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Thanks guys. I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I want to make this absolutely clear, I have never been abused. I grew up in a loving stable family, with loving parents who love each other to bits. My parents are both amazing people and I have two brothers who are amazing too and we are all very close. I totally disagree that its partly the victims fault for the abuse. I stood up to him, despite him thinking I didn't, I ended it on a number of occasions and he wouldn't leave me alone, called and called and harassed me with abuse. It is hard to get away from them, the only thing i could do was call the Police but I didn't because I thought he might change. I have been through alot of heartache in my life and admittidly my confidence is not at its best, and I think he knew that and played on it. I am building on my strength now and there is no way on this planet would I ever take him back. I cannot bear the man, I guess I am worried for his new gf's safety, but like you said, she wouldn't believe me. I believed him when he told me he didn't do anything wrong to his ex. He told me she was crazy, that she cheated on him all the time, and he never admitted to abusing her, or me. I guess I am struggling to come to terms with the fact he is an abuser is the problem. We were together before years ago, and he was never abusive, he treated me badly and I was a fool to take him back, but I thought he'd changed. I guess I always seem to see the good in people and I'm jsut trying to grasp that he is a horrible person. He harmed a cat one day too, kicked it, that repulsed me. I didn't think he was that sort of person so I guess now I am dealing with that. I have done alot of research on abusive men and he ticks every box and I am much more clear on what kinds of men to avoid now.
I guess I just needed reassurance it wasn't something I did to make him behave that way because he drilled it in to me that it wwas me. He even blamed him cheating on me. Said it was because I was this way he did it. I know deep down he is full of it and that he is the one who needs help not me, I guess it just helps to hear from people who have been through the same thing.
See, you're continuing to ruminate over him and his behaviour.
Stop going there, it isn't helping your state of mind at all.
No-one has said any of this was your fault and you have had plenty of reassurance that he is an abusive man that you need to break free of.
There are many, many of us who have been through similar things. We move on to bigger and brighter futures but we have to choose to do that.
Thanks guys. I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I want to make this absolutely clear, I have never been abused. I grew up in a loving stable family, with loving parents who love each other to bits. My parents are both amazing people and I have two brothers who are amazing too and we are all very close. I totally disagree that its partly the victims fault for the abuse. I stood up to him, despite him thinking I didn't, I ended it on a number of occasions and he wouldn't leave me alone, called and called and harassed me with abuse. It is hard to get away from them, the only thing i could do was call the Police but I didn't because I thought he might change. I have been through alot of heartache in my life and admittidly my confidence is not at its best, and I think he knew that and played on it. I am building on my strength now and there is no way on this planet would I ever take him back. I cannot bear the man, I guess I am worried for his new gf's safety, but like you said, she wouldn't believe me. I believed him when he told me he didn't do anything wrong to his ex. He told me she was crazy, that she cheated on him all the time, and he never admitted to abusing her, or me. I guess I am struggling to come to terms with the fact he is an abuser is the problem. We were together before years ago, and he was never abusive, he treated me badly and I was a fool to take him back, but I thought he'd changed. I guess I always seem to see the good in people and I'm jsut trying to grasp that he is a horrible person. He harmed a cat one day too, kicked it, that repulsed me. I didn't think he was that sort of person so I guess now I am dealing with that. I have done alot of research on abusive men and he ticks every box and I am much more clear on what kinds of men to avoid now.
I guess I just needed reassurance it wasn't something I did to make him behave that way because he drilled it in to me that it wwas me. He even blamed him cheating on me. Said it was because I was this way he did it. I know deep down he is full of it and that he is the one who needs help not me, I guess it just helps to hear from people who have been through the same thing.
I had a feeling that would be misunderstood. I am not blaming you for what happened. I am just saying that it takes a person who doesn't love themselves enough to let that situation go on. But you are not at fault, not at all. It is nothing you did. It is him. His problem. He abused you. THat was his fault, his responsibility, and it's on HIM to say sorry to YOU. Hope that is more clear.
I know you are all trying to help me, and I really appreciate that. I am getting there with not caring adn I will get through it, it will just take some time. Thank you all for your help
OP, you can drive yourself crazy with this question. A lot of women (and men, too) wonder if their ex will behave the same way with a new partner. I think that's perfectly understandable, especially if abuse, cheating or some dire behavior was involved.
Well, unless the ex had a big "come to Jesus" moment in life, chances are pretty good that they will. I generally make that assumption. I'm so sorry you got hurt, but at some point, you have to stop worrying (or wondering) about what your ex and his new paramour are doing.
Will he be different? Nooooo they do not change, you didn't make it up. A abuser has a great way of making you think that they weren't that bad, you were a drama queen, or you deserved it. I've even heard that the abuse only happened because they "love you so much."
