For Guys Here Who Struggle With Women Because of Anxiety/Low Confidence/Etc... (dating, wife)
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Was there a certain event, a series of events, a certain influence or something in particular that you can trace back to the beginning of your problems with dating?
For me, it was a combination of watching too much porn as a VERY young kid without having any real contact with girls (this totally retarded my development), early teasing/bullying from kids in high school (they would make fun of me for the fact that I had never done anything at all with girls at the age of 15-16 and made it seem like I would never get a girl - I totally internalized this too). The fact that I was overweight in high school made me even less interested in attempting anything. Internally, I reinforced this stuff over and over and over and over again.
After that point, I got into another destructive habit - reading PUA garbage. All PUA taught me is the common sense social skills I already have, but it made it seem like you have to be this great cassanova just to get a girl. It made dating a lot more complex and difficult in my mind than it really is. Also all the online forever alone dudes with their constant whining made me feel like you have to be flawless to get a decent looking woman
Basically, I developed every goddamn possible negative habit/mindset/attitude you could ever want to avoid as far as it comes to dating - I put women on the pedestal, had no confidence in myself, overestimated the difficulty of dating, developed a huge inferiority complex where I was always trying to prove something, hated approaching, felt very uncomfortable around women, etc... etc... Over the last few years, I've really worked hard on trying to break through all that and just make things as simple as possible and now I'm just trying to be myself and find somebody who gets along and appreciates my pace and energy. I've been dealing with very intense loneliness for quite a while now (as you guys well know by now) and it's just so hard to break out of my shell with all the negative garbage that's been in my mind over the yeaers
I honestly can't wait until the day where I have somebody that I feel a very strong connection with...this will be the greatest moments of my life
Was there a certain event, a series of events, a certain influence or something in particular that you can trace back to the beginning of your problems with dating?
For me, it was a combination of watching too much porn as a VERY young kid without having any real contact with girls (this totally retarded my development), early teasing/bullying from kids in high school (they would make fun of me for the fact that I had never done anything at all with girls at the age of 15-16 and made it seem like I would never get a girl - I totally internalized this too). The fact that I was overweight in high school made me even less interested in attempting anything. Internally, I reinforced this stuff over and over and over and over again.
After that point, I got into another destructive habit - reading PUA garbage. All PUA taught me is the common sense social skills I already have, but it made it seem like you have to be this great cassanova just to get a girl. It made dating a lot more complex and difficult in my mind than it really is. Also all the online forever alone dudes with their constant whining made me feel like you have to be flawless to get a decent looking woman
Basically, I developed every goddamn possible negative habit/mindset/attitude you could ever want to avoid as far as it comes to dating - I put women on the pedestal, had no confidence in myself, overestimated the difficulty of dating, developed a huge inferiority complex where I was always trying to prove something, hated approaching, felt very uncomfortable around women, etc... etc... Over the last few years, I've really worked hard on trying to break through all that and just make things as simple as possible and now I'm just trying to be myself and find somebody who gets along and appreciates my pace and energy. I've been dealing with very intense loneliness for quite a while now (as you guys well know by now) and it's just so hard to break out of my shell with all the negative garbage that's been in my mind over the yeaers
I honestly can't wait until the day where I have somebody that I feel a very strong connection with...this will be the greatest moments of my life
Many men go thru periods where they view hot chicks as 'rock stars' and the porn is the worst thing for a person simply because it convinces the brain that chicks are 'tv stars' and mere morals don't date tv stars.
My advice is to work on your social skills...which means starting and having conversations with people who are not on your dating radar (men, old women, etc). It can be as simple as purchasing a product in a store and talking to the salesperson in light conversation. It will train you to be 'natural' when talking to people.
Start slow to 'retrain' your brain to interact with society.
How about going to a high end store in a mall like a Nordstroms and find a cute sales girl and start a conversation with her. Tell her you're looking for a nice shirt and that you have a date and want to impress the chick.....even if you dont actually purchase a shirt, you can conversate with a cute girl who might really want to help you look snazzy for your date. Make small talk and this type of thing will help you interact with hot chicks and since you're not hitting on her and she knows you're not hitting on her, that takes all the pressure off the situation and you can have a normal conversation with a normal chick...its a good way to get started, to break out of your shell.
As far as your 'strong connection' goes i think you need to really find a strong connection with YOURSELF. Start by working on your self pride and self worth because until you have that, any strong connection you have with a girl isnt going to have a happy ending if you're still lacking any kind of self esteem.
I'm proud of you for coming on here and talking about this, i think that's the first step, you are actively trying to break out of the doldrums and you have to start somewhere.....step away from the laptop and go out in society and start interacting with people, put on a happy face and work on your social game.
Brahmabull, I'm in the same boat. The little difference is I was better socializing in school than I am now.
For me, it was a mix of a few little things. My mom used to tell me that women are better then men. This was around the time my brother and I were "coming of age". She would sit us down and tell us all about the birds and the bees. My dad wasn't allowed to at all.
