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Recently my girlfriend of 8 months was talking to her guy friend at 1 am. We had discussed this more than once about 5 months earlier, and how I felt that doing this was probably not the most appropriate. She agreed and promised not to do this. Even though her intentions may be pure, I just couldn't see any guy ( who also has a girlfriend ) texting another girl at 12:30 or 1 am without presuming that thats ok. I was hurt that she agreed not to but continued anyway without saying anything to me. I began to feel a tightness when her phone would beep, and did not like that I didnt trust her in this way anymore. I dont want to be "THAT" guy. So I questioned if I could be in a relationship where I was questioning like this, and I realized without trust, its not possible. Especially with all the social networking outlets, I dont want to feel that even though she say's one thing, she could be doing something totally different.
We had a little spat due to this and I told her that maybe I could not be in this relationship and be a good boyfriend whilst feeling this way. She was crying, there was a desperation, and I could feel that she didnt want to lose this. So she asked that I promised to call her back to talk more about it and I did. I decided to go over to see her instead. And when I got there ( I knocked, but she didnt answer, I had a set of keys so I just went in ) she was talking to her girlfriend on skype, and her attitude had totally changed. She had such a disgust in her voice when talking about me and made it as if its no dirt off her shoulders and how i anted to just thow it all away. I didnt even stick around as I walked in and heard this straight off that bat. She heard me leave and basically broke down trying to get me not to leave. I know she loves me, I know she realizes mistakes. I know I love her. But because of these things, I am now so insecure. I trusted her fully. But seeing this side of her where she switched from being in love and not wanting to lose out on us, to total disgust in a span of 40 minutes ( I know this was probably out of confusion and ager ) and her doing things that we discussed ample times and agreed not to, but did it anyway, I am confused.
I know people make mistakes, and these mistakes are not even big in terms of what people can do. I just have these images in my mind of someone who can show one face, and be something totally different afterwards. She told me this most recent time that after texting this guy, she wouldnt ever do anything again to make me question her loyalty, and than two days later I walk in to hear her talk about me in a way that made me sink. I know relationships are hard, and if people want things to work, they can. I just dont know how to deal with these new insecurities with trust, and hate how I feel right now. I dont want to get burned, and I dont want to become a lunatic boyfriend keeping tabs. I'm even bothered by the fact that she cheated on a past boyfriend ( she siad its because she didnt care or love him )...because in my mind maybe things could lead her to that again. Any advice?
You do not trust her. So either you and her half to work together and build some trust, or you have to leave.
Analyzing her from your post, she has a history of cheating, she is talking to another guy, and being secretive about it (behind your back after saying she wouldn't be). Yes, these are concerning signs.
On the other hand, she may also be really upset if this guy friend is just a friend, and you could be reading too much into the time of night.
I think your level of trust, and willingness to trust will determine your outcome.
If you are willing to trust in her, you are taking a risk. Anytime anyone trusts someone in a relationship, there is a risk their trust is being misplaced. Now, we give it not in the dark, but based on what we observe in their behavior to minimize risk.
If you decide to work past it, your going to have to be willing to trust her, and be comfortable that she wants to occasionally interact with her guy friend. On the other hand, she is going to have to do those interactions appropriately, and in respect to your concerns.
Yes all relationships provide their fair share of problems. But you are right, if you cant trust someone, you can never fully love them either. So although you love each other, there has to be other things present to continue to build on that love, trust being a big part of that I think. In terms of being bigger problems, of course, there always is. But thats not to say that you should neglect lesser ones either, as they can turn into something more. The fact that you feel that your trust was betrayed is valid from her continuing to text this guy late at night. And to hear anyone you care about speak down about you, especially after feeling the prior hurt, I guess would magnify that. Its a tough call, she cheated before, could it turn into that with you two, maybe...I dont think anyone can ever truly 100 percent predict these things. Insecurities can be tough, because most people deal with it by doing what the partner does to feel like they are even in a way or stop caring as much as not to get hurt. If you start getting like that, its best just to leave and maybe find someone to talk to. Best of luck man.
She has her own problems but I'm not sure the blame is all hers. I don't know what to think about you walking in unannounced, that seems like an invasion of privacy.
