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Location: On the "Left Coast", somewhere in "the Land of Fruits & Nuts"
8,852 posts, read 10,487,240 times
Reputation: 6671
Quote:
Originally Posted by stepka
So what should we ladies do to change this anyway? Stop going on OL dating sites? Will that help anything? Besides, the only ones I know who get lotsa extra attention are under 30 and 9's or 10's. The rest of us wonder what you guys are talking about when you say our inbox is full. Believe me I have messaged men first but gotten no answer too so I do know what it feels like. I think the problem with OL dating is that most of us are not as good looking or young looking as we think we are so we have a hard time accepting what comes our way on dating sites--that and competition is fiercer among the men so you're going to get messaged by women who are less than what you would accept IRL.
But again, if OL dating is skewed towards women, just what exactly is it we're supposed to do about it? What men can do about it is to revive the lost art of approaching attractive women and striking up a conversation with them and asking them out if they're amenable. Might require you to get out of the house sometimes. Also, I've gone to meetups only to find that they were 90% women.
FTR, I received no ego boost from OL dating except for the really hot looking man from "London" who messaged me but he couldn't even speak proper English so I guessed pretty quick he was one of those Nigerian scammers. He thought I was beautiful so I rode high for a day or two.
Well, aside from making the additional suggestion that today's supposedly "liberated" women could also take more responsibility and be more "assertive"" themselves, I still totally agree re: the preference for ''real life'', though partly for different reasons. Went thru a period of online dating myself a few years ago following a divorce, and while I can't speak for others, my experience in the ''mature'' online dating realm was pretty underwhelming. But my biggest takeaway from the whole experience was the surprising number of women who post a profile, yet pretty obviously, either just by reading their own description, or else by getting to know them via emails & phone calls... are actually ''emotionally unavailable'' to begin with.
And several gals I met online, where we otherwise seemed to have great chemistry, etc., very quickly turned out to be major ''head cases'', the likes of which I have never encountered ''in real life'' (''IRL''), either before or since! So my sense is that the anonymity (and lack of accountability) of online dating actually tends to attract a certain type of person who typically doesn't ''do'' relationships so well anyway... which also probably helps explain the reports of so many predatory males online & their other equivalent, narcissistic and unavailable females.
BTW, my current S.O. and I first met the "old-fashioned" way, IRL.
Well, aside from making the additional suggestion that today's supposedly "liberated" women could also take more responsibility and be more "assertive"" themselves, I still totally agree re: the preference for ''real life'', though partly for different reasons. Went thru a period of online dating myself a few years ago following a divorce, and while I can't speak for others, my experience in the ''mature'' online dating realm was pretty underwhelming. But my biggest takeaway from the whole experience was the surprising number of women who post a profile, yet pretty obviously, either just by reading their own description, or else by getting to know them via emails & phone calls... are actually ''emotionally unavailable'' to begin with.
And several gals I met online, where we otherwise seemed to have great chemistry, etc., very quickly turned out to be major ''head cases'', the likes of which I have never encountered ''in real life'' (''IRL''), either before or since! So my sense is that the anonymity (and lack of accountability) of online dating actually tends to attract a certain type of person who typically doesn't ''do'' relationships so well anyway... which also probably helps explain the reports of so many predatory males online & their other equivalent, narcissistic and unavailable females.
BTW, my current S.O. and I first met the "old-fashioned" way, IRL.
Right, women can be more assertive but it's the men who are complaining. So do something about it instead of always griping about women having the upper hand in OL dating. That was not aimed only at you btw. As for the second paragraph--could be true--I've met some doozies.
Btw my current boyfriend and I met OL. I was about to give up thinking there were no brains to be found on POF but there he was and very available.
Well, aside from making the additional suggestion that today's supposedly "liberated" women could also take more responsibility and be more "assertive"" themselves, I still totally agree re: the preference for ''real life'', though partly for different reasons. Went thru a period of online dating myself a few years ago following a divorce, and while I can't speak for others, my experience in the ''mature'' online dating realm was pretty underwhelming. But my biggest takeaway from the whole experience was the surprising number of women who post a profile, yet pretty obviously, either just by reading their own description, or else by getting to know them via emails & phone calls... are actually ''emotionally unavailable'' to begin with.
And several gals I met online, where we otherwise seemed to have great chemistry, etc., very quickly turned out to be major ''head cases'', the likes of which I have never encountered ''in real life'' (''IRL''), either before or since! So my sense is that the anonymity (and lack of accountability) of online dating actually tends to attract a certain type of person who typically doesn't ''do'' relationships so well anyway... which also probably helps explain the reports of so many predatory males online & their other equivalent, narcissistic and unavailable females.
BTW, my current S.O. and I first met the "old-fashioned" way, IRL.
This is very true. What you end up finding out is likely they would date you if you met all their requirements, but if you don't, there's another guy who just sent her a message. I'm not leaving men out of this one either, because I know we can sit and try to wait on the perfect match as well. I just never understood why you would create a profile, yet only converse with someone you deemed of the upmost attractiveness. Most of those people aren't even going to be online, because they are already in a relationship.
I've went out with women I didn't find all that attractive, but they had the right kind of personality that made me want to get to know them more. I think looks are very important, but personality plays a role too. I think men and women are really bad about talking to someone who kinda bores them, but stick around because they are very good looking. Have a female friend that did the same thing. Went out with a guy that she claimed was dumb and she was embarrased to take him anywhere, but kept him around because he looked good without his shirt on.
If my posts are ruffling feathers here, whoever's feathers are being ruffled have bigger problems than I can help them with.
Yes, I hate PC and I hate being a lemming. I am naturally repulsed by people who don't think for themselves and tell me what I can and cannot say. PC people aren't all about intelligent discourse. That's as phony as most of the people running around pretending to be "tolerant" and then shouting down everybody with an opposing viewpoint. Most of them are about controlling others and what they can say and think.
