This is one of those topics in which few people will speak up over fear of sullying their precious internet handle... since I don't care about that I will answer your questions as best I can from the perspective of a cheating wife. Lest I seem cavalier when I answer these questions, make no mistake about it, my actions made me a straight-up a55hole:
1. Did(do) you think of your wife/husband and family when you are with somebody else? What are you thinking about?
No. I was thinking about my own sexual gratification, and enjoying the general excitement that comes along with doing something wrong. Life was finally exciting again.
2. Were you actively looking or did it "just happen"?
I was not actively looking, but I can't agree with it being a "just happen[ed]" situation. There was a perfect storm in which all of the right conditions came together to make it easy for me to take the leap into adultery:
- I had no sex life at home which made me feel frustrated
- I had no respect for my husband as a "man" since he was unemployed and played video games for 10 hours a day
- I was in my 30s and started to feel less sexually desirable as I could clearly see the aging process when I looked in the mirror
- I was out of town attending a social event that my husband refused to attend
- I consumed just enough alcohol to decide that I "deserved" happiness on my own terms
- The guy was sexually aggressive in a way I had not seen in my husband for several years.
- Communication between my husband and me was non-existent. Looking back on things, this is probably the number 1 way to affair-proof a marriage: communicate openly, honestly, and frequently. Had we openly discussed bullet points #1-3, (and presumable he had his own bullet points of unhappiness) bullet point #4 would not have led to #5 and 6.
3. Are you prepared to lose your wife/husband and family over cheating with somebody else?
I never thought about it in this way. It is no different than committing a crime - one does not think, "I am going to shoplift, but I am prepared to go to jail for it." The shoplifter simply shoplifts and hopes for the best outcome. Consequences are not a part of the thought process.
4. Are you secretly hoping you will be caught?
This is one of the most ridiculous myths out there. No one is secretly hoping to get caught. What happens is, a person gets more and more comfortable with infidelity to the point that s/he grows careless about covering up their tracks.
5. Do you really think you can lie your way out of it?
It is worth a shot. Whether one admits the truth at the start or after a series of Hail Mary lies, the end result is exactly the same.
6. Is it about more or different sex?
In part, yes. But that is a very small part.
7. Do you use protection? How would you feel if you brought STD to your wife/husband?
I mostly used protection. Yes,
mostly. I would have felt like crap had I brought an STD home, but the answer to this is the same as my answer to #3.
8. If you are unhappy in your marriage did you consider ending the marriage before you decided to find somebody new?
I did not cheat because I wanted to end my marriage. I cheated because I wanted to enhance it, to enhance my life. I think this is true for most people, you want to eat your cake and have it too. You want to keep everything intact, and have a little something on the side.
9. Are you fantasizing about a new life with your cheating partner(s)?
Oh hell no.
10. Is it true "once a cheater always a cheater'?
A good question. I can't speak for myself on this because I have not been in a committed relationship since my divorce six years ago. Perhaps this is why...
11. If you wife/husband found out about your cheating and still decided to stay in the marriage do you respect her or think s/he is lacking in self respect?
My answer is not PC but here it is - A marriage typically can withstand male infidelity and can't withstand female infidelity. Most men cannot bear the thought of being cuckolded (unless they get off on it but that's a different discussion) and will replay in his mind thoughts of another man shagging his wife in every orifice. The thought of being tricked into raising another man's child is downright repulsive to most animals including humans. Those men who stay generally are lacking in self respect, and will most likely be cheated on again. I suppose the reverse is true, but biologically speaking men are compelled to spread their seed far and wide. Women are aware of this biologically, and I think that is why we can handle male infidelity better than men.
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