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Four months into a relationship and she's already talking about marriage, kids, and a home?
At 22 years of age?
RUN!
P.S. Pregnancies don't "just happen" and "she might just get pregnant before you want her to." If you don't want her to get knocked up, you'd best be wrapping that rascal and insisting she use a female form of contraception.
What's wrong with wanting a marriage and family at 22 or even before? If you really want these things and are ready, I don't think you should be ostracized.
What's wrong with wanting a marriage and family at 22 or even before? If you really want these things and are ready, I don't think you should be ostracized.
I'll add that they are not high school sweethearts who have been together for five or six years. They've only been dating for a few months. They don't know each other well enough to consider it.
What's wrong with wanting a marriage and family at 22 or even before? If you really want these things and are ready, I don't think you should be ostracized.
I think most of us here, with varying degrees of intensity, are trying to tell the OP that if he's NOT ready, then don't 'take the plunge'...
As Yzette had said in an earlier post, she has lady friends around her age (40's) that are constantly lamenting having done so (marriage/kids) before they were ready...
If the young man is having cold feet, and wants to wait til he's ready, and realizes what a deep and important step that kind of commitment can be to someone young, then by all means, he should wait, and let the young lady know he may not be ready to take that step just yet...it would save BOTH of them an inordinate amount of heartache...
It doesn't seem like she's talking "Let's get married tomorrow!" She is laying out what she expects in a relationship over the long term. At 4 months, you should know that so neither of you are wasting each other's time.
At 22, I left a relationship that was heading toward marriage because of a lot of factors - but a big one was that I didn't want to settle down that early.
6 months later I was diagnosed with cancer and, because I had no partner, was not covered by insurance to freeze my eggs (freezing embryos would have been an option and covered by my insurer). I didn't have $14,000 to pay for fertility treatments and egg banking. I was only 4 months into my first job! So now I am 23 and most likely cannot have biological children of my own.
Moral of the story - you might now have "your whole life ahead of you" at 22. Things happen. There's no harm in making plans so that you are prepared and letting your partners know what you want so you don't wake up one morning after 2 years together and realize that those were 2 years that you could have spent finding someone who shared your ideals and goals about your life.
It's like another post said, she's not telling me to go and have kids tomorrow, rather she's just telling me what she wants out of relationship or any relationship and that's to have a kid within 5 years. Within 5 years, I can deal with...6 months...a year from now? Probably not. You just can't have a kid and expect everything to be fine. Stuff like that takes planning.
What's wrong with wanting a marriage and family at 22 or even before? If you really want these things and are ready, I don't think you should be ostracized.
I think it's fine too. I know plenty of people who got married at that age and are fine. That doesn't mean everyone should or wants to.
It's like another post said, she's not telling me to go and have kids tomorrow, rather she's just telling me what she wants out of relationship or any relationship and that's to have a kid within 5 years. Within 5 years, I can deal with...6 months...a year from now? Probably not. You just can't have a kid and expect everything to be fine. Stuff like that takes planning.
Im not seeing your problem. She told you she wants marriage and kids in her future (before she is 30) while you were discussing your futures.
Does she have a career plan that will make it possible for her to start a family in 5 years? Perhaps finding a compatable mate that wants children and wants to be a provider is the first step in her long term plan.
It's like another post said, she's not telling me to go and have kids tomorrow, rather she's just telling me what she wants out of relationship or any relationship and that's to have a kid within 5 years. Within 5 years, I can deal with...6 months...a year from now? Probably not. You just can't have a kid and expect everything to be fine. Stuff like that takes planning.
You are a smart and responsible young guy to understand the implications of marriage and for being aware of what she wants. Marriage DOES take work, and I agree that most women tend to know right away who "Mr. Right" is before "Mr. Right" himself actually does..(isnt that usually the case, lol).
But in all seriousness, she has laid out her long term goals for this relationship - and thats all fine and dandy. Many family-oriented women who dont want to throw away the best years of their lives (20s) usually know what they want from a partner and are vocal about it. Most women secretly feel that way but just naiively assume the man they are dating will one day *magically* propose and become the Fiance instead of Boyfriend..(doesnt always happen that way though).. If shes telling you this now, after only a few months of dating - consider yourself lucky. You now are on notice of her true intentions and should not blame yourself for her pushing the issue further along at the 1 year or 2 year anniversary mark.
Heres a solution though - how about both of you sit down and set a mutually agreed upon date to re-visit this topic and see whether the relationship is worth pursuing?? Right now, you should explain to her that you think marriage is a very serious commitment and one you really don't want to entertain with a woman until you are 99% sure she is the right one..and after 4 months of dating, thats just not a long enough period. Tell her that maybe you guys should continue dating for at least a 8 months to a year, that way if you decide your goals of marriage/kids with HER, specifically are an option, then you will consider engagement..But if you know right NOW that you dont even WANT to marry her,,at ANY point, then please do her a favor and let her go.
If anything, I think a year of dating should be more than enough time to discover whether the person you are with is someone who you can realistically see yourself with in marriage, family, etc...This is what I did with my husband. After 6 months, I realized I could see myself marrying him and I told him I would be interested in that outcome--however, I was honest and said I had no intention of celebrating a 2 year anniversary without any promise from him about marriage..I spent much of my 20s in dead end relationships with guys who adopted a "wait and see" approach, only to be dumped after 3 years for another woman who caught his eye and became his wife only 6 months later... This actually happened to me in my early 20s, and for most women who want kids by age 30, this probably represents the worst case scenario..
So definitely sit down and tell her how you feel..Let her decide whether she should stick around knowing your feelings of hesitation...If you don't, then be honest with yourself and let her go...Its just the right thing to do...
P.S. Reading your original thread again, I may be in the minority for voicing this opinion but deep down I dont think she may be the woman for you. In my experience, most guys who marry usually know right away that she is "the one"..While I know there is no set time-line on when cupid's arrow is supposed to strike, its been my view that when a guy sees a woman who he can't bear to live without, he will want to marry her ASAP...This is how you see some guys proposing marriage to some women after 2 weeks or 1 month of dating..I'm not saying you are the odd one out - but its something to think about..
[Perhaps the reason you feel deep seated hesitation about marriage is because subconciously you know she may not be the one for you?? Its just a thought..(and of course, the other corollary is that some men get very complacent in their relationships to the point that after 5 years the woman has to give her boyfriend an ultimatum to nudge him toward the altar..this happened to 2 couples I know who loved each other but the husbands just dragged their feet on proposing beacuse thats just they way they were raised..).]
Last edited by LegalDiva; 10-24-2011 at 12:34 PM..
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We're Not Saying 'Ostracize' At All
This actually happened to me in my early 20s, and for most women who want kids by age 30, this probably represents the worst case scenario..
