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He didn't have sex with the woman because he was
a. not attracted to her?
b. with her in his deceased mother's bed (instead in the kitchen) in a tiny house/
c. because sex was the last thing on his mind due to his mother's death
What about "I didn't have sex because I love YOU, honey"
Granted, raising three kids on your own would be hard, he's a loser when it comes to his own son, his dating scene will be much better than yours. But if there is a chance for happiness in YOUR life, you might have to pull strings to catch this happiness....and it doesn't look like the hubs is worth it.
Get your school done and then think hard what the rest of your life has in stock for you.
Best wishes.
He didn't have sex with the woman because he was
a. not attracted to her?
b. with her in his deceased mother's bed (instead in the kitchen) in a tiny house/
c. because sex was the last thing on his mind due to his mother's death
What about "I didn't have sex because I love YOU, honey"
Granted, raising three kids on your own would be hard, he's a loser when it comes to his own son, his dating scene will be much better than yours. But if there is a chance for happiness in YOUR life, you might have to pull strings to catch this happiness....and it doesn't look like the hubs is worth it. Get your school done and then think hard what the rest of your life has in stock for you. Best wishes.
keep it simple, folks
Stop wasting money and time on this whole marriage counseling thing. Listen to your heart, brain, common sense.
Nothing beats a man who looks into his wife eyes' and say "Honey, I know you are not perfect, I know I am not perfect, I know none of our family members are perfect I know you gained weight, have gray hair, grow some extra lb. I know you might have breast cancer one day and overnight both of your boobs will be gone. But guess what, I will support you anyway, I will love you anyway. It does not matter our son has autism, he is our son. and I love my mom dearly, but I won't even let her interfering our marriage."
Believe me, if man can do that, he will get a faithful, loving wife for life. Not to mention the wife will give him mind blowing sex all morning, all afternoon, all evening
We will never have a board full of miserable men complaining about their wives!!
He didn't have sex with the woman because he was
a. not attracted to her?
b. with her in his deceased mother's bed (instead in the kitchen) in a tiny house/
c. because sex was the last thing on his mind due to his mother's death
What about "I didn't have sex because I love YOU, honey"
Granted, raising three kids on your own would be hard, he's a loser when it comes to his own son, his dating scene will be much better than yours. But if there is a chance for happiness in YOUR life, you might have to pull strings to catch this happiness....and it doesn't look like the hubs is worth it.
Get your school done and then think hard what the rest of your life has in stock for you.
Best wishes.
Looking back, he admits that without fully realizing it at the time, he might have done what he did (seeking comfort from her) because of the marital disconnect we were experiencing at the time. He admitted he didn't love anyone that night and got weak and didn't cope with the situation well. He said he just wanted some companionship that night. So when I asked well what was to stop you from going ahead and having sex with her then, those were his answers.
read her post again. she found a lump on her breast and needed to do further test. HER HUSBAND told her to stay home! Not op's fault.
Quote:
Originally Posted by momof3innj
Hello,
Thanks for the responses. I'm going to try to answer some of the questions. First of all, yes my father was having open heart surgery the next morning so I couldn't leave to go across country until I knew he was ok. We found out about 6pm the day his mother died that she had passed and my husband wanted to leave for TX first thing the next morning. I couldn't leave when he wanted to. Even if I was to skip the mammography the following day, I couldn't have left when my husband wanted to and he had to get down there asap to plan the funeral. The mammography could NOT have been done the following week as it would've been the week before my period so I would have been waiting until the last week of December and chances are, with the holidays and all it might have ended up being sometime in January. I really did not want to sit on pins and needles that long. So, even if I would have found out Dad was ok and would have skipped the mammo, I would have had to manage to fly to Texas with 3 kids with no help from husband. My kids at the time were 15, 11 and 8 which may not sound like a big deal. But, I didn't mention this before but my youngest one has a form of autism and with that, comes many behavior problems. To do this on my own would have been very very hard. As for affording to go, no we didn't have the money to spare, the flights would have had to been put on my credit card, and since there would now be 5 of us instead of just my husband, a hotel would have been needed. This would have put us a couple of grand in debt I'm sure. And then there were my college classes. It would have really put me behind the 8 ball there. When I got back, I would have been swamped with schoolwork. This for a woman who my kids and I basically had no relationship with? If my husband expressed he really really wanted me there, and if I would have had a great relationship with his mother, I guess I would have sucked it all up and found a way to make it happen, but he let me off the hook! He said he'd be ok and for me to just hold down the fort and do what I needed to do.
