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I think in dating, "preference" is more often used to be a non-negotiable. IMO, "preference" means just that, your preferred thing, which implies there are other, secondary possibilities, but in the world of dating, it tends not to be used that way.
So "it's just my preference to date extremely beautiful girls," for example, may be used by a guy who flat-out refuses to go out with non-beautiful girls.
Now as far as HAVING preferences - as knowing what turns you MOST on - everybody does, in every single arena in life. That's a very normal thing, IMO.
ETA: And yes, I do see it used to smooth over some non-PC requirements in a mate. The ones nobody likes to hear, or say. Unfortunately, it's often suffixed with something that really reveals how the person feels about the matter and completely wipes away, in one sentence, all pretense of politeness. "It's just my preference not to date fat slobs or sl*ts with more than one child." This pretty much washes away the intent to make it LESS hurtful, LOL. Sigh...
Last edited by JerZ; 08-17-2016 at 12:08 PM..
Reason: missed a word
Oh...how do I feel if a person has a preference for a trait I don't possess, or a preference for his date to not have a trait I do possess...well, thinking back to when I was dating, I just moved on. I have preferences; he's allowed his. What will being angry or upset do? It won't change his mind and do I WANT to change the mind of someone who doesn't like the core of who I am anyway? Not really.
The definition alone implies more flexibility, I prefer staying up later but there are many times I go to bed earlier. The way it is used in dating I almost always assume it's a more hard line. If I'm looking at a dating profile and their preference is for someone with a full head of hair for instance or some other trait I don't possess I simply move on. I don't have a problem with this at all and it doesn't offend me in the least. I know I'm surely not a lot of people's cup of tea. The beauty is with a little effort it's not too difficult to find someone who is.
I married a chubby guy but would not in a million years have told him that I prefer six packed guys. Why hurt him unnecessarily??
YES! What's matter with people, sheesh. Ok, be honest, but when someone says: "well normally I'm not a boob guy, but yours are ok" I know I will NOT be seeing him again, I don't need to convince anyone of my merits or overcompensate in some other area to downplay what you're not into. The thought never crossed my mind to say: "well normally I'm not a big ear kinda girl...normal is my preference" WTH?
On another note, besides being discriminating, I think one might say: "it's just my preference" because they don't feel like defending themselves. They may know their reasoning is not logical or PC, so they just throw a blanket statement out there to end the train of thought.
**I just threw the 'ear thing' out there, it actually took me a long time to find something that's an automatic 'not my preference' physically. I like to get to know a person first. It's more personality, like 'narcissistic is not my preference, arrogant is not my preference, rude is not my preference' etc.
Oh...how do I feel if a person has a preference for a trait I don't possess, or a preference for his date to not have a trait I do possess...well, thinking back to when I was dating, I just moved on. I have preferences; he's allowed his. What will being angry or upset do? It won't change his mind and do I WANT to change the mind of someone who doesn't like the core of who I am anyway? Not really.
Exactly! Getting upset at someone's preferences isn't going to change their mind so move on & look for someone who matches your preferences.
I think some people in cd land take other people's preferences personally whilst some people are just downright rude under the guise of preferences.
So what's your experience with the word "preference" as it's used here (or anywhere) referring to dating and relationships? How do you use the term if you do, and what does it mean when you see or hear others use it?
Mod comment: Everyone, please keep your answers non-specific and do not turn this into a height/weight/race/sex, etc. thread.
I think we all have preferences or are attracted to certain types of people. I also don't think that what we "think" we prefer is always what we end up with. There are always good surprises out there and maybe being a little more flexible and open minded is needed.
I would be more flexible in the dating stages but I think for long term I would want someone who has similar views as I do. It doesn't mean I wouldn't give someone else a chance.
Quote:
Originally Posted by homina12
Edit: How do you feel when someone states a "preference" for a trait you don't possess?
Mod comment: Everyone, please keep your answers non-specific and do not turn this into a height/weight/race/sex, etc. thread.
Why would I care? There are so many people in the world and there is no way we are all going otlike or "prefer" each other. That's OK
I think in dating, "preference" is more often used to be a non-negotiable. IMO, "preference" means just that, your preferred thing, which implies there are other, secondary possibilities, but in the world of dating, it tends not to be used that way.
So "it's just my preference to date extremely beautiful girls," for example, may be used by a guy who flat-out refuses to go out with non-beautiful girls.
Now as far as HAVING preferences - as knowing what turns you MOST on - everybody does, in every single arena in life. That's a very normal thing, IMO.
ETA: And yes, I do see it used to smooth over some non-PC requirements in a mate. The ones nobody likes to hear, or say. Unfortunately, it's often suffixed with something that really reveals how the person feels about the matter and completely wipes away, in one sentence, all pretense of politeness. "It's just my preference not to date fat slobs or sl*ts with more than one child." This pretty much washes away the intent to make it LESS hurtful, LOL. Sigh...
I think you're right, and that's why I find the use of "preference" crummy and dehumanizing when applied to attributes that people have no control over.
I don't do OLD, but I read the book written by one of the founders of OKCupid for a book club recently (and some of their other research as well), and clearly there are some things that people can't control that greatly affect how willing people are to message them, etc. It would be pretty tough if you fell into a disfavored category to see a constant stream of negativity about yourself under the guise of "preference," in which large swaths of the people on the site won't even bother looking at your profile and what qualities you might have. If people were diverse in their preferences, maybe I would feel differently, but from what I have read it skews very much in favor of certain types of people and against others.
I wouldn't have any problem if it were used to describe things that speak to actual compatibility, e.g. "I prefer fellow vegans, non-drinkers, people passionate about sailing," or whatever the case may be. But on message boards and whatnot, it rarely seems to be used this way.
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