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You are trying to ignore me just like when X2B turns on all of his debonaire good looks, suave & charm, right?
I can understand having or not having "much" of an attraction to him, emotional, physical or otherwise. But love and attraction usually can't just be turned off like a faucet, especially after the 16 years of intimate history between a husband and wife.
This is a legimate topic for discussion....your history of attraction to him or lack of it. I'm not referring to actions of any kind, only mental attractions of an emotional and/or physical nature.
How can you write a novel and only suppress or deny any feelings and attractions and their discussion? At least describe your true feelings so that you can move beyond them and so that some of us who have never been divorced can understand them and how they affect you.
Even if your love is dead in the water, you must have some fond memories that affect your current feelings, however distasteful (or tasteful) to remember. It must be somewhat difficult and confusing for you, even just a little bit?
Please give us some input for thoughtful consideration since you opened the door to their discussion, and have done so several, if not many times.
You said that you think that he's longing for you, you describe feeling the tension, how does your conscious and subconscious respond? It must be with some overwhelming ambivalence.
It's widely accepted that all humans have ambivalant thoughts about both sides of every issue, thought and deed, no matter how tasteful or distasteful.
As a married women, and a recently cohabiting one in a relatively functional married relationship, how has it affected you and your thought patterns as you've traveled down the path of separation toward divorce? It must take a lot of effort to change your thought patterns, feelings and emotions of attraction. You've had to retrain how your brain and emotions respond to feelings about different types of attractions to him right?
You can't possibly write a novel without including, recognizing and describing this perspective and how the transition occurs over a period of time. Does it ever even fully occur? So you may as well get some of it out of your system and down on postings so that we all can understand it, or at least for some of us dumb people!
Please don't be so shy about any of this cinderobyn, get some it off your chest! Come on, you can tell us! Spill a few beans!
Holy smokeroonies!!
sun, is this your day job?!? LOL! You know what you're talkin' about, don't ya?!
Or......are you writing a book? Curious minds (nosey people) want to know.
I stood there int he night with the wind blowing through my hair, basking in my childrens stories of the things they did, just taking them in, smiling, bigger than the world. He looked at me.
Like I said, even when the kids were still out there. I stood there, once the kids were loaded up, in my jeans and a sweatshirt and sweatshirt jacket, all loose on me, the weight I have lost very visible.
Its like he was standing there just taking me in. All of me. And then my eyes, my face, my lips. I did not fall for how he was looking at me, but I saw how he was looking at me. He was looking at me in a new fashion, not a way that I have seen since....forever.
But that time is gone.
"....All of me. And then eyes, my face, my lips...." Oh come on now, if getting
"Carey Granted" doesn't make anyone wonder exactly how flattered cinderobyn is feeling from being an object of X2B's mojo & affectionate stares, and all of the emotions and memories that can possibly be getting stirred up here, then they aren't reading what I'm reading.
This must have some kind of affect on her that she is resisting, even if she doesn't want to admit it. She says it's not her, and maybe it's not, but us inquiring minds want to know exactly how tough it is and the process she's going through.
Like you already know, I'm not a women and she hasn't been separated from X2B for that long, so the denial process which she is obviously trying to be descriptively detailed about is occurring, which led to the "Carey Granted" comments by others in the first place.
Doesn't anyone want to agree with me?
Besides, I keep up with the thread and I'm very curious about all of the reasons for the quoted "novel" style of writing. Since she's working on a novel, then let's hear what the novel going to be all about, or else who's going to print it or buy it for that matter!!!!
Come on cinderobyn, there's a novel here somewhere, so where's it going?
I have been separated from him for just three months now. For three months before that, more even, I was understanding the terrible life I was living. So you see, I am not so newly a separated woman as you may think.
I have thought and thought, I have prayed and prayed on all of this, before any of you knew about it.
My writing style, well, it is like that of a novel... It just is.
I have been hurt, and for many years, my marriage was not my marriage, it was his marriage. It was not a marriage of give and take, of love, of looking at each other in the eyes and just knowing..... it was not that. How could it be? Oh sure, he worked, I did to.
He was a provider, so was I. My health declined because of all that went on, but I had no clue. I had no idea in the world why it was all happening.
I have not been attracted to him for a long time, really. I loved him. But he did not love me how a man is supposed to love his wife, he just didn't. It was all about him. In this respect, there was no turning off of the faucet.
