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If after five years you are questioning it, you have invested five years, and by that time you should 'know'. I would have a long talk with him and see how he feels.
I have several friends who are divorced now. They said walking down the aisle, they were questioning if they were doing the right thing. My friends who are still married, never had a question in their mind.
I think it's kind of nice when a man is sick and the woman calls the doctor for him. And the other way around too. What is this dumb American thing where everybody has to do EVERYTHING on their own or else they are looking to be "mothered"? Gee, sometimes it's nice in a relationship when people take care of each other.
so here is my question to the OP: Does you S.O. do ANYTHING for you? Anything to take care of you? If the answer is "no" then I will shut up.
On occasion, he does something nice like offer to treat me to dinner and a movie, but most of the time I'm putting the effort into making plans. He also picked up medicine for me when I had a fever... once (granted, I don't get sick often).
Another example, when I come home from work before he does - I always plan dinner (unless I feel sick, then I ask him to pick something up). He doesn't get home before me too often, but when he does he NEVER cooks anything. I walk into our apartment and he's playing video games or watching TV. It's driving me nuts!
Someone else on this post mentioned that you have to be happy with yourself before you can be happy with another. I do suffer from recurring depression but I've always attributed it to being unhappy in my career. Maybe this is something I should consider...
Some of you may say that the fact that I'm questioning my love for my boyfriend is evident enough, but I'm still confused. There are times I look at him and feel really happy and think we could get married. Other times I am scared to death of committing to him. We've been together for over five years and I often feel bored and unattracted to him. There's nothing wrong with him, he's a nice guy, hardworking, has similar interests as me and he's funny (he still makes me laugh at times).
But I'm worried I'm getting to a point where I'm just settling, which I know is dangerous for a couple inching towards engagement/marriage. At the same time, the thought of breaking it off also scares me. I'm almost 30 years old and all of my single girlfriends tell me horror stories about their dating experiences. What if I can't find another good guy?
Does anyone have a similar experience to share?
Unfortunately I don't, but I'll throw this out there anyway: everybody settles. You settle in court. You settle on the car you can afford to drive off the lot in. You settle on what to have for dinner that night. Settling and compromise is just life.
You can leave him if you want...if you think you really can do better. It's a roll of the dice. If you're 30 and still attractive and childless, you're still a pretty hot commodity in the dating world. Late 30's, like when you're closer to 40 than 29, is when it gets tougher for women.
Don't tell him any of this, especially if you're not sure yourself just now. That's terrible advice. Give it a few months and see how you feel. Don't do anything rash or impulsive.
Make sure you aren't just taking him for granted. It's easy to think "I can do better", but it's not so easy to actually find "better". The dating world can be cruel and vicious and I wouldn't suggest jumping back into it unless you are certain that you are unhappy in your relationship. Personally, I have never been in a relationship over a year and a half but I have been told that every relationship has phases where you feel bored of your partner. Maybe you're just in a rut in your relationship? Perhaps try doing something new together to spice it up a little bit.
Have you talked to him about some of the things that are bothering you? Men aren't mind readers and they don't take hints. You may have dropped a million hints that you'd like him to cook dinner but until you say "honey could you make something for dinner tonight" he probably doesn't know you want him to make dinner.
I think there is a difference in settling and being realistic. Settling means you know someone isn't right for you but you go along with things anyway. I do believe there are people who find "true love" and they are crazy for each other for the rest of their lives, but for most people love is work. Somedays you don't like your partner and you have to make a choice to love them anyway. You make a choice to talk and spend time together when you're drifting apart. You focus on the good things they do and the things you like about them instead of the things they do that drive you nuts.
I can tell you good guys are hard to find. How will you feel if in 5 years this guy is married with kids and you're single? Maybe you guys aren't right for each other and you should leave, but I would think long and hard about it. The grass isn't always greener on the other side and if you let him go you might come to regret it. Talk to him!! Seriously. Tell him that you feel like his mom sometimes, that you need him to take initiative in planning things for you guys to do. How will you know if you don't give him a chance to fix things?
Interesting thread. I'm going through the "am I settling" issue as well. Was with a guy about 4.5 years who had a million red flags, moved in with him anyway and tried to be what he needed, only to find out nothing was never enough for him... well, that lasted about a year before I couldn't take the stress of our relationship anymore. Anger problems, extreme anxiety, jealousy, controlling behavior, smothering, sex addiction... plus he had a small child and I never wanted kids - felt trapped and smothered by that life. Basically I had very legitimate, concrete reasons for leaving this guy. It took a long time for me to get up the courage to leave, because on the flip side of all that he was comfortable, and very much my best friend.
We broke up and I eventually started dating this other guy. Very much attracted to him physically and intellectually. He's very laid back and emotionally stable, happy with the simple things, wouldn't hurt me - but in contrast to my ex, it's almost boring. And our baseline friendship and interactions aren't as fluid/comfortable as they were/are with my ex - which of course they wouldn't be, since I've known him about 2 months and was with my ex for nearly 5 years. When I think about this guy and how much better a life with him would be as opposed to my ex, it's AWESOME. He is just starting out in his career also, up for moving to the place I want to move to, doesn't want kids, likes to travel, etc. But I keep getting stuck on the fact that he is a little boring and sometimes I feel we have nothing to talk about. Both of us are introverts and my ex was more extroverted and tended to drag it out of me - that's what I'm used to.
