Talk some sense into me! (wives, woman, cheat, attracted)
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I was just...needy, stupid, whatever you want to call it.
Doesn't sound like much has changed if you're seriously considering a relationship with an 18 year old.
Starting something with him is not going to bring those years back you missed becoming a wife and mother at a young age. It also wont fix you'r resentment issues.
You must not ignore or gloss over your feelings. They have to be dealt with, sooner rather than later.
Since you are concerned about throwing off his recovery, I suggest you meet with his therapist alone a few times. The therapist needs to know where your head is at in order to best help your husband, and you too.
This.
You are headed down the same road that you were hurt by. It's better to hurt him a little now with the truth than with a big long lie. Keep working on your issues together. If you both get healthy and decide it still won't work at least it won't be a big ugly mess. If you let yourself slide away like this it will.
Oh goodie. He's not an addict anymore. Now he just blows up at you when you make sexual request he doesn't like.
Look, YOU definitely need a therapist. But I wouldn't bother to try to save a relationship with a guy who is still working on his issues after 8 years. I'm not saying he should be perfect by this time, but I can't imagine being with someone who would turn sex into an argument.
Maybe he has made a lot of progress, but that doesn't mean you should stay in an unhappy marriage as his reward. I realize there are 3 kids involved, but is he really that great of a dad? Ya know, being a cheating, mentally unstable recovering addict? All the adult "kids" I know who grew up with significant mental illness in their household have serious emotional scars.
My advice is to start seeing a therapist on your own and as a couple, but at the same time start making financial preparations to withdraw yourself and your children from this scenario. And don't feel bad about it - maybe his problems aren't all his fault, but they certainly aren't YOURS.
You're 26. You have so much of life ahead of you. I realize it will be a terrible financial struggle, most likely, but there's something to be said for not being with a spouse who makes you miserable. My mother was never happy in her marriage and I don't think I ever knew who she was until she divorced my father in my 20s.
Oh goodie. He's not an addict anymore. Now he just blows up at you when you make sexual request he doesn't like.
Look, YOU definitely need a therapist. But I wouldn't bother to try to save a relationship with a guy who is still working on his issues after 8 years. I'm not saying he should be perfect by this time, but I can't imagine being with someone who would turn sex into an argument.
Maybe he has made a lot of progress, but that doesn't mean you should stay in an unhappy marriage as his reward. I realize there are 3 kids involved, but is he really that great of a dad? Ya know, being a cheating, mentally unstable recovering addict? All the adult "kids" I know who grew up with significant mental illness in their household have serious emotional scars.
My advice is to start seeing a therapist on your own and as a couple, but at the same time start making financial preparations to withdraw yourself and your children from this scenario. And don't feel bad about it - maybe his problems aren't all his fault, but they certainly aren't YOURS.
You're 26. You have so much of life ahead of you. I realize it will be a terrible financial struggle, most likely, but there's something to be said for not being with a spouse who makes you miserable. My mother was never happy in her marriage and I don't think I ever knew who she was until she divorced my father in my 20s.
What example do you want to set for your children?
A good one I presume.
You know sleeping with an 18 year old isn't a good thing. If you want to leave your husband then do things the right way. Then you are a great role model for your kids and your self esteem won't get battered.
I am pretty ashamed of my current situation and even of my feelings. I got married at 18 (8 years, 3 kids later). It has been rough. We have grown together but in certain ways we've grown apart. He has been unfaithful, mentally unstable, an addict in the past. I have been angry and cold. Now he is getting much healthier and doing very well. We work as a good team and are much better parents now. He's vert proud of his growth and he seems to think our relationship is awesome but I still have a lot of pain/resentment and I'm just not attracted to him as much. I have asked him to do certain things (concerning sex) but that blows up in an arguement and insecurity for days and I just feels so dishonest having to reassure him that he still turns me on.
Great that your husband has dealt with some of his issues! Though not all. (bolded) There is absolutely no need to blow up and feel insecure about one's partner telling on what pleases her. That's not at all a normal response, and is a sign of deeper issues on his part.
