Will my abusive Ex be different with his new girlfriend? (dating, boyfriend)
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Yeah she has her own place, he is more or less living there as he was staying with family since leaving prison! This new girl is the boss where he works, and her family own the place so he has more to loose I guess, which is what is making me think he may change for her. If he gets abusive he will likely loose his job and everything else, surely he wouldn't be stupid enough to risk that?
The girl only has "more to offer" because she is stupid enough to provide him with what he needs. Aside from a place to live and a job/$, when she looks @ him, she doesn't see his bad side, she doesn't see those deep dark secrets he keeps hidden....Her eyes don't hold the look of disgust...yet!
So no, it's not you. A guy fresh out of prison for absusing women doesn't magically find beautiful romantic love with a woman that can somehow change him into the perfect man. If anything, he comes out prison knowing better ways to scam people. Do not be fooled!
it is not your problem, so stay out of it. anything you say or do will only give him ammo to claim to her that YOU were always teh problem and never him. and drop ALL contact with him, you are only setting yourself up to get hurt emotionally and possibly physically.
Once an abuser always an abuser unless some very major changes go on that person's life.
You are well rid of him, just be thankful you got out alive instead of in a box like so many other abused women.
You move on by pampering yourself, going out with friends, finding new hobbies and putting an end to the endless dwelling on this man and his new girlfriend.
She's not going to change him just like you couldn't.
Repeat, stop dwelling on him, it doesn't help you.
Like said above: "Why should your care?". He treated you badly, he went to prison (by the time you have to do hard time youve been through the courts, typically more than once). You should have been relieved when he started seeing the other woman and left you? You were blessed in losing him, be done with it!
Thankyou everyone, thats really helpful. I know I shouldn't care and probably won't in time, but it's just hard getting over it all I guess. He flipped out with me over nothing, over me parking the car too far away from the shops, he said he wanted to punch me in the face just because he was getting angry that I had parked too far away from the take away shop and then I said I couldn't cope with an arguement that night. He went crazy and threatened me. I should've walked away then, but like you said, you blame yourself and think it's you. He went mad at me one day because I wouldn't reverse park the car, told em to take him home that I was pathetic. If I forgot how to get somewhere after only being once he called me Dumbo and pathetic. I think he is in denial. He shouted at me lot and never thought he was in the wrong. I think he thinks its the women that are making him like this, thats why he moves on when he feels himself becoming abusive, because he thinks it's them and not him.
Maybe he will change for the right woman?
He admitted to slapping another woman across the face and throwing an egg at her and then wondered why he blanked him in the street?! Crazy?
That sounds so classic. Finding the smallest reasons to go apesh.t. I'm going to tell you my story because I hope hearing my story helps you along. I know I would have loved to hear other people's stories of hope.
It's easy to say "I should have run away" but it's hard. You get caught up in the cycle too. Sometimes you don't have anywhere to go. I let her hit me for so long I went completely deaf. She had pulled a knife out on me several times. She had choked me more than once. It didn't get anywhere close enough to killing me but I did lose my voice for several days. At one point she slammed the door and it was on my three fingers. I had to be rushed to the ER and get my pinky sewed back on. I also had three fingers broken. (You can actually see the posts on my profile wall on this site about that. You can also find my posts from the week I ran away on this site.)
And that's just the physical abuse. She controlled our food intake. She refused to pay the heating bill. When I had two jobs and was completely beat from working through severe chronic pain, I came home and she expected me to do the laundry and mop and do all the other house cleaning, and run errands to buy her food. And of course, not doing what she asked me to meant things would escalate. I found myself lying to her just so I could eat. I would lie to her just so I could get a McDouble from McDonald's for a dollar cause I was so hungry. Some days that was the only thing I ate. She would steal my blind cane, and take away my hearing device, and my computer, and my braille-display. Basically, all the tools I used to function independently as a deaf-blind person. I admit, I wasn't completely innocent. After enough times of being hit, I lost it and did start hitting back. And one time, to illustrate how awful it is to have your disability aid taken away from you, I pretend to let one of her pet rats loose. Really I hid him in a drawer, but I wanted her to feel what it felt like when she took away all my disability aids.
You might ask, why the h3ll did I stay in that situation? The main reason I stayed is because she threatened to commit suicide if I ever left her. I didn't want to feel responsible for someone else's suicide. And I didn't want to be judged as the woman who made her kill herself. And the only reason I gained up the courage to leave is cause I had a roommate and we planned it together. I didn't even see how badly she was mistreating me until she hit him. That was the final straw for me. I realized we had to go.