That said, now let me tell you how your scenario with your daughter would operate in a more traditional European, Asian or Latin American family where there is a strong family bond. The child loves his parents and might still lead his own life, but the adult child would have enough respect for his parents not to insult his parents by bringing their partner around for family events. And yes, for people who don't buy into the party line this is an insult. Furthermore, the parents are going to be vocal expressing displeasure at how the child leads his life and in many cases will use all means at their disposal to get them to change their ways. No parent is going to pat their kid on their head and congratulate them for the choices they made as if it's some kind of rite of passage.
That doesn't stop the child from respecting his family's wishes, nor does it permanently (sometimes temporarily though) keep child and parent apart. No child raised in this kind of background is going to cut off a parent or family member over a girlfriend or boyfriend.
In America, on the other hand, everybody are all about "me, me, me, me me. I demand this, I demand that, I have rights, blah, blah, blah.
Hell, my parents didn't even want us to bring girlfriends around until we were ready to marry, let alone "partners". The older I get, the more wisdom I see in the way they do things.
A. There's a way of stating exactly what you think and still being polite. You apparently haven't figured out how to do that yet or you really don't care. Well you may not like how we talk to you either is all. If you were to care, you could start by not making assumptions about what is going thru our minds--you've come up wrong every time. You could also start by not making accusations of lying when people are simply stating a preference. No one set down any dating rules for you and even if we tried, why would you care?
B. I really don't care how they do it in the rest of the world. I do it my way and it has nothing to do with PC and I do care about my relationship with my dd. I could try it but I might lose her b/c she really doesn't care about how the rest of the world does it either and I don't feel the need to try to cut off her friend anyway b/c it really does not bother me--I'm not just being PC as you assume. (making assumptions again about what I'm thinking) There are people in my church who may disagree but my dd is more important to me than they are.
The best way to meet potential romantic partners is to be introduced by a third-party of mutual acquaintance; ideally a good friend or a close relative. I don’t think that that’s changed despite the tumults of societal change over the decades (and indeed over the centuries). Now that we have fewer physical friends and live further from relatives, the internet is our surrogate for friendship, and therefore it only stands to reason that the internet should be a reasonable place for meeting potential partners (whether casual or life-long).
However, many of the same people who cheerfully post identifying personal details on Facebook, shudder and perspire in dread over trying to date online. An anonymous profile and generic self-description is, I think, far safer than telling the whole world every day what you’ve been doing, what parties you attend, where you work, where you’ve attended high school etc.
As others have noted, meeting with a stranger whom you have only “met” online is no more dangerous than meeting with a stranger in a bar. In fact, it should be less dangerous. The stranger in a bar is a complete stranger. You know nothing about him, save for what’s he’s told while chatting you up for 15 minutes in half-inebriated expostulation . The online stranger has written perhaps dozens of essays describing his worldview, his background and interests. Yes, those could all be deceptive contrivances. They are not to be taken as factual identifiers until corroborated by personal interview. But at least they give insight into his education, his intelligence, his mannerisms. He may be a jerk or a knave, but at least he’s articulate, and that should count for something.
My frustration is that so many women trying online dating are merely interested in pen-pals. Perhaps they create accounts on a dare with their girlfriends, to “prove” that all online men are unsuitable matches and that the whole enterprise is tawdry foolishness. Then, when they receive a message, they might proceed to correspondence (if they reply at all, which is risibly rare), but refrain from actually meeting. Maybe they regard it as too good to be true. Maybe they were unprepared in the first place. Maybe they’re just interested in the photographs. Regardless, I make a serious investment of my time and effort to write smart, informative and sincere messages on dating sites. Unfortunately most of that labor is for naught.
To reiterate, it is of course best to be introduced by friends or relatives, not having to take chances with strangers. But that’s not always possible, especially later in life, when one’s friends have not only been married for a while, but have teenage (or adult) children of their own, and one has reached a level in his/her career where attempting to date at work would be viewed as abuse of power. The internet is not the best option, but it’s the best remaining option.
What could women do to improve the dating situation online? I offer two actionable suggestions: (1) check your inbox frequently and do please respond to all serious inquiries even if the man isn’t Adonis, and (2) outline a plan in going from pen-pal to telephone to eventually meeting in person.
This doesn't happen often, but it certainly happens. Always keep your guard up when meeting new people, and for the love of god meet in public places until you feel safe with the person. Crazies in the world!
It's sad this happened to the victim of sexual crime, allegedly. Everyone dating online and offline, please be careful because your personal safety is top priority. Six years ago, online resources to do background checks weren't widely available, but nowadays, there isn't any excuse to not check out someone's background.
My online dating experiences have been mixed. The one thing I did not do was invite a date back to my place or go to his because it was too soon for first, second, or third date. When a man wants to take me for drinks, that usually means he's interested in sex and short term gratification, and I don't find them date material.
After being away from the online dating scene for 6 years, a couple of months ago I posted my ads on a couple of dating sites. A week later, I cancelled my dating profiles because I'd rather pursue offline hobbies and activities that will keep me active and sociable, even though the singles scene in Seattle leaves a lot to be desired.
Is there any actual evidence that 'online dating' is any more dangerous than 'real world dating'?
Not sure about more dangerous or not, but if you date online and never meet the person in real life, then the "person" you are say you are "dating" may not even be real. "Catfish" is pretending to be something you are not online.
I think there is nothing wrong meeting a potential date online, just have to be cautious with meeting them as you don't usually know them through other people. Scammers and other criminals go after people who date online as well.
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You could also start by not making accusations of lying when people are simply stating a preference. No one set down any dating rules for you and even if we tried, why would you care? 
So sad
