My unemployed husband spends $75 to $100 a week on cigarettes & refuses to quit (love, child)
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The question is in response to my comment that "He hates that he smokes."
I should have said, "He probably hates that he's addicted and FEARS quitting. Yet still enjoys the act of smoking and cannot imagine life without it."
My response: I've been there. I truly did enjoy the act of smoking. What I did not enjoy was the every other month bronchitis or the yearly pneumonia. I didn't enjoy cleaning the windows of my car so often just to see - or the expense. I did HATE the addiction. I feared quitting. What would I do to calm down? How would I relax? I would miss the social time with friends.
It really messes with the brain. People get to the point where they need that dopamine release to deal with stress. And I'm not so sure folk really enjoy it. Folk don't enjoy it when they first start. Most cough and have negative reactions to it. Folk enjoy relieving withdrawal symptoms. Eh, smoking is horrible. It turns people into slaves (thinking of a pic i saw of a woman smoking through a hole in her throat). Big tobacco wins out on this one.
I don't know when he picked up this habit; he is selfish for sure. However, if you knew he smoked and dealt with it prior, how can you ask him to quit, or find fault in him spending $$$ for his habit? I can't and will not date a smoker. If my mate decided to pick-up the nasty habit in his 40's than I will see myself out.
I am not getting the part that he thinks his money is just for HIM and your money is for the EVERYTHING else. He definitely needs to speak with someone about being in a depressive state, which is perfectly normal since he is reeling from unemployment.
My husband is a long time smoker. He claimed that he needed to smoke due to job stress. I didn't like it before but now the situation is worse. Cigarettes are at an all time high cost & he spends $75 to $100 on them each week. He has been unemployed for over a year and that is almost 1/3 of his entire weekly unemployment check. He says that it is "hismoney" and he can do whatever he wants with it. Well, the money from my retirement pension is the money used to pay the mortgage, the utility bills, car insurance, etc. In addition I also work almost full time to pay for the day to day expenses of food, clothes, etc. I don't think of it as "my money" but our money. My husband has always considered money that I earned or received as gifts as "family money".
If he stopped smoking we could pay off one of our credit cards or use the money in many different ways. I also feel that it is inconsiderate of him to me as I am greatly bothered by second-hand smoke (eye & throat irritation, etc). This has gotten much worse over the years (probably because the smoke smell has settled in our furniture, car, carpet, etc.).
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Smoking may be directly effecting his health. He was in the hospital twice with severe pneumonia.
It is upsetting to me that my husband has $4,000 to $5,000 just "going up in smoke" every year when we can't afford things like a comfortable bed (our mattress is 24 years old) or to fix the broken side mirror on the car, or to replace our damaged old carpet (also 24 years old), or pay off the dentist for my husbands extensive dental work or to go on a vacation to visit relatives. I might feel a little differently if he had a good job and that $4,000 -$5,000 a year was extra "fun money" not money needed for bills. But we are barely scaping by paying our bills.
He says that I am being unreasonable to ask him to quit. And I think that he is being unreasonable not to quit smoking.
I am at a loss what to do. Ideas? Suggestions? Thanks.
It's never "my money." It's always "our money." You are part of an economic unit, so you have to spend money as if someone else depends on it, because it does.
In that sense, it doesn't matter what he's spending the cash on, whether it's cigs, beer, or repeated sessions at the Pac Man machine down at the 7-11. Blowing $100 a week is $400 a month. That is rent, the utility bills, or grocery money literally going up in smoke while you're trying to make ends meet.
Second, he's fueling an addiction that's made worse by his likely depression. That's why you've got to have the talk with him. And if he won't stop blowing money, then cut off his money supply. It's really the only way.
My husband is a long time smoker. He claimed that he needed to smoke due to job stress. I didn't like it before but now the situation is worse. Cigarettes are at an all time high cost & he spends $75 to $100 on them each week. He has been unemployed for over a year and that is almost 1/3 of his entire weekly unemployment check. He says that it is "hismoney" and he can do whatever he wants with it. Well, the money from my retirement pension is the money used to pay the mortgage, the utility bills, car insurance, etc. In addition I also work almost full time to pay for the day to day expenses of food, clothes, etc. I don't think of it as "my money" but our money. My husband has always considered money that I earned or received as gifts as "family money".
