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Hello everyone, this is going to be my first post, so pretty please go easy on me
Well, I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for nearly 5 months and everything seems alright. Like We both really care about each ohter. But as of lately, I really kinda feel like he's putting his buddies over me, like I feel that I have to fight and compete for his attention, since he's some-what charismatic and attracts a lot of people, in a friendly way of course, like people will always come to him for problems and whatnot. But I really didn't say anything about it, because I really didn't want to come off as being a selfish person. So I try to just dismiss my feelings of feeling neglected and that i'm just being paranoid.
Like..there will be times where I don't even feel like his girlfriend, and just one of his "buddies" and then I have to take number and wait in line just so that I can get to at least talk to him. I actually joked about it to him, though I was indirectly telling him how I was feeling, but he probably didn't really catch it, and just chuckeld saying "Heeeey c'moon, I can' help that i'm so awesome!!", and i'd respond with a smile and a polite chuckle, hiding the fact that I felt really bad and it seriously makes me feel like crap to the point where I could just cry
Maybe it's just because i'm a passive person by nature and try to give him as much space as I can, because I don't really want to be that typical obsessive girlfriend who constantly nags and nags on and on. And like..I also don't want to feel like i'm pulling him away from his friends you know?
And I have no intention of wanting to end our relationship because I feel like this; and maybe i'm just being a little paranoid about this whole thing!!
I feel a teeny bit better being able to vent. But I would also like to see what someone else thinks of this and either tell me i'm being paranoid or is this not a good situation that will hopefully change? I really need the advice now
Thank you so much for reading and sorry for the long post
You are still in a new relationship and it sounds like you two are over the initial "I must be totally with this person all of the time," or at least he is. Does he still make alone time with you when you have his total attention and I don't just mean at intimate times? If he still is taking time to spend activity time with you and quiet time with you then I don't think his being available to his friends is a problem. If you think there is a vibe of his pulling away from you, then that would be something else. You may be more needy that he is and if you feel secure in the relationship then try to settle your feelings. If you feel insecure then ask yourself why? Five months isn't a very long, so be patient and see what time will bring.
And to answer your first question, when he does make time for me, it's like something ALWAYS comes up, kinda like say if a buddy of his calls him and they're not doing okay, he'll like drop what he's doing and tend to them and i'm like "Huuuuh....?" I mean..I understand and respect his friend is in distress, but like...I can't help but feel like I got brushed aside you know? Or..there will be times when I take initiative and propose we have a bit of time together and he'd be like "Sure thing, babe!!" and then hours go by and he would send me a text saying that he "got kidnapped by his friends" so that totally destroyed my mood, and again, perhaps i'm just overreacting.
And you are very right. 5 months isn't really a long time, which also made me question my feelings. Like maybe if we were together for years and years, it'd be a totally different story. And I would like to believe I am a very patient person with a VERY high tolerance for people with the worst habits. So you I am sure as time passes things will improve! And I will admit that maybe I do seem a little needy, but not to the point where I HAVE to be with him at ALL times, since it can't really be helped. Again thankso much for the response
I would really like to hear what anyone else things of this
Last edited by Lady Bird; 08-29-2007 at 10:06 PM..
One last comment. When you do make plans to be with each other, he shouldn't leave you to take care of friend who is having a problem unless they are having a real emergency like a car broken down or something where they really need help. It would be rude to leave you to hang out with someone who is just bummed out.
Good luck.
Location: Life here is not an Apollo Mission. Everyone calm down.
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I have to say that you need to use that intuition of your's a bit more. If at times you feel like "a buddy," something is amiss.
I dated a man who one day I was his queen and the next he acted like I was a pain in his a$$. Ended up he was dating multiple women at the same time. How did I find out? He used my phone one day, I recalled the last number he dialed, which was his voice mail complete with pass-code, only to discover about a dozen women's voices all saying something like "Hi sweetie, it's me." Can you imagine how hard it would be to fool a dozen women into thinking they were the only women in his life? How does a man know which "it's me" is which?
He was VERY charismatic.
In hind sight I should have suspected something because he would forget what BS story he had told me and would tell you the same story over and over. So if something poignant happened to him, he would forget which girlfriend he told and end up telling you twice.
He also used his "kids" as an excuse not to see me. Remove "kids" and insert "buddies."
Honestly, if his ego made me feel like a little peon in his life....I'd get out.
Research Narcissistic Personality Disorder and see if you recognize anything else.
Honest and open communication is the only way to have a mature and healthy relationship. Being passive agressive doesn't allow him a chance to meet your needs. He's not a mind reader. My only suggestion would be to perhaps plan a romantic evening... one where neither of you are rushed to get anywhere or do anything else. Have a frank and open discussion about your feelings and see what he has to say.
Don't ever believe that a man will "get you" if you don't share what it is you want him to get.
It could be that he's testing his boundaries to see how much you'll put up with. You might want to try being alittle LESS AVAILABLE to him. You want him to realize you also have a life outside of him, and that you're not at his beck and call. Guys tend to respect something more if they have to work for it. Also, they tend not to get subtle hints, so if you don't actually TELL him what you want or feel, chances are "he doesn't really get it".
Good Luck.
Last edited by floridadreamer; 08-30-2007 at 06:50 AM..
It could be that he's testing his boundaries to see how much you'll put up with. You might want to try being alittle LESS AVAILABLE to him. You want him to realize you also have a life outside of him, and that you're not at his beck and call. Guys tend to respect something more if they have to work for it. Also, they tend not to get subtle hints, so if you don't actually TELL him what you want or feel, chances are "he doesn't really get it".
Good Luck.
I thought the same thing here. I would not get in a situation where he feels like he can take your presence for granted. As floridadreamer said, pursue some activities away from him. This is healthy anyway.
I also thought GHolt had some very good advice for you on this.
One last comment. When you do make plans to be with each other, he shouldn't leave you to take care of friend who is having a problem unless they are having a real emergency like a car broken down or something where they really need help. It would be rude to leave you to hang out with someone who is just bummed out.
Good luck.
I would beware of someone that so easily dismisses you just to basicly "hang out" but uses the excuse that it's an emergency. Why are his friends more important than you? I don't think in that case it matters how long you've been together. He should still have more respect for you than that, by tolerating it, it's only going to give him the idea you're willing to tolerate it.
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