personal advice on marriage problems (movies, guy, affair, partner)
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This may answer the OP's question: there have been public figures throughout history who lived like your husband, and they had wives, who were in your shoes. There are certainly biographies or other stories written about these women, who likely had children. Read these biographies. There are 'professional' relationships, and I'm thinking of persons like Jackie Kennedy or Hillary Clinton, who maintain stability and investment in their families and oddly enough, come out ahead. I can't answer for Jackie or Hillary's kids, or even yours, but these women, strangely enough, seemed to raise good kids. The kids were likely aware of the infidelities, maybe even engaged in them later, but also likely were kept busy with child activities until they could bear with adult messages. This may be one good route, and it may answer your question.
I would emotionally divest myself of the affective aspects of the relationship until the change you require is identified. Sleep in a separate room, live like roommates. Have friendly regard for him, as parent to your children, but little else. In this fashion, you will be effectively divorced from him, but will have the semblance of what you will still see as marriage, which is what you seem to desire. Separate dining times, separate cleaning, separate lifestyle, but under one roof, which for you is the semblance of a marital relationship.
As has already been mentioned, insulate the kids from harm and insult. Keep this personal/marital issue from them as much as possible. You don't have to have regard for him as much as you should maintain their regard for him by deferring their questions about him to their father: 'good question, ask your Dad.' I wouldn't sleep with this man again until he was checked, rechecked, and rechecked again. Set up in separate quarters of the home. Complete your work or volunteer activities in the community dutifully and without remarks. Be invested in the children's future and lay out plans for their success. Save money for their education and create a savings for yourself for retirement.
Again, not what I believe would be successful in most marriages, or beneficial for an individual, but it answers your questions and requests. This is how you would keep busy, plan for the future, and potentially raise good kids, while keeping the semblance of marriage and relationship, which you desire. It also answers your spiritual needs, to remain Christian and not divorce. I wish you the best.
You can only shield kids from harm and insult so much when you're living separate lives right down to separate dining times. They'll catch on pretty quickly.
I know there's been a lot of name calling with cheat and liar and so forth and I hate to add one to the mix, but he strikes me as lazy and that part actually concerns me more than the infidelity. When you're young, infidelity is a huge deal, but when you're older, it's still a big deal, but not as shocking, although still intolerable. Laziness is another thing, at least for me. Based upon what you've written, he seems like he's just sitting there, too lazy to leave, too lazy to actually pursue the other woman, too lazy to leave his family, too lazy to be honest, too lazy to face up to things, too lazy to take responsibility for his behavior, definitely lazy enough to stay where life is good enough to continue being lazy. It almost makes me wonder if you're not the breadwinner too. Not trying to add more hurt feelings, but that's how I feel. I've also got to wonder why you chose a Place forum for your only three posts rather than a Relationship one.
Based upon what everyone has said, it's pretty much all out there. My only suggestion within your parameters is PATIENCE. Maybe over the months and years, he'll change. Maybe this is a one time thing with him and it'll never happen again. Then life will be how you imagine it and how it should be.
Just a quick update: Since the ultimatum the other day, he finally answered the question of "would he like to share me with someone else?" The question was asked repeatedly until he finally screamed "NO!" so I proceeded to tell him just where he could go if I had to share him. Where he would end up and how the visitations would go with the kids...he was told that if he wanted to improve our marriage, all contact needed to stop. (BTW there was no intercourse, or so I have been told, and will continue to believe) He was also told that he needed to make me believe again and until I believe that she is no longer in the picture, all forms of emotion would continue. On a very positive note: She tried to text him the other day and he didn't respond to her. He called me while at work and told me about it, told me what time it happened and that if she did it again, he would in front of me tell her to leave him alone. He even pulled up the phone bill and showed me. He has also shown me his facebook page, and emails. ( I know they can be deleted, but this is a huge step for him) and I will continue to take all the baby steps I can get. Thanks for all your advice...glad I stuck to my guns and stood up for myself and the kids.
Sorry but you need to leave him. He obviously doesn't love you or your kids because if he did, he wouldn't be cheating on you a SECOND time with THE SAME woman.
I can't believe you're sitting here asking our advice when you have all the proof you need in front of your eyes.
Sorry but you need to leave him. He obviously doesn't love you or your kids because if he did, he wouldn't be cheating on you a SECOND time with THE SAME woman.
I can't believe you're sitting here asking our advice when you have all the proof you need in front of your eyes.
If he does, hes got a strange way of showing it. I give her credit for trying to salvage the marriage. I hope shes serious with her ultimatums and isn't an SAH mom with no career to fall back on.
Ok, here goes nothing. First I want to explain that I don't want answers that say leave your husband...how can you still be with him...or do it for yourself. I need advice on how to deal with the situation I am about to explain to you all.
December of 2010, I caught my husband in many many lies that involved another woman. And yes you can read between the lines. I got the typical answers...she is just a friend, there is nothing there, I am reading too much into what I found in text messages. (confessing that he is attracted to her, wanting to kiss her again, i am crazy and he is leaving me etc.)
This is a typical story in which I know I am not alone. I start checking up behind him, phone records, emails, texts and find all sorts of things (excluding nude pictures)
The kids and I move out to give him the "time" he needs to figure out what he wants and in April of 2011, he moves down to my parents house to be with us since I wouldn't pull our son out of school again. We eventually move back into "our home" in August of 2011 and attempt to rebuild what was broken.
Fast forward to December 2011, I catch him talking to her again in text messages, phone calls and messages on facebook. He lies, gives me the same excuses that there is nothing going on that he wants to try in our marriage, this time there was only one meeting between the two of them in which I assume they kissed because of the messages stating that it was a so so kiss.
The fight between us continues almost every night for January about how he needs to leave her alone so we can try to work this out. Every day I ask him, he lies and the phone bill comes out and there is the proof I needed. I eventually stopped wondering what was being said, and moved into if anything was being said. I stopped asking all together because of my peace of mind, the kids and the stability of the marriage was improving.
Now, I just looked at his face book page the other day (and he has not texted her or called her in over a month) and he sent her a message stating that he tried to wave at her on the street the other day but she didn't see him or realize it was him...and the one from yesterday was that he was trying to be sociable with her but the look she gave him...he gets it.
Now please keep in mind that after the first encounter with her, she eventually came to me and promised me that she would NEVER have anything to do with him again. She was sorry and confessed everything.
please give me some advice on how to handle the lies and keep the peace, I do love him and will always love him but need to vent and allow others to help me out.
thanks
He's in an open relationship and you don't even know it.
You will either have to ignore it and live with it. I realize one doesn't turn love on and off. In addition you have children involved. Are your children aware of the other woman? He is getting away with this woman and usually there will be more to follow her.
Can you live with this for the next 30, 40 or 50 years?
But ... when faith and trust is gone from a marriage there is nothing left.
I don't want answers that say leave your husband...how can you still be with him...or do it for yourself. I need advice on how to deal with the situation
please give me some advice on how to handle the lies and keep the peace, I do love him and will always love him but need to vent and allow others to help me out.
thanks
O.K. motherhubbard, here it goes. Keep your mouth shut, stay outta his affair, and be a good fool. Is that what you wanna hear? Now, go clean his house, wash his clothes, run his bath water, and make his dinner. And remember, when your boys grow up to behave the same way, or your daughters grow up to except a man who treats them the same way, they'll have you to thank for it. I can see them now. "Thanks mom, for teaching us how a man is supposed to disrespect a woman, while she does nothing about it". Lol
Last edited by Just1Fan; 03-08-2012 at 01:34 AM..
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