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I've read the entire thread. Sleeping in bed with another woman is a complete dealbreaker whether sex occurred or not and you'd have a very hard time convincing me of the NOT! However, having been married over 15 years and together over 20 I'm going to agree with a few unpopluar opinions....
It's very apparent, (even if you had not stated that your marriage was experiencing a season of trial--- that your marriage was going through trial!!!) and your behavior toward your mil death and his decision to seek comfort elsewhere was simply a manifestation. At the end of the day, despite the other very unfortunate things going on in your life at the time, you simply did not like your mil and did not want to go to the funeral in an effort to support your husband!!!! Beyond selfish! and yes, I read that he stated that it was okay for you to do so. Your decision, was a reflection of the state of your marriage at the time! (For the record, I have lost a paternal aunt, have one living who has had breast cancer twice, my paternal grandmother had breast cancer, my paternal sister has had both breast and ovarian cancer. I had a biopsy on one breast 10 years ago and currently have two lumps in my breast that are being monitored. At some point I'm gonna need to wo-man up and have that genetic testing done. I'm sure I already know the results though).
His decision, was a reflection of the state of your marriage at the time. If both of you will decide to uncover and discover the root of the hurt that exists within each of you individually and then as marriage partners, your marriage is beyond salvagable! When you become willing to admit that despite the circumstance, as a wife you should have been more supportive of your husband at the time of mil's death and well before then, and if he will admit that well before that incident he was too prideful or cowardly or dejected to seek his wife for "companionship" you can begin to heal and let past decisions stay in the past!
I've read the entire thread. Sleeping in bed with another woman is a complete dealbreaker whether sex occurred or not and you'd have a very hard time convincing me of the NOT! However, having been married over 15 years and together over 20 I'm going to agree with a few unpopluar opinions....
It's very apparent, (even if you had not stated that your marriage was experiencing a season of trial--- that your marriage was going through trial!!!) and your behavior toward your mil death and his decision to seek comfort elsewhere was simply a manifestation. At the end of the day, despite the other very unfortunate things going on in your life at the time, you simply did not like your mil and did not want to go to the funeral in an effort to support your husband!!!! Beyond selfish! and yes, I read that he stated that it was okay for you to do so. Your decision, was a reflection of the state of your marriage at the time! (For the record, I have lost a paternal aunt, have one living who has had breast cancer twice, my paternal grandmother had breast cancer, my paternal sister has had both breast and ovarian cancer. I had a biopsy on one breast 10 years ago and currently have two lumps in my breast that are being monitored. At some point I'm gonna need to wo-man up and have that genetic testing done. I'm sure I already know the results though).
His decision, was a reflection of the state of your marriage at the time. If both of you will decide to uncover and discover the root of the hurt that exists within each of you individually and then as marriage partners, your marriage is beyond salvagable! When you become willing to admit that despite the circumstance, as a wife you should have been more supportive of your husband at the time of mil's death and well before then, and if he will admit that well before that incident he was too prideful or cowardly or dejected to seek his wife for "companionship" you can begin to heal and let past decisions stay in the past!
I respectfully agree and disagree with you.
Let's not forget about the fact that this is a mother in law who never had a relationship with OP and OP's children. I am sorry maybe I am young, I've seen bio parents abandon their children before, but I've never seen any grand parents purposely CHOSE to not have any relationship with their grandchildren.
OP stated that her mother died young, her mother in law is the person she wished to have relationship with her children. So I don't believe OP purposely stoped the mother in law from having relationship with her children. I don't know the whole picture, but my uneducated guess based upon my own biased opinion is that this is a family (mother in law and husband) feel ashamed by this son with autism.
You can call OP selfish all you want. Reality is reality. feelings are feelings. There are a lot of unresolved resentment built up to a point of no return.
From several responses OP posted, you can tell this is NOT a woman who is hypersensitive, overly jealous, or psychotic, this is a mom who is struggling with son's autims with no full supports from a husband, this is also a wife who found out his husband wake up on another woman's bed, this is also a woman who had family history of breast cancer and had an elder father who faced open heart surgey on the day her MIL passed away.
Instead of keep on calling her BEYOND SELFISH, maybe trying to put oneself in her shoes will help a little. Whom you are at picnic and whom you are in a burning building can be entiredly different. We are fortunate that we are not been put in difficult situation like this, and we have not been tested like this.
I can tell you that if I unfortunately have a son with any type of condition, and I am not fully supported by my husband, I'd leave
I can also tell you if I have a mil refused to have a relationship with her own bio grandchildren, and my husband only defends his mother, I'd leave
I can tell you that if my husband tells me to stay home taking care of the children, it is OKAY that he goes to his mother's funeral alone, and I found out through third party that he wake up on another woman's bed, I'd leave
I won't even allow myself to be put in such a situation for 22 years. Long marriage does not mean long happy marriage. Nobody should feel or be trapped. Nobody HAVE to deal with it unless they want to. Nobody can really **** on you unless you let them. Period.
Let's not forget about the fact that this is a mother in law who never had a relationship with OP and OP's children. I am sorry maybe I am young, I've seen bio parents abandon their children before, but I've never seen any grand parents purposely CHOSE to not have any relationship with their grandchildren.
