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I am pretty ashamed of my current situation and even of my feelings. I got married at 18 (8 years, 3 kids later). It has been rough. We have grown together but in certain ways we've grown apart. He has been unfaithful, mentally unstable, an addict in the past. I have been angry and cold. Now he is getting much healthier and doing very well. We work as a good team and are much better parents now. He's vert proud of his growth and he seems to think our relationship is awesome but I still have a lot of pain/resentment and I'm just not attracted to him as much. I have asked him to do certain things (concerning sex) but that blows up in an arguement and insecurity for days and I just feels so dishonest having to reassure him that he still turns me on.
I realize that I am very vulnerable to other men's attention. I feel like there is something wrong with me now though because I can stop thinking about a certain young man (he is only 18 ) he has no family in the US and he spent a lot of time with us. He now lives in another state but texts me often to let me know how he is. I have never let him know that I think about him but I sometimes imagine he might have a crush on me too. I know this is wrong and it probably just has to do with wanting to be young and single again, but I am only 26! I know I will get a mix of answers here but what is the right way to focus here? I don't want to split into two people.
Last edited by IntheWindow; 07-26-2012 at 02:16 PM..
Reason: Typo
how did u guys get married at 18 to begin with? was it out of being pregnant? Not that this matters now but there are reasons why people dont marry so young, its because they still have a lot of growing up to do.
Stay away from the 18 year old! It sounds like your husband is trying to make amends for the past and do better...either you can forgive him of the past and focus on the future or you can't. If you can't forgive him and move on, then you might as well call it a day with this marriage IMO. A marriage where both people don't trust each other and are constantly punishing each other for things in the past isn't any kind of marriage at all. I wouldn't blame you if you couldn't. I doubt I could get past cheating. Maybe a counselor could help you two? And he definitely could use some help on some of his own insecurities...geez. No wonder you're not attracted to him!
Wow! I am your age, I cant imagine being in your position so young. Sounds like you lost your youth, are resentful at your husband for attributing to that and not being the best husband during that time. You were forced to grow up in a hurry and are trying to re-live it vicariously through this young vulnerable man (BAD idea). You and your husband need to go to therapy, not only to work through your resentment, but to understand why he's not willing to satisfy your needs sexually.
if i were you, i would keep it as a fantasy, and indulge the fantasy whenever you can (if you know what i mean). eventually the attraction will wear off. understanding it is only a consequence of being pent up will help you in the long run. and lets face it- fantasies are negotiable. they don't ruin anyone's life. and no one has to know about them. wondering about the 18 year old if only gonna lead nowhere. buy a vibrator. and teach your husband how to use it.
Bottom line: you ARE married. Work on your honesty, commitment and the vows you made, at 18 or yesterday.
The grass is never greener, and it is never a better option to decieve another for reasons of short-lived personal desire!
I am pretty ashamed of my current situation and even of my feelings. I got married at 18 (8 years, 3 kids later). It has been rough. We have grown together but in certain ways we've grown apart. He has been unfaithful, mentally unstable, an addict in the past. I have been angry and cold. Now he is getting much healthier and doing very well. We work as a good team and are much better parents now. He's vert proud of his growth and he seems to think our relationship is awesome but I still have a lot of pain/resentment and I'm just not attracted to him as much. I have asked him to do certain things (concerning sex) but that blows up in an arguement and insecurity for days and I just feels so dishonest having to reassure him that he still turns me on.
I realize that I am very vulnerable to other men's attention. I feel like there is something wrong with me now though because I can stop thinking about a certain young man (he is only 18 ) he has no family in the US and he spent a lot of time with us. He now lives in another state but texts me often to let me know how he is. I have never let him know that I think about him but I sometimes imagine he might have a crush on me too. I know this is wrong and it probably just has to do with wanting to be young and single again, but I am only 26! I know I will get a mix of answers here but what is the right way to focus here? I don't want to split into two people.
Get yourself to a therapist right away.
You need professional help to navigate these troubled waters.
You also need a plan for moving foreward (with or without your husband) that you lack the skills to come up with and implement on your own.
Go, make a phone call before your life becomes a bigger train wreck - your kids are counting on you.
Have you done any sort of couples counseling? Do you feel as though you'd be willing to work through the issues of the past and start a new relationship with your husband? I think if you're not willing to see him as a changed person and move past what's happened then your current relationship won't change and you will continue to feel miserable.
If you feel as though you're done with your relationship and are not willing to accept his change due to what has happened in the past, then I would move on. I know kids are involved and it's often best to work through your relationship issues and move forward, but if there's no change in how you and your husband view your relationship, your children will notice and may cause more problems for them in the long run.
Sounds to me like you need couples therapy and if not that then to temporarily separate. Making big decisions too quickly is usually a bad idea in your situation, including hooking up with an out of state 18 year old. You wanting him shows that you're looking for something new in your life; however he doesn't seem like a wise new choice, IMO.
Thanks. To answer a few questions: we were not pregnant when we married an he was 23. I was just...needy, stupid, whatever you want to call it.
I have done some therapy in the past. He is doing it now and I may try to get in with his counselor too. We are not super u healthy ( I know this post sounds bad ) I just needed to check myself on this.
I have always been the strong one. I stayed when it was really tough. Now I am scarred to tell him how I really feel because I don't want to throw off his recovery. But I don't think I can keep it as my little fantasy either it just makes me more dissatisfied with him and it would get too strong and I would want to act on it.
Thanks. To answer a few questions: we were not pregnant when we married an he was 23. I was just...needy, stupid, whatever you want to call it.
I have done some therapy in the past. He is doing it now and I may try to get in with his counselor too. We are not super u healthy ( I know this post sounds bad ) I just needed to check myself on this.
I have always been the strong one. I stayed when it was really tough. Now I am scarred to tell him how I really feel because I don't want to throw off his recovery. But I don't think I can keep it as my little fantasy either it just makes me more dissatisfied with him and it would get too strong and I would want to act on it.
You must not ignore or gloss over your feelings. They have to be dealt with, sooner rather than later.
Since you are concerned about throwing off his recovery, I suggest you meet with his therapist alone a few times. The therapist needs to know where your head is at in order to best help your husband, and you too.
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) he has no family in the US and he spent a lot of time with us. He now lives in another state but texts me often to let me know how he is. I have never let him know that I think about him but I sometimes imagine he might have a crush on me too. I know this is wrong and it probably just has to do with wanting to be young and single again, but I am only 26! I know I will get a mix of answers here but what is the right way to focus here? I don't want to split into two people.
