"It's just my preference" (dating, women, single, attracted)

[homina12]

So what's your experience with the word "preference" as it's used here (or anywhere) referring to dating and relationships? How do you use the term if you do, and what does it mean when you see or hear others use it?

In the thread title I'm quoting someone who was defending a pattern of dating people with a particular characteristic. Something similar is happening in at least two threads as I type this.

Some things I notice:

-The word gets used a bit loosely, in my opinion as the vocabulary cop on this beat . But seriously, a preference implies something other than exclusively choosing one thing over another. I prefer air travel to train travel, for example, but I'll take a train if need be and it works out fine. I think that's what preference means, but people use it when they exclusively choose one thing over another.

-Women's preferences (whether an inclination or a rigid have to) get challenged more often than men's.

-Men ask about women's preferences more often than women ask, leading to the point above.

-The word gets used in sensitive discussions, and I think the lack of consistency in how it's used can tweak people's feelings in threads that are already tweaking those feelings.

I don't expect to resolve anything with this, but I'm curious about it and asking in threads where there's already a somewhat heated discussion occurring seems derailing.

Edit: How do you feel when someone states a "preference" for a trait you don't possess?

Mod comment: Everyone, please keep your answers non-specific and do not turn this into a height/weight/race/sex, etc. thread.

[1986pacecar]

Originally Posted by homina12

-The word gets used a bit loosely, in my opinion as the vocabulary cop on this beat . But seriously, a preference implies something other than exclusively choosing one thing over another. I prefer air travel to train travel, for example, but I'll take a train if need be and it works out fine. I think that's what preference means, but people use it when they exclusively choose one thing over another.

That's the way I see it too. I may prefer A over B by that doesn't mean B isn't a viable option.

[Pitt Chick]

a greater liking for one alternative over another or others... that is all preference is.

[The Dissenter]

I know that preference can mean outright discrimination in some cases. When it comes to your bedroom, be as discriminatory as you damn well please from my POV. Just don't carry it into everyday life.

[TabulaRasa]

Everyone has preferences, Everyone has criteria for making decisions. How rigid preferences and criteria are may vary.

If somebody states a preference for a trait I obviously don't have, and they opt to date me anyway, I have to assume they have some other criteria I fit that outweighs that preference.

[oh-eve]

Originally Posted by TabulaRasa

Everyone has preferences, Everyone has criteria for making decisions. How rigid preferences and criteria are may vary.

If somebody states a preference for a trait I obviously don't have, and they opt to date me anyway, I have to assume they have some other criteria I fit that outweighs that preference.

you wouldn't mind if he tells you that you are not what he wanted but he made an exception for you because you have "some" other qualities and he couldn't find what he really is attracted to?

[Chowhound]

Preference as the OP is talking about is used a lot of times here on CD in an exclusive way, but it has a softer tone to it. Some people don't really understand the use of the word and therefore using incorrectly. It's used both ways here and with some people it's probably used to indicate exclusivity more often than those that simply don't really understand the word. Since we're being "word police" as the OP said.


It's like if someone said that Hitler preferred to be around Germanic white people, that most certainly has a softer tone to it, right. LOL. Extreme example granted.


I think most average normal people can be accepting if they aren't in someone "preference" but it's how it's said I think that matters. If you say you prefer X or Y nothing really wrong with Y etc etc, but I find X better fit for me, than fine. If you say you like X and think Y is inferior and go on to list out reason why you think it inferior, that's when some people get their backs up more.

[RedZin]

preference
noun pref·er·ence \ˈpre-fərn(t)s, ˈpre-f(ə-)rən(t)s\
Popularity: Top 20% of words
Simple Definition of preference
: a feeling of liking or wanting one person or thing more than another person or thing
: an advantage that is given to some people or things and not to others
: something that is liked or wanted more than another thing : something that is preferred
Source: Merriam-Webster's Learner's Dictionary


Now, if you take a look at this? This is what you need to assume that "preference" means when someone says they "prefer" X over Y.

