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Location: Everybody is going to hurt you, you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for-B Marley
9,516 posts, read 20,033,063 times
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Seriously question; Is there anything your s/o or spouse could do that would absolutely change your mind about cheating on him/her? Or is it just something that's going to happen because it's what you crave?
I'm going to approach this from a different perspective. I am a guy and have NEVER cheated while I was in a committed and monogamous relationship.
However. About 50% of the women I have been with while I was single were either cheating on a boyfriend, significant other, fiance or husband.
I can say from those experiences, dealing with cheaters that nothing the men they were with could have done or changed about the relationship would have ever impacted whether or not the women they were with would cheat. It's not about the person who is being cheated on doing something different in the relationship or changing that could ever alter whether or not person they are with will cheat.
The core, and fundamental elements that determine if someone is going to be a cheater and engage in infidelity are entirely and completely about the person doing the cheating. It could be defined as a combination of personality and character traits that when existing together, along with certain social aspects and a physical (neuro-chemical/biochemical) predisposition to cheating or infidelity. In terms of a persons character they include: lack of integrity, self absorbed, little or no risk from remorse and or a significant lack of empathy (for the person they are cheating on) and moderate to extreme narcissim, in the clinical sense of the term. And they are also good liars with an innate ability decieve and manipulate.
In all but one of the cases where I was with a woman that was in a relationship, except for one (that one time was just fate bringing two mirrored souls together that were destined to share a few moments in time)- they all would have cheated at some point even if we had never met. That is what they are and will always be. Nothing the guy they were with would have ever changed that. In those cases, it was just hard wired into their brains, emotionally, psychologically and they had a high sex drive so a tendency towards it physically as well. The lack of remorse that was present also hinted at deeper problems that although including cheating were far more serious in terms of depth: like the lack of empathy, selfish behavior and the ability to mask a hidden life from someone else on such a level and with so many lies leaned towards a sociopathic twist to it all.
So, in conclusion, as I've been asked before. Why those women. I like women that cannot be tamed, are willing to do what they have to, to get what they want, and found within each one of them, a unique and interesting touch of evil. Not just in the cheating since that is just a symptom of more that is going on, but in their personalities overall. And while knowing exactly what I was dealing with, and handling that rare breed of female carefully, I was always able to get just as much from the relationship as they were and without having to committ to any of them. After all, who would want to live the same comfortable lie as the men they were with, when a sobering and realistic truth was right before your eyes. And, yeah the sex was always incredible.
In one situation, it was interesting to watch one of them "accidently" get caught and call me frantic about her husband finding out, and rushing over to my house that night and in the coming weeks proceed to move in and act like at that point, it was ok for our life together to start. In hindsight, I'm convinced she was absolutely delusional to think that after I saw what she did to her husband (and admitted to me she cheated on him numerous times well before I entered the picture) that I would actually want to be with her outside of having sex. Some of them actually enjoyed the cheating on some twisted pathological level because it was a secret and exciting, and I was just a tool for them to facilitate that. Others had some kind of regret but not enough to end it and or tell the guy they were with.
If any of them even put 20% of the time, effort and energy into the relationships that they were in that they put into maintaining the facade of cheating, they would have had great relationships. But, in closing: it was never about that and never is. Cheaters ultimately are users, not just of the people they are with but those that they are having an affair with.
Location: Everybody is going to hurt you, you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for-B Marley
9,516 posts, read 20,033,063 times
Reputation: 9418
Quote:
Originally Posted by Skydive Outlaw
I'm going to approach this from a different perspective. I am a guy and have NEVER cheated while I was in a committed and monogamous relationship.
However. About 50% of the women I have been with while I was single were either cheating on a boyfriend, significant other, fiance or husband.
I can say from those experiences, dealing with cheaters that nothing the men they were with could have done or changed about the relationship would have ever impacted whether or not the women they were with would cheat. It's not about the person who is being cheated on doing something different in the relationship or changing that could ever alter whether or not person they are with will cheat.
The core, and fundamental elements that determine if someone is going to be a cheater and engage in infidelity are entirely and completely about the person doing the cheating. It could be defined as a combination of personality and character traits that when existing together, along with certain social aspects and a physical (neuro-chemical/biochemical) predisposition to cheating or infidelity. In terms of a persons character they include: lack of integrity, self absorbed, little or no risk from remorse and or a significant lack of empathy (for the person they are cheating on) and moderate to extreme narcissim, in the clinical sense of the term. And they are also good liars with an innate ability decieve and manipulate.
In all but one of the cases where I was with a woman that was in a relationship, except for one (that one time was just fate bringing two mirrored souls together that were destined to share a few moments in time)- they all would have cheated at some point even if we had never met. That is what they are and will always be. Nothing the guy they were with would have ever changed that. In those cases, it was just hard wired into their brains, emotionally, psychologically and they had a high sex drive so a tendency towards it physically as well. The lack of remorse that was present also hinted at deeper problems that although including cheating were far more serious in terms of depth: like the lack of empathy, selfish behavior and the ability to mask a hidden life from someone else on such a level and with so many lies leaned towards a sociopathic twist to it all.