I was terrified of leaving alone cause I was already totally deaf and blind, and had severe chronic pain from fibromyalgia and being hit. But my roommate made it possible cause I couldn't have gotten around without him. Both logistically and emotionally speaking. We both really thought she would kill herself. But at some point we had to realize it was for our safety. I full-on expected, the night I left, to find out that she had killed herself the night I ran away. But I prayed to God that God's light would come through and save her from her pain, and give her the inner-strength to heal from her own pain, instead of choosing darkness. I also prayed to God that if she didn't kill herself, she would not be after me. She didn't kill herself. In fact she tracked me down at the hotel and begged and begged to talk to me. I told her no and called the cops and everything, which got her to leave. But then after that she left me alone. But I was still scared so I moved back in with my dad. We didn't talk for about 2 months. Finally, on her birthday, I wished her a happy birthday and we started talking again. Sorry if it's emotional for me. This time last year I was still in the situation I just described, so it's still pretty recent.
It's not about "changing for the right woman". It's about him. He has to change his emotional patterns. He has to process whatever abuse he has been through. That's the only thing that changes an abuser. It's not about who they are with. They have to deal with their own stuff, within themselves, and then that has to manifest in the outside world. In other words, abuse starts on the inside and moves outward. There is nothing you or any other woman can do to change him. Only he can change him.
I watched my ex go through that process. In those two months, she slowly examined what caused us to get into that situation. Both she and I were abused so much growing up, I wouldn't even know where to start. She had sort of faced her history before, but not really. It was surface-deep. This time, she really went deep into herself, though. The healing was from the inside out. She got help. She processed her own traumas. She was so abusive because she was so abused. I sincerely believe every abuser is a former victim acting out on their own pain. She faced her own history of abuse but even more importantly than that, she admitted she abused me. She apologized. She forgave herself. I forgave her. We talk on the phone about 5 times a week now. She's one of my best friends now, and I truly and honestly in my heart believe she is a changed woman.
The very first step, though, was admitting something was wrong. It honestly did not occur to her how much she was hurting me until I left her. The fact your ex does not admit he was abusive or that he was in the wrong sends up red flags. It's that kind of blindness that leads someone to be able to hurt someone else. A lot of abusers rationalize their actions.
If he is not willing to admit that he abused you, or if he admits it but then rationalizes it, then I highly doubt he is in a place emotionally where he can catch himself before he falls into abusing someone else. That's just my opinion, based on having been in the same situation.
He needs to have the willingness and ability to examine himself on the deepest level. He needs to be willing to give up everything about his identity that he knew and rebuild himself from scratch. And he needs to be willing to forgive himself and ask you for forgiveness. All of that needs to happen before an abuser can become a truly changed person.
Last edited by nimchimpsky; 01-03-2012 at 11:39 PM..
He will abuse everyone he is with. It's not your problem anymore.
To be perfectly blunt - instead of asking if you think he will be different with his new girlfriend - you should be asking what you can do to make sure you don't get involved with an abuser again. Many women who are have been in one abusive relationship go on to be in more abusive relationships. Seek help. Look inside yourself and figure out why you allowed someone to treat you this way. Work on your self esteem. I'm not saying these things to be mean - I'm saying them because you need a wake up call otherwise your life could be in danger. It is not okay for someone to treat you the way that he did. I wouldn't allow someone to do that to me for one minute. You need to do the same from now on.
He will abuse everyone he is with. It's not your problem anymore.
To be perfectly blunt - instead of asking if you think he will be different with his new girlfriend - you should be asking what you can do to make sure you don't get involved with an abuser again. Many women who are have been in one abusive relationship go on to be in more abusive relationships. Seek help. Look inside yourself and figure out why you allowed someone to treat you this way. Work on your self esteem. I'm not saying these things to be mean - I'm saying them because you need a wake up call otherwise your life could be in danger. It is not okay for someone to treat you the way that he did. I wouldn't allow someone to do that to me for one minute. You need to do the same from now on.
Very important point! Thank you for bring that up, Dew.