OP stated that her mother died young, her mother in law is the person she wished to have relationship with her children. So I don't believe OP purposely stoped the mother in law from having relationship with her children. I don't know the whole picture, but my uneducated guess based upon my own biased opinion is that this is a family (mother in law and husband) feel ashamed by this son with autism.
You can call OP selfish all you want. Reality is reality. feelings are feelings. There are a lot of unresolved resentment built up to a point of no return.
From several responses OP posted, you can tell this is NOT a woman who is hypersensitive, overly jealous, or psychotic, this is a mom who is struggling with son's autims with no full supports from a husband, this is also a wife who found out his husband wake up on another woman's bed, this is also a woman who had family history of breast cancer and had an elder father who faced open heart surgey on the day her MIL passed away.
Instead of keep on calling her BEYOND SELFISH, maybe trying to put oneself in her shoes will help a little. Whom you are at picnic and whom you are in a burning building can be entiredly different. We are fortunate that we are not been put in difficult situation like this, and we have not been tested like this.
I can tell you that if I unfortunately have a son with any type of condition, and I am not fully supported by my husband, I'd leave
I can also tell you if I have a mil refused to have a relationship with her own bio grandchildren, and my husband only defends his mother, I'd leave
I can tell you that if my husband tells me to stay home taking care of the children, it is OKAY that he goes to his mother's funeral alone, and I found out through third party that he wake up on another woman's bed, I'd leave
I won't even allow myself to be put in such a situation for 22 years. Long marriage does not mean long happy marriage. Nobody should feel or be trapped. Nobody HAVE to deal with it unless they want to. Nobody can really **** on you unless you let them. Period.
I not only respect your respect, but I respect your right to both agree and disagree with me
The only decision most important to how we live our lives in peace or not(with others and with ourselves) is the decision we make as individuals! Who hasn't had to deal with someone who's a tool? This is real life not a stage play and most posting here are adults. We own our own decisions not someone else's!
I'm going to guess you know the op personally? if so, then you are aware of her situation much more than I. If not, then you call it as you see it, and so will I
I not only respect your respect, but I respect your right to both agree and disagree with me
The only decision most important to how we live our lives in peace or not(with others and with ourselves) is the decision we make as individuals! Who hasn't had to deal with someone who's a tool? This is real life not a stage play and most posting here are adults. We own our own decisions not someone else's!
I'm going to guess you know the op personally? if so, then you are aware of her situation much more than I. If not, then you call it as you see it, and so will I
well, I know enough not to call a woman BEYOND SELFISH
do you think calling her beyond selfish would help her in her situation?
momof3, what everyone needs to know (assuming you haven't already explained this somewhere in the thread) is how you found out. What led you to find out this lady was staying there, and who told you about the details?
If the entire story was explained voluntarily to you, by your husband, then he's likely got nothing to hide. Now, if it came out more like he was "busted", then yeah. Grown adults (for the most part "strangers") do not share a bed together without something a bit more going on under the sheets. That just doesn't make sense, and when things don't make sense, more often than not, it isn't true.
well, I know enough not to call a woman BEYOND SELFISH
do you think calling her beyond selfish would help her in her situation?
I believe if it's the truth, it needs to be spoken and if it's not it can be ignored!
And I've been around enough playgrounds to personally know that the truth hurts but can provide healing
I believe if it's the truth, it needs to be spoken and if it's not it can be ignored!
And I've been around enough playgrounds to personally know that the truth hurts but can provide healing
There are always three sides in one story, yours, mine, and the truth.
Maybe allowing some time for OP to process the information and respect her opinion helps?
If both of you will decide to uncover and discover the root of the hurt that exists within each of you individually and then as marriage partners, your marriage is beyond salvagable! When you become willing to admit that despite the circumstance, as a wife you should have been more supportive of your husband at the time of mil's death and well before then, and if he will admit that well before that incident he was too prideful or cowardly or dejected to seek his wife for "companionship" you can begin to heal and let past decisions stay in the past!
this I do agree
I just cannot see why can anybody put up with this kind of husband.
"oh, I will never forgive the 15 year old destroying my marriage." LOL
Lilyflower,
u are totally rite about a long marriage doesnt equal a happy marriage. i would like to know if the OP experienced problems with her husband or Mother in law BEFORE her child with autism was diagnosed. why did this Mother in Law not have a relationship with her grandkids? not having a relationship with your grandkids even when the kids mom is asking you to have one was one of the first disconnects.
somerandomguy,
exactly. if hher husband needed to talk and be comforted about his mom, then he couldve went with this woman to a coffee shop and chatted over coffee...the fact that they were in bed together and she even slept next to him is a huge problem. i cant say what happened because i wasnt there, but when a man and a woman are in bed together, its led to think that something sexual is going on.
momof3,
what exactly did the 15 yr old tell u regarding that nite? i wonder if the 15 yr old knows how that woman ended up in the house in the first place. my guess would be that maybe the woman had a key because she helped your mom in law with chores/errands and stuff and maybe your mom in law let her stay at the house sometimes considering this woman was on the verge of being homeless.
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