She has her own problems but I'm not sure the blame is all hers. I don't know what to think about you walking in unannounced, that seems like an invasion of privacy.
If she gave him a key to come and go, I am not sure that is invasion. Now, if he went in and lurked in the shadows to eavesdrop...
She has her own problems but I'm not sure the blame is all hers. I don't know what to think about you walking in unannounced, that seems like an invasion of privacy.
I have had a set of keys that she gave me for over a month. I knocked, but when no one answered I went in and immediately heard this conversation....and unfortunately, the worst part of it. I just set the keys on the counter and left. I dont want to place all the blame on her, I'm just not sure how to deal with these things.
Recently my girlfriend of 8 months was talking to her guy friend at 1 am. We had discussed this more than once about 5 months earlier, and how I felt that doing this was probably not the most appropriate. She agreed and promised not to do this. Even though her intentions may be pure, I just couldn't see any guy ( who also has a girlfriend ) texting another girl at 12:30 or 1 am without presuming that thats ok. I was hurt that she agreed not to but continued anyway without saying anything to me. I began to feel a tightness when her phone would beep, and did not like that I didnt trust her in this way anymore. I dont want to be "THAT" guy. So I questioned if I could be in a relationship where I was questioning like this, and I realized without trust, its not possible. Especially with all the social networking outlets, I dont want to feel that even though she say's one thing, she could be doing something totally different.
We had a little spat due to this and I told her that maybe I could not be in this relationship and be a good boyfriend whilst feeling this way. She was crying, there was a desperation, and I could feel that she didnt want to lose this. So she asked that I promised to call her back to talk more about it and I did. I decided to go over to see her instead. And when I got there ( I knocked, but she didnt answer, I had a set of keys so I just went in ) she was talking to her girlfriend on skype, and her attitude had totally changed. She had such a disgust in her voice when talking about me and made it as if its no dirt off her shoulders and how i anted to just thow it all away. I didnt even stick around as I walked in and heard this straight off that bat. She heard me leave and basically broke down trying to get me not to leave. I know she loves me, I know she realizes mistakes. I know I love her. But because of these things, I am now so insecure. I trusted her fully. But seeing this side of her where she switched from being in love and not wanting to lose out on us, to total disgust in a span of 40 minutes ( I know this was probably out of confusion and ager ) and her doing things that we discussed ample times and agreed not to, but did it anyway, I am confused.
I know people make mistakes, and these mistakes are not even big in terms of what people can do. I just have these images in my mind of someone who can show one face, and be something totally different afterwards. She told me this most recent time that after texting this guy, she wouldnt ever do anything again to make me question her loyalty, and than two days later I walk in to hear her talk about me in a way that made me sink. I know relationships are hard, and if people want things to work, they can. I just dont know how to deal with these new insecurities with trust, and hate how I feel right now. I dont want to get burned, and I dont want to become a lunatic boyfriend keeping tabs. I'm even bothered by the fact that she cheated on a past boyfriend ( she siad its because she didnt care or love him )...because in my mind maybe things could lead her to that again. Any advice?
I appreciate the response, but if you could elaborate that would help a bunch. If not, I'll still weigh the opinion just the same. Its just we do love each other, so its not as easy to just drop and leave.
Can you tell us more about the guy friend? Does she hang out with him a lot? Do you know whether she dated him previously? How long has she known him? Etc.
Can you tell us more about the guy friend? Does she hang out with him a lot? Do you know whether she dated him previously? How long has she known him? Etc.
Well, I do not know much. They have been friends for a few years for sure. I dont think they dated. But she does hang around old ex's and some guys she has slept with before. Now I do have to say she understands how I feel about that too, so thats been kept to a minimum. This guy as far as i know, she has never hung out with a a long while. My main issue was basically that he is texting her so late, and for hours ( from 10 to 1 am for example) she even told me she knew she shouldnt have been doing it, but figured I would understand because he's just a friend. Now being a guy myself, I never in my life have texted girls late and for hours at a time that I didnt have something for, even if I never expressed it. And the fact that she is comfortable being around past ex's and old flings, I wonder what this guy has in mind. I especially wouldnt be texting any girls late at night, who I know has a boyfriend. So I'm on edge.
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