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I agree with others that this is really a tough situation. Maybe the real deal is not to figure out if he truly had sexual intercourse with that woman, the real problem is that if you can trust your husband in the future.
It seems like this marriage is not as strong as you wanted it to be. I can not classify a man as a good husband when he spent a night on other woman's bed while traveling alone. (No matter what the circustances are). Couple go through troubles all the time, not everybody's marriage is perfect. But people trust each other, rely on each other, resolve issues together and move on. That is called a marriage. So what you don't like his mother, hey, inlaw problems are common. He could tell you to mind your own business, shut the hell up about his mother, but he could not betray you because you couldn't be there to comfort him. That is just an excuse he used.
I agree with one poster who said focus on the real issue. Maybe neither one of you are truly happy with the marriage, find out why and go from there. Don't deny yourself a chance to be happy. You deserve an honest relationship. Good luck to you
This is something that you have to go with your gut on. You have been married a really long time and kids are involved. Since you are married and he is not just a BF or SO you have a lot more that could result from ending the relationship.
I'd say, trust your hunches. You've been married to this man for over two decades - you know him better than anyone else! If you feel in your heart and soul that he had sex with this stranger, then he probably did. If you feel that he honestly didn't have sex with this stranger but you're angry at him for sharing a bed with her, then he probably didn't cheat on you BUT was deceitful in not disclosing this information with you right when it happened. That's what has me suspicious - that he didn't tell you about it until someone else did. Him telling you that the reason he didn't tell you the truth was because of how you'd react is BULLDINKY. So...it's your decision to make. Did he - or didn't he? And guess what? You'll NEVER EVER know what really happened. Your marriage was rocky when this happened, which makes things even worse. If this was my husband and he did this to me...disrespecting our marriage, our vows and the trust we shared...I would file for divorce - post haste. The amount of years you were married to him bears no revelance in relation to what he has done. But, this isn't my husband (thank GOD) - he's yours. It's your decision to make. Please decide wisely, because we only have ONE life to live. Life is too short to spend it with a liar and a possible adulterer; no matter how many years you were married to him.
I understand your husband being upset, I understand him having trouble sleeping and then maybe waking someone up to talk to them. Why this lady though? It is not a relative he is close to, so that seems weird. The other thing is him inviting her to sleep in the same bed as him, come on now, he is married and he knows it. There were other people in the house and she had a place to sleep elsewhere. If I was married I would never invite someone of the opposite sex to share a bed with me.
It's possible that he's telling you the truth and no sex occurred. Still, this was several steps beyond innocent flirting (as if there is such as a thing). I wouldn't classify this as cheating, if he's telling the truth about the extent of the encounter, but I would classify it as a betrayal, one that came at an extremely inappropriate time.
The people in the living room were his 15 year old niece, who was the whistle blower, and his 29 year old nephew who had an early flight the next morning, neither of those people would have been appropriate people to bring back to the bedroom to talk for different reasons. Not that this woman was, but....At the time he did this, he hedged his bets that both people in the living room were in fact sleeping but his niece really wasn't. I'm sure he didn't think I would be seeing or hearing from either of those people for a long time, if ever, as I wouldn't normally have a reason to. His family really isn't close and because they were living in Texas, you pretty much only see them at weddings and funerals. But, a strange twist of fate brought myself and his niece (his deceased sister's child) in contact with me. She said what she witnessed had bothered her and she thought I should know. So that's how I found out.
Like I say, I really don't think they had sex because he made the statement how sick and disrespectful that would have been to his mother to do in her bed the day after burying her, that he was way too sad and it was the last thing on his mind, that he wasn't even attracted to the woman. But I will never know for sure and I don't know if I can live with that question mark in my head. I am also not comfortable with the compromising position he put himself in because to me, if it didn't happen, it came way too close. I can't even believe he put himself out there for the possibility of that happening. This is so out of character. I'm still waiting for someone to pinch me and tell me this is all a bad dream. I do think that possibly some hugging and kissing, maybe more went on but he swears it didn't. Obviously though, no matter what, there was a complete disregard/disrespect for me, our children and our marriage and his actions showed a lack of commitment.