There were girls from school I liked but most/all where not interested in me. They were going through me to get to my brother. Now, my brother is happily married and has a kid.
Right now, it is fear. I almost lost my job, twice, due to women. I don't talk to any of the ladies at work now, unless it's work oriented or the women I don't see myself with. Even then, I keep them at arms length and beyond.
Brahmabull, I'm in the same boat. The little difference is I was better socializing in school than I am now.
For me, it was a mix of a few little things. My mom used to tell me that women are better then men. This was around the time my brother and I were "coming of age". She would sit us down and tell us all about the birds and the bees. My dad wasn't allowed to at all.
There were girls from school I liked but most/all where not interested in me. They were going through me to get to my brother. Now, my brother is happily married and has a kid.
Right now, it is fear. I almost lost my job, twice, due to women. I don't talk to any of the ladies at work now, unless it's work oriented or the women I don't see myself with. Even then, I keep them at arms length and beyond.
This is the perfect example of a guy that needs PUA.
If you want to get girls, you have to change your personality and your situation dramatically. It definitely is possible for things to work out for you, man. Don't let anybody on this board (or anywhere else) tell you otherwise.
Just out of curiosity, how did you almost lose your job twice due to women?
It's been said already but I will echo it. Fix yourself and the rest will follow.
I was mercilessly bullied from my first day of school in this country. That killed my self-esteem pretty much entirely. In addition, I was never "good enough" for my mother. High School things got a bit better, but it wasn't until college when I decided that I hated the person I had become and put conscious effort into fixing the glaring problems in my own psyche that things started to really click for me.
As to porn, some people it affects more negatively than others. Given that I had one date through all of high school, I was rather fond of porn (and this was prior to the internet, I had a box of magazines under my bed). Now, for the most part it bores me to tears, though the wife and I do occasionally indulge together.
Was there a certain event, a series of events, a certain influence or something in particular that you can trace back to the beginning of your problems with dating?
For me, it was a combination of watching too much porn as a VERY young kid without having any real contact with girls (this totally retarded my development), early teasing/bullying from kids in high school (they would make fun of me for the fact that I had never done anything at all with girls at the age of 15-16 and made it seem like I would never get a girl - I totally internalized this too). The fact that I was overweight in high school made me even less interested in attempting anything. Internally, I reinforced this stuff over and over and over and over again.
After that point, I got into another destructive habit - reading PUA garbage. All PUA taught me is the common sense social skills I already have, but it made it seem like you have to be this great cassanova just to get a girl. It made dating a lot more complex and difficult in my mind than it really is. Also all the online forever alone dudes with their constant whining made me feel like you have to be flawless to get a decent looking woman
Basically, I developed every goddamn possible negative habit/mindset/attitude you could ever want to avoid as far as it comes to dating - I put women on the pedestal, had no confidence in myself, overestimated the difficulty of dating, developed a huge inferiority complex where I was always trying to prove something, hated approaching, felt very uncomfortable around women, etc... etc... Over the last few years, I've really worked hard on trying to break through all that and just make things as simple as possible and now I'm just trying to be myself and find somebody who gets along and appreciates my pace and energy. I've been dealing with very intense loneliness for quite a while now (as you guys well know by now) and it's just so hard to break out of my shell with all the negative garbage that's been in my mind over the yeaers
I honestly can't wait until the day where I have somebody that I feel a very strong connection with...this will be the greatest moments of my life
These problems aren't unique to you and over the coming years it's going to get worse. Realize that the vast vast majority of kids are first exposed to sex over a computer, and there is very little that can be done to stop that. It's actually pretty scary.
Innocence has been lost with this generation....10 years prior to the up and commers. We've been exposed to some of the nastiest sexual crap that humans have ever come up with and women more and more are looked at as simple masturbation tools. It's going to be a rough couple decades for men. You're at the tip of a fundamental shift, and it's not for the better.
Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rhacer
It's been said already but I will echo it. Fix yourself and the rest will follow.
I was mercilessly bullied from my first day of school in this country. That killed my self-esteem pretty much entirely. In addition, I was never "good enough" for my mother. High School things got a bit better, but it wasn't until college when I decided that I hated the person I had become and put conscious effort into fixing the glaring problems in my own psyche that things started to really click for me.
As to porn, some people it affects more negatively than others. Given that I had one date through all of high school, I was rather fond of porn (and this was prior to the internet, I had a box of magazines under my bed). Now, for the most part it bores me to tears, though the wife and I do occasionally indulge together.
^Bolded text.
I was terrorized from 6th grade until 10th grade when I moved out of the school district. I remember one time I asked a girl out and then got clowned by a lot of people. Bye-bye self-confidence. My self-confidence took 6 years to get to the just over mediocre level it is at now from rock bottom when I moved. Once I built up enough in me to go out and meet new people, I got enough confidence to talk to women, even if exclusively in online dating right now.
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