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OP, if you actually care that your family will judge your choice of a mate, you're too young to be contemplating a long term relationship. You sound a little tied down by the apron strings and perhaps a little weak-willed. (Don't give us the "I'm strong at work" stuff either. It's how you act in your personal relationships that are in play here.) Jeez, you're only 23, all hung up on finding a guy, worried about what your mommy thinks ... you need to just live and grow up and let things be in the guy department. Date whoever you feel like, so you can figure out who you really are and what you really want.
What my mom says and what she expects are two totally different things. Sure she says 'Honey as long as he's a good respectful man, I don't care about anything else'. But then when her friend or family member's daughters marry someone superficially different, she doesn't hesitate to judge. One of our friend's recently married a guy just out of college who has a mall kiosk as his job...yup my mom judged.
Dating and marriage are in two completely different time zones.
Trial and error is the only way to arrive at your destination.
OP, if you actually care that your family will judge your choice of a mate, you're too young to be contemplating a long term relationship. You sound a little tied down by the apron strings and perhaps a little weak-willed. (Don't give us the "I'm strong at work" stuff either. It's how you act in your personal relationships that are in play here.) Jeez, you're only 23, all hung up on finding a guy, worried about what your mommy thinks ... you need to just live and grow up and let things be in the guy department. Date whoever you feel like, so you can figure out who you really are and what you really want.
Quote:
Originally Posted by D217
Dating and marriage are in two completely different time zones.
Trial and error is the only way to arrive at your destination.
What if I date what I think is the perfect guy and we get to the marriage part, but my family doesn't approve, should I ditch my family in favor of the guy?
What if I date what I think is the perfect guy and we get to the marriage part, but my family doesn't approve, should I ditch my family in favor of the guy?
You think he's perfect in this scenario. Assuming he has no major flaws (like drug addictions or untreated mental illness) and he treats you well, then your family is being dysfunctional by refusing to accept him. Under those grounds, yes, go ahead and ditch them (or take a step back) because they have put their inclinations and prejudices over your autonomy. Functional, loving families do NOT do that.
When some of my family balked at my very reasonable expectations a couple years ago (not having to do with a relationship), I cut ties. I've since been much happier, and I realized that their refusal to meet my reasonable expectations was just a symptom of mental health issues they refuse to acknowledge. I had been spending my life catering to that dysfunction, and I feel so much freer now that I live far away and have no contact. I don't bear them any ill will and in fact still love them, but this was a decision I made for my personal wellbeing.
I reiterate: A sane and loving family will accept whoever you choose as long as that person treats you with respect and love, and is not a danger to your mental health or physical safety.
What if I date what I think is the perfect guy and we get to the marriage part, but my family doesn't approve, should I ditch my family in favor of the guy?
Assuming he's not an abuser or junkie, YES. Grownups don't allow their families to make major life decisions for them. You definitely sound very young and inexperienced.
I recently met a girl who I've been seeing/sleeping with. A friend of mine said, based on a picture "she looks a little heavy". She's not stick thin, but she's not overweight by any means. But what pissed me off most was: 1) Even if she was, it was very rude to say, and more importantly 2) I've seen him without his shirt on and it's a very unpleasant sight.
I'm under 5'11, and I agree, the OP is certainly entitled to her preferences and I take no offense. Everyone has their preferences and dealbreakers. However...
To the OP - I'd only say, on top of the fact that you're 23 y/o, what do you have to offer? What do you look like? What is your best non-physical attribute? What are your ambitions/goals? Does coming from an affluent family make you feel entitled to only a 'perfect' guy? I ask this because I come from a family with some means and many of the women I'd meet from similar backgrounds act like entitled ***** without realizing that even though $$ is highly important to them, most guys don't give a crap.
Well if you like the woman that is all that matter and she is sleeping with you, so it's probably best not to complain at this point until you get rid of her. But 'fat, slightly fat' or the like is the kiss of death to men. I agree it was rude of your friend to make mention of this. But if you are an overweight woman, all bets are off and the males basically think that gives them carte blanche to talk down to you.
If you are one of these types of women they don't give a crap about what kind of non physical qualities you have. That's all well and good, but they have no right to think they can tell a woman she can't have preferences of her own. If I was the OP I wouldn't listen to anything they say , because frankly they wouldn't be "cutting her any slack."
I am 5'7 and a half and do not consider 5'10 or 5'11 to be short for a man. I don't see nothing wrong with it. I would prefers a man that is 6'1 or 6'2 but if a non famous version of Adam Levine (who is 5'10) was interested in me, you think I would pass that up? LOL. My point is that women are more likely to bend some kind of height requirement, but try getting men to bend a weight requirement for women. Yea right.
What if I date what I think is the perfect guy and we get to the marriage part, but my family doesn't approve, should I ditch my family in favor of the guy?
ohmygosh, if you have to ask this question you are not even remotely close to being ready for an adult relationship.
Seriously honey, spend some more time on yourself - work on developing your emotional maturity. You sound very very young.
As you age the list will change. When you hit your 70's the list will change to "Is he breathing?"
LOL, thanks this made me laugh
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Originally Posted by skaternum
Assuming he's not an abuser or junkie, YES. Grownups don't allow their families to make major life decisions for them. You definitely sound very young and inexperienced.
You guys who said this are right, I know that. My mom does this guilt trip thing though. For example, I was visiting my hometown one weekend and casually mentioned to my mom that I was going to be out with friends on Sunday. She says in a sad voice 'Oh ok, that's fine. I just thought that since you were in town that we wold go get brunch together.' She never mentioned it before then so this was news to me, but the tone she uses gives me a guilt trip. Sometimes I ignore her and keep my plans, but sometimes I'll cancel my plans for her. She does that a lot, says it's ok, but the way she says makes you feel bad for not agreeing with her.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Doll Eyes
Well if you like the woman that is all that matter and she is sleeping with you, so it's probably best not to complain at this point until you get rid of her. But 'fat, slightly fat' or the like is the kiss of death to men. I agree it was rude of your friend to make mention of this. But if you are an overweight woman, all bets are off and the males basically think that gives them carte blanche to talk down to you.
If you are one of these types of women they don't give a crap about what kind of non physical qualities you have. That's all well and good, but they have no right to think they can tell a woman she can't have preferences of her own. If I was the OP I wouldn't listen to anything they say , because frankly they wouldn't be "cutting her any slack."
I am 5'7 and a half and do not consider 5'10 or 5'11 to be short for a man. I don't see nothing wrong with it. I would prefers a man that is 6'1 or 6'2 but if a non famous version of Adam Levine (who is 5'10) was interested in me, you think I would pass that up? LOL. My point is that women are more likely to bend some kind of height requirement, but try getting men to bend a weight requirement for women. Yea right.
You think women care more about personality than looks and guys are the opposite? Maybe...though I have met guys who care more about personality for a relationship, but care about looks if they know it's temporary
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, because frankly they wouldn't be "cutting her any slack." 