If he stopped smoking we could pay off one of our credit cards or use the money in many different ways. I also feel that it is inconsiderate of him to me as I am greatly bothered by second-hand smoke (eye & throat irritation, etc). This has gotten much worse over the years (probably because the smoke smell has settled in our furniture, car, carpet, etc.).
Smoking may be directly effecting his health. He was in the hospital twice with severe pneumonia.
It is upsetting to me that my husband has $4,000 to $5,000 just "going up in smoke" every year when we can't afford things like a comfortable bed (our mattress is 24 years old) or to fix the broken side mirror on the car, or to replace our damaged old carpet (also 24 years old), or pay off the dentist for my husbands extensive dental work or to go on a vacation to visit relatives. I might feel a little differently if he had a good job and that $4,000 -$5,000 a year was extra "fun money" not money needed for bills. But we are barely scaping by paying our bills.
He says that I am being unreasonable to ask him to quit. And I think that he is being unreasonable not to quit smoking.
I am at a loss what to do. Ideas? Suggestions? Thanks.
Where are you? I went to a guy on Staten Island that did Auricular Therapy. One treatment and poof, after 35 years, I quit smoking.
To burgler09
We don't make $12,000 a year, our family income is $9,000 to $12,000 a year less (even with Unemployment Insurance payments) than when my husband was working full time (with chances for overtime).
We are trying to work this out. Probably smoking fewer cigarettes and maybe finding cheaper cigarettes will work for my husband and me.
My younger bro bought one of those machines that makes his own cigarettes. It comes out to approximately $25 a carton as opposed to the $80 it costs in the store, and it's just tobacco, no additives. Best to quit, but if he can't, that's one solution.
You are completely reasonable in demanding that he becomes more considerate. Although, I'm no expert at convincing people to quit. I don't smoke but I bet the addiction must be hella strong. I've also had an experience with a potential boyfriend who was smoking a lot. I learned that you can't reason with an addict... so you have my sympathy, sorry I have no good advice to give you.
I see this as a really serious long-term problem that affects your finances, his health, and even children! Since you did not mention any kids, I'm gonna assume that you have none, which is good. How about you guys separate for a while? Take "your money" and leave him with "his money", and make reality force him to take ACTIONS towards quitting or getting a job to support his addiction. Of course if kids are involved, this would be more complicated...
OP I hear you, we are in a similar boat with the same exact costs. We haven't been able to take a vaca in 3 years but he has smoked 4K/yr in each of those three years= 12K!!!! He smokes a pack a day and they are about 10/pack in NY (or so he tells me). Our health insurance went up because he is a smoker, still nothing. He was a smoker when we met and he agreed to quit. I thought he had quit but he never did.
Its always just gotten a little worse every year. It makes me angry. My daughter gets sad and asks him to quit when the smoking ads come on the tv. One even made her start crying. Still nothing, no dent in the smoking.
If we were to ever get divorced THIS would be a major contributing cause. It is really one of the biggest issues in our marriage. And I noticed you didn't mention the other issues associated with it, but it just all around sucks to be married to a smoker.
One note- my husband never had and never will smoke in the house. He smoked in a vehicle and I refused to cosign a loan for a new one after that. It was so gross to ride in a vehicle that had been CONSTANTLY smoked in.
I often went fishing up in Maine during the summer. Personally I'm very fond of strawberries and cream, but I have found that for some strange reason, fish prefer worms. So when I went fishing, I didn't think about what I wanted. I thought about what they wanted. I didn't bait the hook with strawberries and cream. Rather, I dangled a worm or a grasshopper in front of the fish and said: "Wouldn't you like to have that?"
Why not use the same approach with your husband?
Why talk about what you want? Of course, you're interested in what you want. You are eternally interested in it. But he's not. He's just like you: interested in what he wants. So, the only way on earth to influence him, is to talk about what he wants and show him how to get it.
Remember that tomorrow when you're trying to get him to stop smoking. Ask yourself: "How can I make him want to do it?" If, you don't want your husband to smoke, don't preach at him, and don't talk about what you want; but show him that cigarettes may keep HIM from doing other things that he's interested in.
If there is any one secret of success, it lies in the ability to get the other person's point of view and see things from that person's angle as well as from your own. Good luck.
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