So, in conclusion, as I've been asked before. Why those women. I like women that cannot be tamed, are willing to do what they have to, to get what they want, and found within each one of them, a unique and interesting touch of evil. Not just in the cheating since that is just a symptom of more that is going on, but in their personalities overall. And while knowing exactly what I was dealing with, and handling that rare breed of female carefully, I was always able to get just as much from the relationship as they were and without having to committ to any of them. After all, who would want to live the same comfortable lie as the men they were with, when a sobering and realistic truth was right before your eyes. And, yeah the sex was always incredible.
In one situation, it was interesting to watch one of them "accidently" get caught and call me frantic about her husband finding out, and rushing over to my house that night and in the coming weeks proceed to move in and act like at that point, it was ok for our life together to start. In hindsight, I'm convinced she was absolutely delusional to think that after I saw what she did to her husband (and admitted to me she cheated on him numerous times well before I entered the picture) that I would actually want to be with her outside of having sex. Some of them actually enjoyed the cheating on some twisted pathological level because it was a secret and exciting, and I was just a tool for them to facilitate that. Others had some kind of regret but not enough to end it and or tell the guy they were with.
If any of them even put 20% of the time, effort and energy into the relationships that they were in that they put into maintaining the facade of cheating, they would have had great relationships. But, in closing: it was never about that and never is. Cheaters ultimately are users, not just of the people they are with but those that they are having an affair with.
Sky-O
I disagree. I know for a fact it's sometimes about a wife not being able to reach the husband in any way in telling him she's lonely and feels unwanted, undesirable and unnoticed by him. His excuse that he's working long hours and whatnot do nothing to ease the loneliness and dejection. This is a common response to being neglected as a spouse, male or female, when you can't get the other to hear you. Not an excuse, but and explanation.
I say complete and honest communication. Tell them you've had feelings of wanting to wander and exactly why.
I disagree. I know for a fact it's sometimes about a wife not being able to reach the husband in any way in telling him she's lonely and feels unwanted, undesirable and unnoticed by him. His excuse that he's working long hours and whatnot do nothing to ease the loneliness and dejection. This is a common response to being neglected as a spouse, male or female, when you can't get the other to hear you. Not an excuse, but and explanation.
Women create many reasons and excuses for why they cheat. That is without a doubt one of them. Created by the person that wants to cheat and needs to find a plausible reason to convince herself that she is not doing something wrong. A great reason (or "common response") to being neglected. There are countless other reasons for why a cheater cheats but regardless of the one, I have noticed the cheater never chooses to leave the relationship they are in, but rather. . . . engage in lying, deception, manipulation which are all a part of cheating and far worse than the alleged reason they choose for doing the cheating to begin with.
Common responses or reasons for the behavior is not a justification of the behavior on any level. Ever.
I'm going to approach this from a different perspective. I am a guy and have NEVER cheated while I was in a committed and monogamous relationship.
That's me too. I'm in a committed relationship right now with someone who has intimacy approach-avoidance issues, etc., and as a result there is no sex right now and for the foreseeable future. I could cheat, but I'm basically not capable of it. It's basically impossible for me to lead a double life. I'm also way too self-aware to think that it would somehow make me happy. It would produce more than enough stress and guilt and conflict to cancel out some short term pleasure and validation. I also know that I am not a worthwhile person because someone wants to have sex with me, and i'm not an unworthy person because someone doesn't want to.
My guess is that people either understand loyalty and commitment or they do not. It's very convenient to blame the victim but the truth is when someone cheats on you there's never a good excuse, only reasons. My partner has given me reason to cheat but not an excuse.
I think that there are many reasons that men and women cheat. Certainly some do it just for the fun and adventure. But there are many women and men who are married to people who don't love them and give them little or no sex. These people are starved for love and affection and many will turn to cheating.
These people are starved for love and affection and many will turn to cheating.
In terms of women, NEVER so starved for love and affection that
they will. . . . .
LEAVE THE RELATIONSHIP that they are in first, so that when they seek out that love and affection, they will not be cheating.
Why do that, when the idiot that they have already trained so well, will continue walking around in a delusional fog thinking that she loves him so that he continues doing everything he already was which could include making the mortgage payment, handling other life related stuff and of course. . . . still be there waiting for her when she is done cheating or the cheating doesn't work out as well as she had planned. Yeah, it's called not letting go of one branch until one has a firm grip on the other. Monkeys do that.
Location: Everybody is going to hurt you, you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for-B Marley
9,516 posts, read 20,033,063 times
Reputation: 9418
Quote:
Originally Posted by Skydive Outlaw
In terms of women, NEVER so starved for love and affection that
they will. . . . .
LEAVE THE RELATIONSHIP that they are in first, so that when they seek out that love and affection, they will not be cheating.
Why do that, when the idiot that they have already trained so well, will continue walking around in a delusional fog thinking that she loves him so that he continues doing everything he already was which could include making the mortgage payment, handling other life related stuff and of course. . . . still be there waiting for her when she is done cheating or the cheating doesn't work out as well as she had planned. Yeah, it's called not letting go of one branch until one has a firm grip on the other. Monkeys do that.
How about the case where he's not spending the money on bills but rather, recreational vehicles on himself; snowmobiles, a boat, a brand new 35k dollar pickup....?
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