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Hello, I'm about 33 years old, and I recently got out of a Friends with benefit situation with a woman 22 years old (11 years my junior). I'll try to make it as concise as possible. Basically I have been living in Seattle for about 7 months, and since that time I have been carrying on a very hot sexual relationship with a much younger woman. I was lonley, she was there, it happened, it was never meant to be seriously. But over time I started to evaluate my life, and I realized that the relationship was unhealthy. I also realized that we started to develop incredible chemistry. Looking at the situation I realized that I may be getting a little too attached, so last Friday I decided to break it to her that I wanted to stay friends, but didn't want to continue doing what we've been doing. My reason was that I wanted a deeper relationship with someone. She somewhat agreed and took it very well. She also revealed to me she had been on and off with her daugher's father, and she's getting to the point in her life she's tired of waiting for him, and she felt I was a great alternative to her baby's father. The breakup date went very well, and I was looking forward to our continued friendship.
Unfortunately though I haven't been able to stop thinking about her. The bottomline is that she makes me happy, despite her being very young, and in a shaky situation with her child's father. I know it can't work, but knowing it can't work doesn't seem to be enough of deterrent. I simply think about her all the time. I text her the other day and asked if she would like to get together in March (as a bit of a status update to touch base) and she said that's fine. But she also said she would love to see me before then. I really do think she's heavily entertaining me for a relationship, and I'm sure I could have one with her if I wanted to go there. But I don't because she's just too young. How do I stop from thinking about her? I really want to text or called her. It's like I love her company, but it's only going to make things worse. Any suggestions?
It's obvious that you both like each other but make sure she isn't just trying to get you to help support her and her child. Does she work? Go to school? Take care of herself? How is she with her child? Is she mature enough to have a child?
If she's not top notch then you need to forget about it. If you really think she is a great person to be in a relationship though, it's obvious that she wants to be with you just as much as you wanna be with her. So just be straight with her and in March be like yo lady let's date and tell her all about your feelings and mushy mushy junk.
But do not fall hard enough for this chick to start supporting her and taking crap from her.
You are not going to want to hear the advice I'm about to give. But, I'm no 33 year old guy that can't make up his mind what he wants to do. I've been down many of life's roads that you haven't traveled yet. I could tell you and explain to you how you could get her out of your mind, but I don't think that is what you should do. Eleven years is nothing, that is the difference in my age and the age of my wife. It hasn't caused us any problems, on the contrary, it has made me feel younger and most of our friends guess my age as much younger. So, get out of your head the idea that she is too young. What you need to do is set down and have a good conversation, tell her exactly how you feel about her. She probably wouldn't give her son's father a second thought if she didn't detect your hesitation. If you love her and all you can think about is her, then what in hell more do you need? TALK to her. You might be missing out on the best woman you will ever have the pleasure of spending the rest of your life with. Understand I'm not saying you should support her. I'm saying you need to talk to her, tell her how you feel and find out for sure how she feels. Ask her if she is interested in an exclusive relationship with you and possible marriage in the future? The sex will get better, but don't hesitate to discuss that with her also. Lay all your cards on the table, tell her your fears, but let her know you care for her.
Last edited by Nite Ryder; 01-05-2013 at 05:06 PM..
You are not going to want to hear the advice I'm about to give. But, I'm no 33 year old guy that can't make up his mind what he wants to do. I've been down many of life's roads that you haven't traveled yet. I could tell you and explain to you how you could get her out of your mind, but I don't think that is what you should do. Eleven years is nothing, that is the difference in my age and the age of my wife. It hasn't caused us any problems, on the contrary, it has made me feel younger and most of our friends guess my age as much younger. So, get out of your head the idea that she is too young. What you need to do is set down and have a good conversation, tell her exactly how you feel about her. She probably wouldn't give her son's father a second thought if she didn't detect your hesitation. If you love her and all you can think about is her, then what in hell more do you need? TALK to her. You might be missing out on the best woman you will ever have the pleasure of spending the rest of your life with. Understand I'm not saying you should support her. I'm saying you need to talk to her, tell her how you feel and find out for sure how she feels. Ask her if she is interested in an exclusive relationship with you and possible marriage in the future? The sex will get better, but don't hesitate to discuss that with her also. Lay all your cards on the table, tell her your fears, but let her know you care for her.
Wow. I'm impressed. (Not that it matters. Just sayin'. )
Wow. I'm impressed. (Not that it matters. Just sayin'. )
Yeah, me too. Not what I expected from Nite Ryder!
OP, you asked how to stop thinking about her. Obsessive thinking is a habit that has to be consciously broken. Each moment that you find yourself thinking of her, and I know it can be constant, you have to have a "code word" to stop the thought. Even if you have to just say to yourself, "Stop!," it just is an act of stopping the old habits in their tracks.
By fantasizing about her so much, you are not being present in your own life and missing out on daily experiences.