Your issue is resentment. I think both of you can get past this, if you get individual therapy. Couples therapy might work, with the right therapist, but you both need individual therapy, too. I think this marriage is salvageable, or at least, worth a try. Most of the main issues have been successfully dealt with, it sounds like, so you each have one bit left. It's possible that after he resolves his issues around sex (and pleasing you sexually), and after you resolve the resentment, he could become more attractive to you. He could actually become fun to be around, both in and out of the bedroom. What do you think, OP? Is it worth a try? Would he agree to it?
It's surely worth a try. We've both given it a lot actually. My issue really seems pretty selfish and immature when I think of the kids and how much we have both grown. I am not a perfect wife. Like I said I have lashed out in anger in years past. I guess I just wonder if there is hope for us when I am having these feelings. I can see from some posts that his response to the sexual stuff is not normal so maybe I'll try bringing that up again. Reguardless I do have a commitment to him and the kids. That comes first. Not sure what to do with all these other feelings. Some of you say "suck it up" I assume the counselor will say that too. So does that mean I am just a bad person for feeling this way? Or wrong for admitting it?
I am pretty ashamed of my current situation and even of my feelings. I got married at 18 (8 years, 3 kids later). It has been rough. We have grown together but in certain ways we've grown apart. He has been unfaithful, mentally unstable, an addict in the past. I have been angry and cold. Now he is getting much healthier and doing very well. We work as a good team and are much better parents now. He's vert proud of his growth and he seems to think our relationship is awesome but I still have a lot of pain/resentment and I'm just not attracted to him as much. I have asked him to do certain things (concerning sex) but that blows up in an arguement and insecurity for days and I just feels so dishonest having to reassure him that he still turns me on.
I realize that I am very vulnerable to other men's attention. I feel like there is something wrong with me now though because I can stop thinking about a certain young man (he is only 18 ) he has no family in the US and he spent a lot of time with us. He now lives in another state but texts me often to let me know how he is. I have never let him know that I think about him but I sometimes imagine he might have a crush on me too. I know this is wrong and it probably just has to do with wanting to be young and single again, but I am only 26! I know I will get a mix of answers here but what is the right way to focus here? I don't want to split into two people.
You sound like what a million other young married women are probably thinking. The grass is not greener on the other side of the fence, regardless of what you think. Right now if the right guy came along and sweet talked you with the right words, words you want to hear, you would cheat on your husband, and forever be sorry. Get other men out of your head, see a therapist if you must, but do something now to put an end to your foolish ideas. Jumping into someone else's bed does not solve any problems, it just creates more problems that are worse than the ones you think you have now. At 26 years of age, you have lots of good years ahead of you, don't screw them up...
It's surely worth a try. We've both given it a lot actually. My issue really seems pretty selfish and immature when I think of the kids and how much we have both grown. I am not a perfect wife. Like I said I have lashed out in anger in years past. I guess I just wonder if there is hope for us when I am having these feelings. I can see from some posts that his response to the sexual stuff is not normal so maybe I'll try bringing that up again. Reguardless I do have a commitment to him and the kids. That comes first. Not sure what to do with all these other feelings. Some of you say "suck it up" I assume the counselor will say that too. So does that mean I am just a bad person for feeling this way? Or wrong for admitting it?
You should give yourself some credit for being so open to our opinions; many others would have become defensive about the idea of therapy, 'sucking it up', and so on. You should also be commended for the support you given to your husband during his journey and your kids (many would have cut out early without thinking about how others may be impacted).
With that being said, I don't think you're wrong for having a fantasy about seeing someone else or having a romantic pretend fling as long as you don't obsess or act on these feelings; however texting back and forth and seriously considering furthering this 'relationship' isnt right. Cut off contact with the 18 year old, go to couples therapy, and talk about each others needs.
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Talk some sense into me!
) he has no family in the US and he spent a lot of time with us. He now lives in another state but texts me often to let me know how he is. I have never let him know that I think about him but I sometimes imagine he might have a crush on me too. I know this is wrong and it probably just has to do with wanting to be young and single again, but I am only 26! I know I will get a mix of answers here but what is the right way to focus here? I don't want to split into two people.