For the record, yes we had problems before his mother's death. Most of them related to my son's autism spectrum disorder. He had trouble handling it and buried his head in the sand that there was even a problem for many years. Later, he was embarrassed by my son's behavior and had trouble accepting that my son was not the son he envisioned having. FYI, I have read that divorce rates are higher than normal for people with kids on the spectrum because it does put additional stress on the marriage, and it is usually because the man can't handle it.
Hope this helps shed some light on things.
I have read your initial post as well as a follow up post…
I can understand both sides believe it or not..
I could not stand my ex mil either but my ex husband adores and loves her because she was his mother regardless…
There were a multitude of issues occurring during this time…
1. Your ex mil passing
2. You Having a scheduled mammo ( with hx of breast cancer in your family)
3. Your own dad having open heart srx. This is no walk in the park…
However I think hindsight 20/20 priorities must be put into perspective.. Since emotions can run high with all of the above.
You husband lost his MOTHER! This is a huge loss! I love my parents to death, I cannot imagine me functioning to much for awhile following this news…
However a snap decision was made as a family based on feelings ( whether you choose to admit it or not) financial issues and your husband just wanting to go home to see his mother buried…
2. You found a lump that led you to get a mammogram? And cancer runs in your family?
I am sorry but I find it hard to feel sorry for you since I m 38...adopted and did not know my family history when I found a lump on my breast at 16! Going for a mammogram does not get instant results it is a test with results to come following…no need for real alarm…
3. Your dad had scheduled heart srx? Of course YOU should be there for him!
The real truth? With risk sounding like a B-I-T-C-H? Sorry if this is the last thing I remember asking about since I am dealing with the DEATH of a parent…
I would imagine my issue more important than yours and would not apologize for being “rude†or “insensitiveâ€
IMHO? YOU WERE BEING SELFISH! It was perhaps not a huge loss for you or your children but this was HIS MOTHER, HAVE SOME RESPECT! AND TACT!
Ok the fact that he was at a low point…He lost his mom,.the fact that he lost A parent that you did not care for? MOST LIKELY made him feel as if you were the Last person on this earth that could relate to his loss..
I am not saying he made the best choice in going to a stranger…
Have you considered that maybe he felt like sharing this moment with someone who cared for his mother in her last days and gaining comfort from this?
Being able to be honest about his feelings with someone other than those that knew her?
Times like these challenge us as human beings and if your husband has never given you any reason to doubt him? Why start now that he is at his lowest?
Why not have a little faith that he is telling his version as a human being?
Why not have a little faith that he is telling his version as a human being?
There is no answer to the "why" feelings are feelings, OP needs her feelings to be validated in order to move on, in order to heal. Perception is reality. OP's perception is a cheating husband who does not respect her and her family. That is her reality.
My parents have an almost perfect marriage. My mom once told me, "Even if your dad got caught in bed with another woman, I would believe he has been framed. I trust my husband THIS much." My mom is not a delusional woman, my parents simply trust each other so much and they are each other's rock! It is that simple.
Why does not OP trust her husband? The problems lie within the marriage, this incidence is ONLY the last straw broke camel's back. Things are way more complicated than this little incidence.
