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Jealousy is usually based in fear, and often expressed as anger. Conversations aren't really the answer - yes, the object of the jealousy may have to listen non-judgmentally about the jealous partner's feelings, but it is the job of the person experiencing it to work through. Often the target isn't doing anything wrong, but the jealous person perceives it as such.
There is an excellent chapter on jealousy and how to work through it in the book "The Ethical Slvt". Much of it also applies to monogamous relationship jealousy.
You seem like you're basically a relationship communist--someone who has ideas that are great in theory but don't usually work very well in practice.
Jealousy usually can't simply be "worked through." If someone feels it, they feel it. They can choose how they act on that feeling (for example, refrain from abusive behavior because of it), but they can't choose to not have the feeling.
Actions speak louder than words. On this board, there's almost unanimous condemnation of "cheating" but a significant amount of acceptance to "open relationships," "poly relationships," and the like. Yet in the real world, a huge percentage--possibly a majority--of people "cheat" at one time or another, but there are very few of these alternative types of relationships. That should tell you something.
You seem like you're basically a relationship communist--someone who has ideas that are great in theory but don't usually work very well in practice.
Jealousy usually can't simply be "worked through." If someone feels it, they feel it. They can choose how they act on that feeling (for example, refrain from abusive behavior because of it), but they can't choose to not have the feeling.
It is strange to be a person with actually experience doing exactly this hearing that it does not work. It works great for us.
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Actions speak louder than words. On this board, there's almost unanimous condemnation of "cheating" but a significant amount of acceptance to "open relationships," "poly relationships," and the like. Yet in the real world, a huge percentage--possibly a majority--of people "cheat" at one time or another, but there are very few of these alternative types of relationships. That should tell you something.
You seem like you're basically a relationship communist--someone who has ideas that are great in theory but don't usually work very well in practice.
Jealousy usually can't simply be "worked through." If someone feels it, they feel it. They can choose how they act on that feeling (for example, refrain from abusive behavior because of it), but they can't choose to not have the feeling.
Actions speak louder than words. On this board, there's almost unanimous condemnation of "cheating" but a significant amount of acceptance to "open relationships," "poly relationships," and the like. Yet in the real world, a huge percentage--possibly a majority--of people "cheat" at one time or another, but there are very few of these alternative types of relationships. That should tell you something.
Ah, Tovarisch! I have lived these kinds of relationships for years, and have personally worked through some jealous feelings. I speak from experience, having studied and applied what I learned. It works. I still occasionally experience jealous feelings (I can't and don't choose not to feel it as they do still exist), but they are mere ghosts of what they once were because my entire perspective has changed. Plus, I have developed the skills to deal with them constructively if and when they arise, so they no longer have control over me - I now have control over them.
As for what it "tells me" that so many people cheat versus the number in ethically responsible alternative relationships, is that as a society we're still indoctrinated and buying into the idea of traditional monogamy. It's easier to cheat and hope to not get caught than it is to deal directly with the issues when your partner is unwilling to even think about the alternatives. Anyway, there may be more of these alternative relationships than you think, because many are private about it due to the lack of understanding most people have - misconceptions are rampant and mostly negatively biased.
when is monogamy more of an ownership? I am monogamist, I may be wrong in trying to be. It was an uphill battle for the guys I was with. I pick men that aren't honest maybe? They are certain they will be monogamous at first but then later on, they change their mind or get bored and are afraid to rock the boat so they cheat? If they were honest and said they expected to have several women I could say no thanks to a relationship. But the fact they lie or didn't even consider the fact that a lifetime of monogamy may be a long time and tell you there's never going to be anyone else, mentally or physically...that's what I have a problem with. I suppose it's also in how you're raised. In some countries, having a misstress is expected. Having two families to support, is a given for all men in those countries. Humans didn't start out monogamous. Males had several females to ensure the survival of the species. Society is probably going to lose the monogamous battle.
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when is monogamy more of an ownership? I am monogamist, I may be wrong in trying to be. It was an uphill battle for the guys I was with. I pick men that aren't honest maybe? They are certain they will be monogamous at first but then later on, they change their mind or get bored and are afraid to rock the boat so they cheat? If they were honest and said they expected to have several women I could say no thanks to a relationship. But the fact they lie or didn't even consider the fact that a lifetime of monogamy may be a long time and tell you there's never going to be anyone else, mentally or physically...that's what I have a problem with. I suppose it's also in how you're raised. In some countries, having a misstress is expected. Having two families to support, is a given for all men in those countries. Humans didn't start out monogamous. Males had several females to ensure the survival of the species. Society is probably going to lose the monogamous battle.
To the best of my knowledge, no one has cheated on me. Seems like cheating happens a lot more to people online that it does in the world I know. I wish I knew why. When someone is cheated on, I guess they don't tell anyone IRL?
I see as this marriage has had differences and similarities through all of human history it has never been just one definition.
Also its pretty hypocritical to try and call people out on losing out to their natural impulses. Its some trend that biology only applies when it backs ups a persons world view that I have been noticing. Human being are a amazing combination of society and nature that just makes us very awesome, commendable and should be taken into account.
I think all that matters is that if your relationship is mono, poly, hexagon or quadtradic it ups to the adult parties involved to show respect and communicate to one another and have harmony within THEIR relationship.
Calling on or the other bad specifically at face value really does nothing.
If they were honest and said they expected to have several women I could say no thanks to a relationship. But the fact they lie or didn't even consider the fact that a lifetime of monogamy may be a long time and tell you there's never going to be anyone else, mentally or physically...that's what I have a problem with.
The problem is if they did that, almost every other woman would say "no thanks" just like you. The cost/ benefit ratio to saying you don't want to be completely monogamous is very poor.
I've never cheated, it's always been easy for me to be monogamous. But I think for some men it's impossible.
For some men, but also for some women as well.
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