I've been soooo stupid (women, love, cheaters, calling)
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As the regulars know, I was in LDR for a while, moved to another state to be with him. Lived with him for about 6 years. I found out one week before our 9th anniversary (just before Thanksgiving) that he was seeing Bertha Butt (his co-worker) - and yes, she is "just a friend" like they all are to cheaters. Rather than have the balls to admit it (even after being approached with the facts), he kept telling me that they weren’t sleeping together. He said they were "watching YouTube videos" (until at least 1:00 in the morning).
Once, when I was packing, he held the phone in his hand, and said that he'd call her and break it off with her. (What's there to break off if you're just friends?) I left. I left my job. I left the apartment. I left co-workers that were my friends (in the historical sense of the word). I moved back to my home state. I have no job. I am living with my daughter. I don't have the love that I thought I had.
After I left, he was crying that he missed me, that we could work it out, that he wanted to call me from time to time. He even asked me if I could move back and into another apartment with him!!! I told him that I wasn't going to move back only to find out that I had to leave again.
I was stupid because, even though I was being extremely cautious, I was also trying to be optimistic. I thought that if other couples got through infidelity, maybe we could. I was having a hard time trusting him, but was looking for ways to give him the benefit of the doubt.
So, what does he do? He asked me if I had been calling Bertha Butt and hanging up!!! I had no reason to call her, but he just let me know that he was still (at least) talking to her. I told him that I didn't want to talk to him anymore. He still owes me some money, so I told him that I wanted that and there was nothing else to talk about. He has just been stringing me along, just like all of you said he would do. Then, I texted her, because I had a feeling that SHE didn't know that he was talking to me, either. It’s obvious that he’s told her lies, but she believes him rather than me. That’s okay, she will find out. I have to take care of myself.
I am still so hurt over all of it. If I was less strong, I’d probably be in a hospital. But, d@mn, how stupid could I be?
((hugs the OP with genuine sympathy, for how despicably, cruelly, and capriciously she has been treated by her ex))
Very sorry OP, to hear that you are hurting so badly atm, due to the absolutely horrible, unforgivable, awful, and heartless way that your ex has behaved in this, especially when you had sacrificed everything to be with him earlier...
Hope is what keeps us human beings going. You weren't stupid, you were full of the human spirit. In other words, you were full of hope. I'm sorry this happened to you. Don't be too hard on yourself. Try to get you feet back underneath you and find your stride again. Again, don't be too hard on yourself. Many people would have done the exact same thing as you.
No fault of yours that you have an open heart and a trusting soul. He took advantage and that hurts. Don't call yourself stupid or blame yourself. That's letting him off the hook. He's responsible for his actions. You are only responsible for how you react to them. Leaving was a good thing. Pat yourself on the back for being smart.
I didn't think that I picked the wrong man. I thought (and lived with him to see) that he had the same values, the same level of cleanliness, etc. We even both wanted to enjoy each other by sharing a movie on the sofa in the evenings . . . or so I thought. I guess that got boring, but no one told me.
As far as the sixth sense goes, I always thought that I had a good sense of who people were. I was generally able to sense when I first met someone if I could trust them. I know that sounds unfair, but I think it kept me out of a few scrapes. Not so this time.
Pick the overlooked guy? I thought I was doing that, as well. I don't go for the guy that is exceptionally handsome (because they ACT as if they are exceptionally handsome - just like many beautiful women do). I loved him for what was on the inside. I also loved his smile, but he felt like some of the guys here who are shorter, have less hair, etc. He didn't have to be grateful. He only had to love me, since I loved him.
As the regulars know, I was in LDR for a while, moved to another state to be with him. Lived with him for about 6 years. I found out one week before our 9th anniversary (just before Thanksgiving) that he was seeing Bertha Butt (his co-worker) - and yes, she is "just a friend" like they all are to cheaters. Rather than have the balls to admit it (even after being approached with the facts), he kept telling me that they weren’t sleeping together. He said they were "watching YouTube videos" (until at least 1:00 in the morning).
Once, when I was packing, he held the phone in his hand, and said that he'd call her and break it off with her. (What's there to break off if you're just friends?) I left. I left my job. I left the apartment. I left co-workers that were my friends (in the historical sense of the word). I moved back to my home state. I have no job. I am living with my daughter. I don't have the love that I thought I had.
After I left, he was crying that he missed me, that we could work it out, that he wanted to call me from time to time. He even asked me if I could move back and into another apartment with him!!! I told him that I wasn't going to move back only to find out that I had to leave again.
I was stupid because, even though I was being extremely cautious, I was also trying to be optimistic. I thought that if other couples got through infidelity, maybe we could. I was having a hard time trusting him, but was looking for ways to give him the benefit of the doubt.
So, what does he do? He asked me if I had been calling Bertha Butt and hanging up!!! I had no reason to call her, but he just let me know that he was still (at least) talking to her. I told him that I didn't want to talk to him anymore. He still owes me some money, so I told him that I wanted that and there was nothing else to talk about. He has just been stringing me along, just like all of you said he would do. Then, I texted her, because I had a feeling that SHE didn't know that he was talking to me, either. It’s obvious that he’s told her lies, but she believes him rather than me. That’s okay, she will find out. I have to take care of myself.
I am still so hurt over all of it. If I was less strong, I’d probably be in a hospital. But, d@mn, how stupid could I be?
I'm so sorry you are hurting
Can I play devil's advocate for just a minute though?
Is it possible that he wasn't talking to her after you left when he said he wanted you back, and maybe SHE called him using "hang up calls" as an excuse to get him to talk to her?
You do need to follow your gut instincts for sure, but you do have 9 years invested in this relationship - are you going to regret later not doing more now to see if you could work things out?
Maybe Butt is her middle name, and her last name is Hole? Just a thought.
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