OP, you need to examine your own emotional patterns too. You need to examine yourself and see how you landed in that abusive situation. Were you abused growing up? Even if it wasn't obvious, like being raped, were you raised to not really value yourself as a whole person? Did people ever cut you down for even little things? All of that can bring you to a place where you don't value yourself, and then you allow yourself to become the object of an abuser. Do you love yourself enough that you would not let yourself be hurt by another man? As easy as it is to put all the blame on the abuser, part of the reason abuse happens is also because the abuse victim lets it happen. The victim doesn't love and respect themselves enough to leave the situation. So you need to really evaluate where you are emotionally right now and see if you can come to a place where you respect yourself enough not to let another human being ever treat you like that again.
Thanks guys. I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I want to make this absolutely clear, I have never been abused. I grew up in a loving stable family, with loving parents who love each other to bits. My parents are both amazing people and I have two brothers who are amazing too and we are all very close. I totally disagree that its partly the victims fault for the abuse. I stood up to him, despite him thinking I didn't, I ended it on a number of occasions and he wouldn't leave me alone, called and called and harassed me with abuse. It is hard to get away from them, the only thing i could do was call the Police but I didn't because I thought he might change. I have been through alot of heartache in my life and admittidly my confidence is not at its best, and I think he knew that and played on it. I am building on my strength now and there is no way on this planet would I ever take him back. I cannot bear the man, I guess I am worried for his new gf's safety, but like you said, she wouldn't believe me. I believed him when he told me he didn't do anything wrong to his ex. He told me she was crazy, that she cheated on him all the time, and he never admitted to abusing her, or me. I guess I am struggling to come to terms with the fact he is an abuser is the problem. We were together before years ago, and he was never abusive, he treated me badly and I was a fool to take him back, but I thought he'd changed. I guess I always seem to see the good in people and I'm jsut trying to grasp that he is a horrible person. He harmed a cat one day too, kicked it, that repulsed me. I didn't think he was that sort of person so I guess now I am dealing with that. I have done alot of research on abusive men and he ticks every box and I am much more clear on what kinds of men to avoid now.
I guess I just needed reassurance it wasn't something I did to make him behave that way because he drilled it in to me that it wwas me. He even blamed him cheating on me. Said it was because I was this way he did it. I know deep down he is full of it and that he is the one who needs help not me, I guess it just helps to hear from people who have been through the same thing.
Thanks guys. I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I want to make this absolutely clear, I have never been abused. I grew up in a loving stable family, with loving parents who love each other to bits. My parents are both amazing people and I have two brothers who are amazing too and we are all very close. I totally disagree that its partly the victims fault for the abuse. I stood up to him, despite him thinking I didn't, I ended it on a number of occasions and he wouldn't leave me alone, called and called and harassed me with abuse. It is hard to get away from them, the only thing i could do was call the Police but I didn't because I thought he might change. I have been through alot of heartache in my life and admittidly my confidence is not at its best, and I think he knew that and played on it. I am building on my strength now and there is no way on this planet would I ever take him back. I cannot bear the man, I guess I am worried for his new gf's safety, but like you said, she wouldn't believe me. I believed him when he told me he didn't do anything wrong to his ex. He told me she was crazy, that she cheated on him all the time, and he never admitted to abusing her, or me. I guess I am struggling to come to terms with the fact he is an abuser is the problem. We were together before years ago, and he was never abusive, he treated me badly and I was a fool to take him back, but I thought he'd changed. I guess I always seem to see the good in people and I'm jsut trying to grasp that he is a horrible person. He harmed a cat one day too, kicked it, that repulsed me. I didn't think he was that sort of person so I guess now I am dealing with that. I have done alot of research on abusive men and he ticks every box and I am much more clear on what kinds of men to avoid now.
I guess I just needed reassurance it wasn't something I did to make him behave that way because he drilled it in to me that it wwas me. He even blamed him cheating on me. Said it was because I was this way he did it. I know deep down he is full of it and that he is the one who needs help not me, I guess it just helps to hear from people who have been through the same thing.
First of all - nobody is saying that it's the victim's fault. It isn't. It is never the victim's fault. What I am saying is that right now - you have a choice. You can get help to figure out why you stayed with this person and why you continue to go back and forth between thinking he was abusive to you and thinking that he wasn't abusive to you - or you can think that he's the only that needs help. You BOTH need help. I doubt getting help will change him - but it can change you. Reread your post and see the parts that I bolded. YOU DO NOT DESERVE TO BE TREATED THIS WAY. YOU ARE A PERSON AND YOU DESERVE KINDNESS AND RESPECT. DO NOT ACCEPT ANYTHING LESS THAN THAT EVER AGAIN. Please, please get help so that you don't find yourself with another person who treats you this way or even worse.
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