At this point, OP has two choices, choose to forgive and forget, choose a divorce. From OP's responses, I am inclined to believe that this is a woman who is willing to work things out. If so, more power to her. Maybe we should respect her opinion without passing judgment. This is a lady who has a lot to process. She also has a son who has autism who is not fully supported by his dad. Woman to woman, i believe it is NOT very kind to blame her for any reasons when she is going through such stressful time of her life. PERIOD.
dr 74, Actually, you are wrong about the mammogram. If it was a routine mammogram, then yes, I would have had to wait a few days for results. But, it was a diagnostic mammogram, they also did a sonogram while I was there to be sure. I didn't have to wait for results. They were able to tell me right then and there that the lump was a swollen lymph node. I am not asking you or anyone else to feel sorry for me.
I actually came here for what I originally posted, to see if other people considered this cheating and whether they thought I was overreacting to what happened. I do realize his side of it and there were certainly extenuating circumstances. But to me, it's still emotional cheating if nothing else and my trust is broken. Once trust is broken, can you ever really get it back? I am reading books about it and they said it can be done and a marriage can even be stronger. However, it's been 6 months now and I haven't moved past it at all. I think about it all the time. He is not helping matters by trying to rush me through this and keeps minimizing what took place, saying it wasn't a big deal. But it was to me, because this comes down to TRUST and trust is a big deal. He also gets angry when I bring it up and has called me "mental". Also, he is very mad at the whistle blower and says he will never forgive her for trying to ruin his marriage. He says she should have come to him first to discuss. She is 15, still a CHILD, she is not going to have enough forethought to do that! And to me, by saying SHE tried to ruin his marriage, he is not accepting FULL responsibility for what he did. This is why we aren't getting anywhere in therapy.
i said this in an earlier post.. there are many different forms of cheating. However, what i see here is that your husband was knowingly aware of the fact that his actions couldve ruined his marriage and he stated that by getting mad at the 15 yr old for telling u. what i dont understand is how does the 15 yr old know and how did your husband wind up with that woman in his house.
ure husband is playing games with your head and the fact that hes rushing you and calling u mental is a clear sign of that. if u want to work this thru, u take all the time u need. he should be understanding to this healing process. he broke your heart ure trust and maybe even your self esteem.
he accepts full responsibility when he said that the 15 yr old tried to ruin his marriage.
what did the 15 yr old tell u? she told u what happened.
what happened was that he was in bed with another woman. <<---potential marriage ruiner rite there.
you may need to break down the events with your husband.. by asking why questions. if he starts the answer with "because you.." stop him right there.. u do not control his every move, blink, breath, etc. and to top it off, u werent even there so its not "because YOU"
here are some examples of breaking down questions/events:
why are we in therapy?.. (because there is no trust)
why is there no trust? ..(because of what happened that nite)
what happened that nite..( i hung out with a girl and let her sleep with me in my bed)
why did u let that happen.. ( because i needed some comforting)
its human nature to want to be comforted, but its also human emotion and nature to not trust, to feel betrayed, to feel cheated on. and then you tell him that because hes married, he looked for comfort in another woman. and whether its sexual or not, its emotional cheating. he looked for her. u guys made vows. to honor love and respect. in sickness and in health, rich or for poorer, for better or worse. he did not honor you or honor those vows by seeking the comforting attention of another woman.
a nice caring thoughtful considerate husband wouldve understood what was going on with you and the problems u faced at home and that u had alot going on as well.... a CONSIDERate husband wouldve CONSIDERed your feelings before looking for comfort from another woman.
However, your husband didnt consider your feelings at all. Because, he didnt think u would find out. he had the whistle blown on him by that 15 yr old and THATS why he is mad at her. i think once your husband starts to take responsibility for what he did , u will be able to heal.
first it was SHE hugged him (that woman)
then it was because YOU didnt get along with his mom.
now its THAT 15 yr old ruined the marriage.
he is not taking any responsibility for that nite. break down the events for him. explain to him that comfort is one of many feelings in the world and that u right now have feelings yourself and in order for u to understand what he felt he needs to understand how u are feeling rite now. u guys have a lonng way to go.
