Stay for the children or Leave for the children? (dating, how to, marriage)
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My parents stayed together for the sake of the children. My father was a great provider but she fell out of love with him, if she ever loved him at all. They slept in separate beds, I know my mother dated other men while married. I also know that my parents didn't love each other and actually wouldn't have associated with each other if we didn't exist. My question is do you think parents should stay together for the children, if so why or why not? What are the benefits of staying with your spouse if you don't love them? Do you think couples pretend to be happy just for the kids and do they both know that the relationship is fake?
Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LostMyself73
My parents stayed together for the sake of the children. My father was a great provider but she fell out of love with him, if she ever loved him at all. They slept in separate beds, I know my mother dated other men while married. I also know that my parents didn't love each other and actually wouldn't have associated with each other if we didn't exist. My question is do you think parents should stay together for the children, if so why or why not? What are the benefits of staying with your spouse if you don't love them? Do you think couples pretend to be happy just for the kids and do they both know that the relationship is fake?
Leave for the children.
Trust me from personal experience, kids pick up a lot more than people know and they can tell from a surprising age when something is going on between mommy and daddy, and when the parents are faking a happy marriage. My mother divorced my father when I was three and she did me a huge favor, by not raising me in a household where my natural parents were fighting and dad had alcohol abuse issues. My mother ended live-in relationships where love had left and chaos ensued. I think parents have the right to not be in a relationship where love does not reside. If you are just getting along for the kids, it does not send a good message. What expectations are they going to have for relationships when they grow up?
I think you do everything you can to fix the marriage. If that doesn't work, I think you might just mess the kids up worse staying for the children. I suspect children will figure out what's going and take on responsibility for their parents being miserable.
To those who believe that "life's too short" to tolerate an unpleasant situation, and therefore recommend divorcing - please consider that by the same token, life's too short to spend years searching for a replacement mate. It's too short to be advertising oneself. It's too short to waste on dead-end dates, stacks of letters that go unanswered, break-ups and tensions. It's too short to be second-guessing years later whether or not the couple ought to have split. And it's too short to be explaining to your children why they ought not to be repeating the mistakes of their parents.
parents set "norms" for kids...and if you grow up in a home where there is constant tension, and very "cold"
they think thats normal...
what kind of a role model is that??
i think thats why alot of girls go for the losers....
not an easy question to answer because if you do divorce... you will probly have to deal with step parents, etc...
but i do believe if its that cold in the house ,,,not only with kids,,but each other,,,,,lifes too damn short to just go thru the motions
I agree with this. Children are more resilient than we give them credit for. Doesn't mean divorce is easy on them, but happy parents in separate locations can help them better than unhappy parents so mired in their own problems under the same roof that they don't notice the damage they're doing. Nor do they notice the role-modelling that is going on. The life lessons we want to impart to our kids aren't necessarily the ones we're actively trying to teach them. They're learning and observing at any given moment, and picking up on unhealthy relationship dynamics is passively teaching them that this is what adult love relationships are about. I do believe it is no wonder that so many youth don't know how to have healthy relationships if they've not witnessed them at home.
I also think that if you sacrifice and stay together for the sake of the kids, and split up once they're grown/out of the house, more damage can be done to them as adults, thinking they were responsible for their parents staying together and being miserable. I'd rather a small child learn to adapt to a new life and two homes than a grown adult thinking their whole childhood was a lie, their parents could have been happy apart if it hadn't been for their existence, and trying to undo all of that in years of therapy in adulthood.
..... My question is do you think parents should stay together for the children, if so why or why not? What are the benefits of staying with your spouse if you don't love them? Do you think couples pretend to be happy just for the kids and do they both know that the relationship is fake?
The answer to your first question is no, in my opinion. It is unecessary to stay in a loveless marriage since you will (inwardly) hurt yourself and the kids. Happiness is everything and even kids, regardless of age, know when something is not right in the home so there is no hiding facts from them.
The benefit of staying with your spouse is obvious and it is at least 99% monetary. Two incomes are better that one as you will be sharing all expenses and there will be less stress (in the financial arena that is), therefore the kids will be well provided for.
For your third and final question, yes, I beleive many couples pretend to be happy when in public so since they are together for 'image' purposes, they know it is fake. Faking one's happiness has to be the hardest thing for people to do and I would not advise it.
To those who believe that "life's too short" to tolerate an unpleasant situation, and therefore recommend divorcing - please consider that by the same token, life's too short to spend years searching for a replacement mate. It's too short to be advertising oneself. It's too short to waste on dead-end dates, stacks of letters that go unanswered, break-ups and tensions. It's too short to be second-guessing years later whether or not the couple ought to have split. And it's too short to be explaining to your children why they ought not to be repeating the mistakes of their parents.
If datingwais screwing up my ability to parent, it's time to stop dating until the kids are older. Loneliness isn't pleasant, but the odd ONS and a vibrator can be place holders.
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