Being with him was just that, being with him. It was for him. It has been more than 6 mos. Our hearts, our souls, they were not intertwined. My heart and soul has been empty for a long time, except for the love of my children.
I don't care if he told me he loved me a million times a day. Do the things he did to a person, and just saying I love you just doesn't do it. It doesn't.
You have heard that actions speak louder than words? His actions hurt me. They hurt me to my very core. His words hurt me too. His saying I love you may as well have been saying we need eggs. It didn't mean anything, without all the rest.
He kept me from my Lord.
From my family. If they want to see you they can come down here, why dont they come and see you, why do you have to go see them?
Our intimate history was his intimate history. For me, there was nothing. I thought there was something wrong with me. But there wasn't. I was with someone who didn't love me enough. All of those years..... I was worth so much more than that, and I was made to feel like nothing. So how would I even know that I was worth a thing? And you know what? I didn't know. Now I know.
I am worth everything. I am somebody. One day, I will be loved, the way I should have been loved. Not by him.
When he looked at me like that, I did not get feelings of flattery. I, at first was confused. Why is he looking at me like this? When was the last time he looked at me like that? High school.
I was angry, and I was hurt. I spent many years of my life believing I was nothing, he made me believe that he was the one, that if I ever were to leave, or if we split up, that no one would want me. That i couldn't make it.
My anger.... how dare you even think of looking at me like that. After the things you have done to me, and the way you continue to behave. You see my strength, you see the changes in me. You like what you see? Too bad. That ship has sailed. For those of you married, love one another like there will never be another day. Like today is your last day, love your partner.
My hurt..... you took my life. The things you did to me over all of these years, to the kids. I probably showed hurt in my eyes that night. I am young yet, this is not the end for me. He took many of my years, and not one of us knows when our last day is. But I will tell you this right now, i will not waste another minute of my life with him, that chapter in my book is over.
That night I did not feel like i was Cary Granted. I felt violated. That is how I felt, Sun. I felt violated. No flattery. None.
He did...he took me in like there was no tomorrow, and i mean it when I say it. Just like I explained it. Now I don't read novels. I have explained to you exactly what he did that night, I explained what I was doing. Has nothing to do with a novel type way of writing at all. it is what it is.
I go to bed at night and I am fine. i am not uncertain and I am not afraid. I know things will be tough, and they have been, guess what? i dont care.
I will take this tough over that unloving hateful environment any given day.
I felt violated, therefore hurt and angered, and that is that. I drove home with the kids, and we had wonderful conversation. I had missed them so much. I came home and talked to a friend about what had happened, and felt a little better about things, this to shall pass.
Without the Lord I am nothing, with Him I am everything.
"....All of me. And then eyes, my face, my lips...." Oh come on now, if getting
"Carey Granted" doesn't make anyone wonder exactly how flattered cinderobyn is feeling from being an object of X2B's mojo & affectionate stares, and all of the emotions and memories that can possibly be getting stirred up here, then they aren't reading what I'm reading. This must have some kind of affect on her that she is resisting, even if she doesn't want to admit it. She says it's not her, and maybe it's not, but us inquiring minds want to know exactly how tough it is and the process she's going through.
Like you already know, I'm not a women and she hasn't been separated from X2B for that long, so the denial process which she is obviously trying to be descriptively detailed about is occurring, which led to the "Carey Granted" comments by others in the first place.
Doesn't anyone want to agree with me?
Besides, I keep up with the thread and I'm very curious about all of the reasons for the quoted "novel" style of writing. Since she's working on a novel, then let's hear what the novel going to be all about, or else who's going to print it or buy it for that matter!!!! Come on cinderobyn, there's a novel here somewhere, so where's it going?
Did you think I was thinking of taking him tightly into my arms and telling him how much I missed him? No sir
The novel has been Where is the Love, A new Day has Dawned, and A new Season. It is within the pages. It is not a novel, it is an autobiography.
The so many pages. All of the people who DO know what is like, chiming in, letting their voices be heard. My life falls within the pages.
Did you think the looks he gave me would make me forget all of what happened? All of those things happened in all of those years. That is why I am here, that is why this has gone on as it has. Could I have known he would do that the other night? No. It happened. It just happened. Its what he did. Its not what I did.
What I did was moved forward and made a better life for my children and myself. I am blessed for it. So are my children.
Robyn, you're a SBW who has come too far to slide backward! You are doing so well!
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