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Has anyone ever feel in love with someone that had or possed either a character or habitual trait that you weren't attracted to but because you only discovered it after you feel in love with them, you just excepted it as part of the price of being with them?
They can be large issues such as one person wants kids while the other doesn't, to much more smaller and seemingly innocent issues such as one person just recently (like within the past 3 months or so) got out of a serious long-term 5 year relationship.
So my question is, when should you have that important talk with a new partner? Should it be on the first date, or maybe the 11th? Should it be the first month or the 5th?
The point is to talk about what is important to you and what do you want in your future as far as plans and goals and know what do they want or plan for there own future. I've found that many people never have these talks until after they start having strong feelings for this new person in there life or never have that talk at all and then it becomes a problem in the marriage or relationship.
I now there is no scheduled time limit on when you will fall in love and part of maturity is knowing the difference between a want and a need, but I'm talking about when to talk to a new person about important subjects, wants, and expections of the relationship before you fall in too deep.
A good real life example is of a friend of mine who was planning on moving out of state to live because she had got a promotion (that she worked years for by the way), but the job was in a different state. Well she met someone a little over month before the transfer was to take place and never really talked about such things as the future, because they didn't plan on falling in love, they just wanted to live in the moment. Anyway to make a long story short, the choice to stay, the choice to leave, or the choice of the long distance relationship with no end in sight...
Most people believe when you start a new relationship you should not get to heavy too fast (especially in the first month) just let it take it's course and see where it's going. But why waste months with someone who doesn't want kids, or who is really still in love with their ex, or who is about to move to a different state, So months of heartache is worth a few minutes of arkward conversation in the begining?
I mostly used online dating, and those kinds of questions were usually part of my screening process before I'd even decide to meet someone. I'd ask about key issues of compatibility, beliefs, and goals, and that would screen out many before wasting any more time.
But why waste months with someone who doesn't want kids, or who is really still in love with their ex, or who is about to move to a different state, So months of heartache is worth a few minutes of arkward conversation in the begining?
You answered your own question.
#1. Why start ANY RELATIONSHIP with someone YOU CANNOT TALK TO?
That's not a relationship built on trust or openness. It's not any kind of relationship at all. If you want a superficial relationship then don't discuss important details and then you'll have no reason to be upset when the relationship fails.
You don't go into a relationship with anybody if you can't discuss everything with them because a relationship involves two lives, not one.
It's nearly impossible to know everything about your partner, even after you've been together for several years. You could even feel it's safe to get married THEN you learn a new quirk, habit, weakness, whatever that pushes you to the edge of doubt.
At a certain point you just deal with it, if they're not intrinsically evil.
Diplomatic conversation helps in negotiating these problems.
#1. Why start ANY RELATIONSHIP with someone YOU CANNOT TALK TO?
That's not a relationship built on trust or openness. It's not any kind of relationship at all. If you want a superficial relationship then don't discuss important details and then you'll have no reason to be upset when the relationship fails.
You don't go into a relationship with anybody if you can't discuss everything with them because a relationship involves two lives, not one.
Okay I'm thinking that maybe I delivered my question wrong... the question isn't what can you and can't you talk about, it's when should you have your "filter" conversation. When should you ask those things that are important to you... and hopefully before you get emotionally attached to this person...
Most people want the first date to be so great and smooth, that they feel like asking any "filter" questions is like an interview. But again I ask, is a few minutes of discomfort worth a few months of heartache?
It is rare, maybe even impossible to find a partner who possesses absolutley zero unattractive traits, habits, tendancies, etc, which you will not like.
However, there are big things and there are small things.
In your example, future plans for children is a big thing. Any relationship needs the couple to have the same (or very similar) life goals, direction, and speed to achieving them to really work well. If you want children, and your SO doesn't, that is a big problem and may mean a relationship is not going to work.
It is never too early, IMO, to ask probing questions about a person's plans, desires, habits etc. Some questions would come after others, and later than others. Asking about plans for children may not always be a first date topic (although it could be).
Let me put it this way. If it is important to your life and future, why wait a long period of time to ask? Your looking to get to know your date, their desires, likes and dislikes, plans, etc. Ask away!
From the perspective of someone who has recently gotten back in the dating scene... I've had many dates in the past couple of months, and without a question I rather have the few minutes of discomfort than discover a month or 2 later that there is something about this person I do not like. It is a waist of his/her and my time. I do not "interview" people, but I do ask the tough questions.
So far I haven't had a date who was upset, or who avoided the question, rather I've found people like to get the "hard" questions out of the way, so that we can move on to really enjoying each other's company.
So my question is, when should you have that important talk with a new partner? Should it be on the first date, or maybe the 11th? Should it be the first month or the 5th?
lol it must be on a Wednesday when your mother baked some cookie after an April which is in 2017
well, you don't ask about how many kids they plan to have with you on the first date, but certainly you can ask are they currently in or just getting out of a serious relationship. the kids part, that should wait until things become serious. i know plenty of folks that SWORE they never wanted kids, then once they really fell in love that was more important to them then getting married. especially with 20 somethings, they have no real clue about wanting kids at that point in their lives.
Has anyone ever feel in love with someone that had or possed either a character or habitual trait that you weren't attracted to but because you only discovered it after you feel in love with them, you just excepted it as part of the price of being with them?
Oh man. This is why so many people divorce. The fall in love too easily or ignore things that will cause problems because they are happy with getting current sex.
How can someone fall in love with anyone without first dating and studying them, and getting to know them first? That is the whole point of dating and getting to know a person. You dont "fall in love" then try to overlook issues that would normally be deal breakers. Its your own fault if this happens. The truly smart person does not fall in love with a person they do not know.
I have a friend who did this and she regretted it. She is a very very attractive asian gal who married a rather unattractive doofusy white guy. I think she just saw "white" and "rich" and overlooked the fact that she was unattracted to him physically. I actually heard her say "Oh, he's not much to look at, but he loves me, treats me well and takes very good care of me". Im like WTH?!?!? Of course, the ended up divorcing, now she's with this Derek Jeter looking black/white guy and has 3 kids.
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