It's a great act they put on but people don't change, for the most part.
I'm sorry but it doesn't happen. Trust me I know.
He certainly appears to be a habitual abuser so no reason to assume that in view of his past history he won't end up abusing the next sucker who lets him into her life. As far as the use of drugs contributing to his abuse, marijuana users are the least likely of all to be abusers because of any reaction to it. Cocaine and methamphetamines are highly likely to increase abusive tendencies.
Quote:
Originally Posted by virgode
They do have a certain amount of self control with their tempers and manage to stay employed without assaulting, threatening co-workers or the boss.
Turn on the charms, quick involvements, fast commitments are almost a trademark, bc they're insecure and need to monitor and isolate their partner. And thereafter starts the cycle, power and control, verbal abuse, threats and assaults.
Always diminish the severity of the abuse. So, the incident he served a year jail time was more than slapping her around and you can be certain there was visible evidence to back up her claim.
I agree with the above. Yes, he was abusive. If you need more info, there is more information here that may sound familiar to you:
Don't be surprised if he is on his best behavior with his new girlfriend. It sounds like she is his gravy train and as long as she is, he will likely put forth the effort to stay in her good graces. But it will eventually go sour. Batterers can only fake it for so long before they crack.
I have just left my common law boyfriend of nine years. Everything was great in the beginning when we met. He was charming all my family and friends liked him. As time goes by the demon will show his true self. Abusers are highly intelligent and now how to manipulate every situation.
I went back to my abuser three times. The first time he choked my so hard I could not breath. He went to jail that weekend and I moved my stuff out of the house. Days later he begged me to take him back and of course I did. We lived apart for a while then we moved back in together a year later. He had many explosive outbursts and belittled me with cruel names . When I said I had enough and wanted to leave. He said he was going to kill himself. He used to punch holes in walls if I asked him to help with household chores. He spent most of his time playing games on the computer and was emotionally absent. Oh but I always got flowers and a gift after a fight. I learned to deal with it by drinking alot and suppressing my true feelings. I did not believe in myself or that I was good enough.
Abusers are like parasites they take take but nothing to give in return. I am well educated and am able to support myself financially. He took money as well. Or sure he would treat me to dinner but he always got
more monetary things from me.
When I lost my job that is when things spiraled down hill. We moved separately due to financial hardship. I moved back with my parents but at that time family and friends knew that he was the devil. We continued to see each other and I started to pull away and become distant. Unfortunately his Dad passed suddenly so I was there for support. He recently told me how I was a miserable person boring and old. This past summer I caught him chatting online on networking sites, with other girls and was very protective of his phone which he never behaved like that in the past. He did not drive and suddenly was renting cars when he could has used mine. He never really had any friends of his own. He then said I am meeting new friends. I said great tell me about them and he avoided the topic entirely. The abuser knew that the relationship was dead and needed to search for his next victim to leach off of. I limited the money I spent and places we went and that we went to, when he said I was boring. Needless to say he has cheated on me emotionally and I am sure physically, but I cant prove it. I was such a emotional wreck the last couple of days.
With support from friends and family I am now starting the healing process to get my self worth back. I am writing down all the bad things he did to me over the years and every time I feel sorry for myself and dwell on what he has done and wonder why I look at the list. I am going to counseling soon in a couple of weeks for my esteem issues. I have not had anything to drink in a week now and feel great. I wasted 9 yrs of my life but refuse to waste 9 more.
Keep looking forward....remember this saying " And this too shall pass"
I was with a guy for four years who i loved very much , but his drinking and drug use got worse and he beat me in front of my kids , like a fool i forgave him and took him back , he was fine for 2 months for it to get worse , the lying started again and i never knew where he was if we argued . He also robbed of my family after my dad gave him a fantastic job . Since we have split i have had women come to me telling me he tried on when we was a couple . Yes love is a horrible and sometimes being lonely is , but think of being happy alone than being unhappy in a relationship . i got myself a fab job and am still single i also got told if i took him back again i would lose my children , and they come before any man . his ex also told me what he was like and i wish i had listened, but you learn from your mistakes . Good luck to all women out there be strong you can get through it
If he makes a big show of being a "new man" with a new girlfriend, it is very likely a maneuver to draw YOU back in. Then, when you go back, he will make it a point to let you know that YOU are not worthy of the wonderful treatment he gave her, and so the cycle will begin again.
Even if he stays with her, remember that he will do to her what he did to you. He will be all charming with her, just like he was with you in the beginning. But just like he did with you, once the relationship is established, slowly but surely, he will reveal himself to her, and begin abusing her.
In fact, I recommend that you, and anyone else who can relate to your post, spend some time looking at that entire site.
Now, repeat after me: He's her problem now. He's her problem now. He's her problem now.
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Dancing queen