The people in the living room were his 15 year old niece, who was the whistle blower, and his 29 year old nephew who had an early flight the next morning, neither of those people would have been appropriate people to bring back to the bedroom to talk for different reasons. Not that this woman was, but....At the time he did this, he hedged his bets that both people in the living room were in fact sleeping but his niece really wasn't. I'm sure he didn't think I would be seeing or hearing from either of those people for a long time, if ever, as I wouldn't normally have a reason to. His family really isn't close and because they were living in Texas, you pretty much only see them at weddings and funerals. But, a strange twist of fate brought myself and his niece (his deceased sister's child) in contact with me. She said what she witnessed had bothered her and she thought I should know. So that's how I found out.
Like I say, I really don't think they had sex because he made the statement how sick and disrespectful that would have been to his mother to do in her bed the day after burying her, that he was way too sad and it was the last thing on his mind, that he wasn't even attracted to the woman. But I will never know for sure and I don't know if I can live with that question mark in my head. I am also not comfortable with the compromising position he put himself in because to me, if it didn't happen, it came way too close. I can't even believe he put himself out there for the possibility of that happening. This is so out of character. I'm still waiting for someone to pinch me and tell me this is all a bad dream. I do think that possibly some hugging and kissing, maybe more went on but he swears it didn't. Obviously though, no matter what, there was a complete disregard/disrespect for me, our children and our marriage and his actions showed a lack of commitment.
If the bolded statement is the case -- if he's not a flirt, doesn't have a wandering eye, seems 100 percent devoted other than this incident -- it's possible your husband is just an idiot. He didn't realize how horrible it would look for him to sleep with another woman in his bed, because he's not the type to even consider sleeping with another woman. That's a far-fetched theory, but perhaps it's true ... if your husband truly is the opposite of the kind who would cheat, as you say. Regardless though, he obviously violated your trust and you need to work on this from that angle.
You seem to be looking for validation. If you can't move past this then start divorce proceedings and become a regular here with all the lonely, desperate, whiney members.
I don't know about this 'should have told you himself' stuff.
If I do something totally innocent and don't think I did anything wrong, it would never occur to me that I needed to tell my wife about it. I tell her about important and relevant stuff. Not just random crap that happens during the day that is of no consequence.
"Hey, honey, here's some random thing I did today that is no big deal in my mind, but just to stir up **** randomly, I thought I would tell you about it." That's just dumb. If you did nothing wrong, what's to tell?
However, op, you got bigger issues. The fact that you don't like his mother should never have kept you from being more supportive of him. Yes, you had an abnormal mammogram, but his mother died. Right then and there, that should have been everyone's focus.
You have to decide now if you believe him or not. If you don't or there is any doubt, I don't see how you can continue in your marriage - the counseling will fail if you both aren't committed to it (and I couldn't be committed to it if I honestly believed my spouse had sex with someone else).
Like I say, I really don't think they had sex because he made the statement how sick and disrespectful that would have been to his mother to do in her bed the day after burying her, that he was way too sad and it was the last thing on his mind, that he wasn't even attracted to the woman. But I will never know for sure and I don't know if I can live with that question mark in my head. I am also not comfortable with the compromising position he put himself in because to me, if it didn't happen, it came way too close. I can't even believe he put himself out there for the possibility of that happening. This is so out of character. I'm still waiting for someone to pinch me and tell me this is all a bad dream. I do think that possibly some hugging and kissing, maybe more went on but he swears it didn't. Obviously though, no matter what, there was a complete disregard/disrespect for me, our children and our marriage and his actions showed a lack of commitment.
Observe the first few sentences I've highlighted in bold. Look at all of the reasons he told you as to why no sexual intercourse occurred with this stranger. Do you notice anything? NONE of those reasons included his devotion to you or the fact that he's MARRIED to YOU. His last reason is a doozy - he says he wasn't even ATTRACTED to this stranger. Whoa, HUGE mammoth red flag there! So...what would've happened if he WAS attracted to her?!? Hmm...
At least you understand the gravity of what he has done and you recognize it as a severe lack of love, respect, fidelity and sanctity of your wedding vows. My sweetie and I aren't even married, and if one of us did this to the other - whether sexual intercourse occurred or not - it would be SO over...in a heartbeat! If it were me, I would divorce your husband based on his reasonings alone. You were NOWHERE in his thoughts or in his heart when he INVITED this stranger into bed with him to "talk" and then "sleep"...
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