BUT ...
Is this what you want? Do you want to stop thinking about her, or is there a chance you're in love with her?
I agree that you should level with her. All "babydaddy drama" is not the same, and connections like you describe are rare.
Yeah, me too. Not what I expected from Nite Ryder!
OP, you asked how to stop thinking about her. Obsessive thinking is a habit that has to be consciously broken. Each moment that you find yourself thinking of her, and I know it can be constant, you have to have a "code word" to stop the thought. Even if you have to just say to yourself, "Stop!," it just is an act of stopping the old habits in their tracks.
By fantasizing about her so much, you are not being present in your own life and missing out on daily experiences.
BUT ...
Is this what you want? Do you want to stop thinking about her, or is there a chance you're in love with her?
I agree that you should level with her. All "babydaddy drama" is not the same, and connections like you describe are rare.
Sorry to disappoint you. What did you expect? I gave what I thought was the best advice for the situation. Eleven years difference in age is really nothing, and the older you get the less significance that age difference is. Back in my youth when I was age 42 I had a very similar situation with a beautiful, petite young lady of about age 25. She was in love with me only because during our relationship I treated her well. She had two failed marriages, both guys beat on her and blacked an eye at times. I wondered if it was something she did that brought out the worst in these two guys, if it was, I couldn't see it. She had a 10 year old daughter that acted like she was 18, to me that was the only red flag. She was a technician in a hospital operating room. Telling her I couldn't continue on in a relationship with her was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. To this day I'm haunted about what could have been, or might have been. There are times I wish I would have set her down and talked to her, there are times I wish I wouldn't have made any hasty decision. When I say 'I've been there', I mean it.
Hello, I'm about 33 years old, and I recently got out of a Friends with benefit situation with a woman 22 years old (11 years my junior). I'll try to make it as concise as possible. Basically I have been living in Seattle for about 7 months, and since that time I have been carrying on a very hot sexual relationship with a much younger woman. I was lonley, she was there, it happened, it was never meant to be seriously. But over time I started to evaluate my life, and I realized that the relationship was unhealthy. I also realized that we started to develop incredible chemistry. Looking at the situation I realized that I may be getting a little too attached, so last Friday I decided to break it to her that I wanted to stay friends, but didn't want to continue doing what we've been doing. My reason was that I wanted a deeper relationship with someone.
Are you sure you weren't/aren't scared of getting to close to her. Did you pick someone who wasn't really well-suited for this "deeper relationship" you want (on purpose or subconsciously), but it turned out otherwise?
Unfortunately though I haven't been able to stop thinking about her. The bottomline is that she makes me happy, despite her being very young, and in a shaky situation with her child's father. I know it can't work, but knowing it can't work doesn't seem to be enough of deterrent. I simply think about her all the time. I text her the other day and asked if she would like to get together in March (as a bit of a status update to touch base) and she said that's fine. But she also said she would love to see me before then. I really do think she's heavily entertaining me for a relationship, and I'm sure I could have one with her if I wanted to go there. But I don't because she's just too young. How do I stop from thinking about her? I really want to text or called her. It's like I love her company, but it's only going to make things worse. Any suggestions?
If you really want to stop thinking about her, or think about her less, then cut all contact, delete her from Facebook, and wait for time to do it's thing.
Sorry to disappoint you. What did you expect? I gave what I thought was the best advice for the situation. Eleven years difference in age is really nothing, and the older you get the less significance that age difference is. Back in my youth when I was age 42 I had a very similar situation with a beautiful, petite young lady of about age 25. She was in love with me only because during our relationship I treated her well. She had two failed marriages, both guys beat on her and blacked an eye at times. I wondered if it was something she did that brought out the worst in these two guys, if it was, I couldn't see it. She had a 10 year old daughter that acted like she was 18, to me that was the only red flag. She was a technician in a hospital operating room. Telling her I couldn't continue on in a relationship with her was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. To this day I'm haunted about what could have been, or might have been. There are times I wish I would have set her down and talked to her, there are times I wish I wouldn't have made any hasty decision. When I say 'I've been there', I mean it.
I never said your answer was disappointing. I said the opposite and even repped you.
I thought your advice was great. Did I type it in a foreign language??
Hello, I'm about 33 years old, and I recently got out of a Friends with benefit situation with a woman 22 years old (11 years my junior). I'll try to make it as concise as possible. Basically I have been living in Seattle for about 7 months, and since that time I have been carrying on a very hot sexual relationship with a much younger woman. I was lonley, she was there, it happened, it was never meant to be seriously. But over time I started to evaluate my life, and I realized that the relationship was unhealthy. I also realized that we started to develop incredible chemistry. Looking at the situation I realized that I may be getting a little too attached, so last Friday I decided to break it to her that I wanted to stay friends, but didn't want to continue doing what we've been doing. My reason was that I wanted a deeper relationship with someone. She somewhat agreed and took it very well. She also revealed to me she had been on and off with her daugher's father, and she's getting to the point in her life she's tired of waiting for him, and she felt I was a great alternative to her baby's father. The breakup date went very well, and I was looking forward to our continued friendship.
