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The problem with the boringness of our conversations and outings are mainly the fact that I always initiate or plan. I feel that I put so much effort into this relationship and he's just along for the ride.
I don't want to go the route of leaving him because I think I can do better... I just want to find someone that keeps me happy after 5 years. But one of my biggest fears in ending this is regretting it in the future. I know lots of women who are married to deadbeats. Should I just be happy that he doesn't demean me or have zero goals in life like some of my friend's husbands?
I don't know whether you should stay with this guy but I do know this: no man will ever "keep you happy after 5 years." That isn't your partners job, its your job. Until you change your mindset on this, you will never have a satisfying ltr. Happiness comes from within, not from other people.
To me, if one person is 'unsure', then that means they shouldn't marry the other person. You either know or you don't. Yes mean yes. Anything else (no, I dont know, etc) means no.
There is a chance you will feel this way with everyone. And, chances are, you may realize after the fact that you made a huge mistake.
I want to play devils advocate here. Is there really that much harm in settling? I'm not saying settling for an alcoholic, recreational drug user, or someone who is lazy, but settling someone that doesn't meet all your needs? I think as humans we can put too much value on the whirlwind of emotions and how we want to feel that feeling forever. I would imagine more women want to feel this way, since they are biologically more emotional than men.
For every woman I've seen that dated a guy who made her "emotionally crazy", there was that same woman that was dealing with women calling or texting saying her man slept with her the night before. For every guy that I've seen that wants a woman with a thin waist, perky breast, tan body, and blonde hair; there's a guy who is going broke trying to keep up with the Jones' to make his lady happpy.
Maybe I'm too realistic, but I'll substitute some physical attraction, to not add financial or emotional stress in a relationship. I'm no prince charming and I've never been one to be attracted to a princess; however, I've always been able to do a few things right. Finish college, earn a career, and remain gainfully employed with an increasing salary. For me, that makes me feel good. I ride the straight and narrow and don't vere to the sides often.
This thread was interesting today, since I see so many stupid shares on FB about not making a guy a priority when they are only making you an option. Sad part is that the people that post these will turn down guys or girls who would adore them, yet they aren't super attractive. Looks will fade for everyone, but the ability to provide financially fades much slower than looks.
You know what? If you're done you're done! Only you can decide that for yourself. I just think that after 5 years ... if you still have ANY love for this guy at all .... you sit him down, you have the talk, you give him a chance to change things. If it doesn't work out at least you won't wonder "What if" 10 years down the road.
That's what I would I do anyway. If you don't care about him anymore don't bother.
The two of you need to sit down and decide where you're going in your relationship and whether or not you want to marry each other in the future. You both may love each other but could be feeling stuck and uncomfortable about what to do next.
After five years it's probably safe to have this discussion without freaking out your partner or putting too much pressure on yourselves. He may be feeling the same as you do -- or he might surprise you and feel perfectly happy and want things to continue on the same way.
My guess is that you should try dating other people. If you're putting in most of the effort now, it won't get better in the future.
Some of you may say that the fact that I'm questioning my love for my boyfriend is evident enough, but I'm still confused. There are times I look at him and feel really happy and think we could get married. Other times I am scared to death of committing to him. We've been together for over five years and I often feel bored and unattracted to him. There's nothing wrong with him, he's a nice guy, hardworking, has similar interests as me and he's funny (he still makes me laugh at times).
But I'm worried I'm getting to a point where I'm just settling, which I know is dangerous for a couple inching towards engagement/marriage. At the same time, the thought of breaking it off also scares me. I'm almost 30 years old and all of my single girlfriends tell me horror stories about their dating experiences. What if I can't find another good guy?
Does anyone have a similar experience to share?
Do Not Settle. My Story:
Dated my college bf 5 years. It was comfortable and safe. I was nearing 30. I was working on my career and myself. He was nice, hard-working, and funny. I realized I was often bored and unattracted to him, but the relationship had been a "safety net" as I began life on my own. He asked me to marry him because "it was time." I said "No." I was convinced I wouldn't ever marry/have kids and accepted it, but I preferred that to "settling." I began extensive traveling, making new friends, learned new hobbies, etc.. I was happy, content, confident to be on my own.
I saw a beautiful man in a ski lodge. We struck up a conversation. We immediately felt something powerful between us. Something completely opposite of "settling" (He had also been in a 5 year LTR). We have been inseparable for over 15 years. I have never once felt bored or unattracted to him. I can't get enough of the guy and he can't get enough of me. We even created a business so we can work together every day. There are many successful love stories like this. My advice: Do not be scared to be alone. Do Not Settle.
Quote:
Originally Posted by OngletNYC
I don't know whether you should stay with this guy but I do know this: no man will ever "keep you happy after 5 years." That isn't your partners job, its your job. Until you change your mindset on this, you will never have a satisfying ltr. Happiness comes from within, not from other people.
I want to play devils advocate here. Is there really that much harm in settling? I'm not saying settling for an alcoholic, recreational drug user, or someone who is lazy, but settling someone that doesn't meet all your needs? I think as humans we can put too much value on the whirlwind of emotions and how we want to feel that feeling forever. I would imagine more women want to feel this way, since they are biologically more emotional than men.
For every woman I've seen that dated a guy who made her "emotionally crazy", there was that same woman that was dealing with women calling or texting saying her man slept with her the night before. For every guy that I've seen that wants a woman with a thin waist, perky breast, tan body, and blonde hair; there's a guy who is going broke trying to keep up with the Jones' to make his lady happpy.
Maybe I'm too realistic, but I'll substitute some physical attraction, to not add financial or emotional stress in a relationship. I'm no prince charming and I've never been one to be attracted to a princess; however, I've always been able to do a few things right. Finish college, earn a career, and remain gainfully employed with an increasing salary. For me, that makes me feel good. I ride the straight and narrow and don't vere to the sides often.
This thread was interesting today, since I see so many stupid shares on FB about not making a guy a priority when they are only making you an option. Sad part is that the people that post these will turn down guys or girls who would adore them, yet they aren't super attractive. Looks will fade for everyone, but the ability to provide financially fades much slower than looks.
There is nothing wrong with settling if the people doing the settling have the character to follow it through to the end. But so often people marry someone they shouldn't have, meet someone else, and then blow up their family by cheating and/or leaving for the new person who sweeps them off of their feet.
There is nothing wrong with settling if the people doing the settling have the character to follow it through to the end.
Maybe I'm a romantic, but it always makes me sad when I hear things like this. Why is there "nothing wrong with settling?" Why would someone just want to "settle" instead of trying to find that love they can't bear to be without? I once congratulated a friend on an engagement and she said "Well, I don't think I'll be able to find anyone better." I thought that was the saddest response. I'd prefer to be alone than just merely settle for someone.
There is nothing wrong with settling if the people doing the settling have the character to follow it through to the end. But so often people marry someone they shouldn't have, meet someone else, and then blow up their family by cheating and/or leaving for the new person who sweeps them off of their feet.
Maybe I'm a romantic, but it always makes me sad when I hear things like this. Why is there "nothing wrong with settling?" Why would someone just want to "settle" instead of trying to find that love they can't bear to be without? I once congratulated a friend on an engagement and she said "Well, I don't think I'll be able to find anyone better." I thought that was the saddest response. I'd prefer to be alone than just merely settle for someone.
"Settling" is very much a part of every long term relationship; without settling there is no relationship. No one person can give you 100% of what you desire (and many of your desires aren't necessary, and sometimes actually hurt you) nor can you fufill 100% of someone else's needs. "A love you can't bear to live without" does not exist outside of movies.
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