If they indicate that "preference" means something else? Call them on it.

We are all global citizens.

If we let people turn their "hard and fast, no exceptions" stuff into what they want to call "preferences" we are saying it's okay to codify one's discriminatory language.

No, it's not. Say what you mean to say.

[Mikala43]

I have preferences and other people do to - it doesn't bother me.

If someone prefers blondes but dates me, I'll figure I'm so awesome they went outside of their "type."

If someone doesn't want to date me because of preferences, I'm ok with that, that's the way dating works.

[Metaphysique]

Originally Posted by homina12

So what's your experience with the word "preference" as it's used here (or anywhere) referring to dating and relationships?

I've seen it used to imply bias toward or for a specific trait or characteristic, or what it actually means, you may prefer one thing (or things), but not necessarily exclude other things.

How do you use the term if you do, and what does it mean when you see or hear others use it?

Ex: I prefer men who are at my height and taller, but have dated men who are shorter.
Ex: I preferred, almost exclusively, dated men 10+ years my senior, but met and went out with men who were closer to my range. Like out of 100+ dates during that span of time, maybe seven were younger than my target range. My husband is "only" six years older.

In the thread title I'm quoting someone who was defending a pattern of dating people with a particular characteristic. Something similar is happening in at least two threads as I type this.

Some things I notice:

-The word gets used a bit loosely, in my opinion as the vocabulary cop on this beat . But seriously, a preference implies something other than exclusively choosing one thing over another. I prefer air travel to train travel, for example, but I'll take a train if need be and it works out fine. I think that's what preference means, but people use it when they exclusively choose one thing over another.

There are definitely things I prefer, and others I chose almost exclusively, because I knew, based on my experience, that these criteria made for better overall compatibility.

-Women's preferences (whether an inclination or a rigid have to) get challenged more often than men's.

I agree with this.

-Men ask about women's preferences more often than women ask, leading to the point above.

-The word gets used in sensitive discussions, and I think the lack of consistency in how it's used can tweak people's feelings in threads that are already tweaking those feelings.

I really don't get being upset by what others deem right for them, whether it's a matter of preference or a deal-breaker. The thing is, that I've found, if it's a characteristic or trait I possess, the feelings are mutual. Someone who won't date a feminist or atheist/agnostic does not at all bother me. It just doesn't. If that individual prefers to date, or exclusively dates people with a similar background, great. There can be many reasons for this. I wasn't offended by someone who doesn't date people with kids. I ran into a few men who were child-less or child-free who preferred not to date women with kids. ("I think you're wonderful, but I'm unsure about the whole kids thing." Which I completely understood.) I didn't take it as a slight. Now, if an individual wants to make baseless, unfounded claims about single or divorced parents, refusing to examine their biases and qualify their statements, I will happily counter their argument.

I don't expect to resolve anything with this, but I'm curious about it and asking in threads where there's already a somewhat heated discussion occurring seems derailing.

Edit: How do you feel when someone states a "preference" for a trait you don't possess?

Unbothered. I am moderately tattooed and chopped off my hair last spring. Like crew cut, and I had it bleached and dyed grey/silver. We have many threads here and in other forums where many express tattoos being unattractive and a deal-breaker. Not just a "I have a preference for women without tattoos or only a few." Actual deal-breaker. And the same for short hair, some expressed a preference for longer hair, a strong preference. I even made a thread about short hair for women, and the response overwhelmingly favored longer hair.

Having a preference or even deal-breakers that exclude me does not bother me. Now, try to claim tattooed people, not "some tattooed people," are unintelligent, uneducated and doomed for life, and I'll gladly school you (general) on the error of that thinking. Having a preference or strict criteria is one thing. You do you. Using your preference, based on one's own implicit biases and prejudice, to generalize about a whole swath of people, is another.