Unfortunately though I haven't been able to stop thinking about her. The bottomline is that she makes me happy, despite her being very young, and in a shaky situation with her child's father. I know it can't work, but knowing it can't work doesn't seem to be enough of deterrent. I simply think about her all the time. I text her the other day and asked if she would like to get together in March (as a bit of a status update to touch base) and she said that's fine. But she also said she would love to see me before then. I really do think she's heavily entertaining me for a relationship, and I'm sure I could have one with her if I wanted to go there. But I don't because she's just too young. How do I stop from thinking about her? I really want to text or called her. It's like I love her company, but it's only going to make things worse. Any suggestions?
Eleven years CAN be a lot between two people -- but it doesn't have to be. It depends on the people involved.
Quite frankly, that particular breakup you described is about as clean and well-handled as any I can imagine between two people, certainly better-handled than the majority out there.
If you're thinking of trying things with this young woman (she shouldn't be referred to as a girl by you or by us) then what you'll discover is that a real relationship is quite different than a FWB situation. The FWB situation is a lot more casual in nature, and there is a distinct undercurrent of awareness that neither of you has any specific hold or claim on the other. In fact pretty much the ONLY way FWB can really work is IF neither of you holds a specific interest in the other beyond sexual gratification (presumed mutual for the sake of courtesy).
Once that changes, so does the nature of the relationship and the nature of the demands which go along with it.
Now I know as soon as I say demands everyone under the sun balks and yells internally, because "there aren't supposed to be demands in a real relationship!" But if demands is too strong then expectations will serve well enough for such sensibilities -- and there ARE expectations to consider.
For one, in a FWB situation, no questions are generally asked; it simply IS. No one really ever stops to question whether this person is seeing others as well unless it's brought up or they observe something, and THEN the question, the sense of uh-oh leaps to mind. Prior to that it's not even considered.
In a dedicated relationship, the first expectation is fidelity.
Second comes the amount of time dedicated to the other person. No one may state it that way, but things can't be ONLY as casual as they were as FWB because let's face it, that is NOT the same as having a boy or girlfriend; if you tried to keep things that way in short order someone would be feeling gypped.
Third, with the amount of time spent together increasing, ANY similarities may be more thoroughly enjoyed; but any differences also begin to develop a glare. THAT is simple enough to cope with once one wraps the mind around the fact that this is perfectly normal and a risk everyone takes with any relationship -- but having spent time AS FWB with this person, you may find you come into it with some preconceived notions.
If you're NOT thinking of this and you actually want to forget her, then either A) TIME and distraction, you'll get used to the new routine, or B) meet someone new.
After all, you're the one who broke this off, so I presume you at least had some semblance of ready to move on in your gut.
Hello, I'm about 33 years old, and I recently got out of a Friends with benefit situation with a woman 22 years old (11 years my junior). I'll try to make it as concise as possible. Basically I have been living in Seattle for about 7 months, and since that time I have been carrying on a very hot sexual relationship with a much younger woman. I was lonley, she was there, it happened, it was never meant to be seriously. But over time I started to evaluate my life, and I realized that the relationship was unhealthy. I also realized that we started to develop incredible chemistry. Looking at the situation I realized that I may be getting a little too attached, so last Friday I decided to break it to her that I wanted to stay friends, but didn't want to continue doing what we've been doing. My reason was that I wanted a deeper relationship with someone. She somewhat agreed and took it very well. She also revealed to me she had been on and off with her daugher's father, and she's getting to the point in her life she's tired of waiting for him, and she felt I was a great alternative to her baby's father. The breakup date went very well, and I was looking forward to our continued friendship.
Unfortunately though I haven't been able to stop thinking about her. The bottomline is that she makes me happy, despite her being very young, and in a shaky situation with her child's father. I know it can't work, but knowing it can't work doesn't seem to be enough of deterrent. I simply think about her all the time. I text her the other day and asked if she would like to get together in March (as a bit of a status update to touch base) and she said that's fine. But she also said she would love to see me before then. I really do think she's heavily entertaining me for a relationship, and I'm sure I could have one with her if I wanted to go there. But I don't because she's just too young. How do I stop from thinking about her? I really want to text or called her. It's like I love her company, but it's only going to make things worse. Any suggestions?
If you like this female and you both get along and enjoy each others company well age is just a number, why not speak to her and see how she feels? She also has a child which normally settles a person regardless of age so although shes 22 its possible shes more mature than females older due to her responsibilities as a mother........... But if she's just someone to pass the time then don't lead her on by seeing her regularly that's not nice.
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Just sayin'. 
)
How do I stop thinking about her?
