasm so as to intensify it. (Of course, timing and the correct pressure for this practice are crucial. LOL)
The cutting thing is also pretty popular, especially among teens, for some reason. Usually people who engage in this pratice are suffering from depression, and some mental health people say they do it because the pain of the cutting releases "feel good" neurotransmitters in the brain, like serotonin and endorphins and such. It's the body's way of coping with pain.
(BTW: the DrummerBoy engaged in ONE of these erotic practices many years ago with a, shall we say, devoted fan of my band, but, while candidness allows me to admit this, decorum prevents me from specifiying which one it was.)
I'm wondering if this Army dude is an Iraqi vet? A lot of those cats are coming home with PTSD. I work with a couple, and their freinds also come in the gym, and from what I've seen some of them seem to be pretty unstable emotionally and have quick tempers.
Bottom line advice: The DrummerBoy gives this dude a 3.5 on the five-point 'Crazy as a Road Lizard" scale, and I strongly advise your friend to drop him like a bad habit.
Last edited by DrummerBoy; 10-10-2011 at 02:26 PM..
update- he spilled the beans and told her everything and taht he wants to do it involving licking the knife after cutting her etc- i asked her if she had heard enough she says she doesnt belive him hes just syaing that he wouldnt do it. I am showing this to her so somone pelase talk some sense into her THANKS!!
Cheating? Lying? Known him 3 months, how much time have they spent together if hes away?
There is no relationship as far as I can see. I would have called his military branch by now.
He's cheating on her. He said he would show her his emails when he returned from duty, but by then, he will have scared her away or killed her. If he likes hurting women so much, he is probably going to beat her till she bleeds for anything "wrong" that she says. This is how it's going to start. Then, if he doesn't rape her then and there and cuts her and then takes her to a cemetary where he will rape her again and dump her body in a shallow grave. then he soon will. It's only a matter of time. She should leave him before he escalates. But I have a feeling she won't leave him until he at least beats her.
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