Now for your child with autism, thats going to be hard. i have 2 children, my twin girls and one of them is showing signs of autism. i suggest you get him involved in some autism programs, workshops seminars in your area. alot of people fear the unfamiliar so maybe he needs to understnd autism a little bit better.
understanding autism is the first step he can take to help his son.
and that may need breaking down to.
u tell him why are u distant with your son, why arent you supportive? ( he may say he feels mad, or sad that his son has autism)
then u tell him that feeling angry or sad is common and understandable but thats not helping your son.
tell him that your son is capable of so many things but without help and guidance from his parents, his capabilities and potentials might be limited tomorrow because of the help and and guidance that wasnt there for your son today.
go to the library, have him read books on autism, take him to seminars, workshops, and lectures about it / have him get more involved, if hes not then u get more involved and maybe he will come around. thats a win/win. u will be part of an autism community with support and ideas from other parents and u can share stories and feel more part of the world.. a different world where normal is just a label not a lifestyle. and the other win is that your husband joins this world with you.
go to the library, have him read books on autism, take him to seminars, workshops, and lectures about it / .. if he cant go, you go and bring back any literature from there. your best bet is speaking to a behavioral therapist to discuss redirection,support and different techniques to curbing autism.
Please always remember that your child has autism but autism doesnt have your child.
The only thing I want to say to you is that good luck to you, you deserve an honest loving relationship and you deserve to raise your children in a peaceful, supportive enviornment.
I am definitely not saying your husband is a bad person. But this is a man who will never look at himself in the mirror and realize he has problems.
he cannot cope with the fact that his son has autism - as a matter of fact choose to bury his head in the sand - as a result, choose to fight with you (Not a very confident, supportive, loving father in my opinion.) He made that child with you. Should he have unconditional love and support towards all his children?
He cannot deal with the fact that inlaw problems are COMMON. he is not the exception of the rule, he is rather the unfortunate norm. when couple got married to each other, their roles change. He can love his mother all he wants, but he should not allow anybody including his mother interfering his marriage. This is a lady who has no relationship with her own grandchildren. Sorry, reality is reality. not to say bad things to dead person, but if he said, "stay home, you don't need to go to my mother's funeral." You are off the hook, there are no should've could've would've. You did not do anything wrong.
This is a man who at last before his marriage falling apart, STILL blaming the relative for "ruining my marriage." LOL you gonna have to laugh at it. I hope he is not put blame on the 15 year old. Nobody is ruining his marriage but himself.
He is a mom's boy who needs to grow up. He has typical mom's boy mentality.
To answer a few of your questions, the 15 yo was one of the people sleeping in the living room when he went in there and woke the woman up. That is how she knew. My husband thought his niece was sleeping but she really wasn't asleep. My husband never thought I'd be seeing or talking to the 15 yo for a very long time, if ever. It's a really long story but a strange twist of fate brought her in contact with me, but I'd rather not get into all that here. So yeah, he never figured I would find out about this.
Why the woman was sleeping in the house that night? That is the 64 million dollar question. I don't know. I asked my husband, he doesn't know either. He guesses maybe because there was food in the house. The woman was a mooch, literally had no money and did what she had to for food, etc...But I guess that is irrelevant, it doesn't appear that any of this was planned out beforehand or she just would have went to bed with him from the get go? But she was already sleeping out there and he was attempting to sleep back in his mother's bedroom.
As for how I know he hasn't contacted her? Well first of all, she had no cell phone. I asked him did she try to get his number or anything like that and he told me no and also that she didn't have a phone anyhow. Makes sense since she didn't have 2 nickels to rub together, right? But, I did go back and check his cell phone records back to the time frame and beyond, every call to Texas that was on there checked out to be something related to the funeral, the lawyer handling the will or someone that I otherwise knew about.
I googled the woman and turns out she was arrested in September for drug possession with intent to distribute and no bail set for her so as far as I can tell, she is sitting in a jail cell as we speak.
But yeah, the fact that my husband is holding a grudge against his 15yo niece tells me he isn't really sorry, he's sorry he got caught. As you said, the healing cannot begin until he accepts FULL responsibility and stops blaming her for what he did.
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