So I find myself in the weird position of wondering if I'm settling because the friendship behind the relationship isn't as good as the previous one. Even though with the previous one, I would have been settling for a life I didn't want, giving up career options, etc.
Maybe I just over-analyze and can't be happy. I find that with women these days, that's a big problem. We have so many more options than our grandmothers did, or even our mothers, that it's so hard to make a decision sometimes.
Do you know what settling means? It means looking at all of your options and making a choice. The happiest married couples are so because they settled for each other. They could have stayed single or married someone else but they determined that this person is the one. That is what is meant by settling down. I don't know why the word has such a negative connotation. Nobody has to settle for less. Settle for the best if you want. But whatever, it should be mutual and all cards should be on the table.
"Settling" is not the same as "settling down." But I will change my word choice to be more precise for you, although I believe most people understand the meaning of "settling" in this context has evolved to mean "settle for" which seems apparent in the OP's title/posts. (See below for dictionary definitions)
I do not believe one should "settle for" a mate. I am all for "settling down" with the right mate though... I think plenty of people do "settle for" though, and I think that would be a mistake for myself as I would rather be alone than "settle for." Others have a different view.
Unfortunately I don't, but I'll throw this out there anyway: everybody settles. You settle in court. You settle on the car you can afford to drive off the lot in. You settle on what to have for dinner that night. Settling and compromise is just life.
You can leave him if you want...if you think you really can do better.
Not everyone "settles for" or stays with someone because they don't think they can do better. I would always choose to be alone than "settle for." It does seem like I am in the minority with this outlook though.
Have you talked to him about some of the things that are bothering you? Men aren't mind readers and they don't take hints. You may have dropped a million hints that you'd like him to cook dinner but until you say "honey could you make something for dinner tonight" he probably doesn't know you want him to make dinner.
I think there is a difference in settling and being realistic. Settling means you know someone isn't right for you but you go along with things anyway. I do believe there are people who find "true love" and they are crazy for each other for the rest of their lives, but for most people love is work. Somedays you don't like your partner and you have to make a choice to love them anyway. You make a choice to talk and spend time together when you're drifting apart. You focus on the good things they do and the things you like about them instead of the things they do that drive you nuts.
I can tell you good guys are hard to find. How will you feel if in 5 years this guy is married with kids and you're single? Maybe you guys aren't right for each other and you should leave, but I would think long and hard about it. The grass isn't always greener on the other side and if you let him go you might come to regret it. Talk to him!! Seriously. Tell him that you feel like his mom sometimes, that you need him to take initiative in planning things for you guys to do. How will you know if you don't give him a chance to fix things?
I learned this the hard way with my first love and girlfriend. I was going out and partying and leaving her at home. When I saw all the other women out, that seemingly looked more attractive than my current gf, I decided I would break things off. It's been close to 4 year since we ended things, and it took me close to 3 years to get back on my feet after the breakup.
In hindsight, she was a good match for me and I blew it. She's married and happy now, and we still cross paths from time to time. She will always be the "one that got away", but I had to realize the only person to blame is me. I chose to end things and not focus on my relationship. So if you want to end a relationship, make sure you have exhausted your remedies. It truly isn't always greener on the other side, just like this person has said.
Interesting thread. I'm going through the "am I settling" issue as well. Was with a guy about 4.5 years who had a million red flags, moved in with him anyway and tried to be what he needed, only to find out nothing was never enough for him... well, that lasted about a year before I couldn't take the stress of our relationship anymore. Anger problems, extreme anxiety, jealousy, controlling behavior, smothering, sex addiction... plus he had a small child and I never wanted kids - felt trapped and smothered by that life. Basically I had very legitimate, concrete reasons for leaving this guy. It took a long time for me to get up the courage to leave, because on the flip side of all that he was comfortable, and very much my best friend.
We broke up and I eventually started dating this other guy. Very much attracted to him physically and intellectually. He's very laid back and emotionally stable, happy with the simple things, wouldn't hurt me - but in contrast to my ex, it's almost boring. And our baseline friendship and interactions aren't as fluid/comfortable as they were/are with my ex - which of course they wouldn't be, since I've known him about 2 months and was with my ex for nearly 5 years. When I think about this guy and how much better a life with him would be as opposed to my ex, it's AWESOME. He is just starting out in his career also, up for moving to the place I want to move to, doesn't want kids, likes to travel, etc. But I keep getting stuck on the fact that he is a little boring and sometimes I feel we have nothing to talk about. Both of us are introverts and my ex was more extroverted and tended to drag it out of me - that's what I'm used to.
So I find myself in the weird position of wondering if I'm settling because the friendship behind the relationship isn't as good as the previous one. Even though with the previous one, I would have been settling for a life I didn't want, giving up career options, etc.
Maybe I just over-analyze and can't be happy. I find that with women these days, that's a big problem. We have so many more options than our grandmothers did, or even our mothers, that it's so hard to make a decision sometimes.
He's boring because you never knew what to expect when you would go home to your ex. You haven't had enough experience being in a normal relationship. What I would consider a normal relationship is a bit on the boring side. You aren't arguing nearly as much, so your emotions are naturally calmer. I went through the same thing with my last ex. My emotions were always on high alert, which caused me an enormous amount of stress.
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